Letters To The Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Here at TACP Inc, I get letters. Tons of letters. Most of them question my manhood and sanity, but a few are much more insulting and/or creative than that. So, I’ve decided to share a few of the best ones for the enjoyment of the plethora of readers I have world-wide. I’ve also included my response to each of these letters at no cost to anyone, anywhere, ever.

1.) This first letter was written in response a post I published criticizing Scientology. It reads as follows: “Dear Pontificator, You are not as smart as you think! You are a dumb-bell and you smell like rotten cheese. Your parents must truly be ashamed of your dumbness. I bet your teeth are yellow and protrude 7″ from your mouth. No decent woman would look at you, let alone sleep with you, so at least the world is free of your offspring. God have mercy on you, you idiot. May you burn in Hell forever.  Amy Bigbuttski, Loving Catholic and Mother, Warsaw, Poland.”

Response: Well Amy, all I can say to you is this: My teeth never, and I mean NEVER, have stuck out more than 4″ from my mouth at any time in my life. Now who’s the idiot, huh?

Who'd EVER Mock These Guys?

Who’d EVER Mock These Guys?

2.) This second letter was written in response to a post I published on Darth Vader and Yoda and it reads as follows:

“Dear Gay-face: You are gay. Did you know that, gay-rod? Did you? Why don’t you pontificate on just how gay you are, huh? No. Of course not! Cause you LOVE gays, right? They have rights, right? But Darth Vader and Yoda, they’re just fictional characters, so you think you have free-reign to pick on them without hurting anyone. Right, gay-breath? Right? Well I LOVE Darth Vader and Yoda, and your insensitive bashing of them has caused me to suffer from PTSD! Now how funny do you feel, gay-teeth! Huh? PTSD! You gave it to me. Fuck you, and good-bye, gay-hair! Yours forever, Pete Pencilpeepee, Mayor, New York City.”

Response: PTSD. Wow. That’s too bad, Pete. I was about to ask you out on a date. But there’s no way in Hell I’m ever letting another whack-job with PTSD suck my cock. Last one almost bit my dick off. Otherwise, pal, your letter was a real turn on. Thanks.

What Did We Ever Do To You?

What Did We Ever Do To You?

3.) The last letter I’ll share today was written in response to my post on Vladimir Putin and his funny sounding last name. “My dearest friend. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are the man of my dreams. You’re funny, sexy, smart, and surely your penis and tongue are very skilled at pleasing a woman. Just reading your post on Vladimir Putin made me wet. I simply must meet you and be ravished by you, over, and over, and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to masturbate for hours. That’s how HOT writing this letter to you has made me. Please come take me soon, and hard. Yours in Christ, Sister Mary Fannytight, The Convent For 18-19 Year Old Sexy Girls, Vienna, Austria.

Response: I’ll be right there Sister. Just booked my flight. See you soon. TACP.

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!

Tom Cruise & Yoda Review Son Of God

Another Movie About Jesus. Good Or Bad?

Another Movie About Jesus. Is It Good Or Bad?

TACP is very pleased to have Jedi Master, and movie critic, Yoda joining us today from Dagobah. He’s here to share his opinion with us on the new Biblical film, “Son of God.” And, as an added surprise, Yoda will be joined in his discussion of the film by none other than Scientologist and actor, Tom Cruise.

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Tom is here because he broke into TACP offices this morning, hid under my desk, waited for me to arrive, then leaped out, dressed as a Ninja, and threatened to kill me when I did. Apparently, he’s angry about a post I wrote which was critical of Scientology. No one’s allowed to do that or they threaten to kill you, it seems. In order to calm him, and have him not kill me, I offered him the opportunity to be Siskel to Yoda’s Ebert and to review the film, with Yoda, when he arrived. Thankfully, for me, he agreed.

Mock Scientology, And You Die

Mock Scientology, And You Die

So, now, without further ado, I’d like to present, Mr. Tom Cruise and Jedi Master, Yoda with a review of the film, “Son Of Man.” I will act as moderator for their discussion.

ACP: Tom. Yoda. Welcome. Please be seated, and tell us your thoughts on the movie. And thank you, Tom, for agreeing to do this and not kill me.

Tom: Ya, whatever. You’re lucky. Just remember that, OK? L U C K Y! Lucky. But, Hey, Yoda! Mr. Force guy! Do you know about me? Who I am? I’m a Scientologist, Yoda. Do you have A CLUE as to what that entails? Does ANYONE! I’m obligated, Yoda. OB LEE GAAATT EEED! to help people in need, no matter where I see them, and no matter WHAT I’m doing! Should I see a person in need, I’m right fuckin’ there! RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE, MAN!! THAT is Scientology, Yoda! THAT is what I’m talkin’ about! Scientology does not deserve to be picked on by idiots like this Pontificator guy. And dude, I didn’t kill ya, but I’m still gonna beat your ass for picking on MY FUCKIN’ FAITH!!!! Scientologists stick together, man. We stick like FUCKIN’ glue. To each other. THAT is ME, Yoda! THAT is Scientology. GLUE!

I'm Not Fuckin' Crazy, Man!

I’m Not Fuckin’ Crazy, Man!

ACP: Excuse me, Tom? Tom?!


ACP: I want you to discuss “Son of God” with Yoda. That’s why he’s here.

Tom: Oh, Ya, I almost forgot. I’m sorry Master Yoda. Forgive me. It’s just that when people mess with Scientology, it’s our duty to kill them.

Yoda: Violent this is. A path to suffering, and the Dark Side, it is. Worth that, Scientology is not. Let go of all you have learned to hate, or forever will it dominate your destiny.

ACP: Gentlemen, I’m really not trying to rush anything, but the movie hasn’t once been mentioned by either of you.

Tom: Movie? What fucking movie?! Do I even LOOK like I’m in the mood to watch a fucking MOVIE?!

ACP: “Son of God,” Tom. That movie. The one Yoda came here all the way from Dagobah to discuss. Remember?!

Yoda: Excuse me, you must, Mr. Pontificator. But about this, talk we must.

ACP: What does that mean? “Talk we must?” I’m fucking paying YOU to talk, Master Yoda, not me. I paid for YOU to come here from 8000 light years away so YOU could talk! And who’s talking now, instead of you? ME!!!!

Tom: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! Calm down there, Kemosabe! It’s a movie were talking about here,right, not the end of the world.

ACP: MOVIE? What movie have YOU been talking about? NO ONE has said a fucking word about a fuckin’ movie, but ME!!!!

Yoda: That’s why important it is to talk. But calm, you must become. Let the Force flow through you. Anger leads to hate. And hate is a path to the Dark Side. To confront that which triggers the Dark Side in him, must a Jedi always be ready to do.

ACP: Oh, for fuck sake! Alright, Master Yoda, what is it you need to talk about?

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Yoda: “Son of God,” seen it not, I have. Religious zealots in the theater there were. Afraid, I was. Afraid for my life, I was. Evil are Christians. Angry. Afraid. Unclear of the right path. God matters not. Movies matter not. Jesus matters not. Objects of attachment, they are. To the Dark Side, they lead. To the Sith. It is the Sith I see in Christians. Controlled they are by hate. Powerless they are over it. Blinded they are by its heat. The Force. Around them, it is. Penetrating them. Talking to them, it is. But hear it, they do not. See it, they do not. Clouded their minds are. Clouded, and full of hate. Damned will they be, if from this darkness they do not soon rise.

ACP: Damn, Master Yoda. That was a cool speech. Fuck the movie review. That little speech was much better than any review would have been, even if you had seen the movie. Let’s go get a pizza, wadda ya say? Oh, Tom, just to satisfy my curiosity, before we head out. Did you, by any chance, actually happen to see “Son of God?” You know, the film I asked you to review with Yoda? The one I’ve been yelling about for half an hour now?

Tom: See what now? “Son of God?” Why the fuck would I, as a Scientologist, and an aid to the planet, go to see a Christian piece of shit movie like that? No. I didn’t see it. Happy now?

ACP: That’s what I thought. And yes, I’m happy now. Live and learn, Tom. We live and we learn. Let’s go get some pizza!


Annihilate Scientology With Hearsay: It’s Fair Game

All I Said Was I Heard It

All I Said Was I Heard It

I’ve been reading up on Scientology today. And I feel completely comfortable and guilt free in saying it needs to be annihilated by whatever means necessary. It isn’t a religion. It isn’t a business. It isn’t a cult. It is evil. Evil personified. It needs to be quickly and completely eliminated. An effective technique for doing this is the, “I Just Heard Offensive.” Here’s how it might work, should one choose to use it.

Scientology = Illuminati ?

Scientology = Illuminati?

I just heard, earlier, that The Church of Scientology is considered by enlightened conspiracy theorists to be controlled by the Illuminati and the Trilateral Commission. Earlier, I also heard that The Church of Scientology was behind 9/11. They created a false trail to Al Qaeda and Bin Laden merely as a cover-up. It’s believed by some, or so I’ve heard, that the government was getting too close to too many Scientology secrets, so they concocted the events of 9/11 as a warning to the government to back the fuck off. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I’ve also heard The Church of Scientology has huge orgies involving farm animals and people dressed as L. Ron Hubbard in leather bondage gear. At these orgies, Scientology members are often sodomized by pigs, sheep, horses, ducks, chickens, cats, and even barn owls, or so I’ve heard. From what people say, Church members often engage in plotting out ways to overthrow the U.S. Government while performing fellatio on cattle.

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

I hear this is dangerous, but then, I’ve heard Scientology members are suicidal idiots who do not fear death as long as they’ve the cock of a beast of burden in their mouth when they die. Sounds extreme, I know. But I’m only writing what I’ve heard others say. And I hope what I’ve heard gets The Church of Scientology’s attention. Why, you ask? Well, because, from what I’ve heard, they have a policy to aggressively attack anyone or any organization that is in any way critical of them. Interesting. I’ve heard I’m being critical of them right now actually. I’ve heard I want them annihilated. Go figure, eh? You know, I’ve heard that hearsay, true or not, can be really hurtful to people, as well as to evil organizations that need to be eliminated. I heard that from someone earlier. Honestly, I can’t remember who said it, but I really did hear it. Earlier.