Tony Stark says, I’m Too Fat To Be Iron Man.

Tony Stark Gives Tearful Webcam Apology

Tony Stark Gives Tearful Webcam Apology

Tony Stark, aka, Iron Man, gave a tearful webcam apology this morning to fans saying he’s become too fat to wear the Iron Man armor and will be selling it on E-bay.  “I’m so terribly sorry this has happened,” Mr. Stark said while eating a jelly donut and weeping. “Ever since Pepper Potts and I broke up, I’ve been in a deep depression and my only comfort has been jelly donuts and reading this really cool blog called, The Arm Chair Pontificator.  Dude who writes it is fucking brilliant! I’m nominating him for the Nobel Prize. He’s THAT smart.

Iron Man Sold On E-bay

Iron Man Armor For Sale On E-bay

Any way, the armor will go up on E-bay in the next day or two and I’m hoping someone thin enough to wear it buys it and puts it to good use.  It comes with a full battery charge and a 6 month warranty against rust.  I apology again to all my fans for letting myself go like this and I thank you for letting me be one of your super heroes. Wish me luck as I wish it to you. This is Tony Stark signing off. Good Bye.”

Christian Apologist Apologies For Being Chowder Head

Stanley Clueless: An Apologizing Christian Apologist

Stanley Clueless: Apologizing For Being A Chowder Head

Nome, Alaska.   A Christian apologist named Stanley Clueless today said he was very sorry for all the years he wasted being a chowder head. “I’d like to apologize to my wife, Cindy, my daughter, Bertha, and our pet turtle, Clyde, for wasting not only my time, but theirs in my attempts to make the blithering nonsense that is in the Christian Bible seem logical and true all these years,” a tear-filled Mr. Clueless said. “It dawned on me this morning that it would make more sense if I tried to rationally explain the true existence of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, and The Hulk, than to continue my attempts at rationalizing just how true and real the stories from the Bible are. So, that’s what I’m now going to do. I’ve decided to become the world’s first Superhero Apologist. Wish me luck. I’ve a lot of work ahead of me, but, at least I know, deep down inside, I’m no longer a chowder head. Amen.”

Happy Unmemorial Day

Here in the States we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday of May each year in honor of those who have died in their service to our country. It is a good holiday and held for good reason. However, I feel there is also a holiday needed which helps us forget things we’d rather not remember. Thus, I’m declaring the Tuesday after every Memorial Day be hailed Unmemorial Day: a day for purging our memories of some of the stupider shit we’ve done in our lives through the subtle art of binge drinking.

May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget The Stupid Shit You've Done This Unmemorial Day

Happy Unmemorial Day: May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget Stupid Shit You’ve Done

Here’s a list of some dumb, stupid shit I’ve done that I’d love to erase from my memory this upcoming Unmemorial Day.

1.) When I was 12, I resurrected the dead in a neighborhood cemetery. Needless to say, this wreaked havoc on the neighborhood. A nuclear bomb had to be dropped to remedy the situation. Boy, was my mom PISSED! I’d really like to forget it ever happened.

My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead

My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead

2.) Jesus visited me once and wanted to take me shopping for some new clothes but me, being the a-theist bastard I am, told him to go fuck himself. I’d love to forget that incident. It really makes me feel bad because I desperately needed new clothes at the time.

It's Jesus. I'm Here To Take You Clothes Shopping

It’s Jesus. I’m Here To Take You Clothes Shopping

3.) I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.

I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants

I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants

4.) I sold my Iron Man suit on eBay last year to a 13-year-old because I got too fat to wear it. However, it still had a full charge in it, and the kid blew up half of Valparaiso, Indiana with it. I got my ass sued off because, apparently, it’s illegal to sell dangerous armor suits to kids. Go figure, eh? Anyway, I really want to forget that whole incident because, needless to say, it was very embarrassing.

For Use Only By Those Over 18

For Use Only By Those Over 18

Well, that’s it for now. Come back next year to learn about more stupid shit I’ve done that I want to erase from my mind via binge drinking. Until then, I hope you all have a happy and blessed Unmemorial Day tomorrow. Imperious Rex!

New Hero, Prurient Man, To Debut In Next Avengers Movie

“Prurient Man is gonna rock the world next summer when “Avengers: Age of Ultron” comes out,” said the film’s director, Joss Whedon, earlier today. “He’s like a cross between a sleazy strip club owner with yellow, rotting teeth and a really horned up Batman.

 Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

His special power is to be so lurid and sexually inappropriate with any villain unfortunate enough to face him in a fight, the shame and revulsion the villain feels renders him completely powerless and emotionally crippled for life. To give fans an early teaser as to what they can expect from this new hero, here’s a bit of dialog between Prurient Man and Thor from when they first meet, early on in the film. BTW, we’re shooting for an NC17 rating on this film, so, please, stop reading right now if you’re not 17 or over. Thank you for your cooperation!”

Thor: So, mortal, Tony Stark tells me you sent 45 twelve-inch black dildos to his girlfriend, Pepper Potts, last night with a note reading, “Suck on these baby, for practice, cause tonight I’m bringing home the entire Oakland Raiders football team to fuck you in all your womanly orifices while I watch and stroke my dick. Love always, your man with the Iron Cock, Tony.” I fail to see the humor of such a prank, mortal. And frankly, the very sight of you makes me feel as if I’ve not bathe in a whole millennium.

Prurient Man: Thor, I must tell you, I’ve often fantasized about being tied, naked, and erect, to your mighty hammer, Mjolnir, while you, naked and wet from a long hot shower you’ve just shared with your brother, Loki, toss it around trying to, shall we say, toss me “off” before we gallantly go to lather and shave the privy parts of a truly incorrigible young, lady villain garbed only in a tattered pair of pink, crotchless panties and a thick, gold clit ring.

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

Thor: Odin’s beard, mortal! Do you have no shame? Still your foul tongue and say not another word, or I shall tear the accursed thing from your mouth and burn it to ash with lightning from Mjolnir!

That’s it folks. Sorry, but we gotta wait til next summer for more. However, Joss Whedon did assure us here at TACP that if you felt Prurient Man’s behavior was bad in this small scene, with a fellow hero, just wait til you see what’s in store for the villains of the film.