Oh, my love!
How my heart does
Whenever I smell the
Yours is the
Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst
That ever has lived ever
You have my undying
Thank you my
For making me into the
I’ve now become
Body, mind, and soul
Today, tomorrow, and
A Russian dossier containing incriminating information on Donald Trump has recently surfaced. It’s existence poses a very important question: “Has Russia been blackmailing Donald Trump to do its bidding?” Well, the readers of this blog will be glad to learn, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have been given access to this dossier. A few interesting tidbits of information from it are presented below. Enjoy.
1.) 12/13/2011. The Donald and Vladimir make love in President Putin’s Winnebago. The act is filmed by Russian porno director, and former KGB agent, Gustav Bigdickski. Bigdickski said of the experience: “It was like filming vanilla ice cream melt all over orange sherbet.” Vladimir is rumored to be keeping the video of this event under his mattress in Moscow.
2.) 03/06/2015. The Donald comes to Moscow and declares his undying love to President Putin. Ingrid Grabpussinstein, one of Vladimir’s chamber maids, heard Trump promise Putin this: “Vlady, if you help me win the 2016 Presidential election in my country, I promise you, you’ll not only have unlimited access to my mangina, you’ll have America at your beck and call to do whatever you wish with it.”
3.) 12/25/2016. The Donald visits several of his mistresses in a bathroom in Trump Tower in order to pee on them. One of these mistresses, Beverly Idoitfordacash, overheard a call Trump placed to Vladimir Putin. Here’s what she heard: “Listen, Vlady, I put Exxon Oil CEO, Rex Tillerson on my cabinet, just like I promised you I would. He’ll do whatever you want him to. Now, can I please come over to your house so we can do the ‘nasty’ to celebrate the holidays?”
*Stay tuned. More secrets from the dossier to be revealed later.
Christ’s Overflowing Blood City, Mississippi. A group of devout Christians today declared Donald Trump must never be shirtless in public. “As every TruChristian agrees, Donald Trump is God’s voice on Earth,” spokesperson for TruChristians everywhere, Betty Closedthighs, declared earlier. “However, he simply must never bare his chest in public as his lover, Vladimir Putin, has done because the fat, orangeness of his body is off-putting to the many Christians who love him, even though it gives Vladimir Putin a big woody. So, Lord Donald, we, as your devout minions, pray to you, keep your shirt on in public because, objectively speaking, you look like shit without it. Amen, and may God have mercy on all those who did not vote for the greatest man who’s ever lived, Donald J. Trump.”
Moscow, Russia. President-Elect Donald Trump today said he will be returning Alaska to Russia as soon as he becomes President on January 20th. “Yeah,” Trump said earlier, “Alaska was bigly purchased in 1867 by a liberal asshole named Andrew Johnson. What a fuckin’ sissy he was! I mean, COME ON! Alaska is, like, cold n’ dark, like, 14 months outta the year! Why in fuck’s name do we need to own it? Crazy, eh? So, as a Christmas gift to the greatest, and sexiest man alive, Vladimir Putin, I’m returning Alaska to Russia as soon as I become President. This gift, includes every man, woman and child living in Alaska today, AND, it includes all the oil that’s in Alaska. Really, why in George W. Bush’s name do we need oil from Alaska when we’ve oil from Texas to fuel our economy? This gift will help make America great again because it will give a piece of America to Russia and Vladimir Putin, the very things that put my orange ass into office. God bless Russia, and God bless Vladimir Putin!”
Trump called for Russia to hack into Hillary Clinton’s emails yesterday. This, combined with his bro-mance with Vladimir Putin, make him a treasonous, anti-American scoundrel and a threat to U.S. national security. He must NOT begin receiving national security updates as he’s scheduled to do any day now. We’ve a traitor running for President, and his name is Donald Trump.
Trump-Is-God City, USA. After asking the Russians today to hack Hillary Clinton’s email server for him, Donald Trump declared, “Please, ISIS, kill Hillary Clinton. I hate her, and she bothers me.” Trump further went on to say, “Just as I’ve come to love Vladimir Putin, Russia, and China, I’ve come to develop a deep fondness for my Islamic friends in ISIS. Once you get to know them, they’re really not all that bad. They’re also really good at killing people, and I want Hillary Clinton dead right NOW!!!! She disrespects my greatness with each breath she takes. How DARE she say unflattering things about me! My pal Putin doesn’t do that, and neither do my new pals in ISIS. They like me. They think I’m smart, funny, kind, and good-looking. So, I’m asking you, my ISIS brothers, kill Hillary for me and end this idiotic Presidential race. There really is no race anyway, as only a blind, anti-American idiot would vote for Hillary over me. God bless you, ISIS, and God bless Vladimir Putin, Russia, and America.”
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