The Wives Of Jedi Master Yoda

Everyone knows the lovable Jedi Master, Yoda, but few know of the many wives he’s had in his life.   Here’s a list of them and Yoda’s comments about them.

“Married four times, I’ve been. Exhausted it has made me,” Yoda says.

 

Yoda’s First Wife and Sister To Evil Emperor Palpatine, Margaret Thatcher. “Too self-centered, she was,” Yoda says of her. “Used my toothbrush, she did.  Apologize, she would not. So divorce, I did.”

 

Yoda’s Second Wife, Dianne Feinstein. “Smoked like a chimney, she did. Whole house she stunk up!” Says Yoda. “So papers I served her, and out she went!”

 

Yoda’s Third Wife, Nancy Pelosi. “Dogs she loved,” Yoda says of her, “but allergic I am. The dogs or me, I said, and the dogs she kept.”

 

Yoda’s Current Wife And Dark Lord Of The Sith, Ann Coulter. “Powerful, she is,” Yoda says of her. “Afraid of her, I am. Marry her I should have not, but prisoner I now am. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

 

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Adventures With Yoda

Pulled over, I was.  Speeding, I was.  Told me this, the police did.  Angry this made me.  In a hurry, I was.  Waiting for me, my date was.  Jedi mind trick I used.  Let me off with simply a warning, the policeman did.  On time, I was, for my date.  Sometimes, good to be a Jedi, it is.

Pulled over, I was.  Speeding, I was.  Told me this, the policeman did.  Upset this made me.  In a hurry I was.  Waiting for me, my date was.  Jedi mind trick I used.  Let me off with a warning, the policeman did.  On time for my date, I was.  Sometimes, good to be a Jedi it is.

Quotes Famous People Never Said

Gasland, Oklahoma.  Fabrication specialist, Lori L. Abia stopped by TACP offices today with some awesome quotes from some famous people that they never said. We present them for your reading pleasure below.

1.) Yoda: Well done this burger is! Order it this way, I did not. Another make me, or leave I will, and pay, I will not.

Happy With My Burger, I Am Not

Like His Burger, He Did Not

2.) Einstein: So then I says to ‘er, “Listen baby, time is NOT relative when you’re going on a date. If I say I’m pickin’ you up at 7, I mean be ready at 7, not 7:45.” Bitch had my ass sittin’ in the car waitin’ on ‘er for 45 minutes; then she pulls this “time is relative shit” with me. This homeboy don’t play like that! Last time she’ll ever be seenin’ my wrinkled old white ass! And there ain’t nuttin’ relative ’bout that!

 Dating Was Serious Business To Albert Einstein

Dating Was Serious Business To Albert Einstein

3.) John Wayne: Stay away from acting as a living, kid. All that horseback ridin’ I did in my movies gave me hemorrhoids the size of golf balls.

Acting For A Living Was A Pain In The Ass For John Wayne

Acting For A Living Was A Pain In John Wayne’s Ass

4.) Lassie: Woof! Woof! Grrrr! Pant, pant, pant. Woof! Meow!

Meow?

Meow?

5.) Batman: Robin! Did you rub Ben Gay into the codpiece of my costume again? This is NOT funny! Grow up, or find another 40-year-old man who wants to run around with a 13-year-old boy dressed in tights fighting crime all night.

Putting Ben Gay In Batman's Codpiece Got Robin In Trouble

Ben Gay In Batman’s Codpiece Really Burns Him Up

Yoda & Ken Ham Discuss Marvel’s Guardians Of The Galaxy

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity Is A Religion

The Creation Museum: Where Insanity & Religion Are One

Yoda dropped by the Creation Museum the other day to discuss Marvel’s “Guardians of the Galaxy” with its owner, Ken Ham. Below is a word for word transcript of their conversation. Enjoy.

Ken: Welcome, Yoda. Glad you could come by. However, and I hate to be a party pooper, I must insist you come down off that T-Rex statue. It is a very expensive piece of Museum property, and I really do not want it contaminated by a non-believer like you touching it.

Yoda: Sorry I am. Down I will come. But non-believer, I am not. Powerful I am. For my ally is the Force. Surrounds us it does. Judge us, it does not. Guide you it will. If listen to it, you do.

Ken: BLASPHEMER! ATHEIST DOG! How dare you speak of any force but the Bible? How dare you speak of any power but that of our lord, Jesus Christ! How dare you say you come from a galaxy far, far away when no galaxies exist but this 6000 year old one. And lastly, how dare you stand there munching on a candy bar while I’m teaching you the only dogma of truth there is: mine!

Yoda Is An Atheist & A Demon

Ken Ham Says: Yoda Is An Atheist Dog

Yoda: Angry you are. Great hate I sense in you. Strong you will become in the Dark Side, if down this path you continue. But digress, I do. For a movie it is I’ve come to discuss. “Guardians of the Galaxy” it is, and fun it was to see. Away from reality it took me. Enjoyed it greatly, I did. See it, did you? Like it, did you?

Ken: See it, did I? What kind of atheistic, devil-spawned speech pattern of a spell are you trying to cast on me, my little green friend? A movie you want to discuss with me, eh? A movie about demons and stars and sexual deviancy, that’s what that movie is. It’s an evil film that mocks the one true lord, Jesus Christ, by failing to mention the glory of his ways even once. It is a movie that subliminally advocates homosexual marriage, abortion, and liberal, democratic view points. And these things I know about it from having just seen the previews. I refuse to see such a piece of filth in its entirety. You enjoyed it only because you are a hell-born demon and not a Christian genius of the modern world, like me. THAT is what I think of your movie, demon-spawn!

Yoda: Thumbs Up Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Thumbs Up
Ken Ham: Thumbs Down

Yoda: Crazy, you are. Grounded in reality, you are not. If the Dark Side I practiced, kill you I would. Lucky you are. For my way is the way of the Force. Calm it makes me. Open to reason, I am. This is the way of the Jedi. This is the way of the Force. So leave you, I will. Discuss with you movies, I will not. Sorry, I am, for wasting your time. Go now, I will. Peace I hope you find. May the Force be with you. (Yoda disappears into the Force)

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Crazy, Ken Ham Is

Ken: DEMON!! Devil from Hell! Disappearing in front of me before accepting Jesus as your lord and savior and before donating money to my tax-exempt museum! Heathen! Monster! Little green dude! Goodbye! Do not return. I will not discuss any movie again with anyone unless they share my Creationist beliefs and the movie we discuss is “The Passion of the Christ”. Goodbye from the Creation Museum, and always remember, gays are evil, and Jesus loves everyone. Amen

Letters To The Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Dear Arm Chair Pontificator

Here at TACP Inc, I get letters. Tons of letters. Most of them question my manhood and sanity, but a few are much more insulting and/or creative than that. So, I’ve decided to share a few of the best ones for the enjoyment of the plethora of readers I have world-wide. I’ve also included my response to each of these letters at no cost to anyone, anywhere, ever.

1.) This first letter was written in response a post I published criticizing Scientology. It reads as follows: “Dear Pontificator, You are not as smart as you think! You are a dumb-bell and you smell like rotten cheese. Your parents must truly be ashamed of your dumbness. I bet your teeth are yellow and protrude 7″ from your mouth. No decent woman would look at you, let alone sleep with you, so at least the world is free of your offspring. God have mercy on you, you idiot. May you burn in Hell forever.  Amy Bigbuttski, Loving Catholic and Mother, Warsaw, Poland.”

Response: Well Amy, all I can say to you is this: My teeth never, and I mean NEVER, have stuck out more than 4″ from my mouth at any time in my life. Now who’s the idiot, huh?

Who'd EVER Mock These Guys?

Who’d EVER Mock These Guys?

2.) This second letter was written in response to a post I published on Darth Vader and Yoda and it reads as follows:

“Dear Gay-face: You are gay. Did you know that, gay-rod? Did you? Why don’t you pontificate on just how gay you are, huh? No. Of course not! Cause you LOVE gays, right? They have rights, right? But Darth Vader and Yoda, they’re just fictional characters, so you think you have free-reign to pick on them without hurting anyone. Right, gay-breath? Right? Well I LOVE Darth Vader and Yoda, and your insensitive bashing of them has caused me to suffer from PTSD! Now how funny do you feel, gay-teeth! Huh? PTSD! You gave it to me. Fuck you, and good-bye, gay-hair! Yours forever, Pete Pencilpeepee, Mayor, New York City.”

Response: PTSD. Wow. That’s too bad, Pete. I was about to ask you out on a date. But there’s no way in Hell I’m ever letting another whack-job with PTSD suck my cock. Last one almost bit my dick off. Otherwise, pal, your letter was a real turn on. Thanks.

What Did We Ever Do To You?

What Did We Ever Do To You?

3.) The last letter I’ll share today was written in response to my post on Vladimir Putin and his funny sounding last name. “My dearest friend. I love you. I want you. I need you. You are the man of my dreams. You’re funny, sexy, smart, and surely your penis and tongue are very skilled at pleasing a woman. Just reading your post on Vladimir Putin made me wet. I simply must meet you and be ravished by you, over, and over, and over again. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to masturbate for hours. That’s how HOT writing this letter to you has made me. Please come take me soon, and hard. Yours in Christ, Sister Mary Fannytight, The Convent For 18-19 Year Old Sexy Girls, Vienna, Austria.

Response: I’ll be right there Sister. Just booked my flight. See you soon. TACP.

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!

Sister Mary Fannytight, WOW!

Yoda & Darth Vader Discuss Noah, The Movie

Once again, I’m proud to introduce, all the way from the planet Dagobah,  movie critic extraordinaire and Jedi Master, Yoda with his very special guest, The Dark Lord of the Sith himself, Darth Vader.

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Jedi Master & Movie Critic, Yoda

Yoda: Hello my young Padawans. Jedi Master Yoda, I am. With me today Darth Vader is. Know him you all do I’m sure. The movie Noah he has come to discuss. (He turns to Vader) To Dagobah I thank you for coming, Lord Vader, or call you Anakin, should I?

Vader: THAT is a name that no longer has any meaning for me!

Yoda: Meaning it had when from the Emperor Luke saved you. Lost that meaning have you? Happened something has? The Dark Side I feel growing in you. Calm it you must or consume you it will.

Vader: Master Yoda. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. Not a child. Is it not enough that work is so sparse for the Sith these days, I’ve been reduced to reviewing movies with you just so I can buy batteries for my light sabre? Must you give me lectures on the Force, as well?

Yoda: Frustration I feel in you, Lord Vader. And conflict. This must you release. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. And hate leads to suffering. A Jedi’s mind, calm must it be. Relaxed. Or doomed you will be.  Forever.

Sith Lord Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Sith Lord & Movie Critic, Darth Vader

Vader: OK, Yoda, that’s it. Now it’s my turn to talk. First, I thought you invited me here to discuss Russell Crowe’s new movie, Noah, not to lecture me. Second, I am a Sith Lord, NOT a bloody Jedi. And to hell with what happened in Return of the Jedi. That was just a damn movie. Christ, we both died in that movie, yet here we are now, in the flesh, with you lecturing me almost to the point of madness. So, if you’re finished with the lectures, let’s talk about Noah. That’s why you asked me to come here in first place. Isn’t it?

Yoda: Lied I did.

Vader: What? You? You don’t lie. About what, exactly?

Yoda: Reason to Dagobah for you to come. Lied about it, I did.  Seen Noah, I have not. Discuss it I can not. Will see it now, if with me you will come. Discuss it later we will. Come. Your ticket I will buy, popcorn, too, but go now we must, or late will we be. Previews must I see or ruined the movie will be. Aisle seat, too, must I have, or tense I will become, and leave early I will. Hurry we must. Avoid these things we must. Or sad will I be. Cry I will.

Vader: Alright already. I get the idea. And FYI, I haven’t seen the movie either. I went to the theater last night to see it, but was asked to leave after I Force-choked the ticket sales guy to death for short-changing me. I was going to fake like I’d seen the movie during our discussion of it by nodding my head a lot and agreeing with you on everything. So yes. Let’s go to the show and see it! I’ll even get you diner afterwards. But just ask me outright next time if you want me come by to see a movie. Lying is bad. It’s a path to the Dark Side. An old friend told me that once, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.

Fini

 

 

 

 

Tom Cruise & Yoda Review Son Of God

Another Movie About Jesus. Good Or Bad?

Another Movie About Jesus. Is It Good Or Bad?

TACP is very pleased to have Jedi Master, and movie critic, Yoda joining us today from Dagobah. He’s here to share his opinion with us on the new Biblical film, “Son of God.” And, as an added surprise, Yoda will be joined in his discussion of the film by none other than Scientologist and actor, Tom Cruise.

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Cruise Hid Under This Desk, Waiting For Me

Tom is here because he broke into TACP offices this morning, hid under my desk, waited for me to arrive, then leaped out, dressed as a Ninja, and threatened to kill me when I did. Apparently, he’s angry about a post I wrote which was critical of Scientology. No one’s allowed to do that or they threaten to kill you, it seems. In order to calm him, and have him not kill me, I offered him the opportunity to be Siskel to Yoda’s Ebert and to review the film, with Yoda, when he arrived. Thankfully, for me, he agreed.

Mock Scientology, And You Die

Mock Scientology, And You Die

So, now, without further ado, I’d like to present, Mr. Tom Cruise and Jedi Master, Yoda with a review of the film, “Son Of Man.” I will act as moderator for their discussion.

ACP: Tom. Yoda. Welcome. Please be seated, and tell us your thoughts on the movie. And thank you, Tom, for agreeing to do this and not kill me.

Tom: Ya, whatever. You’re lucky. Just remember that, OK? L U C K Y! Lucky. But, Hey, Yoda! Mr. Force guy! Do you know about me? Who I am? I’m a Scientologist, Yoda. Do you have A CLUE as to what that entails? Does ANYONE! I’m obligated, Yoda. OB LEE GAAATT EEED! to help people in need, no matter where I see them, and no matter WHAT I’m doing! Should I see a person in need, I’m right fuckin’ there! RIGHT FUCKIN’ THERE, MAN!! THAT is Scientology, Yoda! THAT is what I’m talkin’ about! Scientology does not deserve to be picked on by idiots like this Pontificator guy. And dude, I didn’t kill ya, but I’m still gonna beat your ass for picking on MY FUCKIN’ FAITH!!!! Scientologists stick together, man. We stick like FUCKIN’ glue. To each other. THAT is ME, Yoda! THAT is Scientology. GLUE!

I'm Not Fuckin' Crazy, Man!

I’m Not Fuckin’ Crazy, Man!

ACP: Excuse me, Tom? Tom?!

Tom: WHAT!!! WHAT, MAN???? WHAT THE F.. U.. C..K DO YOU WANT, ASSHOLE!!!!!

ACP: I want you to discuss “Son of God” with Yoda. That’s why he’s here.

Tom: Oh, Ya, I almost forgot. I’m sorry Master Yoda. Forgive me. It’s just that when people mess with Scientology, it’s our duty to kill them.

Yoda: Violent this is. A path to suffering, and the Dark Side, it is. Worth that, Scientology is not. Let go of all you have learned to hate, or forever will it dominate your destiny.

ACP: Gentlemen, I’m really not trying to rush anything, but the movie hasn’t once been mentioned by either of you.

Tom: Movie? What fucking movie?! Do I even LOOK like I’m in the mood to watch a fucking MOVIE?!

ACP: “Son of God,” Tom. That movie. The one Yoda came here all the way from Dagobah to discuss. Remember?!

Yoda: Excuse me, you must, Mr. Pontificator. But about this, talk we must.

ACP: What does that mean? “Talk we must?” I’m fucking paying YOU to talk, Master Yoda, not me. I paid for YOU to come here from 8000 light years away so YOU could talk! And who’s talking now, instead of you? ME!!!!

Tom: WOOO! WOOO! WOOO! Calm down there, Kemosabe! It’s a movie were talking about here,right, not the end of the world.

ACP: MOVIE? What movie have YOU been talking about? NO ONE has said a fucking word about a fuckin’ movie, but ME!!!!

Yoda: That’s why important it is to talk. But calm, you must become. Let the Force flow through you. Anger leads to hate. And hate is a path to the Dark Side. To confront that which triggers the Dark Side in him, must a Jedi always be ready to do.

ACP: Oh, for fuck sake! Alright, Master Yoda, what is it you need to talk about?

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Christians. Hate Much, They Do

Yoda: “Son of God,” seen it not, I have. Religious zealots in the theater there were. Afraid, I was. Afraid for my life, I was. Evil are Christians. Angry. Afraid. Unclear of the right path. God matters not. Movies matter not. Jesus matters not. Objects of attachment, they are. To the Dark Side, they lead. To the Sith. It is the Sith I see in Christians. Controlled they are by hate. Powerless they are over it. Blinded they are by its heat. The Force. Around them, it is. Penetrating them. Talking to them, it is. But hear it, they do not. See it, they do not. Clouded their minds are. Clouded, and full of hate. Damned will they be, if from this darkness they do not soon rise.

ACP: Damn, Master Yoda. That was a cool speech. Fuck the movie review. That little speech was much better than any review would have been, even if you had seen the movie. Let’s go get a pizza, wadda ya say? Oh, Tom, just to satisfy my curiosity, before we head out. Did you, by any chance, actually happen to see “Son of God?” You know, the film I asked you to review with Yoda? The one I’ve been yelling about for half an hour now?

Tom: See what now? “Son of God?” Why the fuck would I, as a Scientologist, and an aid to the planet, go to see a Christian piece of shit movie like that? No. I didn’t see it. Happy now?

ACP: That’s what I thought. And yes, I’m happy now. Live and learn, Tom. We live and we learn. Let’s go get some pizza!

THE END