Jesus Christ Says, I’m Not The Son Of God, Donald Trump Is

THE Donald Has Replaced Jesus As The Son Of God

THE Donald:  Savior Of Humanity

Reality Is Real Town, Washington.  Jesus Christ today came down from Heaven to say Donald Trump is SO awesome that it is he who is God’s son and not him (Jesus).  “Can you in any way at all doubt the power and godliness that is inherent in Donald Trump,” Jesus said earlier.   “His prowess as a man, and his radiant, alpha masculinity are things that, rightly so, make Americans weak in the knees when they but gaze on him.  Donald is not only “like a smart person”, he’s really close to being one himself.  This god amongst men has reduced my sacrifice on the cross to no more than a person eating a peanut butter sandwich attempting to prove peanut butter is a better lunch food than ham.  I’m no longer necessary.  THE Donald has replaced me.  And, for those who fail to worship him and eat the feces that drops from his anus, I’ve this to say to you:  You’re idjits!  Donald is your god, you blind fools!  Worship him, and eat his shit, for if you don’t, Donald will be angry with you and call you names.  And, in a country ruled by THE Donald and his anus-kissing worshipers, there can be no sin greater than doubting the greatness of THE Donald.  A few thousand uneducated, bigoted, ignorant white male voters say this is so, and who in fuck’s name are any of you to doubt them?  God bless Freedom.  God bless THE Donald.  And God bless America!  $Amen$”

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Donald Trump: The Next Jesus

Donald Trump Says, "Like Jesus before me, I've come to this Earth to help angst-ridden, poorly educated white guys, and a few gals, take back America from pansy-ass liberals, and Republican Presidential candidates with Wicked Witch-like noses.   It's time, my fellow racists, misogynists, and xenophobes to put America back into the hands of racists, xenophobes, and misogynists.  Vote for me, and I'll outlaw all executive orders except the ones I decree.  God bless bigotry, and God bless the white, angry, American male!"

Donald Trump Says, “Like Jesus before me, I’ve come to this Earth to help angst-ridden, poorly educated white guys, and a few gals, take back America from pansy-ass liberals, and Republican Presidential candidates with Wicked Witch-like noses. It’s time, my fellow racists, misogynists, and xenophobes to put America back into the hands of racists, xenophobes, and misogynists. Vote for me, and I’ll outlaw all executive orders except the ones I decree. God bless bigotry, and God bless the white, angry, American male!”

Jesus Says, Vote For Bernie Sanders

Jesus Christ's Pick For President In 2016, Bernie Sanders

Jesus Christ’s Pick For President In 2016, Bernie Sanders

Cloud 76, Heaven.   Jesus Christ today, the Lord and Savior of all humanity, pledged his support behind Democratic Presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders.  “I love Bernie Sanders,” Jesus said this morning. “Yes, I know, he’s Jewish, but so am I.  So, deal with it.  Bernie acts in a far more Christian way than 99% of people claiming to actually be Christians.  Any way, he’s a man who is concerned with the well-being of all Americans, not just the wealthy white ones.  I like that about him.  His stance against Citizens United is a truly wonderful thing.  It’s so refreshing to hear him speak.

"Really, I mean it. Vote for Bernie Sanders." Love Always, Jesus Christ

“Really, I mean it. Vote for Bernie Sanders.”  Love Always, Jesus Christ

This is especially true after listening to Republican Candidate Ben Carson idiotically telling people the Bible is to be taken literally, or Donald Trump spewing fascist, xenophobic rhetoric to his followers.  Very unpleasant stuff.   Take the word of Jesus Christ, your Lord and Savior, and vote for Bernie Sanders.  Decent human beings everywhere will be glad you did.”

This Week’s Advice From Christ

Now for another question to Christ from one of our billions of loyal readers.

 

Dear Jesus Christ,  I hope you can help me with my problem.  I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden.  So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they're not growing.  I put them in a shady spot, the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay.  I really thought it wouldn't matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong.  They're not.  They're dying, and I'm VERY frustrated.  Why aren't you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants strong and healthy?  Am I not praying hard enough?  I'm at my wits end.  Please help me understand what I'm doing wrong.  Thank you, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

Dear Jesus Christ, I hope you can help me with my problem. I just LOVE freshly grown tomatoes picked from the garden. So, I planted a few tomato plants earlier this summer, but they’re not growing. I put them in a shady spot, and the soil I planted them in is nitrogen deprived and full of clay. I really thought it wouldn’t matter that I planted the tomatoes in such poor conditions because I pray over them daily asking you, dear Lord, to make them healthy and strong. They’re not. They’re dying, and I’m VERY frustrated. Why aren’t you answering my prayers and making my tomato plants grow strong and healthy? Am I not praying hard enough? I’m at my wit’s end. Please help me understand what I’m doing wrong.     Thank you for your prompt, pertinent reply, Republican Presidential Candidate, Jeb Bush

 

 

Dear Jeb, you're an idiot.  Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people's tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do that?  Are you insane?  You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me?  And I thought your brother and father were idiots!  Get a life, Jeb.  And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this.  Love always, your friend, Jesus

Dear Jeb, you’re an idiot. Do you honestly think I sit around all day helping people’s tomato plants grow because they pray to me to do it? Are you insane? You plant your tomatoes in poor soil, in an area with too little light, and then expect to get good fruit from them by praying to me? And I thought your brother and father were idiots! Get a life, Jeb. And stop bothering me with stupid shit like this.   Love always, your friend, Jesus Christ

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens, On Why Atheists Suck

TACP'S Republican Presidential Candidate, Dick Biggens

Fundamentalist Christian, Dick Biggens Says, Atheists Suck!

Jesus Hates Fags City, Mississippi.  Hello everyone. My name is Dick Biggens.  I’m a Fundamentalist Christian and a firm believer that, not only will atheists one day burn in Hell beneath the sandal-ed feet of Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, they also suck.  I have five specific points on why atheists suck, but before I list them, I will first define for you exactly what an atheist is.  An atheist is any person who has not accepted Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Lord and Savior.  The only thing worse than an atheist in the eyes of Jesus are faggots.  Faggots are so despicable in Jesus’ eyes that, even if they accept Him as their Lord and Savior, He will still hate them for being faggots and burn them in the fires of Hell for eternity after they die.  And now, here is my list of ten reasons why atheists suck.

1.) Atheists suck because they are all faggots.  As I stated above, Jesus, Our All Loving Savior, hates nothing more than faggots.  Thus, since Jesus hates faggots AND atheists, all atheists are faggots.  See?  Simple.

2.) Atheists suck because they do not bow down and kiss the asses of Fundamentalist Christians the way Jesus demands they do.  We like our asses kissed and hate those who refuse to kiss them.  Nothing faggy about this, we just love the feel of warm lips on our Fundamentalist Christian asses, male and female.

3.) Atheists suck because they refuse to read the Bible correctly.  The correct way to read the Bible is our way.  Not reading the Bible our way is a sign that atheists are lazy, uneducated ninnies whose hearts are black and full of sticky, gooey, bile.  Also, since atheists refuse to read the Bible our way, it proves they are not open to reason, and horrible at doing research into why our way of reading the Bible is the ONLY way to read the Bible.  idjits.  The whole sucky lot of ’em.

4.) Atheists suck because they lack any sense of morality.  It is well-known within Fundamentalist Christian circles that all atheists are cannibals.  In particular, they enjoy eating little babies that they’ve ripped from the wombs of good, Fundamentalist Christian women.  Only people without morals would do this, and, as I stated earlier, atheists have no morals.  A person with no morals is also a cannibal.  Atheists have no morals.  Therefor, all atheists are cannibals.  Solid reasoning, is it not?

5.) Lastly, for today, I’ll leave you with this immaculate bit of Fundamentalist Christian reasoning.  People who do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their true Savior, suck.  Atheists do not accept Our All Loving Lord, Jesus Christ, as their Savior.  Therefor, all atheists suck.

Yours in Our All Loving Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, Dick Biggens.

Diaper Christ Wore On The Cross Sold On eBay

 Diaper Then

The Holy Diaper Then

Just in time for Easter, the diaper Christ wore while nailed to the cross on Golgotha was sold today on eBay for an undisclosed sum of money. The man who bought the soiled, bloody diaper, Richard Glas’unful, had this to say about his purchase: “I wanted to possess this macabre and disturbing artifact connected to Christ’s last agonizing hours on Earth for two reasons.

 Diaper Now

The Holy Diaper Now

One, I’m a card-carrying sadistic sociopath, raised to love Our Lord And Savior, Jesus Christ, and owning his bloody, crap-stained diaper really gets me off. Two, I want to hang the diaper in my front window every Easter season to illustrate to all who see it the true meaning of Easter. Easter’s true meaning has nothing to do with bunnies, candies, hams, or annoying little brats running about collecting stinky-ass eggs. No, the REAL meaning of Easter, its TRUE meaning, is that Jesus Christ was crucified in a diaper, a diaper, mind you, in which he shat not only feces, but blood, for us, so that we could be forgiven, by God, for the sin of apple-eating committed by Adam and that devious woman, Eve, thousands of years before any of us were even born. THAT is the true meaning of Easter, and it is found in the holy diaper of Christ which I bought today. Amen, and Hallelujah! Praise be His holy, shit-stained, diaper!”

Should A-theists Be Allowed To Sit At The Front Of The Bus?

Congress will be debating today what Christians have coined the “Baby-Eater Bill.” It’s a bill which will give a-theists some of the same rights as Christians, if passed, and it’s made some of those Christians very angry. One such Christian is Tom Crabkrotch, an Alabama 7/11 manager and loving follower of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Tom Crabkrotch: Angry Christian

Tom Crabkrotch: Angry Christian

“Mother fucking a-theists are the spawn of Satan and should be flayed slowly alive on National TV, not given the same rights as God’s chosen people,” Mr. Crabkrotch said yesterday. “Those fucking sick, twisted pricks want to sit on the front of the bus like normal people, and drink, now get this, out of the SAME drinking fountains as we Christians do. What the fuck kinda shit is that?! I don’t know about you all, but I’d rather pour lye on my cock than drink out of a fountain one of those baby eatin’ mother fuckers drank from. A piece of baby flesh might fall out of their fangs when they’re drinkin’. That’s sick, man! I DO NOT want to have chewed baby flesh staring up at me when I lean down to take a drink of water. That’s nasty! Now look, I don’t mean to sound judgmental, or have anyone think my heart isn’t full of love for these godless pieces of shit, but they’ve chosen to be non-believers. No one held a gun to their head and said, ‘Don’t believe, or else.’ It’s their own fault they’re hated by Jesus. Jesus doesn’t say anywhere in the Bible that, ‘Thou shalt love stupid fucks who think I don’t exist!’, does he? And since he doesn’t, it’s perfectly logical to assume he wants non-believers to be hated and stuck on pikes from church walls, not sitting next to normal people on the bus.

 Message To Christians

Message To Christians

Lastly, if we allow these deluded fuck heads these rights, who’s to say that they won’t want the right to be legally married next? It’s a slippery slope we’re on once non-believing, sub-human, cannibal a-theists start being granted the same rights as Christians. It may even lead to these demons eventually wanting the right to VOTE! Could you imagine that?! Mother fucking a-theists voting. Fuck! What a horrible thought. Well, that’s my two cents on the matter. I hope you all have a beautiful day now, surrounded in the warmth and love of Jesus, who loves everyone. Well, everyone but a-theists, gays, Jews, and Democrats that is.”