E-mail To The Pontificator

email-forwardingWe get over 890,000 e-mails a day here at The Arm Chair Pontificator.  Here are a few.

1.) This one comes from liberalkiller66@gmail.com.  “Hey!  Pontificator!  I think your dick is tiny and your brain even tinier than that.   Obviously you’re a gay, atheist, lefty libtard who sleeps with Muslims cause you are one!  I’m sick of reading the shit you write, so STOP writing it, ass-bag!  Just go back to your friends in ISIS and die before I carpet bomb you!  ‘Bye, you ball sack, you.”

My reply to liberalkiller66 was as follows:  “Thanks for your kind words, liberalkiller66.  You seem like a fine fellow.   Next time you see your mother, tell her I dropped her toothbrush in the toilet the last time I stayed over at her place and put it back in the holder without rinsing it off.  Hope she didn’t use it.”

2.) And this one is from jimmythetoddler@yahoo.com.  “Hello.  I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Jimmy, and I’m 3 years old.  Yesterday, my mom and I, while out jogging through Manhattan, stopped by your office so I could use the bathroom.  I think I left my bag of candy there.  Could you please check and let me know if I did, and, if it’s there, could you please FedEx it back to me right away?  I want to eat it.  Thanks. P.S. Love your site, man.”

My reply to Jimmy was this: “Sorry Jimmy, I found your candy and I ate it all.  Life simply blows sometimes, doesn’t it.  Thanks for reading my blog, and keep up with the jogging.  I hear it’s good for you.”

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Letters To TACP

letters2Here are some letters TACP has received and my responses to them. I hope they enlighten and enrich your lives as much as they have mine.

1.) Dear Fungus Face: You suck. Why do you suck? Well, let me tell you. You suck because you are not a Christian and you are a stupid dummy. That is why you suck. Oh, and you also suck because you think you are funny but you are just a person who hates Jesus and loves gays. See? You suck. Sincerely, Elizabeth Cleavage, Baton Rouge, Louisianan

Ms. Cleavage: Thanks for clarifying for me that I suck. You sound like a bright, cheerful person who has plenty of love to share with the world. I’m certain Jesus has a special place for you in his heart. I hope that, if you have children, you are teaching them not to suck because, take it from me, you wouldn’t want anyone writing them letters telling them they suck. It can be quite an unpleasant experience. Love, TACP

2.) My dearest ACP, for me, you are the very definition of a man. You are smart beyond human comprehension and your love-making skills are unparalleled. When I think of you my heart flutters, my knees weaken, and my loins become moist. You are, to me, a god made flesh.  Thank you for allowing me to worship and please you with my mind, body, and soul. Love always, Angelina Jolie, Los Angeles, California

Angelina, thanks for writing. How are Brad and the kids? Hope you haven’t mentioned our little weekend liaisons to them. Brad has SUCH a temper! I wouldn’t want to have to kick his ass, again. Anyway, see you soon. Love, TACP  P.S. I forgot to tell you this, but last time you spent the night, I think I may have I accidentally used your toothbrush. Sorry bout that kiddo.

3.) Dear asshole!!! Where’s the 50 bucks you owe me from our pool game last Saturday? Pay up or spend eternity in Hell. Love always, Jesus, Heaven

Jesus, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot. I promise I’ll pay you next week. Please forgive me. Amen, TACP

 

That’s all for now folks!

Letters To The Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Here at TACP Inc, I get letters. Tons of letters. Most of them question my manhood and sanity, but a few are much more insulting and/or creative than that. So, I’ve decided to share a few of the best ones for the enjoyment of the plethora of readers I have world-wide. I’ve also included my response to each of these letters at no cost to anyone, anywhere, ever.

1.) This first letter was written in response a post I published criticizing Scientology. It reads as follows: “Dear Pontificator, You are not as smart as you think! You are a dumb-bell and you smell like rotten cheese. Your parents must truly be ashamed of your dumbness. I bet your teeth are yellow and protrude 7″ from your mouth. No decent woman would look at you, let alone sleep with you, so at least the world is free of your offspring. God have mercy on you, you idiot. May you burn in Hell forever.  Amy Bigbuttski, Loving Catholic and Mother, Warsaw, Poland.”

Response: Well Amy, all I can say to you is this: My teeth never, and I mean NEVER, have stuck out more than 4″ from my mouth at any time in my life. Now who’s the idiot, huh?

Who'd EVER Mock These Guys?

Who’d EVER Mock These Guys?

2.) This second letter was written in response to a post I published on Darth Vader and Yoda and it reads as follows:

“Dear Gay-face: You are gay. Did you know that, gay-rod? Did you? Why don’t you pontificate on just how gay you are, huh? No. Of course not! Cause you LOVE gays, right? They have rights, right? But Darth Vader and Yoda, they’re just fictional characters, so you think you have free-reign to pick on them without hurting anyone. Right, gay-breath? Right? Well I LOVE Darth Vader and Yoda, and your insensitive bashing of them has caused me to suffer from PTSD! Now how funny do you feel, gay-teeth! Huh? PTSD! You gave it to me. Fuck you, and good-bye, gay-hair! Yours forever, Pete Pencilpeepee, Mayor, New York City.”

Response: PTSD. Wow. That’s too bad, Pete. I was about to ask you out on a date. But there’s no way in Hell I’m ever letting another whack-job with PTSD suck my cock. Last one almost bit my dick off. Otherwise, pal, your letter was a real turn on. Thanks.

What Did We Ever Do To You?

What Did We Ever Do To You?

3.) The last letter I’ll share today was written in response to my post on Vladimir Putin and his funny sounding last name. “My dearest friend. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are the man of my dreams. You’re funny, sexy, smart, and surely your penis and tongue are very skilled at pleasing a woman. Just reading your post on Vladimir Putin made me wet. I simply must meet you and be ravished by you, over, and over, and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to masturbate for hours. That’s how HOT writing this letter to you has made me. Please come take me soon, and hard. Yours in Christ, Sister Mary Fannytight, The Convent For 18-19 Year Old Sexy Girls, Vienna, Austria.

Response: I’ll be right there Sister. Just booked my flight. See you soon. TACP.

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!