Moscow, Russia. Vladimir Putin today issued a statement expressing his severe displeasure in his minion, American President, Donald Trump, for losing the 2020 election. “I worked my ass off to help Trump win this election so I could continue to have him do my bidding as I work to rebuild the Soviet Union, and he has severely fucked up,” Putin stated. “I told him to at least make pretend to take Covid-19 seriously, and he refused to do so. Also, I demanded that he tell his followers to embrace mail-in voting so they could aggressively vote early, for almost a month, and he refused to listen to me. His failure to follow my simple orders has cost him this election and has severely slowed my quest to rapidly turn all of Europe into a new Soviet State. I will be demanding Donald come visit me so I can take him over my powerful Russian knee and spank his entitled, orange, spoiled-rotten ass until it beats red with pain. You are going to be punished, Donald, because you’ve made your Uncle Putin very, very angry! Now, get your fat ass over to Russia so I can spank it. Hard!”
As everyone who follows this blog knows, I ran a very intense campaign in 2016 for the Presidency of the United States. Like Donald Trump, I too tried to get Russian President, Vladimir Putin to help me win it. Here’s a list of some of the things I offered Putin in exchange for his help.
1.) A 50,000 dollar studio apartment in downtown Gary, Indiana.
2.) A hairless cat named Bill.
3.) 2 goldfish. One was alive.
4.) The key to the roller skates I had when I was 11.
5.) A ticket stub to a Cubs v Mets game from 1997.
6.) A Playboy magazine from 1985. It was, however, missing the centerfold.
7.) A set of rakes to be used in case of forest fires.
8.) A working VCR and 4 video taped recordings of the first 3 seasons of The Golden Girls.
9.) My second grade report card with my mother’s signature on it.
10.) A 4 dollar gift certificate to Taco Bell from 1999.
Sadly, even with me offering him all these wonderful things, Putin decided to help Donald Trump win the Presidency in 2016 and not me. And we all know how THAT’S turned out. Happily, I’m trying again in 2020, and THIS time I’m going to ask Kim Jong-un to help me. Hopefully, he will. I’ll let you know.
QAnon Village, Ohio. Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell announced today they are forming a new boy band called The Treasonous Three. “Let me tell you something,” President Trump said earlier, “Mitch, Paul, and I can harmonize like angels singing to Jesus when we belt out tunes. We noticed how wonderful we sound together at Vladimir Putin’s birthday party a few months back while we were sing, For He’s A Jolly Good Comrade to him. We sounded so dulcet and sweet we literally brought tears to Vlad’s eyes. Right then and there, President Putin decided we should form a boy band called The Treasonous Three, and he committed to being our manager. He’s already been managing our political policies for years, so, we thought, why the hell not this, too. We will be touring Russia and Ukraine in September, and then we’ll come home to tour America just in time for the November midterms, elections that President Putin has ensured us will most definitely go our way. So, be sure to watch for the time and date we’ll be in your home town, so you can enjoy the lovely harmonies of The Treasonous Three up close and personal. You most certainly don’t want to miss it while a treasonous trio is singing right in your own city. See you soon. And, until then, remember, if it sounds and looks just like something you really, really want to be true, it is.”
Gary, Indiana. President Trump announced today that he’s opened a new department store in Moscow, Russia. “It’s the bigly-est department store ever,” President Trump said earlier. “It’s called Traitor Don’s, and it represents what can happen when an entire political party puts its own interests above those of its country. The amount of money I, and my sycophants in the GOP, will make from this store is almost limitless. We Republicans will use the store to sell America’s most sensitive secrets to every Russian citizen who wishes to purchase them. We’ve already made over 75 thousand t-shirts with America’s nuclear codes printed on them which, at this very moment, are selling like bowls of hot borscht for the nominal fee of 15 rubles. They come in red, white, or blue in honor of all those who sacrificed to make America the great land it is today.
The store also features a large entertainment section where Russians can purchase Blu-Ray DVD’s of Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and me, Donald J. Trump, singing such songs such as, I Am A Traitor To My Country, and Vladimir Putin, We Love You Tender. All the proceeds from the store go to help the wealthiest Republican families in America become richer, fatter, and more vile than any middle or working class American ever thought possible.
If you are an American planning a trip to Russia, please make sure to stop by Traitor Don’s and watch as your country is sold, bit by bit, to an adversarial foreign power. And remember, it’s all perfectly fine because it’s the Republican Party doing it. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”
1.) ‘Lil Vlady’s Vodka Cookies. Bake 4 dozen cookies of any kind. Soak cookies for 5 minutes in vat of Russian vodka. Invite Russian Ambassador over for late night snack and eat the cookies with him. Betray your country by making financial deals with the Ambassador that place Russia’s needs above those of your own country.
2.) Pee Pee Pineapple Pie. Go to Moscow. Have President Putin hire two prostitutes for you. Have prostitutes pee in a mixing bowl. Place some premixed pie dough into bowl. Mix. Add pineapple slices (these may be hard to come by in Russia, so remember to bring your own from the States). Bake for 20 minutes at 350 degrees. Make sure Putin did not secretly tape you doing this. Let cookies cool. Enjoy.
3.) Lying Bastard Soup. Eat a bowl of soup in a public place. Later, when asked what kind of soup you had, deny ever having eaten soup in your life. If asked again, scream bloody murder and accuse those questioning you of spreading fake news. Repeat as often as necessary to get everyone listening to believe you.
4.) Orange Colored Chicken Stew. Have your servants bring you some chicken stew for supper. “Accidentally” dip your face, previously covered in orange makeup, into the stew. Wait 5 minutes or until most of the orange makeup runs off into the stew. Stir in with spoon. Eat.
5.) Fascist Fried Steak. Order a steak well done at a restaurant. When waiter brings you your order, tell him the steak is not cooked correctly. Order secret service, if you have them available to you, to shoot and kill the waiter. Get another waiter to take your order. Remind him to bring your steak as you ordered it or else. Repeat for as long as it takes to get your steak as you ordered it or until restaurant runs out of waiters.
6.) Sean Spicer Tantrum Topped Pizza. Order a pizza to be delivered to you while you’re giving a speech and/or press conference in front of millions of people. When the pizza comes, shout that you didn’t order anchovies regardless of whether or not there are anchovies on the pizza. Jump up and down and cry until the delivery person apologizes and says you can have the pizza for free if you’ll just shut up. Take out a slice and eat it. (Side note: Under no circumstance should you share the pizza with your audience. It’s YOUR pizza, goddamnit. Let the audience order their own if they want some.)
7.) Impotent President Pudding. Make a pot of rice pudding. Write a bill to repeal and replace another, very popular, bill. Try to get Congress to agree to pass the bill and fail miserably. Blame everyone but yourself for your failure in this matter. Eat pudding; then go golfing like the whole thing never happened.
8.) Russia Is The New American Apple Pie. Place an apple pie in the oven. Write and say wonderful things about Russian President Vladimir Putin. Repeatedly deny you have any connection to Russia whatsoever. Remove pie from oven. Let cool. Eat pie while humming the Russian national anthem and saluting the Russian flag. You’ve now made America great again.
9.) Putin’s Bigly Wiener Burger. While having sex with Vladimir Putin, take a mold of his wiener with some casting gel. Let gel “harden”. Place raw hamburger meat into mold. Cook in oven at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Remove meat and place on bun. Add condiments and savor it’s juicy goodness bigly.
10.) Donny’s ‘Lil Handed Meatloaf. Make a meatloaf. Cut it into bite-size bits the size of your tiny hands (about 3mm). Toss the bits into the air and try to catch them in your mouth. Bark like a puppy every time you catch one. Repeat until Melania comes to take you out for your evening walk.