Animal Talk

“Say that again, pal, and I will KICK YOUR ASS!!! I’m serious, buddy! I’ve studied Kung Fu in China for years, and I am one BAD and DANGEROUS puppy! Hiiiiii…..YAAAAA!!!!”

 

“If you give me my toothbrush back right this minute, I’ll forget you ever took it. So, just put the god damned thing in my hand, walk away, and it’ll all be forgotten. OK?”

 

“I…um…I’m…..um…I’m looking for a nice shirt ‘n tie, but….well… but…see….I kinda have a….well….a neck issue in that…well… I don’t truly have much of a neck. So…um…if anyone out there has a nice men’s shirt with a child’s neck size, kin I have it?  Please?”

 

“And I thought working for FedEx was humiliating.”

 

“Look deeply into my eyes. Deeper. Deeper. Now, relax and reach for your wallet. Take out all of your money and credit cards and place them in front of me; then turn around and go home and go to sleep. Tomorrow you will NOT remember meeting a talking monkey in the park who hypnotized you into giving him your money. Good bye.”

 

“Could you please repeat that? I didn’t hear you right. Did you make some sort of a wise-ass remark about my ears? I find it truly rude when people make fun of my ears. So don’t. OK.”

 

 

Chicken Lays Duck Egg Is Stunned As To How

“How In Fuck’s Name Did THIS Happen,” Says Surprised Chicken That Laid Duck Egg

Amazing City, Alabama.  In stunning news today a chicken, owned by a farmer named Henry Yankmeoff, laid a duck, and not a chicken egg.   “This is just shocking,” said Farmer Yankmeoff.  Neither I, nor my chicken, have a bloody clue as to how such a miraculous thing could have happened, but this morning, at about 5AM, my chicken laid a duck’s egg.  “This is truly miraculous.”  When Farmer Yankmeoff was asked how he and his chicken knew that it was a duck egg and not a chicken egg that was laid, Farmer Yankmeoff replied,”Because the egg was laid quacked you silly goose!”

A Few Naked Pictures

I think those folks are staring at us ’cause we’re naked. Bark at ’em or somethin’ and maybe they’ll go away.

 

Are you sure this is how the French do it?

 

Listen, I’m just too tired to put anything on right now, so you’ll just have to deal with it.

 

Yeah, I thought this was a nude beach, and it isn’t.  So sue me!

 

Say, Sailor, why don’t ya’ come up and see me sometime.

 

Maybe if I stand here really, really still, no one will notice I’m not wearing anything.

 

Well, I’m doing what you told me to do, but I still think we’re doing this wrong.

American Goldfish Wins Gold At Rio Olympics

Gold Medal Winner, Gerry Scales

Gold Medal Winner, Gerry Scales

Rio, Not An American City.    For the first time since Gold Fish Racing was introduced to the Summer Olympics in 1978, an American goldfish has won the gold.   “I’ve been practicing since I was no bigger than a guppy to be the fastest swimming goldfish in the world, and now, that dream has finally become reality for me,” said Gold Medal winner, Gerry “Wet” Scales.   “I’d like to thank my moms and pops for all their support over the years.  They taught me that with perseverance and a diet of fresh blood worms, anything is possible.  I’ve never been prouder to be a goldfish and an American.  This is just so AWESOME!  As soon as I get home, I’m taking my girlfriend to Disney Land to celebrate.”

 

My Dog Is Addicted To Rabbits

My Dog's Idea Of Heaven

My Dog’s Idea Of Heaven

My dog is addicted to rabbits.  Every time we go for a walk, I come home with a sore arm from having her pull me as she searches for, finds, and tries to chase after rabbits.   She looks under bushes, behind iron fences, and in flower beds in her continual quest to find and chase rabbits.  I don’t know what she’d do if she caught one, probably pass out from the pure joy of the experience, but she’s a very kind and playful pup and I doubt she’d intentionally try to kill it.   I tell you, my dog is the greatest thing in my life.   What a joyful, happy friend she is to me, far better than most of the people I know.   I’d truly be lost without her.

Man Quits Job As Cat Juggler After Being Scratched

Ned Kneeler Plying His Former Trade

Ned Kneeler Plying His Former Trade

Meow Mix Central, South Dakota.   A professional cat juggler today, Ned Kneeler, quite his job after being scratched on the arm whilst twirling 3 cats in the air simultaneously.   “It REALLY hurt,” Mr. Kneeler said earlier.  “I reached out to take hold of one of the cats, and it scratched my arm.   The pain was so severe, as was the shock of what had just happened to me, that I almost dropped the three cats I was juggling on the ground.  I didn’t, and they’re all safe, but I’m done juggling cats for a living.   I’ve been doing it ever since I learned how from a traveling gypsy woman almost 30 years ago.   If I’d had known then what I do now, that cats don’t like to be juggled and can scratch you while you’re doing it, I’d have found a different way to make my living.  I’m out of the cat juggling business as of today.  Luckily, I still have a thriving infant juggling business to keep me afloat until I find something else to do.  I wonder if puppy juggling might not be safer?”