Happy Unmemorial Day

Here in the States we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday of May each year in honor of those who have died in their service to our country. It is a good holiday and held for good reason. However, I feel there is also a holiday needed which helps us forget things we’d rather not remember. Thus, I’m declaring the Tuesday after every Memorial Day be hailed Unmemorial Day: a day for purging our memories of some of the stupider shit we’ve done in our lives through the subtle art of binge drinking.

May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget The Stupid Shit You've Done This Unmemorial Day

Happy Unmemorial Day: May The Molecules Of Alcohol Help You Forget Stupid Shit You’ve Done

Here’s a list of some dumb, stupid shit I’ve done that I’d love to erase from my memory this upcoming Unmemorial Day.

1.) When I was 12, I resurrected the dead in a neighborhood cemetery. Needless to say, this wreaked havoc on the neighborhood. A nuclear bomb had to be dropped to remedy the situation. Boy, was my mom PISSED! I’d really like to forget it ever happened.

My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead

My Mom Got Pissed When I Raised The Dead

2.) Jesus visited me once and wanted to take me shopping for some new clothes but me, being the a-theist bastard I am, told him to go fuck himself. I’d love to forget that incident. It really makes me feel bad because I desperately needed new clothes at the time.

It's Jesus. I'm Here To Take You Clothes Shopping

It’s Jesus. I’m Here To Take You Clothes Shopping

3.) I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.

I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants

I Want To Forget Killing These Poor Fire Ants

4.) I sold my Iron Man suit on eBay last year to a 13-year-old because I got too fat to wear it. However, it still had a full charge in it, and the kid blew up half of Valparaiso, Indiana with it. I got my ass sued off because, apparently, it’s illegal to sell dangerous armor suits to kids. Go figure, eh? Anyway, I really want to forget that whole incident because, needless to say, it was very embarrassing.

For Use Only By Those Over 18

For Use Only By Those Over 18

Well, that’s it for now. Come back next year to learn about more stupid shit I’ve done that I want to erase from my mind via binge drinking. Until then, I hope you all have a happy and blessed Unmemorial Day tomorrow. Imperious Rex!

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12 thoughts on “Happy Unmemorial Day

  1. Some days I could do with an “unmemorial day” myself. But I need to remember all this crap, in case I inadvertently repeat it!

  2. Could it be that some or perhaps all of the stupid shit you did happened on unmemorial day, as you were binge drinking? I know correlation doesn’t imply causation, but still…

  3. “I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.”

    Shame on you!
    You know how I love ants and used to build custom ant farms.
    (Well, maybe you don’t know that about me…)

    “A Queendom! A Queendom! My Horse For A Queendom!

    http://wp.me/p2Yfgl-2J

    Cheers Mate!

  4. Happy Unmemorial Day to you, too.

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