Rio, Not An American City. For the first time since Gold Fish Racing was introduced to the Summer Olympics in 1978, an American goldfish has won the gold. “I’ve been practicing since I was no bigger than a guppy to be the fastest swimming goldfish in the world, and now, that dream has finally become reality for me,” said Gold Medal winner, Gerry “Wet” Scales. “I’d like to thank my moms and pops for all their support over the years. They taught me that with perseverance and a diet of fresh blood worms, anything is possible. I’ve never been prouder to be a goldfish and an American. This is just so AWESOME! As soon as I get home, I’m taking my girlfriend to Disney Land to celebrate.”
My dog is addicted to rabbits. Every time we go for a walk, I come home with a sore arm from having her pull me as she searches for, finds, and tries to chase after rabbits. She looks under bushes, behind iron fences, and in flower beds in her continual quest to find and chase rabbits. I don’t know what she’d do if she caught one, probably pass out from the pure joy of the experience, but she’s a very kind and playful pup and I doubt she’d intentionally try to kill it. I tell you, my dog is the greatest thing in my life. What a joyful, happy friend she is to me, far better than most of the people I know. I’d truly be lost without her.
Meow Mix Central, South Dakota. A professional cat juggler today, Ned Kneeler, quite his job after being scratched on the arm whilst twirling 3 cats in the air simultaneously. “It REALLY hurt,” Mr. Kneeler said earlier. “I reached out to take hold of one of the cats, and it scratched my arm. The pain was so severe, as was the shock of what had just happened to me, that I almost dropped the three cats I was juggling on the ground. I didn’t, and they’re all safe, but I’m done juggling cats for a living. I’ve been doing it ever since I learned how from a traveling gypsy woman almost 30 years ago. If I’d had known then what I do now, that cats don’t like to be juggled and can scratch you while you’re doing it, I’d have found a different way to make my living. I’m out of the cat juggling business as of today. Luckily, I still have a thriving infant juggling business to keep me afloat until I find something else to do. I wonder if puppy juggling might not be safer?”
Zygote Valley, North Carolina. A 10 month old boy today, Little Timmy Taun-Taun, was shocked to discover he’s actually only 9 months old. “My mom screwed up,” Little Timmy said whilst having his diaper changed. “She has a form of dyslexia that causes her to confuse one month with another. So, though my mom thought I was born on September 9th of 2015, it was actually October 9th of 2015 when I was born. She figured this out when she more carefully looked over my birth certificate, something she probably should have done much sooner given her condition. Any way, she apologized to me for the mistake, and I’ve forgiven her. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my bottle.”
The Invisible Man stopped by our Tokyo office the other day with a few selfies he wanted us to show to our readers. Here they are for your perusal.
An Online Record of his Hate Speech Including Anti-gay Propaganda and the Minimising of Child Rape.
Where are we going today?
by E.B. de Mas, reachable at: email@example.com
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