Recipes From The Russian Dossier On Trump

From The Russian Dossier On Trump

1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies.   Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind.   Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka.   Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him.  Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.

2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie.  Go to Moscow.  Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you.  Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl.  Place some premixed pie dough into bowl.  Mix.  Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States).  Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees.  Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this.  Let cookies cool.  Enjoy.

3.) Lying Bastard Soup.  Eat a bowl of soup in a public place.  Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life.  If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news.  Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.

4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew.  Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper.   “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew.   Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew.  Stir in with spoon.  Eat.

5.) Fascist Fried Steak.  Order a steak well done at a restaurant.  When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly.  Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter.  Get another waiter to take your order.  Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else.  Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.

6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza.  Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people.  When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza.  Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up.  Take out a slice and eat it.  (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience.  It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit.  Let the audience order their own if they want some.)

7.) Impotent President Pudding.  Make a pot of rice pudding.  Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill.  Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably.   Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter.   Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.

8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie.   Place an apple pie in the oven.  Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin.  Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever.  Remove pie from oven.  Let cool.  Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag.   You’ve now made America great again.

9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger.   While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel.  Let gel “harden”.  Place raw hamburger meat into mold.  Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes.  Remove meat and place on bun.  Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.

10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf.   Make a meatloaf.  Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm).   Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth.  Bark like a puppy every time you catch one.  Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.

A Few Things Trump Has Recently Acquired

1.)

Paul Ryan's Spine

Paul Ryan’s Spine

 

2.)

Kellyanne Conway's Soul

Kellyanne Conway’s Soul

 

3.)

Sean Spicer's Underwear

Sean Spicer’s Underwear

 

4.)

A Glass Of Vladimir Putin's Semen

Glass Of Vladimir Putin’s Semen

 

5.)

Chris Christie's Balls

Chris Christie’s Balls

A Valentine To My Lover, Vladimir

trumpvladimir

Oh, my love!

How my heart does

Flutter

Whenever I smell the

Sweet scent

Of your

Manly flesh

You,

My love,

Complete me

Yours is the

Biglyest, kindlyest, huuggeesst

Soul

That ever has lived ever

You have my undying

Trust and

Devotion

Always

Thank you my

Russian lover

For making me into the

Great

Man

I’ve now become

I’m yours

Body, mind, and soul

Today, tomorrow, and

Forever

Love always,

Donny

Contents Of Russian Dossier On Trump Revealed

Actual Photo Of Russian Dossier On Trump

Actual Photo Of Russian Dossier On Trump

A Russian dossier containing incriminating information on Donald Trump has recently surfaced.  It’s existence poses a very important question: “Has Russia been blackmailing Donald Trump to do its bidding?”   Well, the readers of this blog will be glad to learn, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have been given access to this dossier.  A few interesting tidbits of information from it are presented below.  Enjoy.

1.)  12/13/2011.   The Donald and Vladimir make love in President Putin’s Winnebago.   The act is filmed by Russian porno director, and former KGB agent,  Gustav Bigdickski.   Bigdickski said of the experience:  “It was like filming vanilla ice cream melt all over orange sherbet.”  Vladimir is rumored to be keeping the video of this event under his mattress in Moscow.

2.)  03/06/2015.  The Donald comes to Moscow and declares his undying love to President Putin.  Ingrid Grabpussinstein, one of Vladimir’s chamber maids, heard Trump promise Putin this:  “Vlady, if you help me win the 2016 Presidential election in my country, I promise you, you’ll not only have unlimited access to my mangina, you’ll have America at your beck and call to do whatever you wish with it.”

3.)  12/25/2016.   The Donald visits several of his mistresses in a bathroom in Trump Tower in order to pee on them.  One of these mistresses, Beverly Idoitfordacash, overheard a call Trump placed to Vladimir Putin.  Here’s what she heard: “Listen, Vlady, I put Exxon Oil CEO, Rex Tillerson on my cabinet, just like I promised you I would.  He’ll do whatever you want him to.  Now, can I please come over to your house so we can do the ‘nasty’ to celebrate the holidays?”

*Stay tuned.  More secrets from the dossier to be revealed later.

Christians Declare Trump Must Keep Shirt On In Public

Attractive. NOT!!!!

Attractive?  NOT!!!!

Christ’s Overflowing Blood City, Mississippi.   A group of devout Christians today declared Donald Trump must never be shirtless in public.  “As every TruChristian agrees, Donald Trump is God’s voice on Earth,”  spokesperson for TruChristians everywhere, Betty Closedthighs, declared earlier.  “However, he simply must never bare his chest in public as his lover, Vladimir Putin, has done because the fat, orangeness of his body is off-putting to the many Christians who love him, even though it gives Vladimir Putin a big woody.  So, Lord Donald, we, as your devout minions, pray to you, keep your shirt on in public because, objectively speaking, you look like shit without it.  Amen, and may God have mercy on all those who did not vote for the greatest man who’s ever lived, Donald J. Trump.”

Putin To Receive Alaska As Christmas Gift From Trump

Santa Trump Puckering His Lips In Anticipation Of Kissing Vladimir Putin's Anus

Santa Trump Puckering His Lips In Anticipation Of Kissing Vladimir Putin’s Anus

Moscow, Russia.   President-Elect Donald Trump today said he will be returning Alaska to Russia as soon as he becomes President on January 20th.  “Yeah,” Trump said earlier, “Alaska was bigly purchased in 1867 by a liberal asshole named Andrew Johnson.  What a fuckin’ sissy he was!  I mean, COME ON!  Alaska is, like, cold n’ dark, like, 14 months outta the year!  Why in fuck’s name do we need to own it?  Crazy, eh?  So, as a Christmas gift to the greatest, and sexiest man alive, Vladimir Putin, I’m returning Alaska to Russia as soon as I become President.  This gift, includes every man,  woman and child living in Alaska today, AND, it includes all the oil that’s in Alaska.  Really, why in George W. Bush’s name do we need oil from Alaska when we’ve oil from Texas to fuel our economy?   This gift will help make America great again because it will give a piece of America to Russia and Vladimir Putin, the very things that put my orange ass into office.  God bless Russia, and God bless Vladimir Putin!”

Block Trump From Receiving Security Briefings

Trump called for Russia to hack into Hillary Clinton’s emails yesterday.  This, combined with his bro-mance with Vladimir Putin, make him a treasonous, anti-American scoundrel and a threat to U.S. national security.   He must NOT begin receiving national security updates as he’s scheduled to do any day now.  We’ve a traitor running for President, and his name is Donald Trump.