You know what really sucks? When you buy a new superhero suit and they forget to tell you it will shrink if you get it wet. I’m AQUAMAN! I live under water. Why in Neptune’s name would I want a suit that you can’t get wet? If they don’t give me my money back, I’m gonna toss me a damned hissy-fit to end all hissy-fits! Harrumph!
What up, peeps? John the Baptist’s severed head here. Ya’ know, a lot of folks ask me, “John the Baptist’s severed head, what’s the most inconvenient thing about being a severed head?” Well, there are many inconveniences to my current predicament, my inability to wank off due to the fact I’ve no hands and no penis being one. But, the MOST inconvenient thing about all this is that every time I eat or drink something, it just comes pouring outta my neck a second after I swallow it. This one time, I was on a date with this smokin’ hot Italian babe I met in Rome. We were sittin’ in a restaurant, enjoying a light, flirtatious conversation, when she says to me, “John’s severed head, you simply MUST taste this wonderful wine I’m having.” She then proceeds to pour, like, a whole glassful of the stuff right down my gullet. Needless to say, red wine shot outta my severed neck like water from a fire hose on steroids. It got all over her and all over the table where we were sitting. Yeah, that was the end of that date. She drove me home and promised she’d text me later to set up another date, but I never heard from her again. Can’t really say I blame her. Now days I spend most of my time alone, watching TV and eating as little as is humanly possible. Life’s just simpler this way, and far less messy.
“Ouch! God dammit! I stubbed my little toe on that friggin’ couch over there! SON OF A BITCH! Whose bright idea was it to put it there? Mother of Christ, but this hurts like hell!” Albert Einstein, May 12th, 1942
Chicago, Illinois. A Chicago man today became deeply distraught when he was pooped on by a large bird while waiting for a bus. “It was horrible,” said the man in question, Jimmy John-John Muckinheimer The Third. “I was minding my own business, waiting for the bus, when suddenly, from outta nowhere, a big white bird flies over my head and relieves itself all over my left shoulder. The woman standing next to me almost passed out from shock as I screamed, ‘Oh my f-ing Lord, I’ve been shit on by a bird!’ After regaining somewhat of my composure, and assuring the woman I was unharmed, I called 911 to report the incident. I must say, the 911 operator seemed almost annoyed by my call but, he did send out a patrol car to check on the situation. I missed two buses while waiting for the police to arrive, but when they did, they helped me clean the poop off my shoulder with a wet-wipe, took down my statement, and told me they’d keep an eye out for the bird least the crazy beast shit on someone else. I gotta tell ya’, livin’ in a big city like Chicago has its advantages, but big-ass birds shittin’ on ya’ ain’t one of ’em.”
Life at № 42
Writings on Everything and Nothing
Working on ways to improve mental health services. And ranting about my "New America."
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The Mind Works Best With Coffee
Things I want to say about this, that, and the other thing.
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Smexy Historical Romance
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THE DRIVELLINGS OF TWATTERSLEY FROMAGE
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How one atheist sees life
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For the establishment of secular, liberal, humanist and republican space settlements
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