Bible-Is-Literal-Town, Ohio. A crazed Christian man today, via the word of Yahweh, brought his 6-year-old son to the town square and attempted to cut out his heart for the Lord with a big, nasty-looking knife. Several police rushed in on him and took the knife away before he could kill the boy. The man is now in a mental hospital and on several anti-psychotic drugs. Yahweh has been nowhere to be seen, as usual. This report has been brought to you by humans who love Yahweh because he’s more real than reality.
Attention-Seeking City, Minnesota. A local man named Geoffrey I. Aint-lyin’ reported that he saw, and photographed, Jesus Christ and his pops, Yahweh, earlier today in a YMCA locker room. “I was walkin’ outta da shower when suddenly, right in front of me, walks Jesus and Yahweh. They both had halos over their heads, and they smelled like that incense stuff ‘dey burn in church on Sundays. I asked ’em, ‘Hey! Are you guys really Jesus and Yahweh?’ And dey says, ‘Yes we are my son. Is there anything we can do to help you?’ I was so shocked all I could think of was to take out my phone and ask if I could take their picture. They said yes, and I did. Unfortunately, the locker room was kinda steamy, so the pic’s kinda blurry, but I assure you, that’s really Jesus and Yahweh you’re lookin’ at. After I took the picture they opened a window and ascended through it into the heavens. I’m kinda kickin’ myself right now though ’cause my brother lost both his legs in Iraq. So, I shoulda asked ’em to give him back his legs instead of just askin’ fer a friggin’ picture. Oh, well, live ‘n learn, eh? Live ‘n learn.”
Here are a few pics of folks from the Bible looking stunning in ascots.
1.) John the Baptist
4.) Saint Peter
5.) Judas Iscariot
1.) Baby Jesus:
4.) The Virgin Mary:
Now for another new advice column: Ask Yahweh.
Greetings, Pontificator readers. I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible. Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
2.) The Holy Spirit
3.) St. Paul
4.) Baby Jesus
5.) Mary Magdalene
Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.
Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.” I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.
She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’
So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’ She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’
No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers. You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”
And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!