Recipes From The Atheist Cookbook

I’ve written a cookbook for atheists because I decided we godless, cannibal bastards needed one. To help promote it, I’ve decided to share a few recipes from it. Try ’em. They are guaranteed DELICIOUS!

1.) Christian Infant Tartare: Just catch yourself one fresh Christian infant; flay it; soak it overnight in olive oil and garlic; carve off a nice chunk of arm or breast meat; chop into fine bits; salt lightly, and wa la! Christian infant tartare is yours to enjoy! Oh. One thing: Make sure you cut off all the skin BEFORE you salt the meat. For some reason, salt makes the skin bubble, and, if that happens, you may lose your appetite and toss out a meal you’d surely otherwise have enjoyed.

Evangelical Christian Baby Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The  Baby Fat

Christian Infant Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The Skin Before Salting

2.) Muslim Meatballs: Catch and chop up a Muslim or two; cut off a chunk or two of thigh; grind into a fine meat paste; add garlic, salt, parsley powder, a touch of oregano, and round into balls; cook in olive oil at 350 degrees for an hour; toss into your favorite pasta sauce and boil for another hour, and your meatballs are ready to serve. I’ve found that Al Qaeda meat tastes best, though I’m not sure why.

Muslim Meatballs. 2nd From Bottom Was An Al Qaeda Member

Muslim Meatballs. Second From The Bottom Is From An Al Qaeda Member

3.) Mormon Jello: This one’s easy. Catch a Mormon and slice him into thin pieces of meat; fry them in a pan with, you guessed it, garlic and olive oil; mix up a batch of clear Jello; place the cooked meat into the Jello mix; stir; refrigerate til set, and serve.

Jewish Jello:

The Red Mormon Meat Shows Nicely Through The Clear Jello

4.) Lutheran Frosted Lemon Cake: You’ll need the skin from a Lutheran or two for this. Catch the Lutherans; flay them; mash the skin into a syrupy paste after first washing it clean of blood; add sugar, and refrigerate over night; bake your favorite lemon cake; frost with the Lutheran skin paste and serve. FYI, this is a great dessert to serve after a hearty meal of Christian baby tartare. Yummy.

 Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

5.) Catholic Priest Pedophile Rapist Stew: This is my favorite dish as savoring the flesh of pedophile rapist Catholic priests never fails to lift my spirits high. Get a hold of a pedophile rapist Catholic priest, preferably one who’s been at it awhile and recently caught; slowly flay him alive; very slowly boil his still alert carcass in a vat of olive oil mixed with salt, vinegar, and garlic. The breast meat will fall off in chunks when fully boiled. Cut it into bite size pieces; stir into a pot of vegetable stew; simmer for 45 minutes and serve. Lip smacking good stuff!

A Catholic Priest Pedophile I Ate Last Night

I Finely Chopped This Pedophile Rapist Into A Stew Last Night

Bon appetit, my fellow godless, morally deprived, evil, atheist cannibals!

 

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I’m Going To Eat Alex Jones On Valentines Day

As some of you may already know, I am an a-theist cannibal who is driven by evil and sick impulses which I simply let run wild due to the fact I do not believe in Jesus. There is no better way to enjoy my a-theistic depravity than by consuming the flesh of Christian whack-jobs like Ken Ham and others like him who’ve deliberately and proudly chosen to be stupid, arrogant idiots. I’m saving Ken Ham to consume for my Easter dinner, as ham is more of a traditional Easter meal.

My Valentines Day Meal, Alex Jones

My Valentines Day Meal, Alex Jones

In the mean time, however, I’ve decided to eat conspiracy whack-job and jackass extraordinaire, Alex Jones, this coming Valentines Day. He REALLY annoys the shit out of me. Therefor, I’m going to boil him slowly alive in cooking oil for 8 hours, after first removing his tongue, Achilles tendons, and eye lids. I’m removing his tongue so I won’t have to listen to him scream while he boils, and I don’t want him running away, so I’m removing his Achilles tendons. His eyelids I’m removing because I want him watching every step of the cooking process I’ll be using on him right up to the moment he finally dies, which usually happens in or around hour six of the boiling process. Nothing conspiratorial here, just good ‘ole fashion cannibal cookin’ and flesh eatin’. Yummy, yum, yum, yum!

Man-Size Pot Of Boiling Oil

Man-Size Pot Of Boiling Oil

For those of you who may not know who Jones is, he runs a website called, “Alex Jones Infowars,” and has a YouTube channel devoted to his unimaginative and intellectually insulting conspiracy theories. He believes “evil” dark forces within the U.S. Government are responsible for 9/11 and, even more insultingly ignorant, The Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting which happened just over a year ago. Here’s a brief YouTube video with my future Valentines Day meal conspiring away on Sandy Hook and a few other similar tragic shootings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1XdTHuidmXE.  This guy is a douche bag wrapped inside a shit-filled diaper. There is a price for deliberately choosing to be a stupid, moronic idiot and loudly sharing this information with the world. And that price is me.

Mr. Jones, the only conspiracy going on is the one YOU are part of. You, sir, are part of a conspiratorial group of ignorant, uneducated, proudly stupid, lazy idiots, who’ve invaded my country with the intent of spreading your mindless, painfully annoying, hypotheses to others like an outbreak of bubonic plague. I’m going to eat you, Alex Jones, like I eat all those who I find offensive to humanity’s betterment. I’m going to boil you, slowly alive in oil, and then eat you. And what of you I don’t eat, I’ll feed to my dog.

My Dog Loves "People" Food

My Dog Loves “People” Food Too

I can do this because, as a Christ-less a-theist, I’ve no decent morals. I act on all the sick impulses I have churning deep within my godless being without guilt or shame of any kind. I love cannibalizing people like you, Alex Jones, at least on this blog, I do. So I’ll see you soon, Alex Jones, because I’m very, very hungry, and I MUST eat someone soon or I’ll simply go MAD!

Boxing Day Update On Last Night’s Dinner

Christian Infant Stew

Christian Infant Stew

Happy Boxing Day all. Just wanted to give a brief run down of yesterday’s dinner, as my menu was the cause of some griping last week. I did not wind up eating Ken Ham, who I’m saving to eat for Easter when Ham is more appropriate to the menu, and I did not eat PZ Myers, as he is covered in troll hair, which is impossible to get out of your teeth once stuck in them. And there’s no way I could have gotten all the hair off that troll before I cooked him, so I decided to just go ahead with my traditional, Christmas dinner, Christian Infant Stew. I out did myself on it this year as it was simply heavenly. So, that’s that. I think for New Years Eve, I’ll make Evangelical Meat Dumplings. They always go over well. See you all real soon. Til then, stay without morals, give in to your darkest instincts, and eat all the human meat you want because you’re an a-theist, and you’re evil! Amen