Here at TACP Inc, I get letters. Tons of letters. Most of them question my manhood and sanity, but a few are much more insulting and/or creative than that. So, I’ve decided to share a few of the best ones for the enjoyment of the plethora of readers I have world-wide. I’ve also included my response to each of these letters at no cost to anyone, anywhere, ever.
1.) This first letter was written in response a post I published criticizing Scientology. It reads as follows: “Dear Pontificator, You are not as smart as you think! You are a dumb-bell and you smell like rotten cheese. Your parents must truly be ashamed of your dumbness. I bet your teeth are yellow and protrude 7″ from your mouth. No decent woman would look at you, let alone sleep with you, so at least the world is free of your offspring. God have mercy on you, you idiot. May you burn in Hell forever. Amy Bigbuttski, Loving Catholic and Mother, Warsaw, Poland.”
Response: Well Amy, all I can say to you is this: My teeth never, and I mean NEVER, have stuck out more than 4″ from my mouth at any time in my life. Now who’s the idiot, huh?
2.) This second letter was written in response to a post I published on Darth Vader and Yoda and it reads as follows:
“Dear Gay-face: You are gay. Did you know that, gay-rod? Did you? Why don’t you pontificate on just how gay you are, huh? No. Of course not! Cause you LOVE gays, right? They have rights, right? But Darth Vader and Yoda, they’re just fictional characters, so you think you have free-reign to pick on them without hurting anyone. Right, gay-breath? Right? Well I LOVE Darth Vader and Yoda, and your insensitive bashing of them has caused me to suffer from PTSD! Now how funny do you feel, gay-teeth! Huh? PTSD! You gave it to me. Fuck you, and good-bye, gay-hair! Yours forever, Pete Pencilpeepee, Mayor, New York City.”
Response: PTSD. Wow. That’s too bad, Pete. I was about to ask you out on a date. But there’s no way in Hell I’m ever letting another whack-job with PTSD suck my cock. Last one almost bit my dick off. Otherwise, pal, your letter was a real turn on. Thanks.
3.) The last letter I’ll share today was written in response to my post on Vladimir Putin and his funny sounding last name. “My dearest friend. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are the man of my dreams. You’re funny, sexy, smart, and surely your penis and tongue are very skilled at pleasing a woman. Just reading your post on Vladimir Putin made me wet. I simply must meet you and be ravished by you, over, and over, and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to masturbate for hours. That’s how HOT writing this letter to you has made me. Please come take me soon, and hard. Yours in Christ, Sister Mary Fannytight, The Convent For 18-19 Year Old Sexy Girls, Vienna, Austria.
Response: I’ll be right there Sister. Just booked my flight. See you soon. TACP.