Lesser Known Quotes From The Bible


Here are a few quotes from The Bible many folks have never heard of because I just made them up.

1.) And Jesus said unto the pizza delivery boy, “I’m not paying for this, dude!  It’s got anchovies on it.  I specifically said NO anchovies.  Bring it back, and bring me what I ordered or I’ll tell my Pops on ya.”  Mark 45:32-33

2.) And Yahweh said to Jesus, “Yep.  I’m you and your me, and the Holy Spirit is you and me, too.  We’re all three, one.  Why is this so hard for you to understand?”  Matthew 12:66-67

3.) “Obi-Wan, is Darth Vader really my father?” Luke 22:15

4.) The Prophet Greg cried out into the heavens, “OUCH!  There’s a friggin’ rock in my sandal!  Everyone who’s gathered here to hear my prophecies is gonna have to come back tomorrow.  I simply can’t work under these conditions.”  Jeremiah 12:78

5.) Pontius Pilate, upon his first arrival into Judaea, heard a man from the crowd that had gathered to greet him cry out,”Christ, Pilate, what the fuck did you do to get sent all the way out here, screw the Emperor’s wife?!” John 54:21-22

Biblical Passport Pics

Here are some passport pics Moses dropped off of his pals for me to share with my readers. I think they’re just peachy. How ’bout you?


Jesus: "I Had This Taken The Day After My Braces Came Off."

Jesus: “I Had This Taken The Day After My Braces Came Off.”


Isaac: "This Picture Is 4000 God Damn Years Old! Not Bad, eh?"

Isaac: “This Picture Is 4000 God Damn Years Old! Not Bad, eh?”


Pontious Pilate: "Tell Me I Look Great In This Pic Or I'll Nail Your Ass To A Cross."

Pontius Pilate: “Tell Me I Look Great In This Pic Or I’ll Nail Your Ass To A Cross.”


John The Baptist's Head: "Not A Bad Smile Considering I'm Just A Severed Head, eh?"

John The Baptist’s Head: “Not A Bad Smile Considering I’m Just A Severed Head, eh?”


Guy Who Said No Room At The Inn: "So How Was I To Know She Was Pregnant With God. Really? How? Would You Have Known?"

Guy Who Said No Room At The Inn: “So How Was I To Know She Was Pregnant With God. Really? How? Would You Have Known?”

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled, Part 4

The First Supper Of Christ: Apostles Assembled

Scene 4

It is approximately 6 months since Mary Magdalene’s rescue from Herod’s singing Stripper Bar. We are in Pontius Pilate’s office in Jerusalem with Pilate, King Herod, and a single Roman centurion guard. Herod and Pilate are discussing the Pharisees who’ve come to ask Pilate to kill Jesus for them because he and his apostles have been forcing Jews to apologize to God for the sins of Adam and Eve and to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Those who refuse are beaten, water boarded, and starved until they comply. Many have died from this. Jesus has attacked the Pharisees hardest of all because of their continued, arrogant defiance of his demands. They want Pilate to rid them of Jesus for good. It is a very long time ago.

Pilate: Herod, who the fuck did you tell me these guys were again who want me to kill Jesus?

Pontius Pilate Wants Jesus Stopped Before He Turns His Rebellion On Rome

Pontius Pilate Acts For Rome Alone, Not The Pharisees

Herod: They are the Pharisees, my Liege, the leaders of the Jewish faith. They’re pissed because they’re pussies who can’t kill Jesus for themselves, so they figure they’ll get you to do it for them. Fuck ’em. They are limp-wristed pansy boys as useless as drops of rain in the magnificence of the great sea that is Rome. They aren’t worth your time. I, however, want Jesus’ ass hung on a cross cause the faggot stole one of my whores from me. NO ONE does that to Herod the Great without paying for it. I’m asking you to help me catch him because it benefits you to do it. You’ll be preventing that asshole from turning his campaign against Rome, which he surely will do next, and you’ll get a life long ally in me, Herod, King of Judea, ensuring you of no further insubordination from any Jew while I reign.

Pilate: I like the way you think, Herod. You’re OK in my book. Centurion!

Centurion: Yes, my Lord?

Pilate: Go out there and tell the Pharisees I’ve washed my hands of them and that they can go fuck themselves. What I do I do for Rome and for Rome’s cause. The requests of pansy-boy religious leaders mean nothing to Rome. Tell them if I see or hear of them again, even a peep, I’ll have them all crucified. Damn sissies.

Centurion: As you wish, my Lord.

The Pharisees Learn Pontius Pilate Refuses To See Them

Pontius Pilate Tells The Pharisees To Fuck Off

The camera cuts to a medium shot of the Centurion talking to a large group of Pharisees who begin to protest loudly what they hear. This prompts the Centurion to point toward a nearby hill where 10 crucified individuals can be seen squirming on crosses in horrific pain waiting to die. The Pharisees then quickly and quietly leave as we cut to a Mexican Restaurant, somewhere in Judea, where Judas, Mary Magdalene, and Christ are awaiting their to go order.

The First Supper Was Mexican Takeout

The First Supper Was Mexican Takeout

Mary: I must say, JC, Mexican takeout was an OUTSTANDING idea for the first ever supper of all 12 of your Apostles. I can’t believe we did it. You said you wanted twelve Apostles and 12 we have. All trained, combat proven, and ready to kick repentance out of everyone we find in need of it. You get sexier and hotter to me every day, sir. You are without any doubt, my savior and Lord.

Jesus: Thanks, babe. You were a big help to me in doing this. You’re the woman behind the Savior, if you will. And you’re pretty OK in the “hots” department yourself, I might add.

Just then, without warning, Judas knocks both Jesus and Mary to the ground as a spray of gun fire flies harmlessly over them.

Judas Poised Always For Battle

Judas, Poised Always For Battle

Judas: Man, that was close. And that was most definitely not the Pharisees shooting at you. It’s Herod again, Jesus. I’m telling you, let me go stealth on his fucking ass and kill him while he sleeps. It’s dangerous keeping a dude who hates you that much alive.

Jesus: I know, and in time, Herod will die, but for now, I need him alive. I’ve a plan for him and he is, so far, following it perfectly. Come on, let’s get the food back to the HQ. I’ll bet everyone is starved.

Judas: OK, pal. If you say so. You are the son of God, after all.

Cut to the inside of Jesus’ and the Apostles’ HQ. All 12 Apostles, Mary Magdalene, and Jesus are seated around a large round table with various Mexican food dishes open on it looking rather picked over. Jesus has a shot of Vodka in his hand and is about to make a toast.

The First Supper

The First Supper

Jesus: I’d like to share this toast with Mary, and my Apostles upon the occasion of our first ever supper together as a team. You are a team of hand-picked specialists who will help to bring repentance from mankind for the sins of Adam and Eve, thus prompting my father to FINALLY forgive them for it. Not only that my friends, you are also the defenders of the wronged, the jurors for the guilty, and the executioners of the condemned. We are Jesus and The 12 Apostles, and let every evil doer and non-repentant sinner know, screw with us, and you are truly fucked!

Jesus downs his shot and everyone else soon follows suit. The screen fades to red and then to black. End scene 4.

Stay tuned, as we approach the exiting conclusion of our story.