Naked City, North Carolina. X-rated film star, Stormy Daniels released a police sketch today of a man she claims threatened her to keep quiet about an affair she had several years ago with Donald Trump. “It was terrifying,” Ms. Daniels said earlier. “The man walked up to my car, as I and my infant child were getting in it, and released a blood-curdling yell while gazing up at the moon. He must have been well over seven feet tall, and his body was covered with thick, matted hair. He looked down at me and leaned in very close to my face. His breath was rancid, and a foul, putrid smell radiated from him.
Police Sketch Of Man Stormy Daniels Says Threatened Her To Keep Quiet About Donald Trump
‘You keep mouth shut ’bout sex with Mr. Trump,’ he told me. ‘If you no stay quiet, me come back, and me do awful, awful things to you and your baby! Me serious! OK?’ I told him, ‘OK’, and he ran off at a speed which must have been close to 30 miles an hour. Let me tell you, that is NOT the kind of thing one forgets. So I’m very confident that the sketch we released today is about as close to 100% accurate as you can get. If anyone sees or knows who this man is, I ask you to please call my lawyer and tell him. If it pans out that you are correct, and it is indeed the man we’re looking for, you will be given 100 thousand dollars.”
Donald Trump As The Orange Panther
Hollywood California. Because of the great success of the movie Black Panther, now in theaters, Donald Trump has decided to make a movie about himself called Orange Panther. “Look,” President Trump said earlier today, “black people are not the only minorities out there who want to see themselves represented on screen in movies. As an orange person, I find it rather offensive that people of my color aren’t represented more in films. I’ve lived most of my life as if I were a super hero anyway, so making a super hero movie about it will be easy. Throughout my life, as I’ve dealt with great prejudice due to my skin color, I’ve always fought crime wherever and whenever it reared its ugly head. Many do not know this, but I was born with the speed and agility of a cat. The minute I came out of my mother’s womb, I leapt about the hospital delivery room looking for a litter box as if I were a cat that greatly needed to pee. As a toddler, I fought evil in my preschool by scratching out the eyes of any kid who crossed me. Now, as a grown up, I often dress up in my super-duper powered cat suit to stop people from having premarital sex. I stealthily walk along the outside ledges of skyscrapers peeking into bedroom windows in search of unwed people having sex. When I find them, I use my super cat vision to check their fingers for wedding rings. If they’re not wearing them, I crash through the window, pee on the culprits with my super powered cat-scented pee, then leap back out of the broken window hissing like the kitty cat I am.
So, as you can see, I’ve already been living the life of a super hero in my day-to-day life ever since I was a youth. To make the film, I’ll simply have a camera man follow me about on my late night crime fighting adventures and film them as they happen–reality TV meets the super hero genre, BIGLY TIME! I already have the cat suit, the powers, and I’m orange, so special effects will not be needed. I’m hoping to release the movie on October 31st so it can open on Halloween. Cats are really popular on that day, so the movie will make tons of money. It is time for orange people to be represented in films, and, by God, I’m going to be the one to do it. So clear your calendar for Halloween of this year because it’s gonna be a historic moment in film you will not want to miss. MEOW!!
New England Patriots Fan Cries After God Allows Eagles To Win Super Bowl
Foxborough, Massachusetts. New England Patriots fans are saddened today because God announced he favored the Eagles in last night’s Super Bowl, and that’s why they won. “Yeah,” God said earlier, “the Patriots and their fans just didn’t pray hard enough for me to allow them to win this year. The Eagles and the folks in Philly prayed and worshiped my ass SO much longer and harder I just couldn’t let them lose. Lots of Catholics in Philadelphia, too, and that’s NEVER a bad thing. (My son’s a Catholic, FYI). As well, the New England area is starting to crawl with atheists, and there’s no way in the Hell I created that I’m NOT gonna punish THAT sh*t–big time! Of course, just to f**k with Patriots fans, I let the game stay close enough for Tom Brady to pull off one his miracle comebacks before making him fumble the ball so the Eagles could recover and score an additional field goal. Ha, ha, ha! That was a riot. Brady’s a Trump supporter, too, and I HATE that guy, so there’s another reason I let the Eagles win. Yeah, Tom wants to help Trump make America great again cause it’s been just so awful for him living in it. Right, bite me. Any-who, I gotta run. There are a few famines and plagues I’m cooking up to smack Africa with and those take time to do right or they won’t kill and make enough people suffer. We couldn’t let THAT happen now, could we?”
Well, it’s happened again. Another group of people has decided I can no longer belong to their “unique” club. This time it’s the Russian Oligarchs. The bastards. I mean, sure, I’m not Russian; I don’t speak Russian, hell, I’ve never even been anywhere near Russia, and I’m poorer than a church mouse, but SO WHAT!!! If you prick me, will I not bleed like a Russian Oligarch? If you insult me, in English cause I don’t speak Russian, will I not cry like a Russian Oligarch? If you give me tens of billions of dollars, will I not use it to greedily enrich myself and shower myself in gold, diamonds, and sexy babes like Russian Oligarchs do? Of course!
Russian Oligarch Saying: “Who The Fuck Is The Arm Chair Pontificator?”
Just because I was never asked to join the Russian Oligarch club is no reason to kick me out of it. ENOUGH!! Until I’m reinstated into said club, I’m going to crank call every oligarch in Russia, their friends, their families, and even their pets until they cry into their bottles of high alcohol content vodka and beg me to stop. I hope they like their phones ringing at 3AM, because that’s when I’m gonna crank ’em. Get ready to never sleep again, you bigoted Russkies. You bastards have picked on the wrong American! (Don’t say I didn’t warn you).
Everyone knows the lovable Jedi Master, Yoda, but few know of the many wives he’s had in his life. Here’s a list of them and Yoda’s comments about them.
“Married four times, I’ve been. Exhausted it has made me,” Yoda says.
Yoda’s First Wife and Sister To Evil Emperor Palpatine, Margaret Thatcher. “Too self-centered, she was,” Yoda says of her. “Used my toothbrush, she did. Apologize, she would not. So divorce, I did.”
Yoda’s Second Wife, Dianne Feinstein. “Smoked like a chimney, she did. Whole house she stunk up!” Says Yoda. “So papers I served her, and out she went!”
Yoda’s Third Wife, Nancy Pelosi. “Dogs she loved,” Yoda says of her, “but allergic I am. The dogs or me, I said, and the dogs she kept.”
Yoda’s Current Wife And Dark Lord Of The Sith, Ann Coulter. “Powerful, she is,” Yoda says of her. “Afraid of her, I am. Marry her I should have not, but prisoner I now am. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope!”