Yahweh Tells Man To Kill Son, Man Put In Mental Hospital

"Kill that fuckin' boy," says The Lord of Love, Yahweh

“Kill that fuckin’ boy,” says The Lord of Love, Yahweh

Bible-Is-Literal-Town, Ohio.   A crazed Christian man today, via the word of Yahweh, brought his 6-year-old son to the town square and attempted to cut out his heart for the Lord with a big, nasty-looking knife.  Several police rushed in on him and took the knife away before he could kill the boy.  The man is now in a mental hospital and on several anti-psychotic drugs.  Yahweh has been nowhere to be seen, as usual.   This  report has been brought to you by humans who love Yahweh because he’s more real than reality.

Jesus And Yahweh Spotted In Local YMCA

Yahweh And Jesus

Yahweh And Jesus

Attention-Seeking City, Minnesota.    A local man named Geoffrey I. Aint-lyin’ reported that he saw, and photographed, Jesus Christ and his pops, Yahweh, earlier today in a YMCA locker room.  “I was walkin’ outta da shower when suddenly, right in front of me, walks Jesus and Yahweh.  They both had halos over their heads, and they smelled like that incense stuff ‘dey burn in church on Sundays.  I asked ’em, ‘Hey! Are you guys really Jesus and Yahweh?’  And dey says, ‘Yes we are my son.  Is there anything we can do to help you?’  I was so shocked all I could think of was to take out my phone and ask if I could take their picture.  They said yes, and I did.  Unfortunately, the locker room was kinda steamy, so the pic’s kinda blurry, but I assure you, that’s really Jesus and Yahweh you’re lookin’ at.  After I took the picture they opened a window and ascended through it into the heavens.  I’m kinda kickin’ myself right now though ’cause my brother lost both his legs in Iraq.  So, I shoulda asked ’em to give him back his legs instead of just askin’ fer a friggin’ picture.  Oh, well, live ‘n learn, eh?  Live ‘n learn.”

Bible Folks In Ascots

Here are a few pics of folks from the Bible looking stunning in ascots.

1.) John the Baptist

He looked so amazing in this ascot, I barely noticed John the Baptist was missing his head.

He looks so stupendous in this lovely ascot, you barely notice his missing head.

 

2.) Yahweh

The Godfather of All Things has never looked more content than he does sporting this fabulous ascot.

The Godfather of All Things has never looked more content than he does sporting this fabulous ascot.

 

3.) Jesus

The Son of Man looks about as "GQ" as one can get wearing this masculinely patterned ascot.

The Son of Man looks about as “GQ” as one can get wearing this masculinely patterned ascot.

 

4.) Saint Peter

Though he looks a tad dainty in this white, fluffy ascot, Christ still built his church upon this rock of a man.

Though he looks a tad dainty in this white, fluffy ascot, Christ still built his church upon this rock of a man.

 

5.) Judas Iscariot

Apparently this fallen Apostle spent all 30 pieces of the silver he received to betray Jesus on this striking blue ascot and suit jacket.

Apparently this fallen Apostle spent all 30 pieces of the silver he received to betray Jesus on this striking blue ascot and suit jacket.

Christmas Wishes From The Bible

1.) Baby Jesus:

Baby Jesus says, "It's my birthday, and I'll cry if I want to. Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!"

“Merry Christmas.  It’s my birthday, and I’ll cry if I want to.  Now, would someone PLEASE change my god damn diaper!”

 

2.) Lazarus:

"Merry Christmas, y'all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I'm around."

“Merry Christmas, y’all. I hope your holiday will be better than mine. I have to spend mine alone cause I smell like rotting flesh and death. Kinda spoils the fun for others when I’m around.”

 

3.) Yahweh:

"Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I'm God! I don't have to wear clothes on Christmas or any other day, either! Ha! Ha! It's good ta be God!"

“Merry Christmas everyone. Look at me! Look at me! I’m God! I don’t ever have to wear clothes, even on Christmas! Ha! Ha! It’s good ta be God!”

 

4.) The Virgin Mary:

"Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I'm pregnant and he ain't the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?"

“Like, Merry Christmas peeps. I just told my husband I’m pregnant and he ain’t the pops, God is, and he fainted! Pretty hilarious, eh?”

Ask Yahweh

Now for another new advice column: Ask Yahweh.

Dear Yahweh, my name is Daisy Sue McGiggles, and I was wondering why there's so much pain and suffering in the world? You created it, right? So why did my Grannie have to die last year, and why is my Daddy always grouchy when he comes home from work? Why, Yahweh? Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Oh, one last thing, please have a Merry Christmas, OK? Love always, Your Creation, Daisy Sue McGiggles

Dear Yahweh, my name is Daisy Sue McGiggles, and I was wondering why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world? You created the world and made it like this, right?  So why did my Granny have to die last year, and why is my Daddy always grouchy when he comes home from work? Why, Yahweh? Why?! Why?! Why?!  Oh, one last thing, please have a Merry Christmas, OK?   Love always, Your Creation, Daisy Sue McGiggles

 

Dear Daisy Sue McGiggles, up yer nose with a friggin' rubber hose, OK?! How the fudge sticks are you to ask me friggin' questions like those? What are you, like 3 years old? I tell ya' what Daisy Sue, you seem like a good lass so I'm gonna let your REALLY annoying questions pass this time. But the next time you ask me a question without kissing my old, wrinkled butt and swearing your undying love to me FIRST, I'm gonna turn yer Mom into a spider and yer Teddy Bear into a flesh eating ghoul. Ya' got it, kiddo? I'm Yahweh, dammit! And I'm NOT to be questioned! I'm the King and I do what I want, OK? Oh, and I hope you and your family have a blessed and safe Christmas, too. Love always, your Creator, Yahweh.

Dear Daisy Sue McGiggles, up yer nose with a friggin’ rubber hose, OK?!  Who the fudge sticks are you to ask ME friggin’ questions like those?  What are you, like 3 years old?  I tell ya’ what Daisy Sue, you seem like a good lass so I’m gonna let your REALLY annoying questions pass this time.  But the next time you ask me a question without kissing my old, wrinkled butt and swearing your undying love to me FIRST, I’m gonna turn yer Mom into a spider and yer Teddy Bear into a flesh-eating ghoul.  Ya’ got that, kiddo?  I’m Yahweh, dammit!  YAH-FRICKIN’-WEH!  And I’m NOT to be questioned!  I be da King, and I do what I want, when I want. OK?  Oh, and I hope you and your family have a blessed and safe Christmas, too.   Love Always, Your Creator, Yahweh

Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

Lucifer Thrown Out Of Heaven, Again

Here’s a re-post of one of my favorite posts.

Lucifer, Lord of Hell, called me this morning just as I was getting out of the shower. “Dude,” he said rather excitedly, “you will NEVER believe what happened to me yesterday.”  I assured him I would believe whatever he had to tell me because I already believed I was actually speaking to the Devil. “Alright then, man, get a load of this. Jesus calls me on my cell yesterday as I’m dipping Fred Phelps in and out of boiling oil and tells me my mom was in a car accident and is in the hospital.

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

Lucifer: The Twice Tossed Angel

She sustained a concussion, so they’re keeping her a few days for observation, he says. Then he asks, ‘Do you want to come up to see her?’ I said yes, of course, but reminded him his dad, as he well knew, would not be too keen on me being in Heaven, no matter what the reason. ‘I know, my Pop sure knows how to hold a grudge. But it’s your mom, and she’d certainly cheer up if she saw you. Just meet me by Pearly Gate entrance # 56A, and I’ll get you in and out without him ever knowing about it,’ Jesus says to me. So, I ask my associate, Hitler, to take over Mr. Phelps’ torture, hop on an elevator, hit the button marked, ‘top’, and, a few minutes later, I’m in Heaven. Jesus grabs me by the arm as soon I step off the elevator and tosses a Jedi-type robe on me. He says, ‘Keep the hood up until we get to your mom’s room, OK, Obi-Wan?’

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

Jesus Driving His Convertible On The Water

So I flip up the hood, walk briskly with Jesus to his car, and we drive off to the hospital. By the way, if anyone ever asks, Jesus drives a ’67 red convertible Mustang, and it’s in beautiful condition. It’s good to be god, eh? Anyway, we get to the hospital and go to my mom’s room. She just about died of joy when she saw me. ‘Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you for bringing me my boy! Oh, thank you, Lord!’ She repeated, over and over. Then I held her and told her it was great to see her. ‘Are you getting enough to eat down in Hell, Lucie?’  She asks me. ‘You look like a skeleton. LOOK AT YOU! NO MEAT! NONE! You have to EAT, Lucie! EAT! You’ll waste away to dust down there with all that fire if you don’t. You need your mother. I wish you were up here by me instead of living in that hell you live in. I simply will NEVER forgive Yahweh for tossing you down there like he did. Oy vey, but he can be such an ass! You kids better get running though, speaking of Yahweh, before he finds out Lucie’s up here and throws a fit.’

Lucy, Lucifer's Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

Lucy, Lucifer’s Mom, On Her 100th B-Day

No sooner did my mom say that than a booming voice so loud it shook the building said, ‘What the hell are YOU doing up HERE, Lucifer!? Jesus, if you had ANYTHING to do with this, I’m cutting you out of my will and giving your inheritance to Peter.’ Yahweh then made the roof of the hospital disappear, lifted me up and out of my mom’s room with his god-like will power, and tossed me down an elevator shaft into Hell, for the SECOND time in my life! What are the odds on that ever happening to someone, eh? So, you Mr. Pontificator, must write it down for your readers.  You’re the only one with enough credibility for people to believe it.”

And that is exactly what I just did. Imperious Rex!