I was riding shotgun with Stephen Hawking the other day when he mentioned to me that his was a shotgun marriage. “Had it not been for that gun in my face, way back when, I’d never have been anything but a player for my entire life.” Well, I just about fell off the side of Hawking’s chair when he said this. Never could I have imagined such a reputable scientist being forced to marry a women via the shotgun method. So I decided to do a bit of made-up research to see just who else in history celebrated their nuptials via the same matrimonial process. Below I present my stunning, yet entirely true, findings. I suggest you get a stiff drink and sit down before reading it, however. The very foundation of your world is about to change.
Shocking Historical Shotgun Marriages And Their Participants: Volume One
1.) Pope Penile the Pontificator: Pope Penile was the 17th century’s equivalent of me: A guy with a huge mouth, very little knowledge about anything important, and a lot of time on his hands. He was also, like me, raised Catholic. Apparently, he got some Italian Lord’s daughter pregnant and the guy forced him to resign the Papacy and marry his pregnant daughter by placing a loaded musket up his anus until he did. Ouch! Once the wedding was over and the musket removed, however, Pope Penile’s replacement, Pope Vaginal the Viscous, had the Lord burned alive as a heretic and made his still pregnant daughter clean up the remains. Those Catholics know how to get even, eh?
2.) Albert Einstein: W=1 gun squared. That’s the formula by which the guy who figured out that time itself is relative throughout the universe and not a constant got married. Al promised his childhood sweet heart, Betsy Hamburgbun, he’d marry her but then reneged on the deal when he fell in love with the cook from his college cafeteria, Anne Heimensteinstopinkissmeburg. Betsy’s father duct-taped two handguns together when he heard this and placed them up Al’s nose until he fulfilled his marriage promise to Betsy. They remained happily married after that for about six or seven years. Then Betsy became a Scientologist and Al divorced her with her father’s blessing.
3.) Winston Churchill: Winston married his first wife, Jill Templehill, only after her father placed a sawed off shotgun against Winston’s temple and threatened to blow his brains out if he didn’t. It is very unclear as to why Winston’s marriage had to be conducted this way, as Jill was a strikingly beautiful woman, and not pregnant when the two were married. Strange, eh? But absolutely true. Absolutely.
End Volume One