We all know and love the Bible for its light take on reality and its pompous, male-centric nonsense, but few know of the sublime hilarity hidden within its pages. Why? Because the Bible, like the pyramids of Egypt, was cryptically created by aliens whom only a very few geniuses have ever completely understood. Well, lucky for you, I’m one of them. Thus, I’ve been able to decrypt a few of the more hilarious Bible verses for you, and I’ve written them below for your entertainment.
1.) This first quote comes from Paul’s letters to the Hungarians. It reads as follows: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya better zip. Ya better zip what? Ya better zip yer fly after ya pee or yer dinky will get cold.”
2.) This one is from Galatians. It reads as follows: “Hey Henry!” “Yes.” “What the fuck is a Galatian, exactly?” “What kind of idiot are you? He’s the arch nemesis of The Fantastic Four and the creator of The Silver Surfer. God, you’re a dork!” “Sorry, dude. Guess we all can’t be as smart as you.”
3.) This one comes from Genesis: “And then Bones said unto Kirk:’It took God 7 days to make the universe. But she does it in 7 minutes!’ ”
4.) This gem comes to you from The Gospel of Luke: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!” “No, Luke! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!!!”
5.) Finally, for today, I bring you this beautiful quote from the Book of Revelation: “A revelation? You want a revelation, Alice? I’ll give you a revelation! Bang! Zoom! You’re gonna be on the MOON in minute, Alice! How’s that for a revelation?”