Tony Stark, aka, Iron Man, gave a tearful webcam apology this morning to fans saying he’s become too fat to wear the Iron Man armor and will be selling it on E-bay. “I’m so terribly sorry this has happened,” Mr. Stark said while eating a jelly donut and weeping. “Ever since Pepper Potts and I broke up, I’ve been in a deep depression and my only comfort has been jelly donuts and reading this really cool blog called, The Arm Chair Pontificator. Dude who writes it is fucking brilliant! I’m nominating him for the Nobel Prize. He’s THAT smart.
Any way, the armor will go up on E-bay in the next day or two and I’m hoping someone thin enough to wear it buys it and puts it to good use. It comes with a full battery charge and a 6 month warranty against rust. I apology again to all my fans for letting myself go like this and I thank you for letting me be one of your super heroes. Wish me luck as I wish it to you. This is Tony Stark signing off. Good Bye.”
“This is bullshit!” an angry Thor yelled today from Avengers Mansion. “My hammer goes missing, I ask Odin for a decent replacement, and he sends me a god damn child size screw driver!? WTF?! I’m NOT going into a battle with that fucking thing! I’ll be laughed off the planet!
Odin is punishing me for misplacing it. That’s what this is all about. This has happened before and he’s pissed at me about it. I get so wound up when I throw my hammer, sometimes it winds up going much farther than I intended, and it takes it awhile to find its way back. One time it wound up in Texas, and they refused to give it back until I attended three bar-b-Que tasting contests there. Kinda yummy, actually. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes, eh? But a fuckin’ tiny screw driver! I mean COME ON, POP!!! Loki’s the shit heel, not me! I sure as hell hope that hammer makes its way back here soon. The humiliation of this is fucking killing me.”