I Worked Security On Noah’s Ark, Says Hamster

Crazy City, Montana.  A cute little teddy bear hamster named Ezekiel stopped by the Pontificator office yesterday and told me that not only was he a passenger on Noah’s Ark, he was its chief of security. I asked him if he’d do an interview for the site, and he said, “Wadda tink I stopped by ‘fer, pal?” Below is a transcript of the first ever interview with a 4000 year old talking hamster.

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah's Ark

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah’s Ark

Ezekiel: Okee dokee, pal.  Before you even ask a question, I’ll answer a few dat I’m sure are on yer mind. Yes, I am a hamster, and I’m 4000 years old. Da only way I kin explain my longevity to ya is dis: I age the way folks in da Old Testament did, really friggin’ slow. How? I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’ ’cause I love livin’. And yes, I kin talk, if ya ain’t noticed. Odd ya say? Not fer Old Testament times. All da animals talked back then. Not often, mind ya. Weren’t no need, usually. But you kin bet yer booty we talked when we was stuck on dat Ark fer all those months. Hell, we even put on a couple shows ‘n sung a few tunes. Woulda been a boring ass trip otherwise. OK, now dat dat’s outta da way, go ‘head ‘n ask yer questions.

ACP: Sure, but first, would you mind if I picked you up so I could hear you better and we can see eye to eye? I feel uncomfortable leering down at you like this.

Ezekiel: No problem at all, Bud. On da Ark, Captain Noah always held me up to his face when I gave ’em my daily security report, so I’m used to it. Man, I really miss dat ‘ole son of a sea cook.

ACP: (After picking up Ezekiel) I guess I’ll start with Noah then, now that you’ve mentioned him. What was he like?

Noah, Ironically, Looked Like Russell Crowe

Noah, Ironically, Really Did Look Like Russell Crowe

Ezekiel: Oh, he was a great guy, and get dis fer irony, he ‘n Russel Crowe coulda been twins, they look so much alike, had they not been born four millennia apart, dat is. Only complaint I ever heard ’bout ’em was dat his singin’ wasn’t all dat great in da musicals we did on da Ark. Dat’s pretty friggin’ ironic, too, when ya think about it, eh?

ACP: It is. And the other irony here is your timing. Russell Crowe’s movie, “Noah”, opens on Friday, and here you are giving an interview about what it was like on the real Ark two days before it opens. This isn’t some kind of cheap attempt at publicity is it?

Ezekiel: (After picking up his rifle and pointing it at my nose) Listen, Bud, I don’t take kindly ta folks questioning my integrity. You do dat again, an’ I’ll shot ya right in yer kisser! Ya catch my meanin’, Bud?

ACP: I do, and I’m sorry. Just is ironic timing is all. Anyway, I can see why Noah picked you to be head of security. For such a little guy, you’ve got a heck of a pair on you. Who or which animal or animals gave you the most trouble on the Ark? And, did any brew ha ha’s ever break out between the herbivores and the carnivores. I always pondered that question.

Ezekiel: (After placing his weapon back down.) Ta tell ya da truth, Bud, the biggest pains in my arse were da damn ducks. Talk about yer friggin’ prima donna’s. Nottin’ we did fer ’em was ever good enough. Quack, bloody quack, dis, and quack bloody quack, dat! Every friggin’ two minutes. ‘Our toilet runs. Fix it! Our food is the wrong brand of duck feed. Fix it! Our feathers are rumpled. Get a professional feather stylist an’ fix ’em!’

Ducks Were Prima Donna's On Noah's Ark

Ducks Were Prima Donna’s On Noah’s Ark

Moses, but they were a pain! I mean, no one else complained about things. Not da lions or da tigers or da bears, oh my! Everyone realized, dat with out dat ark, we was screwed. And bad. Even ducks kin only float ‘n drift fer so long ‘fore they gotta go onta land fer stuff. They really needed ta chill. But,’cept fer them, things were OK ‘tween everyone, and da carnivores were cool about not eatin’ the herbivores. They realized they needed ’em ta restock their food supply once da Ark came upon land again. Oh, and ‘fore I forget, there was no olive branch brought by a dove that informed us there was land. It was a huge-ass black sea snake named Henry who told us. He got the job of lookin’ ahead fer land after the dove who was doing it got fired for coming back drunk every time he went out. Rumor is he found an abandoned raft drifting about that had several barrels of grain alcohol on it. You know you have a drinking problem when you put your booze on a raft during a world ending rain storm before yourself. Oh, it’s later than I thought. I gotta run. Got a date with a sexy gerbil I meet yesterday.

ACP: Thanks for coming by, Ezekiel. Glad to have met you. Please don’t be a stranger, and stop by again. I’ve more questions I’d like to ask you.

Ezekiel:   I will, Bud. Take care, and thanks fer listenin’. Tootles!

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Stormy Daniels Releases Sketch Of Man Who Threatened Her

Naked City, North Carolina.   X-rated film star, Stormy Daniels released a police sketch today of a man she claims threatened her to keep quiet about an affair she had several years ago with Donald Trump.  “It was terrifying,” Ms. Daniels said earlier.  “The man walked up to my car, as I and my infant child were getting in it, and released a blood-curdling yell while gazing up at the moon.  He must have been well over seven feet tall, and his body was covered with thick, matted hair.  He looked down at me and leaned in very close to my face.  His breath was rancid, and a foul, putrid smell radiated from him.

Police Sketch Of Man Stormy Daniels Says Threatened Her To Keep Quiet About Donald Trump

‘You keep mouth shut ’bout sex with Mr. Trump,’ he told me.  ‘If you no stay quiet, me come back, and me do awful, awful things to you and your baby!  Me serious!  OK?’  I told him, ‘OK’, and he ran off at a speed which must have been close to 30 miles an hour.  Let me tell you, that is NOT the kind of thing one forgets.   So I’m very confident that the sketch we released today is about as close to 100% accurate as you can get.  If anyone sees or knows who this man is, I ask you to please call my lawyer and tell him.  If it pans out that you are correct, and it is indeed the man we’re looking for, you will be given 100 thousand dollars.”

Orange Panther Movie With Donald Trump Coming Soon

Donald Trump As The Orange Panther

Hollywood California.   Because of the great success of the movie Black Panther, now in theaters, Donald Trump has decided to make a movie about himself called Orange Panther.   “Look,” President Trump said earlier today, “black people are not the only minorities out there who want to see themselves represented on screen in movies.   As an orange person, I find it rather offensive that people of my color aren’t represented more in films.   I’ve lived most of my life as if I were a super hero anyway, so making a super hero movie about it will be easy.   Throughout my life, as I’ve dealt with great prejudice due to my skin color, I’ve always fought crime wherever and whenever it reared its ugly head.   Many do not know this, but I was born with the speed and agility of a cat.   The minute I came out of my mother’s womb, I leapt about the hospital delivery room looking for a litter box as if I were a cat that greatly needed to pee.   As a toddler, I fought evil in my preschool by scratching out the eyes of any kid who crossed me.   Now, as a grown up, I often dress up in my super-duper powered cat suit to stop people from having premarital sex.  I stealthily walk along the outside ledges of skyscrapers peeking into bedroom windows in search of unwed people having sex.  When I find them, I use my super cat vision to check their fingers for wedding rings.  If they’re not wearing them, I crash through the window, pee on the culprits with my super powered cat-scented pee, then leap back out of the broken window hissing like the kitty cat I am.

So, as you can see, I’ve already been living the life of a super hero in my day-to-day life ever since I was a youth.   To make the film, I’ll simply have a camera man follow me about on my late night crime fighting adventures and film them as they happen–reality TV meets the super hero genre, BIGLY TIME!   I already have the cat suit, the powers, and I’m orange,  so special effects will not be needed.   I’m hoping to release the movie on October 31st so it can open on Halloween.  Cats are really popular on that day, so the movie will make tons of money.  It is time for orange people to be represented in films, and, by God, I’m going to be the one to do it.   So clear your calendar for Halloween of this year because it’s gonna be a historic moment in film you will not want to miss.  MEOW!!

Because I Had Bone Spurs….

“I Wasn’t Able To Catch And Eat Tweety Bird.”   Sylvester the Cat, April 15th, 2011

 

“I Was Unable To Stand And Run When John Wilkes Booth Started Shooting At Me, So I Was Killed.”   April 15th, 1865

 

“I Had To Stay In My Car While Shooting Quail So I Wasn’t Able To Kill As Many Had I Been Able To Stand Up And Shoot Them.”  Little Old Lady, August 5th, 1999

 

“I Was Unable To Shoot And Kill Bugs Bunny Cause The Pain In My Foot, From My Bone Spurs, Caused Me To Cry Out When I Was Sneaking Up On Him.”  Elmer Fudd, December 3rd, 2001

 

“I Was Unable To Win The 100 Yard Dash At My High School Track Meet.”  Baby Girl, June 12th, 2014

 

“I Had To Defer My Enlistment In The U.S. Army 5 Times Even Though I’m The Toughest, Badly-est, Bigly-est Tough Guy To Have Ever, Ever Lived. No, Really, I Am. Really. I’m Manly, And I’m Tough.”  President Donald Trump, February 22nd, 2018

A Few Naked Pictures

I think those folks are staring at us ’cause we’re naked. Bark at ’em or somethin’ and maybe they’ll go away.

 

Are you sure this is how the French do it?

 

Listen, I’m just too tired to put anything on right now, so you’ll just have to deal with it.

 

Yeah, I thought this was a nude beach, and it isn’t.  So sue me!

 

Say, Sailor, why don’t ya’ come up and see me sometime.

 

Maybe if I stand here really, really still, no one will notice I’m not wearing anything.

 

Well, I’m doing what you told me to do, but I still think we’re doing this wrong.

God Abandons Patriots–Eagles Win Super Bowl

New England Patriots Fan Cries After God Allows Eagles To Win Super Bowl

Foxborough, Massachusetts.    New England Patriots fans are saddened today because God announced he favored the Eagles in last night’s Super Bowl, and that’s why they won.   “Yeah,” God said earlier, “the Patriots and their fans just didn’t pray hard enough for me to allow them to win this year.  The Eagles and the folks in Philly prayed and worshiped my ass SO much longer and harder I just couldn’t let them lose.  Lots of Catholics in Philadelphia, too, and that’s NEVER a bad thing. (My son’s a Catholic, FYI).  As well, the New England area is starting to crawl with atheists, and there’s no way in the Hell I created that I’m NOT gonna punish THAT sh*t–big time!   Of course, just to f**k with Patriots fans, I let the game stay close enough for Tom Brady to pull off one his miracle comebacks before making him fumble the ball so the Eagles could recover and score an additional field goal.  Ha, ha, ha!  That was a riot.  Brady’s a Trump supporter, too, and I HATE that guy, so there’s another reason I let the Eagles win.   Yeah, Tom wants to help Trump make America great again cause it’s been just so awful for him living in it.  Right, bite me.   Any-who, I gotta run.  There are a few famines and plagues I’m cooking up to smack Africa with and those take time to do right or they won’t kill and make enough people suffer.  We couldn’t let THAT happen now, could we?”

I’m Being Discriminated Against…Again!

Well, it’s happened again.   Another group of people has decided I can no longer belong to their “unique” club.    This time it’s the Russian Oligarchs.  The bastards.   I mean, sure, I’m not Russian; I don’t speak Russian, hell, I’ve never even been anywhere near Russia, and I’m poorer than a church mouse, but SO WHAT!!!  If you prick me, will I not bleed like a Russian Oligarch?  If you insult me, in English cause I don’t speak Russian, will I not cry like a Russian Oligarch?   If you give me tens of billions of dollars, will I not use it to greedily enrich myself and shower myself in gold, diamonds, and sexy babes like Russian Oligarchs do?  Of course!

Russian Oligarch Saying: “Who The Fuck Is The Arm Chair Pontificator?”

Just because I was never asked to join the Russian Oligarch club is no reason to kick me out of it.  ENOUGH!!  Until I’m reinstated into said club, I’m going to crank call every oligarch in Russia, their friends, their families, and even their pets until they cry into their bottles of high alcohol content vodka and beg me to stop.   I hope they like their phones ringing at 3AM, because that’s when I’m gonna crank ’em.  Get ready to never sleep again, you bigoted Russkies.   You bastards have picked on the wrong American!  (Don’t say I didn’t warn you).