A Hulk Rant On Donald Trump

Hulk angry!  Hulk’s President is stupid, dumb orange man, Donald Trump.  Hulk doesn’t like stupid orange man.   Orange man has no respect for women.  Orange man thinks he can grab women by women’s private parts just cause orange man is famous.  ORANGE MAN BAD!!! Hulk SMASH stupid orange man!!!  Orange man give huge tax breaks to his billionaire friends by taking money from poor, old and sick people.  HULK HATE STUPID ORANGE MAN!!!  Stupid people voted for stupid orange man!  Hulk not smart, but Hulk smart enough to know orange man is bad and hurts good people.  Hulk good, so Hulk didn’t vote for stupid orange man.   Stupid orange man voters are bad just like stupid orange man!!!  Orange man call Asian man with bad haircut silly names.  Now Asian man with bad haircut might drop huge bomb on Hulk and people Hulk loves.  HULK HATES STUPID ORANGE MAN!!!  Hulk must go now because stupid orange man make Hulk sick, and Hulk need to rest.  Hulk hope stupid orange man go away soon.  Hulk can’t take much more of this!!  AAARRRGH!!!

 

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A Request From Prince Namor, The Sub-Mariner

Hi.  Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, here.   Before I get started, let me warn everyone reading this, I'm VERY sensitive about 2 things: The tiny wings on my feet, and the big, pointy crown on my head.  Make fun of them, or giggle at them, and I'll stick my big-ass scepter up your tushy.  So, no laughing.  Now, on to business.  As many of you may know, I live underwater in the Kingdom of Atlantis.  Yes, Atlantis, remember now, no laughing.  Thing is, in Atlantis, the only thing we wear are s

Hi. Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, here.  Before I get started, let me just warn everyone that I’m VERY sensitive about a few things: the tiny wings on my feet, the big, pointy crown on my head, and people thinking I’m a dandy because I’m dressed in this tiny Speedo.  Make fun of these things, or giggle at me in any way because of them, and I’ll stick my big-ass scepter up your tiny tushy.  So, no laughing.  Now, on to my request.  As many of you may know, I live underwater in the Kingdom of Atlantis.  Oh, no laughing about that either.  I live in Atlantis and I’m a Prince.  Deal with it.  But I digress.  My purpose for coming here today is to ask people who swim in the ocean to please stop peeing in it.  I LIVE IN IT, PEOPLE!  Do I come into your home and pee in it?  Of course not.  So, please, stop peeing in mine.  It’s friggin’ gross.  Thanks, and have a nice day.

Human Torch Talks About A Very Personal Issue

Human Torch here, folks.  I've got a problem I need to talk about.  I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney.  Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a....well,,,,a human torch, this has

Human Torch here, folks. I’ve got a problem I need to talk about. I love beans-all kinds of beans, pinto, chili, baked, and kidney. Thing is, they give me brutal gas, and, being a dude who makes his living by being a…well…a human torch, this has caused me great grief over the years.  Once, when I was rescuing a cat that had climbed into a tree, I blasted a huge fart which caused a massive blue flame to shoot out of my flaming ass.  The flame flew into an old folks home that was across the street from me and set off the sprinkler system.  Dozens of old folks had to run out of their beds in the middle of the night, soaking wet, and stand in the freezing cold until the fire department came and gave the all clear for them to go back inside.  When the fire chief asked me if I knew what had caused the sprinkler system to activate, I shrugged my flaming shoulders and said, “Nope.  All I know is, it had nothing to do with me.”  So, the next time you’re feeling down and think your life is tough, think of me, my bean addiction, and my flaming ass.  I guarantee you, you’ll see how your problems pale in comparison to mine.  Have a great day, and thanks for listening.

Meet Marvel Comics Newest Hero, The Preposterous Pant Man

 

The Preposterous Pant Man

The Preposterous Pant Man   When Confronting An Evil Villain, The Pant Man Transforms Himself Into A Shark-Empowered Pair Of Pants, Slips Onto The Legs Of The Villain, And Gnaws His Way To Victory.

Tony Stark says, I’m Too Fat To Be Iron Man.

Tony Stark Gives Tearful Webcam Apology

Tony Stark Gives Tearful Webcam Apology

Tony Stark, aka, Iron Man, gave a tearful webcam apology this morning to fans saying he’s become too fat to wear the Iron Man armor and will be selling it on E-bay.  “I’m so terribly sorry this has happened,” Mr. Stark said while eating a jelly donut and weeping. “Ever since Pepper Potts and I broke up, I’ve been in a deep depression and my only comfort has been jelly donuts and reading this really cool blog called, The Arm Chair Pontificator.  Dude who writes it is fucking brilliant! I’m nominating him for the Nobel Prize. He’s THAT smart.

Iron Man Sold On E-bay

Iron Man Armor For Sale On E-bay

Any way, the armor will go up on E-bay in the next day or two and I’m hoping someone thin enough to wear it buys it and puts it to good use.  It comes with a full battery charge and a 6 month warranty against rust.  I apology again to all my fans for letting myself go like this and I thank you for letting me be one of your super heroes. Wish me luck as I wish it to you. This is Tony Stark signing off. Good Bye.”

Thor’s Hammer Replaced With Small Screw Driver

I'm Not Taking THAT Into Battle!

I’m Not Taking THAT Into Battle!

“This is bullshit!” an angry Thor yelled today from Avengers Mansion. “My hammer goes missing, I ask Odin for a decent replacement, and he sends me a god damn child size screw driver!? WTF?!  I’m NOT going into a battle with that fucking thing! I’ll be laughed off the planet!

Thor's New Weapon

Thor’s New Weapon

Odin is punishing me for misplacing it. That’s what this is all about.  This has happened before and he’s pissed at me about it. I get so wound up when I throw my hammer, sometimes it winds up going much farther than I intended, and it takes it awhile to find its way back. One time it wound up in Texas, and they refused to give it back until I attended three bar-b-Que tasting contests there. Kinda yummy, actually. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes, eh? But a fuckin’ tiny screw driver! I mean COME ON, POP!!! Loki’s the shit heel, not me! I sure as hell hope that hammer makes its way back here soon. The humiliation of this is fucking killing me.”