‘Lil Hands, Iowa. In stunning news today, even for the Trump White House, President Trump announced he has fired his daughter Ivanka from the job of being his daughter, supposedly over “creative differences,” and replaced her with former New York City Mayor, Rudy Giuliani. “I’m both honored and flattered that President Trump has decided to hire me as his new daughter,” Giuliani said earlier. “I’ve always dreamed of a day when I might be a blushing wife married to a handsome man like Jared Kushner. I promise to be as faithful and honest to him as I will be to my new pops, Donald Trump. Ivanka was a beautiful woman, but, apparently, she was not a very loyal daughter, a mistake I vow never to make. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pick out a dress to wear tonight. I’m having dinner with Donald and Melania and I want to look my best!” *As a side note, Jared Kushner has thus far refused to comment on this stupendously unusual occurrence.
Cleveland, Ohio. President Donald Trump today launched a thermonuclear missile at London, England in honor of the Fourth of July. “Fuck England,” Trump said. “They repressed ‘Murica back in the day, and they’ve never apologized for it! I nuked London in honor of our great country, and to send a message to those a-holes in Britain who refuse to speak ‘Murican correctly. The Fourth of July is a holiday where big explosions signify the greatness of ‘Murica. Well, the nuking of London was one fucking big explosion, and it was GREAT! God bless ‘Murica, and God bless freedom!”
Los Angeles, California. George and Amal Clooney’s recently born twins were arrested earlier today after a local paparazzi, Jimmy Inurface, claimed they struck him repeatedly on the shins when he tried to photograph them. “It was a horrifying experience,” Mr. Inurface said earlier. “I saw the twins exiting a Honda Civic on Hollywood Boulevard late last night, so I calmly approached them to ask if I could take their picture. In unison, they told me to go f**k myself then plummeted my shins with their tiny hands. This continued until I took out my phone and dialed 911. At that point, the twins returned to their vehicle and sped off after giving me the raspberries.
Though they’re only infants, the battering they gave my shins has caused me great physical and emotional pain. Besides pressing criminal assault charges, I’m going to sue those brats for all they, and their hot-shot parents, are worth. I mean, what kinda dead beat parents let their newborn twins drive around all night in a Honda Civic anyway? They deserve to be sued for that alone.”
1.) Fed the elephants laxative laced peanuts.
2.) Dressed like Batman; hung upside down with the fruit bats in their enclosure, and screamed, “STOP FUCKIN’ LOOKIN’ AT ME, GOD DAMN IT!” at the people looking into the enclosure.
3.) Juggled black mamba snakes after releasing them from their habitat.
4.) Released a mound of fire ants onto a bus loaded with senior citizens on a field trip.
5.) Jumped into the gorilla habitat and started a wrestling match with a massive, alpha male mountain gorilla.
6.) Painted the black stripes on the zebras white, glued horns onto their heads, and put a “Unicorns” sign on their enclosure.
7.) Taught the squirrel monkeys how to give people the finger after sticking it up their butts.
8.) Given the rhinos vodka enemas.
9.) Attempted to put the hippos into bright red one-sies.
10.) Released the hissing cockroaches into the zoo cafeteria during lunch.
Trenton, New Jersey. Donald Trump and Paul Ryan announced today that they are planning on repealing and replacing the 13th amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s about time we fixed our damaged economy by returning legalized slavery to America,” Paul Ryan said this morning right after attending Catholic Mass. “The President and I see eye to eye on this issue. We, along with the rest of the GOP, agree that black, poor, and brown people belong in bondage. What better way is there to make these people shut up about decent health care and equal rights under the law than by enslaving them? What need has a slave for health insurance? If one gets sick or dies, so what. You simple burn it to ash, or toss it into a rapidly moving river, and buy another one.
There will be no more crying about wages, number of hours worked, or overtime pay. With slavery returned, wealthy white males can once again freely whip and beat those humans they most despise, black, poor, and brown people, in order to make them do whatever it is they want. And I do mean WHATEVER it is they want. The biggest mistake this country ever made was to abolish slavery. Nothing good has come of it. The wealthy, white male has suffered the oppression of the 13th Amendment long enough. It is time for it to go away and for justice, decency, and order to once again be part of the American lifestyle.
Lastly, as soon as President Trump and I repeal and replace the 13th Amendment, we’ll begin the process of repealing and replacing the 19th so that wealthy, white males can once more freely vote on important matters without ever again having to worry about what women have to say about anything. God bless America, and God bless freedom.”