Shocking Shotgun Marriages From History

shotgun-wedding-lgI was riding shotgun with Stephen Hawking the other day when he mentioned to me that his was a shotgun marriage. “Had it not been for that gun in my face, way back when, I’d never have been anything but a player for my entire life.” Well, I just about fell off the side of Hawking’s chair when he said this. Never could I have imagined such a reputable scientist being forced to marry a women via the shotgun method. So I decided to do a bit of made-up research to see just who else in history celebrated their nuptials via the same matrimonial process. Below I present my stunning, yet entirely true, findings. I suggest you get a stiff drink and sit down before reading it, however. The very foundation of your world is about to change.

I Rode Shotgun Wt Hawking On This Chair

I Rode Shotgun With Hawking On This Chair

Shocking Historical Shotgun Marriages And Their Participants: Volume One

1.) Pope Penile the Pontificator: Pope Penile was the 17th century’s equivalent of me: A guy with a huge mouth, very little knowledge about anything important, and a lot of time on his hands. He was also, like me, raised Catholic. Apparently, he got some Italian Lord’s daughter pregnant and the guy forced him to resign the Papacy and marry his pregnant daughter by placing a loaded musket up his anus until he did. Ouch! Once the wedding was over and the musket removed, however, Pope Penile’s replacement, Pope Vaginal the Viscous, had the Lord burned alive as a heretic and made his still pregnant daughter clean up the remains. Those Catholics know how to get even, eh?

Pope Penile The Pontificator

Pope Penile The Pontificator

2.) Albert Einstein: W=1 gun squared. That’s the formula by which the guy who figured out that time itself is relative throughout the universe and not a constant got married. Al promised his childhood sweet heart, Betsy Hamburgbun, he’d marry her but then reneged on the deal when he fell in love with the cook from his college cafeteria, Anne Heimensteinstopinkissmeburg. Betsy’s father duct-taped two handguns together when he heard this and placed them up Al’s nose until he fulfilled his marriage promise to Betsy. They remained happily married after that for about six or seven years. Then Betsy became a Scientologist and Al divorced her with her father’s blessing.

Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

3.) Winston Churchill: Winston married his first wife, Jill Templehill, only after her father placed a sawed off shotgun against Winston’s temple and threatened to blow his brains out if he didn’t. It is very unclear as to why Winston’s marriage had to be conducted this way, as Jill was a strikingly beautiful woman, and not pregnant when the two were married. Strange, eh? But absolutely true. Absolutely.

Another Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

Another Previously Unknown Shotgun Marriage Groom

End Volume One

 

 

Annihilate Scientology With Hearsay: It’s Fair Game

All I Said Was I Heard It

All I Said Was I Heard It

I’ve been reading up on Scientology today. And I feel completely comfortable and guilt free in saying it needs to be annihilated by whatever means necessary. It isn’t a religion. It isn’t a business. It isn’t a cult. It is evil. Evil personified. It needs to be quickly and completely eliminated. An effective technique for doing this is the, “I Just Heard Offensive.” Here’s how it might work, should one choose to use it.

Scientology = Illuminati ?

Scientology = Illuminati?

I just heard, earlier, that The Church of Scientology is considered by enlightened conspiracy theorists to be controlled by the Illuminati and the Trilateral Commission. Earlier, I also heard that The Church of Scientology was behind 9/11. They created a false trail to Al Qaeda and Bin Laden merely as a cover-up. It’s believed by some, or so I’ve heard, that the government was getting too close to too many Scientology secrets, so they concocted the events of 9/11 as a warning to the government to back the fuck off. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I’ve also heard The Church of Scientology has huge orgies involving farm animals and people dressed as L. Ron Hubbard in leather bondage gear. At these orgies, Scientology members are often sodomized by pigs, sheep, horses, ducks, chickens, cats, and even barn owls, or so I’ve heard. From what people say, Church members often engage in plotting out ways to overthrow the U.S. Government while performing fellatio on cattle.

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

Have These Rhinos Sodomized Scientologists?

I hear this is dangerous, but then, I’ve heard Scientology members are suicidal idiots who do not fear death as long as they’ve the cock of a beast of burden in their mouth when they die. Sounds extreme, I know. But I’m only writing what I’ve heard others say. And I hope what I’ve heard gets The Church of Scientology’s attention. Why, you ask? Well, because, from what I’ve heard, they have a policy to aggressively attack anyone or any organization that is in any way critical of them. Interesting. I’ve heard I’m being critical of them right now actually. I’ve heard I want them annihilated. Go figure, eh? You know, I’ve heard that hearsay, true or not, can be really hurtful to people, as well as to evil organizations that need to be eliminated. I heard that from someone earlier. Honestly, I can’t remember who said it, but I really did hear it. Earlier.

Scientology Attacks Gay Marriage; A-theist Sociopath Attacks Scientology

Hello. My name is David Christiankill, I’m an a-theist and a sociopath. I’ve no empathy for the religious fundamentalist-types I torment and eventually eat. I don’t eat people because I’m an a-theist. I eats ’em ’cause I likes ’em! Tasty meat, human is. Any way, why I’m here. I look upon myself as a hand of righteous vengeance. I strike at those who seek to glorify themselves by dehumanizing others to hide the doubts they have about themselves. This article on Scientology’s attempt to legitimize itself by doing what the Christians and Muslims do best, hate gays and fight gay marriage, caught my eye. Scientology Attacks Gay Marriage as Dangerous to Society – Canada cult | Examiner.com

Me, An Atheist Sociopath

Me, An Atheist Sociopath

I realized after reading this that I’ve yet to eat a Scientology member. I pondered why this was, and here’s what I came up with. As sick, over-the-top and violent as Christianity and Islam are, I still think of them as religions, evil ones, but religions none the less. Scientology I think of as a prolapsed horse’s anus with flies buzzing around it because it smells like shit, mucous, and blood all at the same time. Excuse me for that comment, it wasn’t nasty enough to express how I truly feel, but be patient, I’m just warming up.

He' Nuttier Than Me

He’s Nuttier Than Me

So, Scientology is homophobic and disapproves of two people who love each other getting married if their privy parts match, eh? You guys really have a pair of balls, I’ll say that. Has anyone in your little cult of stupidity ever looked in a god damn mirror? Do you see religious leaders looking back out at you, or do you see what the world sees. Oafish apes who dress like humans, walk like humans, and have vile habits like humans, but most definitely are not humans. All humans I’ve ever come into contact with have had at least a shred of pride and a morsel of self-awareness. Scientology members have neither. I say this, because you fuckers are NOT a religion, and you’re insistence that you are, irritates the shit out of me.

 Why Scientology Is A Joke

Why Scientology Is A Joke

You are assholes. You are stupid-heads. You are nachos with a big, “Sorry, outta cheese,”  sign on you. You are clowns who no one laughs at and wish were dead. You are a hemorrhage on the pussies and cocks of every man, woman, and child whose time you’ve wasted trying to convince you’re a religion. And you’re represented by actors whose careers you’ve destroyed by letting them associate themselves with you. In other words, you’re a joke, and you are not appreciated even for that because you’re not a funny one,  just a mundane, suicidally sad one.

I Want Alex Back!

I Want Alex Back!

Either you ass eaters change your rhetoric on gay people, and let Laura Prepon be on the WHOLE season 2 of “Orange Is The New Black,” or I’m coming for you. And  I’m going to boil you alive in olive oil, then eat you while I play graphic gay porn for you to enjoy while I do.