Golf Town, USA. President Trump said today that the only reason the solar eclipse is popular is because it’s black. “This is racism against whites, pure and simple,” Trump said earlier. “If the solar eclipse were white, no one would even bother to mention it, much less look at it. What, do white eclipse lives NOT matter? Must an eclipse be black in order for people to care about it? Utter and complete racism. It’s sickening how the fake, liberal media and the anti-fascists are going on about today’s eclipse. ‘Oh, look how cool it is,’ they say. ‘It’s just SO awesome and amazing!’ I’ve had enough. I’m going to go have some ice cream and watch Fox News, the only news station not covering this despicably racist event. Goodbye and Sieg Heil.”
‘Lil Hands, Iowa. In stunning news today, even for the Trump White House, President Trump announced he has fired his daughter Ivanka from the job of being his daughter, supposedly over “creative differences,” and replaced her with former New York City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. “I’m both honored and flattered that President Trump has decided to hire me as his new daughter,” Giuliani said earlier. “I’ve always dreamed of a day when I might be a blushing wife married to a handsome man like Jared Kushner. I promise to be as faithful and honest to him as I will be to my new pops, Donald Trump. Ivanka was a beautiful woman, but, apparently, she was not a very loyal daughter, a mistake I vow never to make. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick out a dress to wear tonight. I’m having dinner with Donald and Melania and I want to look my best!” *As a side note, Jared Kushner has thus far refused to comment on this stupendously unusual occurrence.
Cleveland, Ohio. President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July. “Fuck England,” Trump said. “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it! I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly. The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica. Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT! God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”
Los Angeles, California. George and Amal Clooney’s recently born twins were arrested earlier today after a local paparazzi, Jimmy Inurface, claimed they struck him repeatedly on the shins when he tried to photograph them. “It was a horrifying experience,” Mr. Inurface said earlier. “I saw the twins exiting a Honda Civic on Hollywood Boulevard late last night, so I calmly approached them to ask if I could take their picture. In unison, they told me to go f**k myself then plummeted my shins with their tiny hands. This continued until I took out my phone and dialed 911. At that point, the twins returned to their vehicle and sped off after giving me the raspberries.
Though they’re only infants, the battering they gave my shins has caused me great physical and emotional pain. Besides pressing criminal assault charges, I’m going to sue those brats for all they, and their hot-shot parents, are worth. I mean, what kinda dead beat parents let their newborn twins drive around all night in a Honda Civic anyway? They deserve to be sued for that alone.”