Biblical Mugshots

Here are a few Mugshots of Biblical characters I found recently while roaming around in an ancient cave in Jerusalem.

1.)

Satan: Arrested In 4000 BC For “Grabbing Women By The Pussy ‘Cause I’m Famous.”

2.)

St. Peter: Arrested In 34 AD For Shouting Anti-Semitic Slurs At A Group Of Rabbis In Jerusalem.

3.)

Judas: Arrested In 30 AD For Having Sex With Pontius Pilate’s Wife.

4.)

Virgin Mary: Arrested In 29 AD For Telling A Deli Owner She Didn’t Have To Pay For Her Bagel Because She Was ” The Virgin Mother Of The One, True God.”

5.)

Jesus: Arrested In 31 AD For Accidentally Turning All The Water At A 7 Year Old’s Birthday Party Into Wine.

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Christmas Wishes From The Bible

1.) Baby Jesus:

Baby Jesus says, "It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!"

“Merry Christmas.  It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to.  Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!”

 

2.) Lazarus:

"Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I'm around."

“Merry Christmas, y’all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I’m around.”

 

3.) Yahweh:

"Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I'm God! I don't have to wear clothes on Christmas or any other day, either! Ha! Ha! It's good ta be God!"

“Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I’m God! I don’t ever have to wear clothes, even on Christmas! Ha! Ha! It’s good ta be God!”

 

4.) The Virgin Mary:

"Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I'm pregnant and he ain't the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?"

“Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I’m pregnant and he ain’t the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?”

Tonight On Pontificator TV: Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, Starring Ken Ham

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, premiers tonight on Pontificator TV.   The show stars Ken Ham as Dracula, a vampire who, rather than sucking blood, sucks logic and reason out of his victims until they blindly follow him and his idiotic belief that the Earth is only 6000 years old and the Bible is the inerrant word of God.

Ken Ham IS Dracula

Ken Ham IS Dracula

As his nemesis, we have Neil deGrasse Tyson as Professor Abraham Van Helsing, a scientist so appalled by the idiocy of everything Dracula stands for he has dedicated his life to stopping him.

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Van Helsing

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Abraham Van Helsing

As Dracula’s slave and mindless minion, we have Bill Maher as Renfield.

Bill Maher IS Reinfield

Bill Maher IS Renfield

As the woman Dracula most wants to suck the reason from, we have The Virgin Mary as Mina Harker.

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula's Prey

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula’s Prey

Lastly, as the only weapon that can completely destroy Dracula and ruin his evil plan to suck humanity’s reason dry, we have a photo of Charles Darwin that was consecrated real by Carl Sagan in 1979.

Chuck Darwin's Photo IS The Antidote To Dracula's Bite

Charles Darwin’s Photo IS The Only Antidote To Dracula’s Bite

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, debuts tonight on Pontificator TV.  Watch it, or I’ll make fun of you.  Imperious Rex!

Famous Bearded Women In History

Mummyville, Egypt.  Fabricated archeologist, and amateur photographer, Ivana Kissurmom, stopped by our Paris office today with these amazing pictures of famous bearded women from history. Enjoy.

1.) This picture of Eve shows us she wasn’t just the first woman ever, but the first bearded woman ever as well.

Looks Like God Took A Bit Of Chest Hair Along With The Rib He Took From Adam When He Made Eve

Apparently God Took A Bit Of Chest Hair Along With Adam’s Rib When He Made Eve, Eh?


2.) Next we have the very bearded Helen of Troy. I just don’t see what all the fuss was about, do you?

 THIS Is The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships?

THIS Is The Face That Launched A Thousand Ships?

3.) And now for the Virgin Mary. I don’t know about you, but she doesn’t look very virginal to me.

Ya Gotta Admit, The Flowers Are Kinda Sexy

The Flowers Are Kinda Nice, Don’t Ya Think?

4.) This picture shows that George Washington had either terrible eyesight or very bad taste in women.

Apparently, George Had Pretty Bad Eye Site

Martha Washington

5.) And this one shows the same can be said of Jesus.

 Jesus' Eye Site Was None Too Good Either

Mary Magdalene

6.) Last for today we have Joan of Arc, pictured in the very tux she wore at her execution.

Joan Of Arc In The Tux She Wore To Her Execution

Lookin’ Pretty Spiffy For A Woman About To Be Burned Alive, Eh?

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Famous Beards From The Bible

Forest Moon, Endor.  World renowned Biblical archeologist, Professor Al Lickya, stopped by TACP’s Berlin office today with some stunning photos he discovered in Tunisia of famous Bible folks sporting beards. Have a look at them, and let us know what you think. Some of them are quite shocking, so please, do not view them if you are an expectant mother or bald.

1.) This first pic is of the big guy himself wearing a very General Grant-ish style beard. Quite dapper, in a Civil War kinda way, eh?

God

God

2.) This next pic is of the big guy’s number one kid, looking a tad bit scruffy and very, very pissed off. Guess he REALLY didn’t want his picture taken.

Jesus

Jesus

3.) Next, we have a pic of the big cheese from another holy book, The Koran. He looks a lot younger than I thought he would. Wouldn’t you agree?

Allah

Allah

4.) Here’s one that I find quite surprising, as I never expected to find her wearing a beard. Too much testosterone in the food back then I suppose.

Virgin Mary

The Virgin Mary

5.) And lastly, here’s a pic of Mary’s earthly husband taken immediately after she told him she was pregnant, and the baby wasn’t his, but God’s.

Joseph

Joseph

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Soon To Be Released Porn Films From The Arm Chair Pontificator

Check out these porn movies that will soon be available on The Arm Chair Pontificator adult streaming channel.

1.) The Godfather: Part BIG.  I actually star in this little beauty of an erotic masterpiece as The Butler: A mysterious and dashingly handsome man-servant to the Godfather. A Mafia Don with a monstrously huge dick and an insatiable lust for 20-year-old women who dress as Catholic School girls. If you like impeccably subtle writing, stellar acting, especially by yours truly, and award-winning art design, this is the porn film you were born to see.

Yours Truly As The Butler In The Godfather: Part BIG

Yours Truly As The Butler In The Godfather: Part BIG

2.) Raiders of the Lost Quim. Join Indiana Johnson and his bevy of naked beauties as they frolic their way through the Middle East in search of good curry and the sacred, lost, missing quim of the Virgin Mary. This baby is loaded with mind-boggling CGI effects and actors so hot they’ll warm your blood for decades. You won’t want to miss it!

Indiana Johnson

Indiana Johnson

3.) Jesus Christ, Sexy Star. A Musical, erotic romp through the New Testament with Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and The Holy Spirit. If you think porn flicks and huge Broadway musicals don’t mix, you’re in for a surprise when you see Jesus Christ, Sexy Star. Just because the tenors are nude and sporting huge boners does not mean they can’t sing. And, baby, can these boys SING! After viewing this movie, you’ll never be able to have sex again without its soundtrack playing in your head.

Jesus Christ, Sexy Star

Jesus Christ, Sexy Star

4.) Mary Does Bethlehem. Join the Virgin Mary as she kicks in doors and raids the gay bath houses of Bethlehem wearing nothing but a smile in search of Jesus’ dead-beat dad, Joseph. If you like action with your mindless sex, this is the film you’ve been waiting for. As an added bonus, 80’s porn legend, Ron Jeremy, has been cast in the film as the Inn, and Out, Keeper. This is not a movie you’ll want to miss.

Mary Says: Where My Baby Daddy At?

Mary Says: Where My Baby Daddy At?

5.) It’s A Wonderful C*ck. Join George, The Wad, Baily and the rest of the townsfolk of Dickford Balls as they fight off the evil Mr. Pooper, a tyrannical fundamentalist Christian who’s trying to outlaw sex of any kind from their town. This film is sure to become a Christmas classic, so be sure to gather the whole family together and watch it when it premiers this Thanksgiving on The Arm Chair Pontificator adult streaming channel.

I Swear To God, Mary, It's THIS Big!

I Swear To God, Mary, It’s THIS Big!


Jesus’ Mother Says Elvis Now Officially A Saint

Saint Elvis

Saint Elvis

While shooting craps this morning at an early hours casino in Heaven, Mary, Holy Mother of God, said that Elvis has officially been declared a Saint by Jesus, the most famous of her 6 children.  “JC called me this morning from a fishing schooner He’s been working on, and asked me to please inform Elvis that his application was approved and he could now officially call himself, Saint Elvis. Elvis broke out into a wild version of ‘Jail House Rock’ when I gave him the news, and said that waiting to receive it was even more anxiety producing than when he was waiting to go on the Ed Sullivan Show for the first time in the 1950’s.”

Mary, Jesus Mother, Says, "Snake Eyes, Baby!"

Mary, Jesus Mother, Says, “Snake Eyes, Baby!”

“However,” Mary continued, “This wasn’t an easy decision for JC to make. First of all, Elvis isn’t Catholic. So making him a Saint is sure to piss them off. Catholics have done more to keep My Boy up nights than all other religions combined. They’ve got a really bloated sense of their own importance and actually think no one gets to Heaven without them. Nonsense. I mean, friggin’ Disney actually BOUGHT Heaven recently, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t ask the Pope for his permission. Angry Catholics shouting at the Heavens about how wronged they feel is not something new to us up here. You should’ve been here when Martin Luther was doing his number on them. Talk about ANGRY!!  But Jesus loves Elvis and has been a fan for as long as I can remember. He accepted Elvis’ sainthood application because He wanted to give something special back to him for all the great music he’s given us. He’ll ride out the Catholic complaints as He always has and things will be quiet again shortly. But in the mean time, Viva Las Vegas, baby! It’s time to roll the die!”