Tonight On Pontificator TV: Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, Starring Ken Ham

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, premiers tonight on Pontificator TV.   The show stars Ken Ham as Dracula, a vampire who, rather than sucking blood, sucks logic and reason out of his victims until they blindly follow him and his idiotic belief that the Earth is only 6000 years old and the Bible is the inerrant word of God.

Ken Ham IS Dracula

Ken Ham IS Dracula

As his nemesis, we have Neil deGrasse Tyson as Professor Abraham Van Helsing, a scientist so appalled by the idiocy of everything Dracula stands for he has dedicated his life to stopping him.

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Van Helsing

Neil deGrasse Tyson IS Professor Abraham Van Helsing

As Dracula’s slave and mindless minion, we have Bill Maher as Renfield.

Bill Maher IS Reinfield

Bill Maher IS Renfield

As the woman Dracula most wants to suck the reason from, we have The Virgin Mary as Mina Harker.

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula's Prey

The Virgin Mary IS Mina Harker, Dracula’s Prey

Lastly, as the only weapon that can completely destroy Dracula and ruin his evil plan to suck humanity’s reason dry, we have a photo of Charles Darwin that was consecrated real by Carl Sagan in 1979.

Chuck Darwin's Photo IS The Antidote To Dracula's Bite

Charles Darwin’s Photo IS The Only Antidote To Dracula’s Bite

Dracula, Prince Of Idiocy, debuts tonight on Pontificator TV.  Watch it, or I’ll make fun of you.  Imperious Rex!

Neil deGrasse Tyson On Bill Maher’s Show

I love Neil deGrasse Tyson. The world would be a much better place if more people were like him. Also, I want him to be my dad. So, Neil, if you’re reading this, will you please be my dad and take me to ball games and go fishing with me? Please. I’ll be good. I promise. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed74p6jEjZU

Carl Sagan Returns From The Dead Via Wormhole

Carl Sagan returned from the dead a few hours ago. Here’s what he had to say about it.

“In spite of the billions and billions of odds against it, I’ve come back from the dead via the wormhole you see behind me in the picture below:

I'm Baaaack!

I’m Baaaack!

I had a hypothesis that traveling between the realms of the living and the dead might be possible provided you had a nice, fat wormhole connecting them that you could crawl through to do it. But before I had the opportunity to make or buy such a wormhole to test that hypothesis, I died. Once that happened, I assumed I no longer existed. Until I realized, if I’m still able to make such an assumption after I’ve already died, then obviously I still exist or I wouldn’t be able to make the assumption I didn’t.  Thus, having established for myself I did, in fact, still exist, even though I had died, I set about the business of making a big, fat wormhole to see if I could crawl through it and return to the realm of the living. And guess what? I can.  And now that I am here, I think I’ll help my old friend Neil deGrasse Tyson co-host ‘Cosmos.’ That should send its ratings into the stratosphere as well as freak out fundamentalist, knowledge-fearing, Christians. I always enjoyed it whenever I could do that. That’s all for now folks. I gotta crawl back through the wormhole. I think I may have left my stove on.”

Cosmos TV Show Is Dumb And Stupid, Says Southern Christian Pastor

Backwater, Tennessee. An outspoken, and very angry, Southern Christian pastor, The Reverend James Tightsphincter, is claiming the new version of “Cosmos” is not only dumb, it’s stupid.

Reverend James Tightsphincter

Reverend James Tightsphincter

“First off,” Mr. Tightsphincter said this morning, “Mike Tyson is a gosh darned ex-boxer and a convicted felon! What in the H E double toothpicks makes him qualified to host a program about the cosmos? Really?! I mean COME ON!!! Secondly, it is HIGHLY insulting to air such, excuse my French, crud on TV because it is demeaning to Christians like me who are very, very smart and know that the Bible is the ONLY truth there is to EVER know about space and stuff! OOH!!!! I’m telling you, I could poop nickles right about now, I’m so mad!!! Does Mike Tyson think, that just because he’s a big, bad tough guy with a tattooed face, that he can go on TV and tell people lies about the origin of man?! That no good-nick! God made man, and he made him 6000 years ago. That’s an undeniable fact, Mr. Heavyweight Man! And that, excuse my French again, crud you said about the universe being billions of years old is also NOT true. You liar, liar pants on fire, you! There’s harm in telling such lies, pal. They have frightened and angered my poor Jesus loving children SOOOO much, they stormed the local library and pee-peed on every book they found which contained pictures of boxers and/or stars in it.

Mike Tyson Claims He Has No Recollection Of Ever Hosting A TV Show Of Any Kind

Mike Tyson Claims He Has No Recollection Of Ever Hosting A TV Show Of Any Kind

You are dumb, Mr. Mike Tyson! And one day, you’ll get your comeuppance because I, and many other Southern Christian conservatives like me, have really, really big guns and we KNOW how to use them! We are not afraid Mr. Blasphemer. We are not afraid of you one tiny bit. Now why don’t you put that on your stupid TV show and smoke it, eh?