A Christmas Message From Baby Jesus

What’s up, y’all.  Baby Jesus here.  I just popped by my favorite blog, The Arm Chair Ponificator, to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. Hope you all do something fun for the holiday that doesn’t involve anything illegal or unsavory.  Remember, my Pops is watching you, and he can be a real d*ck if you piss him off by doing naughty things.
I’m gonna celebrate my birthday by chillin’ in this lovely warm tub of soapy bubbles that smell like lavender.  Love it!  Later, baby Mary Magdalene will be coming over and I’m gonna impress the sh*t outta her by crawling on top of this water without sinking into it.   It’s great to be God!  Have a great holiday, everyone.  See ya’ next year.

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Bible Characters Who Had Weight Problems

Here are a few pics of Bible characters who had appetites that were, to say the least, rather insatiable.

Baby Jesus Had Quite A Problem Keeping His Weight Down. His Mother, Mary, Once Said About Him, "Yeah, That Little Dickens LOVES His Donuts, And, Since He's, Well, God, He Can Simply Materialize Them Whenever He Wants Them. Makes It Damned Hard To Monitor His Diet, I Must Say."

Baby Jesus Had Quite A Problem Keeping His Weight Down. His Mother, Mary, Once Said About Him, “Yeah, That Little Dickens LOVES His Donuts, And, Since He’s, Well, God, He Can Simply Materialize Them Whenever He Wants Them. Makes It Damned Hard To Monitor His Diet, I Must Say.”

 

Mary Magdalene Had A Love For Pasta That Was Notorious Throughout The Ancient World. August Caesar Once Said Of Her, "That Lady Sure Can Eat. I Invited Her To The Palace For Diner One Night And It Cost Me, Like, 4500 Bars Of Gold In Pasta Alone. That's A LOT Of Gold, Even For The Emperor."

Mary Magdalene Had A Love For Pasta That Was Notorious Throughout The Ancient World. August Caesar Once Said Of Her, “That Lady Sure Can Eat. I Invited Her To The Palace For Diner One Night And It Cost Me, Like, 450 Bars Of Gold For The Pasta Alone. That’s A LOT Of Gold, Even For The Emperor.”

 

Not Only Was St. Peter A Heavy Fella, He Had A Belch So Loud It Shook Buildings, At Least According To St. John. "Yep," John Once Said," Peter, After Eating An Entire Roasted Pig By Himself, Belched So Loud The Doors Of The Restaurant We Were In Literally Fell Off The Hinges. Wild Fella, That Peter."

Not Only Was St. Peter A Heavy Fella, He Had A Belch So Loud It Shook Buildings, At Least According To St. John. “Yep,” John Once Said, “Peter, After Eating An Entire Roasted Pig All By Himself, Belched So Loud The Doors Of The Restaurant We Were In Literally Fell Off Their Hinges. Wild Guy, That Peter.”

Christmas Wishes From The Bible

1.) Baby Jesus:

Baby Jesus says, "It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!"

“Merry Christmas.  It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to.  Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!”

 

2.) Lazarus:

"Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I'm around."

“Merry Christmas, y’all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I’m around.”

 

3.) Yahweh:

"Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I'm God! I don't have to wear clothes on Christmas or any other day, either! Ha! Ha! It's good ta be God!"

“Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I’m God! I don’t ever have to wear clothes, even on Christmas! Ha! Ha! It’s good ta be God!”

 

4.) The Virgin Mary:

"Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I'm pregnant and he ain't the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?"

“Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I’m pregnant and he ain’t the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?”

Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

An Interview With Burt Bigglesworth, One Of The Three Wise Men

Wise Man Burt Bigglesworth

Wise Man, Burt Bigglesworth

 

I bumped into Burt Bigglesworth, one of the three fabled wise men who visited Jesus on the day he was born, in Starbucks this morning. I asked him if I could interview him for my site, and he said I could if he could have the wacky goggles I was wearing. I said yes; he put the goggles on, and we began the interview.

TACP: Thanks for allowing me to interview you, Mr. Bigglesworth, and, if you don’t mind my saying, you look dashingly handsome in those goggles.

Bigglesworth: Thanks. I’ve been looking for something to keep the damn bugs outta my eyes when I’m drivin’ my Harley on the highway, and these puppies are perfect for it. Plus, I’m bettin’ they’ll make me an even bigger babe magnet than I already am. You mind if I have a swig of your latte before we get rollin’? It looks better than this urine colored apple juice I just paid $7.95 for.

TACP: Sure thing. Go ahead. Now, I have to ask, what was it like being there for the birth of Christ on that first Christmas all those years ago?

Bigglesworth: Well, you see, people erroneously assume I and my group had gone to Bethlehem specifically for the birth of little Jesus. Not true. We were in Bethlehem because we were booked to perform that weekend at the Inn there.

TACP: Hold on there a minute. Your group was in Bethlehem to perform at the Inn? Weren’t you one of three kings who came to witness the birth of Jesus by following the North Star to Bethlehem specifically for that purpose?

Bigglesworth: Naw. I was part of a barber shop quartet called, “The Four Singing Shepard Kings.” We were on our way to Bethlehem to perform when one of us, Jeeves McDickens, got piss drunk and fell in front of a moving camel. Needless to say, only three of us made it to the gig. When we showed up at the Inn in Bethlehem, an Inn that was booked to capacity, BTW, the Inn keeper threw a hissy fit and told us to bugger off because no one wanted to listen to a barber shop quartet that had only three members.

TACP: Wow. I never heard about any of this before. Funny how the Bible leaves out SO many facts, eh? So, did you ever actually see the baby Jesus in the manger, or is the Bible wrong about that?

Bigglesworth: Oh, we not only saw him, his folks paid us two goats and three sheep to sing him to sleep.  After the Inn keeper told us we didn’t have a gig anymore, we asked him if we could at least spend the night at the Inn cause we were tired and in distress from having lost Jeeves in that camel incident. We were told no, however, because the Inn was full. So, we started looking around for a place to crash when we heard a baby wailing in a manger not too far away. We popped in to see what was what, and when Mary and Joseph saw us, they cried out,”God has answered our prayers and sent these three kings to help our wailing baby stop wailing so we can get some sleep! Amen! Amen! Amen!”

TACP: Why did Mary and Joseph think you fellas were kings, if I may ask?

Bigglesworth: Because we were still in our “Singing Shepard King” outfits from the gig we just lost. We didn’t have time to change whilst seeking shelter for the night. Any who, to make a long story short, we told Mary and Joseph we’d be happy to sing the little tyke to sleep if they were willing to pay us the sheep and goats I mentioned before. They agreed, and we sang, anachronistically, I might add, a soothing version of “Down in the Valley”, minus Jeeves’ tenor solo, of course, and the little wanker nodded right out. I then fired up an “incense” doobie, and the rest, as they say, is wildly distorted history. Hey, sorry, bro, but I seem to have drunk all of your latte.

TACP: No trouble, Mr. Bigglesworth. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. Where are you off to now?

Bigglesworth: Got me a stand up comedy gig at a biker bar in Toledo. Wish me luck. Bikers can be rough crowds. See ya around, pal. And thanks again for the goggles.

TACP: Sure thing. Bye now

 

 

Baby Jesus Makes Shocking Confession: I’m A Methamphetamine Addict

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Just in time for Christmas, the Baby Jesus today made a stunning, and somewhat surreal announcement: “I’m a hard-core methamphetamine addict and have been for many years.  It isn’t easy saying this knowing that there are so many children who look up to me and want to be like me, hoping that they, too, can be brutally tortured and killed one day for the sins of people not yet born.  But I can’t fight the demons that make me chase the elusive methamphetamine dragon by myself anymore.  So I’ve decided to take this Christmas off from my usual duties of lying around in mangers and cooing cutely while folks pass by. Instead, I’ll be focusing on working the 12 steps of my N.A. program with the help of my sponsor, The Holy Spirit.  His battle with alcohol is legendary up here in Heaven, and I gotta believe, if he learned to live without vodka, I certainly can learn to live without a continual methamphetamine buzz.  In the mean time, Baby New Year will be filling in for me and covering all my Christmas responsibilities for the year.  He ain’t too happy about it though, having to start work a month earlier than usual. Thus, you may notice a bit more crankiness from the Baby Jesuses you encounter this year. He’ll pull through, though, and, by next year, I’ll be meth free and back to the old grind like usual.  So to all my fans, Merry Christmas, and please, keep me and my battle with methamphetamine in your thoughts throughout this blessed season.  Best always, The Baby Jesus.  Heaven, 12/03/2014.”

Vintage Photos Of People From The Bible

Check out these vintage pics of people from the Bible that Moses dropped off at my office this morning.  He says he found them in an old sock drawer yesterday and wanted to share them. Give ’em a look; I think you’ll like ’em.

Virgin Mary's Facebook Picture, circa 1929

Virgin Mary’s Facebook Picture, circa 1929

 

Baby Lucifer Down Wind Of Baby Jesus

Baby Lucifer, Up Wind Of Baby Jesus

 

Joseph, Baby Jesus, And Mary In New York, circa 1927

Joseph, Baby Jesus, And Mary In New York, circa 1927

 

Mary Madelene: "Like What You See, Jesus?"

Mary Magdalene: “Like What You See, Jesus?”

 

God's First Wife, Rosalind, Teaching Baby Angel Gabriel How To Blow His Horn

God’s First Wife, Rosalind, Teaching A Baby Angel Gabriel How To Blow His Horn

 

Baby Moses In His Basket Seconds After Being Found.

Baby Moses, In His Basket, Seconds After Being Found in The Nile.