Human Torch here, folks. I’ve got a problem I need to talk about. I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney. Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a…well…a human torch, this has caused me great grief over the years.  Once, when I was rescuing a cat that had climbed into a tree, I blasted a huge fart which caused a massive blue flame to shoot out of my flaming ass.  The flame flew into an old folks home that was across the street from me and set off the sprinkler system.  Dozens of old folks had to run out of their beds in the middle of the night, soaking wet, and stand in the freezing cold until the fire department came and gave the all clear for them to go back inside.  When the fire chief asked me if I knew what had caused the sprinkler system to activate, I shrugged my flaming shoulders and said, “Nope.  All I know is, it had nothing to do with me.”  So, the next time you’re feeling down and think your life is tough, think of me, my bean addiction, and my flaming ass.  I guarantee you, you’ll see how your problems pale in comparison to mine.  Have a great day, and thanks for listening.