The Wives Of Jedi Master Yoda

Everyone knows the lovable Jedi Master, Yoda, but few know of the many wives he’s had in his life.   Here’s a list of them and Yoda’s comments about them.

“Married four times, I’ve been. Exhausted it has made me,” Yoda says.

 

Yoda’s First Wife and Sister To Evil Emperor Palpatine, Margaret Thatcher. “Too self-centered, she was,” Yoda says of her. “Used my toothbrush, she did.  Apologize, she would not. So divorce, I did.”

 

Yoda’s Second Wife, Dianne Feinstein. “Smoked like a chimney, she did. Whole house she stunk up!” Says Yoda. “So papers I served her, and out she went!”

 

Yoda’s Third Wife, Nancy Pelosi. “Dogs she loved,” Yoda says of her, “but allergic I am. The dogs or me, I said, and the dogs she kept.”

 

Yoda’s Current Wife And Dark Lord Of The Sith, Ann Coulter. “Powerful, she is,” Yoda says of her. “Afraid of her, I am. Marry her I should have not, but prisoner I now am. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”

 

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A Christmas Message From Baby Jesus

What’s up, y’all.  Baby Jesus here.  I just popped by my favorite blog, The Arm Chair Ponificator, to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Hope you all do something fun for the holiday that doesn’t involve anything illegal or unsavory.  Remember, my Pops is watching you, and he can be a real d*ck if you piss him off by doing naughty things.
I’m gonna celebrate my birthday by chillin’ in this lovely warm tub of soapy bubbles that smell like lavender.  Love it!  Later, baby Mary Magdalene will be coming over and I’m gonna impress the sh*t outta her by crawling on top of this water without sinking into it.   It’s great to be God!  Have a great holiday, everyone.  See ya’ next year.

Trump To Enact Pilgrim Travel Ban

Pilgrims Like These Will Soon Be Banned From Entering America

Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts.    Donald Trump today announced he is implementing a pilgrim travel ban that will go into effect the day before Thanksgiving.   “Look,” President Trump said earlier, “we all can agree that the original pilgrims who came to America were bad hombres.   Our great nation has not been the same since their arrival.  When rapists and genocidal maniacs are allowed to enter a country, nothing good can come from it.  Thus, I’m enacting a pilgrim travel ban to stop any future pilgrims from entering and polluting our country like the first pilgrims did back in the day.   I’m also calling for a great big wall to be built all around America to detour any pilgrims from trying to illegally enter the country and sell drugs to our children.   Thanksgiving is a day for Americans to celebrate American values and eat turkey.  It is NOT a day to celebrate pilgrims and the anti-American sentiments they represent.   The ban will go into effect on midnight the day before Thanksgiving.   If anyone sees any pilgrims after the ban goes into effect, please notify your local authorities so they can be promptly arrested and sent back to whatever rock it is they crawled out from.  Happy Thanksgiving, and may the all-loving arms of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, keep you and your family safe and free of pilgrims throughout this holiday season.”

A Brief Word From Jesus

Jesus

Hey all, Jesus here.   Every now and then I feel compelled to stop by and point out some of the ridiculous misconceptions people have developed about me over the millennia.   First of all, I’m NOT a Northern, European white dude with blue eyes.  I’m black and I’m proud, folks.  Get it right.  Please.   And WTF’s up with Catholic priests molesting kids and the Church covering for them?  Where in My Own Name did you all get the idea that that’s OK?  STOP IT!!!  Man, that sh*t disgusts me.   Also, what’s with the weird outfits most priests wear?  You folks turn me into a white dude in your representations of me, then dress in black outfits to…what…morn the fact you’ve tried to steal my ethnicity from me?  Cut it out, already.   Just wear some decent leisure clothes and stop raping kids, and you’ll come across just fine.   Is that too hard to do?

Lastly, for now, let me address young earth creationists and others who take the Bible literally.  ARE YOU NUTS?!  It’s 2017 for My Own sake!  Get a f**kin’ education.  Yeah, it’s hard.   Yeah, it takes time and great effort, and yes, you’re going to learn that sometimes your opinions on things are not only wrong but outright ludicrous, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did it.  Your overwhelming sense of self-righteousness in the face of a plethora of evidence showing you just how wrong your bronze-age beliefs are will be replaced with the calm, reassuring knowledge that no, we don’t have all the answers to life’s big questions but we’re good people anyway and lucky to be alive.   It’s easier to live that way.  OK?  Now, bugger off.  It’s Sunday, and I’ve got to decide which American football teams I want to win today.

Ask A Rant

Dear Rant, I greatly need your help.  I started 1st grade about 2 weeks ago, and I made friends right away.  However, a few days ago, my two front teeth fell out causing me to lisp and whistle when I speak.  Several kids are now making fun of me because of this, and I really don’t like it.  They’re hurting my feelings and my mom’s afraid this will cause me great emotional pain for the rest of my life. What should I do to make them stop?  Thanks in advance for your help, Little Suzie Toocute, a 1st grade girl.

 

Dear Little Suzie Toocute,  ARE YOU F**KIN’ KIDDING ME!!???  KIDS ARE PICKING ON YOU AND YOU DON’T LIKE IT???  WHAT THE F**K, KID, GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF AND FIGHT BACK!!!  TELL ANY KID WHO’S PICKING ON YOU THAT THEY’RE SATAN SPAWN AND WILL BURN FOREVER IN HELL IF THEY DON’T LEAVE YOU THE F**K ALONE; THEN STICK YOUR FINGERS DOWN YOUR THROAT AND SPEW GREEN BILE ALL OVER THEM.  CHRIST, WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, TELL ‘EM IF THEY DON’T GIVE YOU THEIR LUNCH MONEY EVERY DAY FROM NOW ON YOU”LL SEND A DEMONIC DOG TO EAT THEIR MOTHERS ALIVE!!!!  POINT IS, DO WHATEVER THE F**K YOU HAVE TO DO TO SCARE THE SH*T OUTTA THE LITTLE PR*CKS SO THEY’LL NEVER BOTHER YOU AGAIN!!!    Hope this helps, A Rant

Trump Claims Solar Eclipse Racist Against Whites

Solar Eclipse Is Prejudice Against Whites, Says President Trump

Golf Town, USA.    President Trump said today that the only reason the solar eclipse is popular is because it’s black.  “This is racism against whites, pure and simple,” Trump said earlier.   “If the solar eclipse were white, no one would even bother to mention it, much less look at it.  What, do white eclipse lives NOT matter?  Must an eclipse be black in order for people to care about it?  Utter and complete racism.   It’s sickening how the fake, liberal media and the anti-fascists are going on about today’s eclipse.  ‘Oh, look how cool it is,’ they say.   ‘It’s just SO awesome and amazing!’  I’ve had enough.  I’m going to go have some ice cream and watch Fox News, the only news station not covering this despicably racist event.  Goodbye and Sieg Heil.”

Ask A Cadaver

Dear Cadaver, I’ve got a bit of a conundrum I hope you can help me with.  See, this Friday, I’ve several guests coming to the Vatican for a party.  My understanding is some of these guests are vegan and others are red meat lovers.  What in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ am I to serve them for dinner?  I don’t wish to offend the vegans by having red, cooked meat dripping delicious juices right next to a meatless eggplant parmesan.  I’m simply LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS!  What do you suggest I do?  Thank you, and may God bless you, Pope Francis, Vatican City, Italy

 

My dearest Pope Francis, thanks for the question.  Being a cadaver, I can readily understand your problem in dealing with dinner guests with varying palates.  You see, some people actually find my very presence at the dinner table, any dinner table, to be appalling.  “This f**kin’ dude is dead,” I often hear. “How in f**k’s name do you expect me to eat next to a decaying dead guy?  He f**kin’ SMELLS.”  The deep emotional pain these types of statements cause me is indescribable.  I’ve learned over the years, Pope Francis, that there’s no way to please everyone who’ll be at your dinner party.  Thus, I suggest you simply do what I do: serve whatever the f**k you want, and, if anyone complains about it and hurts your feelings,  puke up a handful of maggots and toss them on the table.  I f**kin’ guarantee you the last friggin’ thing your guests will be worried about after that is what’s for supper or whether or not their host is a cadaver.  I hope you find this advice helpful.  Yours in good health, a Cadaver