Sara Tinsel, Christmas Elf
Santa’s Village, North Pole. An elf named Sara Tinsel is claiming Santa has been sexually harassing her and many other elves for years. “It’s terrible,” Ms Tinsel said earlier. “Santa just started rubbing my shoulders late one night as I worked alone in his toy shop about 15 Christmases ago. He said I looked tense and cold and that his big, gloved hands were just the things to loosen and warm me up. He placed his mouth so close to my pointed ears when he said this I could smell the cinnamon on his breath. I asked him to please stop, and, at first, he did. But, then, just this last Christmas, he walked into the toy workshop wearing nothing but his red hat and his black boots while several of us elves were putting together Malibu Barbie play sets. His snowballs were completely in view for all to see. He walked around, checked our work, smiled, and then left without saying a word.
Most of my fellow elves have been afraid to speak out about this because, should we lose our jobs, it would be almost impossible for us to find new ones. Who’s going to hire a bunch of three-foot, pointy-eared elves whose only skills involve toy-making and reindeer care? Not anyone that I can think of. However, I’ve had enough, and I’m reporting this in the hope that Santa becomes SO embarrassed by his actions that he ceases them immediately. I hope it works. He’s a great guy when it comes to giving kids toys, but that does not give him the right to treat us elves as his personal sex kittens. And, if he does not stop, we will be filing a class action sexual harassment suit against him to make him stop. Hope you all find time this season to have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed, harassment free, new year. “
I Will Tolerate Discrimination No More
Black Friday has filed a discrimination suit against White Christmas stating White Christmas refuses to sit next to him on buses and trains during the cross-country tours the two make together yearly at this time. “I’ve had enough of his discriminatory crap,” an angry Black Friday told reporters today. “White Christmas thinks he can treat me however he wants simply because he’s a Sunday and White, and I’m a Friday and Black. He literally makes me sit at the back of any vehicle we ride in together, and he expects me to carry his luggage for him all the time too. For years now I’ve just done whatever he wanted because my self-esteem was very low. I’m a Friday in a Christian country. Fridays are not the most chipper days with the Christian faithful. Jesus was brutally tortured and crucified on one. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for day of the Christian week, eh? One thing Fridays and the Jews have in common is that Christians blame us both for something we had absolutely nothing to do with, the horrific murder of Jesus. As well, I’m African-American, and getting a fair deal in a country ruled by a powerful bigoted bunch of tight-ass wealthy white people is truly a mother fucking bitch. It’s hard to look on the bright side with stresses like that put on you just because of who you are.
Being Sued For Racial Discrimination
It’s Sundays Christians most love in America, Sundays and things that are white. Jesus resurrected on that day, and all of Jesus’ worshipers gather on that day to kiss his ass for choosing to save them over blokes like me. Just call something white, and it gets immediate acceptance in America. White picket fences around little white houses set next to snow-capped hills are things American fairy tales are written about. But it’s all a bunch of shit made up to keep guys like me feeling guilty about wanting my fair share of the American pie. So I’m taking White Christmas to court, and I’m calling him out for his bigotry and his racial discrimination against me. I’m gonna make that bastard put my kids AND my grand kids through Harvard med school with the money I’m gonna get from him. We’ll see how superior he feels then. Bastard.”
Santa Trump Puckering His Lips In Anticipation Of Kissing Vladimir Putin’s Anus
Moscow, Russia. President-Elect Donald Trump today said he will be returning Alaska to Russia as soon as he becomes President on January 20th. “Yeah,” Trump said earlier, “Alaska was bigly purchased in 1867 by a liberal asshole named Andrew Johnson. What a fuckin’ sissy he was! I mean, COME ON! Alaska is, like, cold n’ dark, like, 14 months outta the year! Why in fuck’s name do we need to own it? Crazy, eh? So, as a Christmas gift to the greatest, and sexiest man alive, Vladimir Putin, I’m returning Alaska to Russia as soon as I become President. This gift, includes every man, woman and child living in Alaska today, AND, it includes all the oil that’s in Alaska. Really, why in George W. Bush’s name do we need oil from Alaska when we’ve oil from Texas to fuel our economy? This gift will help make America great again because it will give a piece of America to Russia and Vladimir Putin, the very things that put my orange ass into office. God bless Russia, and God bless Vladimir Putin!”
Wishing you and yours a very blessed and Merry Christmas. Love Always, The Prophet Mohammad
Santa’s Workshop, North Pole. The Prophet Mohammad appeared on TV this morning with a red beard to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. “I love Christmas,” Mohammad said. “You get lots of cool gifts; eat lots of food, and sing awesome, fun songs. What’s not to like? Oh, if anyone wants to get me a gift, I’d love one of those remote control BB8 droids from the new Star Wars movie. I love that little fella. Have a great Christmas everyone. Allahu Akbar”
Now for our latest advice column, Advice From An Average Atheist
Dear Average Atheist, my name is Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, and I want to know what your plans are for this year’s War On Christmas. Do I need to wear a bullet proof vest when going to midnight mass this year like I did last, and will atheists be sending armed drones to bomb the Vatican on Christmas morn like they did in 2012? Just wondering so I can be prepared. Yours in the Almighty Love Of Jesus Christ, Our Lord And Savior, Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy
Dear Young Billy, The Teenage Christian Boy, least you forget, this is WAR! Though I’m glad you asked your question, I can’t any more give you a direct answer to it than President Obama can tell you how and when the U.S. military will next attack ISIS. You do, however, seem to be like a nice bloke, so I’ll give you this little hint: Beware the trees on Christmas morning, Young Billy. Beware the trees. Hope this helps, and thanks for asking your question. Hope you have a safe, blessed, and very Merry Christmas this year. Yours In Insipid Evil, An Average Atheist
Anytown, New Jersey. There will be no sale on the day after Thanksgiving this year in America because Black Friday was shot 47 times by the police yesterday while walking through a white neighborhood in New Jersey and killed. “It was horrible,” said Sally Ballsman, a witness to the shooting. “Black Friday was just walking down the street when two cops walked up to him and asked him what he was doing there. When Black Friday reached into his pocket to retrieve his I.D., the two cops opened fire on him and emptied their guns into him. They then reloaded their weapons and fired them into Black Friday’s supine body until they were once again empty. I heard one officer say to the other, ‘If only black people weren’t so scary lookin, we wouldn’t have to treat ’em so harshly.’ I feel really bad for Black Friday and all the people who were looking forward to a nice sale the day after Thanksgiving. Sucks that cause of police violence against blacks we’ll have to pay full price for our Christmas presents this year.”