Ban The Christians, Too


Once more, I find myself in deep agreement with perhaps the most brilliant mind of our time, Donald Trump.  Trump wishes to place a ban on all Muslim immigration into the U.S. in order to “keep America safe from terror.”  Well, I gotta admit, a better, more soundly thought out idea I’ve never heard.  There are, however, two things that I think would make this brilliant idea even more brilliant.

1.) Let’s kick all Muslims who are currently in the U.S. out of it, and I mean all of them, regardless of whether or not they’re U.S. citizens.  It’s the only real way we can know we’re safe from Islamic terror on our home soil.   Anyone following a Holy Book and a god that preaches violence, hatred, revenge, and misogyny can not be trusted to be in America.  How could any reasonable American disagree with this?  They couldn’t.  This, then, leads me to my second brilliance-increasing idea.

2.)  Let’s kick out every Christian who currently resides in the U.S. and ban them from ever re-entering the country.  Like Muslims, we simply can not trust Christians.  They have a Holy Book filled with vile and disgusting commands from, essentially, the same god the Muslims follow.   Christians have shown time and time again that their religion is a breeding ground for bigotry, pedophilia, murder, rape, revenge, and pure, unadulterated hatred.  I certainly don’t feel safe around them.  Do you?  Of course you don’t.   So, join with Donald Trump, and other highly intelligent Americans, in demanding Congress pass a law making the physical removal of all Christians and Muslims from the U.S. our number one priority.   Only then will we be safe.  Only then will we be able to say, finally, “We’ve won the war on terror!  God bless America!  And God bless freedom!”

“Torturing People Is The Bomb,” Says Dick Cheney

Cloud City, Bespin.  In frank and honest news this morning, former U.S. Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney announced that he personally tortured dozens of Muslims held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba because it was fun.

Dick Cheney Illustrates Torture By Two-Fingered Choking

Dick Cheney Illustrates Torture By Two-Fingered Choking

“Your goddamn right it was fun,” Cheney said today. “I got a stiffy every time I made another human being scream in pain and beg me for mercy. And why shouldn’t I have, goddamnit! Do you not remember 9/11? Americans were attacked that day. We hurt. We bled. We lost loved ones and cried. Well, what’s wrong with us getting revenge by torturing the living shit outta some of those who may or may not have known someone who may or may not have been somehow, perhaps, involved in the 9/11 attacks? They were fuckin’ Muslims for Christ’s sake! Who the fuck cares if we tortured ’em? Certainly not the CIA agents who also got stiffies from making other humans scream and beg for mercy. Fuck, they loved doing it as much as I did. Man, you haven’t lived until you’ve stuck a tube up some dark-skinned Muslim’s ass to “feed” him. Ha, ha, ha! Oh, man, if I shut my eyes, I can hear the screaming as if it were happening right now. Funny as fuck, I tell ya. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I crack myself up.

Republicans Waterboard A Democrat

Republicans Waterboard A Democrat

If you promise not to tell anyone, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I love torturing people so much, I’ve been helping a few conservative Republicans I know torture liberal, pansy-ass Democrats for years now. It isn’t exactly legal, not yet anyway, but it soon will be. You see, my home boys have total control of the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court, and in 2016, we’ll have control of the White House, too. I can guaran-fuckin’-tee you of that. Cause the liberals are too weak to stop us, and even if they weren’t, we’d just keep torturing ’em until they were. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Christ Almighty, do I ever crack my shit up!”

Recipes From The Atheist Cookbook

I’ve written a cookbook for atheists because I decided we godless, cannibal bastards needed one. To help promote it, I’ve decided to share a few recipes from it. Try ’em. They are guaranteed DELICIOUS!

1.) Christian Infant Tartare: Just catch yourself one fresh Christian infant; flay it; soak it overnight in olive oil and garlic; carve off a nice chunk of arm or breast meat; chop into fine bits; salt lightly, and wa la! Christian infant tartare is yours to enjoy! Oh. One thing: Make sure you cut off all the skin BEFORE you salt the meat. For some reason, salt makes the skin bubble, and, if that happens, you may lose your appetite and toss out a meal you’d surely otherwise have enjoyed.

Evangelical Christian Baby Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The  Baby Fat

Christian Infant Tartare. Remember: Trim Away ALL The Skin Before Salting

2.) Muslim Meatballs: Catch and chop up a Muslim or two; cut off a chunk or two of thigh; grind into a fine meat paste; add garlic, salt, parsley powder, a touch of oregano, and round into balls; cook in olive oil at 350 degrees for an hour; toss into your favorite pasta sauce and boil for another hour, and your meatballs are ready to serve. I’ve found that Al Qaeda meat tastes best, though I’m not sure why.

Muslim Meatballs. 2nd From Bottom Was An Al Qaeda Member

Muslim Meatballs. Second From The Bottom Is From An Al Qaeda Member

3.) Mormon Jello: This one’s easy. Catch a Mormon and slice him into thin pieces of meat; fry them in a pan with, you guessed it, garlic and olive oil; mix up a batch of clear Jello; place the cooked meat into the Jello mix; stir; refrigerate til set, and serve.

Jewish Jello:

The Red Mormon Meat Shows Nicely Through The Clear Jello

4.) Lutheran Frosted Lemon Cake: You’ll need the skin from a Lutheran or two for this. Catch the Lutherans; flay them; mash the skin into a syrupy paste after first washing it clean of blood; add sugar, and refrigerate over night; bake your favorite lemon cake; frost with the Lutheran skin paste and serve. FYI, this is a great dessert to serve after a hearty meal of Christian baby tartare. Yummy.

 Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

Lemon Cake With Frosting Made From The Skin Of Lutherans

5.) Catholic Priest Pedophile Rapist Stew: This is my favorite dish as savoring the flesh of pedophile rapist Catholic priests never fails to lift my spirits high. Get a hold of a pedophile rapist Catholic priest, preferably one who’s been at it awhile and recently caught; slowly flay him alive; very slowly boil his still alert carcass in a vat of olive oil mixed with salt, vinegar, and garlic. The breast meat will fall off in chunks when fully boiled. Cut it into bite size pieces; stir into a pot of vegetable stew; simmer for 45 minutes and serve. Lip smacking good stuff!

A Catholic Priest Pedophile I Ate Last Night

I Finely Chopped This Pedophile Rapist Into A Stew Last Night

Bon appetit, my fellow godless, morally deprived, evil, atheist cannibals!