Recipes From The Atheist Cookbook

I’ve written a cookbook for atheists because I decided we godless, cannibal bastards needed one. To help promote it, I’ve decided to share a few recipes from it. Try ’em. They are guaranteed DELICIOUS!

1.) Christian Infant Tartare: Just catch yourself one fresh Christian infant; flay it; soak it overnight in olive oil and garlic; carve off a nice chunk of arm or breast meat; chop into fine bits; salt lightly, and wa la! Christian infant tartare is yours to enjoy! Oh. One thing: Make sure you cut off all the skin BEFORE you salt the meat. For some reason, salt makes the skin bubble, and, if that happens, you may lose your appetite and toss out a meal you’d surely otherwise have enjoyed.

Evangelical Christian Baby Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The  Baby Fat

Christian Infant Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The Skin Before Salting

2.) Muslim Meatballs: Catch and chop up a Muslim or two; cut off a chunk or two of thigh; grind into a fine meat paste; add garlic, salt, parsley powder, a touch of oregano, and round into balls; cook in olive oil at 350 degrees for an hour; toss into your favorite pasta sauce and boil for another hour, and your meatballs are ready to serve. I’ve found that Al Qaeda meat tastes best, though I’m not sure why.

Muslim Meatballs. 2nd From Bottom Was An Al Qaeda Member

Muslim Meatballs. Second From The Bottom Is From An Al Qaeda Member

3.) Mormon Jello: This one’s easy. Catch a Mormon and slice him into thin pieces of meat; fry them in a pan with, you guessed it, garlic and olive oil; mix up a batch of clear Jello; place the cooked meat into the Jello mix; stir; refrigerate til set, and serve.

Jewish Jello:

The Red Mormon Meat Shows Nicely Through The Clear Jello

4.) Lutheran Frosted Lemon Cake: You’ll need the skin from a Lutheran or two for this. Catch the Lutherans; flay them; mash the skin into a syrupy paste after first washing it clean of blood; add sugar, and refrigerate over night; bake your favorite lemon cake; frost with the Lutheran skin paste and serve. FYI, this is a great dessert to serve after a hearty meal of Christian baby tartare. Yummy.

 Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

5.) Catholic Priest Pedophile Rapist Stew: This is my favorite dish as savoring the flesh of pedophile rapist Catholic priests never fails to lift my spirits high. Get a hold of a pedophile rapist Catholic priest, preferably one who’s been at it awhile and recently caught; slowly flay him alive; very slowly boil his still alert carcass in a vat of olive oil mixed with salt, vinegar, and garlic. The breast meat will fall off in chunks when fully boiled. Cut it into bite size pieces; stir into a pot of vegetable stew; simmer for 45 minutes and serve. Lip smacking good stuff!

A Catholic Priest Pedophile I Ate Last Night

I Finely Chopped This Pedophile Rapist Into A Stew Last Night

Bon appetit, my fellow godless, morally deprived, evil, atheist cannibals!


22 thoughts on “Recipes From The Atheist Cookbook

  1. Whoa there. Like your drift, but think I’m a wimp. Haven’t the stomach for all these ‘holy’ morsels. Keep chomping though.


  2. The pedophile priest stew would definitely be a great alternative to stuffed turkey for christmas. Though do you also have a recipe for stuffed pedophile priest? That somehow seems more appropriate to me…


  3. Creationist stew: Put waters in pot. Simmer for seven days and then threaten with damnation if it’s not delicious.

    KKKabobs: Cube and serve on a stick. No grilling necessary; precooked. Remember to remove bed sheet before consumption.


    • Not bad. I’ll consider adding these to the second edition, i.e. the second coming of The Atheist Cookbook.


    • Feel free to improve upon them. We never write down recipes in my family, you see. It’s like the multiverse of culinary arts. People are always like, “Oh, it’s amazing, and you made it just for me!” No, no, I pulled it out of my ass.


    • I suggest keeping a copy of The Atheist Cookbook under your bed then for when you’re expecting important company. But keep it secret. You’ll never cease to wow em that way!


  4. Pedophile Stew sounds delightful!


  5. I laughed all through. Hilarious to the last period.


  6. And for the veggie-atheists? To be honest, I don’t want to pollute my temple of atheos with theists.


    • Their not theists after you cook ’em. They’re just food. Veggie atheists? Naw. Not evil enough. There’s too much morality there. Real atheists, as I’ve been told, have no morals and lack a sense of right and wrong. I’m one of those, though I didn’t fully grasp it until Christians explained it to me. Now that I know, I live it fully each day. 😀


    • >Veggie atheists? Naw. Not evil enough. There’s too much morality there.

      It’s not much a “morality” issue, more a health concern. Theists don’t sound healthy for my body.


    • But they’re great for your soul, friend. All you have to do is believe!


    • >All you have to do is believe!

      Isn’t that the very creed of theists?


    • Yep. I’ll let you in on a little secret, just promise me you won’t tell anyone else, OK? i’m only joking. none of this is serious. but shhh about it. it bothers theists, and i like that.


  7. Crikey – you’re not pulling your punches today. Nice one.


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