In a statement today which was marked with paranoia and excessive use of the words “clearly obvious”, James McDickel, official spokesman for the newly founded Conspiracy Party of America, proclaimed the Higgs boson was discovered by an alien race of really smart beings from a galaxy really far from here. “Just think about it folks,” McDickel said.
Conspiracy Party Spokesman, James McDickel.
“Since it is clearly obvious that aliens built the pyramids in Egypt because ancient Egyptians, using only human ingenuity, perseverance, and a shit-load of people over a shit-load of time, were far too stupid to have done it alone, it only stands to reason that aliens also built the particle accelerator used in finding the Higgs boson. I gotta believe building a fucking machine that shoots subatomic particles around at the speed of light is far harder to build than a fucking pyramid. I, for one, couldn’t even conceive of such a thing, let alone build one, and I’m pretty damn smart. So clearly, it is obvious, that really smart aliens have once again built something really bitchin’ for us that we ourselves never could have done alone. It truly is time for us to give them the credit they deserve and stop pretending we’re capable of building wondrously amazing things all by ourselves.”
Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys
We all know and love the Bible for its light take on reality and its pompous, male-centric nonsense, but few know of the sublime hilarity hidden within its pages. Why? Because the Bible, like the pyramids of Egypt, was cryptically created by aliens whom only a very few geniuses have ever completely understood. Well, lucky for you, I’m one of them. Thus, I’ve been able to decrypt a few of the more hilarious Bible verses for you, and I’ve written them below for your entertainment.
1.) This first quote comes from Paul’s letters to the Hungarians. It reads as follows: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya better zip. Ya better zip what? Ya better zip yer fly after ya pee or yer dinky will get cold.”
2.) This one is from Galatians. It reads as follows: “Hey Henry!” “Yes.” “What the fuck is a Galatian, exactly?” “What kind of idiot are you? He’s the arch nemesis of The Fantastic Four and the creator of The Silver Surfer. God, you’re a dork!” “Sorry, dude. Guess we all can’t be as smart as you.”
3.) This one comes from Genesis: “And then Bones said unto Kirk:’It took God 7 days to make the universe. But she does it in 7 minutes!’ ”
4.) This gem comes to you from The Gospel of Luke: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!” “No, Luke! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!!!”
5.) Finally, for today, I bring you this beautiful quote from the Book of Revelation: “A revelation? You want a revelation, Alice? I’ll give you a revelation! Bang! Zoom! You’re gonna be on the MOON in minute, Alice! How’s that for a revelation?”
Don’t know how this amazing piece of well-known, undeniable proof has eluded me all these years, but, apparently, we would not have Velcro today had aliens not crashed landed a space ship in the Mexican desert in the 1950’s. That’s what a Faith-filled alien conspiracy believer shouted at me yesterday when I told him I did not see any conceivable reason to believe such an event happened.
Proof The Government Is Hiding A Crashed Alien Space Craft
And I mean SHOUTED at me, as if I’d questioned his manhood or some other deeply sensitive thing. “What about fuckin’ Velcro, mother fucker?! Explain that shit, you shit head!” I also didn’t realize that by not believing in alien space craft crash conspiracies I was a “mother fucker” and a “shit head.” Live and learn, I guess. There are two words that come into my mind lately whenever I’m told about U.S. grand scheme cover-up conspiracies: Edward Snowden. You remember him don’t you, the NSA entry-level worker who blew the whistle on the illegal internet spying the U.S. does on its own citizens? That Edward Snowden. It amazes me how so many believe the “Government” to be so omnipotent and God-like that it can hide an alien space craft in the New Mexican desert for 70 years and murder 3000 innocent people on 9/11 without a single piece of credible evidence to these Earth changing events ever being produced by anyone, ever, and, at the same time, be so oafish as to let Snowden do what he did. Because believe me, the NSA did NOT want Snowden doing what he did and then, worse yet, rubbing their faces in it by running to Russia for protection and becoming Putin’s personal bitch. Velcro. Velcro is the fucking selling point for these idiots. Mother fucking Velcro. I’m convinced, that if an alien species did come here, they’d turn tail and run. We are a stupid lot, collectively speaking. I would fly off right now myself, except, last time I checked, Velcro did not work well as a warp drive for inter galactic space travel.
Ken Ham has a new friend. His name is, Jes’oo’z Da Kin’ga, and he is a Reptilian space alien from the planet Ful’O’Sh’at, located about 6000 light years away.
Ken Ham And His Reptilian Space Alien Bodyguard, Jes’oo’z Da Kin’ga
He has been working as Ken’s personal body-guard and manicurist since arriving on Earth in answer to Ken’s prayers for a Reptilian space alien bodyguard to keep him safe from a-theist cannibals and PZ Myers who, he’s convinced, is trying to drive him insane. “Oh, there’s no doubt about it,” said Mr. Ham. “PZ often stands in front of my house for hours at a time, smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes and masturbating to gay porn magazines. Even more disturbing, however, is that PZ has somehow discovered a way to will himself into the form of a small monkey-like creature which never fails to find a way into my house and my underwear drawer. I always know the nights he’s been here because my underwear are always tossed out onto the floor and a pair or two always seem to be missing.
PZ Myers In Monkey-Creature Form
I’m so grateful to have had my prayers answered with the arrival of J’es’oo’z Da Kin’ga here. The minute PZ Myers sees him coming, away goes the gay porn and cigarettes, and he’s off and away in no time at all. Reptilian Aliens also have a great sense of smell when it comes to primates, so PZ’s monkey-creature is hunted down and chased out before a single pair of underwear ever goes missing. The one issue I do have with my Reptilian buddy here is his craving to eat small dogs. 20 of them have gone missing since he got here. I’m trying to find a way to get J’es’oo’z to develop a taste for cannibal a-theists, blacks, Jews, and single mothers as a substitute for my neighbors’ dogs. In time, I’m confident he will, and all will be fine.”