Clooney Twins Arrested After Assaulting Paparazzi

Clooney Twins In L.A. County Lockup

Los Angeles, California.    George and Amal Clooney’s recently born twins were arrested earlier today after a local paparazzi, Jimmy Inurface, claimed they struck him repeatedly on the shins when he tried to photograph them.   “It was a horrifying experience,” Mr. Inurface said earlier.  “I saw the twins exiting a Honda Civic on Hollywood Boulevard late last night, so I calmly approached them to ask if I could take their picture.  In unison, they told me to go f**k myself then plummeted my shins with their tiny hands.  This continued until I took out my phone and dialed 911.   At that point, the twins returned to their vehicle and sped off after giving me the raspberries.

Though they’re only infants, the battering they gave my shins has caused me great physical and emotional pain.   Besides pressing criminal assault charges, I’m going to sue those brats for all they, and their hot-shot parents, are worth.  I mean, what kinda dead beat parents let their newborn twins drive around all night in a Honda Civic anyway?  They deserve to be sued for that alone.”

Things I Shouldn’t Have Done At the Zoo

1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.

2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.

3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.

4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.

5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.

6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.

7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.

8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.

9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.

10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.

GOP To Repeal And Replace 13th Amendment

Samuel L Jackson says, “Repeal and replace WHAT, mother fuckers?!”

Trenton, New Jersey.   Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution.  “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass.   “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue.  We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage.  What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them?  What need has a slave for health insurance?  If one gets sick or dies, so what.  You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.

There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay.  With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want.  And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want.  The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery.  Nothing good has come of it.  The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough.  It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.

Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything.  God bless America, and God bless freedom.”

Ask A Black Hole

Dear Black Hole, lately I’ve been feeling like the whole world sucks. I want to stop feeling like this because many people are telling me it doesn’t suck, at least not all of it. Do you have any advice to help me stop feeling this way?   Thanks, Jenny Jinglebuns, a Catholic Nun

 

Dear Sr. Jinglebuns, thanks for asking me this question. It’s lonely out here in space, and I greatly appreciate any communication I receive from other sentient beings. Unfortunately, I can’t entirely help you with your question. You see, I’m the king of sucking. I suck EVERYTHING around me into me, even light. Why, just the other day, a spacecraft was flying by me, but, before I could even say hello, the entire thing shot past by my event horizon and was sucked into the oblivion that is the core of my being.  All I can really offer you on this matter is this: If I didn’t suck, I wouldn’t exist.  Thus, just because something sucks, it doesn’t mean it’s bad.  Thanks again for writing, and have a grand day.   Yours always, A Black Hole

 

Happy Zombie Day

“Man, that was a LONG 3 days,” says Jesus.

Happy Zombie Day to all of the 650 million readers of this blog.  Your patronage is much appreciated.  Now, go eat a chocolate egg and watch a George Romero movie.  I’m going to.

Others Are The Problem, New Study Finds

Those People Over There Are The Problem!

Acceptance Village, Alabama.   A new study conducted by Professor Iblameyou of the University of Chicago was released today which found that all of the problems in the world today are caused by other people.   “These results are amazing,” said Professor Iblameyou.  “I surveyed over two thousand people from every part of the globe over the past three years and found, every time, that people blame other people for everything wrong with the world and with themselves.  Clearly, these results indicate that the problem of other people is plague-like and simply must be eradicated before life on earth comes to a screeching halt.   I would have released these results sooner, but the assistant I had working with me on the project was rather slow in putting the data I gave her together so I had to delay publishing this report.  Last time I’ll work with her, I tell you that.

My study also found that when groups of other people act together, they’re even more damaging than when they act alone.   Sometimes other people will form into groups, or countries even, that are very different from you and yours.  When this happens, chaos ensues.  These “other” groups start to act as if they’re as good as you and your group.  Name-calling almost always follows.  Fighting follows this, and soon, full-scale wars have erupted.   We must act now to end the problem of others, a.k.a. those people over there.  I’ve started an online group called End All Others Now.  Our purpose is to make all others become just like us for the sake of the planet and all humanity.  You can join the group at othersblow.com for the nominal fee of 50 dollars.  Hope to see you all join – unless, of course, you’re one of them.  If that’s the case, don’t bother because you’re not part of the solution, you’re the problem.”

Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie: A New Dating Service For Atheists

Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie

A new dating service for atheists called Heathens Lookin’ For Hoochie has recently come online.   Here are a few of the questions they ask their subscribers to help them connect people with their ideal mate.

1.) How do you like to eat your infants: A.) Boiled  B.) Fried  C.) Raw ‘n squirmin’ or  D.) Diced and baked on an extra cheese pizza?

2.) When fighting in the war on Christmas each year, what is your preferred weapon:  A.) A .357 Magnum  B.) A flamethrower  C.)  A small nuclear device or  D.) All of the above?

3.) You come upon the house of a Christian and find it has a well in the backyard.  Do you A.)  Poison it with cyanide B.)  Throw the Christian and his family into it and seal it closed  C.)  Pour Ebola into it and laugh as the family suffers and dies from it or  D.)  Fill it with poisonous snakes and giggle when one is brought up in a bucket by the Christian and bites him in the face?

4.) A group of evangelical Christians move in next door to you.  Do you A.)  Begin having all night orgies in your backyard to offend them  B.)  Leave your shades open at night so they can watch you dance naked in the blood of the babies you’ve slaughtered  C.)  Make 3ft penis topiaries out of your front hedges and spend entire weekends outside gently stoking them or D.)  All of the above?

5.)  What’s your idea of a great 1st date  A.)  Reenacting the biblical destruction of Jericho by killing everyone in the town next to you in the name of God  B.)  Finding out where pedophile Catholic priests reside and removing their genitals from their bodies  C.)  Dressing as demons and terrorizing creationists on their way to Sunday services  or  D.)  Any of the above?