Happy Zombie Day to all of the 650 million readers of this blog. Your patronage is much appreciated. Now, go eat a chocolate egg and watch a George Romero movie. I’m going to.
Tonight on Pontificator TV we bring you a unique re-imaging of the Neil Simon classic, The Odd Couple staring Pope Francis as Felix and Mr. T as Oscar. Enjoy the hilarity as two men, who could not be more different, find themselves trapped together in a Manhattan studio apartment during a zombie apocalypse. Leave their apartment and they risk being eaten alive by the living dead. Stay in their apartment and they risk driving each other insane with their petty quirks and personality glitches. How do they survive? Watch tonight and laugh your ass off as you find out.
Here in the States we celebrate Memorial Day on the last Monday of May each year in honor of those who have died in their service to our country. It is a good holiday and held for good reason. However, I feel there is also a holiday needed which helps us forget things we’d rather not remember. Thus, I’m declaring the Tuesday after every Memorial Day be hailed Unmemorial Day: a day for purging our memories of some of the stupider shit we’ve done in our lives through the subtle art of binge drinking.
Here’s a list of some dumb, stupid shit I’ve done that I’d love to erase from my memory this upcoming Unmemorial Day.
1.) When I was 12, I resurrected the dead in a neighborhood cemetery. Needless to say, this wreaked havoc on the neighborhood. A nuclear bomb had to be dropped to remedy the situation. Boy, was my mom PISSED! I’d really like to forget it ever happened.
2.) Jesus visited me once and wanted to take me shopping for some new clothes but me, being the a-theist bastard I am, told him to go fuck himself. I’d love to forget that incident. It really makes me feel bad because I desperately needed new clothes at the time.
3.) I put a ton of fire ants in a pinata at a 10-year-old nephew’s birthday once but by the time the kids knocked it open, the ants had all died from suffocation. I feel guilty about killing all those innocent fire ants and would like it wiped from my mind.
4.) I sold my Iron Man suit on eBay last year to a 13-year-old because I got too fat to wear it. However, it still had a full charge in it, and the kid blew up half of Valparaiso, Indiana with it. I got my ass sued off because, apparently, it’s illegal to sell dangerous armor suits to kids. Go figure, eh? Anyway, I really want to forget that whole incident because, needless to say, it was very embarrassing.
Well, that’s it for now. Come back next year to learn about more stupid shit I’ve done that I want to erase from my mind via binge drinking. Until then, I hope you all have a happy and blessed Unmemorial Day tomorrow. Imperious Rex!