Here are a few pics of Bible characters who had appetites that were, to say the least, rather insatiable.
1.) Baby Jesus:
4.) The Virgin Mary:
Greetings, Pontificator readers. I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible. Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
2.) The Holy Spirit
3.) St. Paul
4.) Baby Jesus
5.) Mary Magdalene
I bumped into Burt Bigglesworth, one of the three fabled wise men who visited Jesus on the day he was born, in Starbucks this morning. I asked him if I could interview him for my site, and he said I could if he could have the wacky goggles I was wearing. I said yes; he put the goggles on, and we began the interview.
TACP: Thanks for allowing me to interview you, Mr. Bigglesworth, and, if you don’t mind my saying, you look dashingly handsome in those goggles.
Bigglesworth: Thanks. I’ve been looking for something to keep the damn bugs outta my eyes when I’m drivin’ my Harley on the highway, and these puppies are perfect for it. Plus, I’m bettin’ they’ll make me an even bigger babe magnet than I already am. You mind if I have a swig of your latte before we get rollin’? It looks better than this urine colored apple juice I just paid $7.95 for.
TACP: Sure thing. Go ahead. Now, I have to ask, what was it like being there for the birth of Christ on that first Christmas all those years ago?
Bigglesworth: Well, you see, people erroneously assume I and my group had gone to Bethlehem specifically for the birth of little Jesus. Not true. We were in Bethlehem because we were booked to perform that weekend at the Inn there.
TACP: Hold on there a minute. Your group was in Bethlehem to perform at the Inn? Weren’t you one of three kings who came to witness the birth of Jesus by following the North Star to Bethlehem specifically for that purpose?
Bigglesworth: Naw. I was part of a barber shop quartet called, “The Four Singing Shepard Kings.” We were on our way to Bethlehem to perform when one of us, Jeeves McDickens, got piss drunk and fell in front of a moving camel. Needless to say, only three of us made it to the gig. When we showed up at the Inn in Bethlehem, an Inn that was booked to capacity, BTW, the Inn keeper threw a hissy fit and told us to bugger off because no one wanted to listen to a barber shop quartet that had only three members.
TACP: Wow. I never heard about any of this before. Funny how the Bible leaves out SO many facts, eh? So, did you ever actually see the baby Jesus in the manger, or is the Bible wrong about that?
Bigglesworth: Oh, we not only saw him, his folks paid us two goats and three sheep to sing him to sleep. After the Inn keeper told us we didn’t have a gig anymore, we asked him if we could at least spend the night at the Inn cause we were tired and in distress from having lost Jeeves in that camel incident. We were told no, however, because the Inn was full. So, we started looking around for a place to crash when we heard a baby wailing in a manger not too far away. We popped in to see what was what, and when Mary and Joseph saw us, they cried out,”God has answered our prayers and sent these three kings to help our wailing baby stop wailing so we can get some sleep! Amen! Amen! Amen!”
TACP: Why did Mary and Joseph think you fellas were kings, if I may ask?
Bigglesworth: Because we were still in our “Singing Shepard King” outfits from the gig we just lost. We didn’t have time to change whilst seeking shelter for the night. Any who, to make a long story short, we told Mary and Joseph we’d be happy to sing the little tyke to sleep if they were willing to pay us the sheep and goats I mentioned before. They agreed, and we sang, anachronistically, I might add, a soothing version of “Down in the Valley”, minus Jeeves’ tenor solo, of course, and the little wanker nodded right out. I then fired up an “incense” doobie, and the rest, as they say, is wildly distorted history. Hey, sorry, bro, but I seem to have drunk all of your latte.
TACP: No trouble, Mr. Bigglesworth. I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. Where are you off to now?
Bigglesworth: Got me a stand up comedy gig at a biker bar in Toledo. Wish me luck. Bikers can be rough crowds. See ya around, pal. And thanks again for the goggles.
TACP: Sure thing. Bye now
Just in time for Christmas, the Baby Jesus today made a stunning, and somewhat surreal announcement: “I’m a hard-core methamphetamine addict and have been for many years. It isn’t easy saying this knowing that there are so many children who look up to me and want to be like me, hoping that they, too, can be brutally tortured and killed one day for the sins of people not yet born. But I can’t fight the demons that make me chase the elusive methamphetamine dragon by myself anymore. So I’ve decided to take this Christmas off from my usual duties of lying around in mangers and cooing cutely while folks pass by. Instead, I’ll be focusing on working the 12 steps of my N.A. program with the help of my sponsor, The Holy Spirit. His battle with alcohol is legendary up here in Heaven, and I gotta believe, if he learned to live without vodka, I certainly can learn to live without a continual methamphetamine buzz. In the mean time, Baby New Year will be filling in for me and covering all my Christmas responsibilities for the year. He ain’t too happy about it though, having to start work a month earlier than usual. Thus, you may notice a bit more crankiness from the Baby Jesuses you encounter this year. He’ll pull through, though, and, by next year, I’ll be meth free and back to the old grind like usual. So to all my fans, Merry Christmas, and please, keep me and my battle with methamphetamine in your thoughts throughout this blessed season. Best always, The Baby Jesus. Heaven, 12/03/2014.”
Check out these vintage pics of people from the Bible that Moses dropped off at my office this morning. He says he found them in an old sock drawer yesterday and wanted to share them. Give ’em a look; I think you’ll like ’em.