Tag Archives: the Old Testament

11.22.14
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Moses Hires Amish To Build New Ark Of The Covenant

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

Moses With Blue Prints For New Ark

In thrilling news today Moses, the man to whom God gave the Ten Commandments, announced he has begun construction on a new Ark of the Covenant and has hired the Amish to help him do it. “I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now,” said Moses. “I can not tell you how pissed off I was when I heard the first Ark had gotten lost back in the day. I mean that thing wasn’t a toy. You could literally knock down a mountain with this fiery shit that blasted out of it. And God help you if you ever opened it: Burnt to ashes you were! I don’t know what happened to it, but I looked and I couldn’t find it. And you can believe me, if I couldn’t find it, it ain’t ever gonna be found.

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

Amish Building New Ark Of The Covenant

A few days ago, I was rummaging through my sock drawer and found the original notes I made as God was dictating the Commandments to me. There actually were 14 at first but I convinced Him ten was a more reasonable number if He expected people to remember them. I hired these Amish fellas I know to help me rebuild the Ark so I can keep these notes in it, as my sock drawer isn’t really appropriate. These guys can whip up a barn in like a day, so we should have the new Ark finished before Christmas.”

06.12.14
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Moses Closes Red Sea On Three Shepards After Parting It For Second Time

Now for a re-post of an ACP classic.

” It was an accident!,” Moses said today, in response to allegations that he reopened the Red Sea for a second time only to then close it while three inebriated shepherds were walking through it. “For Christ’s sake already! I’m only human! I only opened the damn thing again because St. Augustine bet me a case of “Bud Light” I wouldn’t be able to do it. He said I’ve become too soft and senile in my old age to do any serious Bible-sized miracles again, so he made the bet with me. I really didn’t expect anyone to be dumb enough to try to walk through it after I opened it, so after I made St. Augustine give me my beer, I simply closed it again. Excuse me if I didn’t think to look for three drunken shepherds first before I did. Knuckleheads! What did they say to each other when they saw two massive walls of water where one huge body of water had just been, ‘Oh look, the fucking Red Sea just miraculously parted itself for us. There’s no need to waste money on a boat now! How convenient. Let’s just fuckin’ take a walk through it!’ Total chowder head activity folks. You’ll have to excuse me for not feeling too sorry. I’ve got me a case of beer to drink and some college football to watch.” Moses had no further comment but shouted out as he walked away,” Go Buckeyes!”

Red Sea Closing On Three Very Surprised Shepherds

Red Sea Closing On Three Very Surprised Shepherds

05.25.14
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Hilarious Bible Qoutes You’ve Never Read

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

We all know and love the Bible for its light take on reality and its pompous, male-centric nonsense, but few know of the sublime hilarity hidden within its pages. Why? Because the Bible, like the pyramids of Egypt, was cryptically created by aliens whom only a very few geniuses have ever completely understood. Well, lucky for you, I’m one of them. Thus, I’ve been able to decrypt a few of the more hilarious Bible verses for you, and I’ve written them below for your entertainment.

1.) This first quote comes from Paul’s letters to the Hungarians. It reads as follows: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya better zip. Ya better zip what? Ya better zip yer fly after ya pee or yer dinky will get cold.”

2.) This one is from Galatians. It reads as follows: “Hey Henry!” “Yes.” “What the fuck is a Galatian, exactly?” “What kind of idiot are you? He’s the arch nemesis of The Fantastic Four and the creator of The Silver Surfer. God, you’re a dork!” “Sorry, dude. Guess we all can’t be as smart as you.”

3.) This one comes from Genesis: “And then Bones said unto Kirk:’It took God 7 days to make the universe. But she does it in 7 minutes!’ ”

4.) This gem comes to you from The Gospel of Luke: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!” “No, Luke! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!!!”

5.) Finally, for today, I bring you this beautiful quote from the Book of Revelation: “A revelation? You want a revelation, Alice? I’ll give you a revelation! Bang! Zoom! You’re gonna be on the MOON in minute, Alice! How’s that for a revelation?”