Apocalypse To Include Only Christians, Says God



God today released a rather unexpected message regarding the Apocalypse. “Dear humans, I have some bad news and some good news for you. I’ll start with the bad: the Apocalypse is coming, and soon. Now for the good news: it will only affect Christians. Yep. You heard me right. The Apocalypse will be here in just a few days but will only affect Christians. I’m gonna vaporize the little whining bitches and blast their atoms across the cosmos. The rest of you won’t be affected at all, except for the fact you will no longer have to listen to homophobic, end of days bullshit from Christians. I, myself, just can’t stand to hear it anymore. I don’t know how the rest of humanity deals with these self-aggrandizing idjits who point their fingers at others condemning them in my name for things I don’t give a shit about. Who are they to even remotely think they’ve a right to speak for me? Assholes! And another thing that just grinds my panties into a ball is that SO many of them completely refuse to use the brain they’ve been given. They continually deny scientific realities like evolution and geology by saying the universe is only 6000 years old and man and modern apes did not evolve over millions of years from a common ancestor. IDIOTS!

The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!

The Christians Are In BIG Trouble With God!

Therefor, since they talk of an Apocalypse so much, I’ve decided to give them one, but ONLY them. I’m vaporizing them into non-existence. They aren’t going to Hell. They aren’t going to Purgatory, and they aren’t going to Heaven. They’re getting blasted into the nothingness from whence all things came, including me. Yes, this is bad news for Christians, but, for the rest of you normal humans, I’ve a feeling you’ll be quite pleased by my decision. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Leonard Nimoy and I are having dinner to discuss my ideas for a new Star Trek film about Spock’s adventures in the afterlife. Goodbye.”

RIP Leonard Nimoy


Leonard Nimoy passed away today. As a fan of Star Trek for over forty years, I’m deeply saddened to hear this news. Rest in peace, Mr. Nimoy, and thank you for all the enjoyment you’ve brought to my life with your wonderful portrayal of Mr. Spock over the decades.

Star Trek: The Christian Generation

Coming this Christmas to a movie theater near you: Star Trek: The Christian Generation, an Arm Chair Pontificator Production.

Directed by Martin Scorsesemartin-scorsese-1-sized


Pope Francis as Captain Huggie Cuddles: A very human captain trying to keep a crew with various cultural and ethical differences from killing each other before their mission is complete. popefrancis1


Sam Harris as First Officer, Commander Tu’Smart: A Vulcan who has a great respect for science but very little respect for illogical thinking and the religious right.Sam_Harris_01


Mr. T as Security Chief, Piti’da’Ful: A Klingon with a bad temper and long time boyfriend to Ship’s Counselor, Lt. Annie Tight. mr t


Miley Cyrus as Ship’s Counselor, Lt. Annie Tight: A sexy transgendered Human babe and long time lover of Security Chief, Piti’da’Ful1368111007_miley-cyrus-lg


Ken Ham as Science Officer, Duddly Dullman: A Human whose wits are not always about him and whose conclusions are rarely backed by logic, reason or science.ham-ken.aurora_standalone.prod_affiliate.79


Ship’s Mission: To check on the status of gay marriage and the ease of access to loaded hand guns throughout the galaxy while forcing the word of Jesus onto all those encountered.

Main Antagonists: Liberals from the Liberal quadrant of the galaxy: A group of free thinking radicals who oppose the forcing of any ideology or clothing onto anyone not wanting them.

Liberals In The Clothing Optional Liberal Quadrant

Liberals In The Clothing Optional Liberal Quadrant

Tickets available now. Get yours early before they’re sold out. Hope to see you at the theater this Christmas.

Klingon Empire Declares War On Roman Catholic Church

Klingon Warriors Out For Revenge

Klingon Warriors Out For Revenge

In a statement received today from the Klingon home world of Qo’noS, the Klingon Empire has declared war on the Roman Catholic Church for allegedly placing known pedophile priests in Klingon parishes without revealing the rape-laden pasts of these men beforehand. The statement further went on to explain that over the past several decades more and more Klingon men have been coming forth saying they’d been abused as children by their parish priests and were suffering in their quest to be really bad-ass mother fuckin’ warriors because of it. The Klingon Empire has determined that the Roman Catholic Church knowingly and secretly placed pedophile boy-rapists on Qo’noS in order to protect them from facing criminal charges on Earth for their horrific acts. It holds The Roman Catholic Church, and its leaders, fully accountable for these acts. Thus, all property of the Church will be disintegrated by laser-fire from Klingon Birds of Prey in orbit above the Earth. As well, all Catholic Cardinals and the Pope will be taken to Qo’noS and executed by the Ka’naaR, a Klingon form of crucifixion which allows the condemned to remain alive for up to a week before dying on the cross. The statement concluded with an old Klingon proverb: Klingons never forgive those who harm them. They kill them. Very slowly.

Hilarious Bible Qoutes You’ve Never Read

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

Hilarity & The Bible Go Together Like Farts And 5th Grade Boys

We all know and love the Bible for its light take on reality and its pompous, male-centric nonsense, but few know of the sublime hilarity hidden within its pages. Why? Because the Bible, like the pyramids of Egypt, was cryptically created by aliens whom only a very few geniuses have ever completely understood. Well, lucky for you, I’m one of them. Thus, I’ve been able to decrypt a few of the more hilarious Bible verses for you, and I’ve written them below for your entertainment.

1.) This first quote comes from Paul’s letters to the Hungarians. It reads as follows: “Knock knock. Who’s there? Ya better zip. Ya better zip what? Ya better zip yer fly after ya pee or yer dinky will get cold.”

2.) This one is from Galatians. It reads as follows: “Hey Henry!” “Yes.” “What the fuck is a Galatian, exactly?” “What kind of idiot are you? He’s the arch nemesis of The Fantastic Four and the creator of The Silver Surfer. God, you’re a dork!” “Sorry, dude. Guess we all can’t be as smart as you.”

3.) This one comes from Genesis: “And then Bones said unto Kirk:’It took God 7 days to make the universe. But she does it in 7 minutes!’ ”

4.) This gem comes to you from The Gospel of Luke: “Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.” “He told me enough! He told me you killed him!” “No, Luke! I am your father!” “NOOOOOO!!!”

5.) Finally, for today, I bring you this beautiful quote from the Book of Revelation: “A revelation? You want a revelation, Alice? I’ll give you a revelation! Bang! Zoom! You’re gonna be on the MOON in minute, Alice! How’s that for a revelation?”