I Worked Security On Noah’s Ark, Says Hamster

Crazy City, Montana.  A cute little teddy bear hamster named Ezekiel stopped by the Pontificator office yesterday and told me that not only was he a passenger on Noah’s Ark, he was its chief of security. I asked him if he’d do an interview for the site, and he said, “Wadda tink I stopped by ‘fer, pal?” Below is a transcript of the first ever interview with a 4000 year old talking hamster.

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah's Ark

Meet Ezekiel: Security Chief, Noah’s Ark

Ezekiel: Okee dokee, pal.  Before you even ask a question, I’ll answer a few dat I’m sure are on yer mind. Yes, I am a hamster, and I’m 4000 years old. Da only way I kin explain my longevity to ya is dis: I age the way folks in da Old Testament did, really friggin’ slow. How? I don’t know, but I ain’t complainin’ ’cause I love livin’. And yes, I kin talk, if ya ain’t noticed. Odd ya say? Not fer Old Testament times. All da animals talked back then. Not often, mind ya. Weren’t no need, usually. But you kin bet yer booty we talked when we was stuck on dat Ark fer all those months. Hell, we even put on a couple shows ‘n sung a few tunes. Woulda been a boring ass trip otherwise. OK, now dat dat’s outta da way, go ‘head ‘n ask yer questions.

ACP: Sure, but first, would you mind if I picked you up so I could hear you better and we can see eye to eye? I feel uncomfortable leering down at you like this.

Ezekiel: No problem at all, Bud. On da Ark, Captain Noah always held me up to his face when I gave ’em my daily security report, so I’m used to it. Man, I really miss dat ‘ole son of a sea cook.

ACP: (After picking up Ezekiel) I guess I’ll start with Noah then, now that you’ve mentioned him. What was he like?

Noah, Ironically, Looked Like Russell Crowe

Noah, Ironically, Really Did Look Like Russell Crowe

Ezekiel: Oh, he was a great guy, and get dis fer irony, he ‘n Russel Crowe coulda been twins, they look so much alike, had they not been born four millennia apart, dat is. Only complaint I ever heard ’bout ’em was dat his singin’ wasn’t all dat great in da musicals we did on da Ark. Dat’s pretty friggin’ ironic, too, when ya think about it, eh?

ACP: It is. And the other irony here is your timing. Russell Crowe’s movie, “Noah”, opens on Friday, and here you are giving an interview about what it was like on the real Ark two days before it opens. This isn’t some kind of cheap attempt at publicity is it?

Ezekiel: (After picking up his rifle and pointing it at my nose) Listen, Bud, I don’t take kindly ta folks questioning my integrity. You do dat again, an’ I’ll shot ya right in yer kisser! Ya catch my meanin’, Bud?

ACP: I do, and I’m sorry. Just is ironic timing is all. Anyway, I can see why Noah picked you to be head of security. For such a little guy, you’ve got a heck of a pair on you. Who or which animal or animals gave you the most trouble on the Ark? And, did any brew ha ha’s ever break out between the herbivores and the carnivores. I always pondered that question.

Ezekiel: (After placing his weapon back down.) Ta tell ya da truth, Bud, the biggest pains in my arse were da damn ducks. Talk about yer friggin’ prima donna’s. Nottin’ we did fer ’em was ever good enough. Quack, bloody quack, dis, and quack bloody quack, dat! Every friggin’ two minutes. ‘Our toilet runs. Fix it! Our food is the wrong brand of duck feed. Fix it! Our feathers are rumpled. Get a professional feather stylist an’ fix ’em!’

Ducks Were Prima Donna's On Noah's Ark

Ducks Were Prima Donna’s On Noah’s Ark

Moses, but they were a pain! I mean, no one else complained about things. Not da lions or da tigers or da bears, oh my! Everyone realized, dat with out dat ark, we was screwed. And bad. Even ducks kin only float ‘n drift fer so long ‘fore they gotta go onta land fer stuff. They really needed ta chill. But,’cept fer them, things were OK ‘tween everyone, and da carnivores were cool about not eatin’ the herbivores. They realized they needed ’em ta restock their food supply once da Ark came upon land again. Oh, and ‘fore I forget, there was no olive branch brought by a dove that informed us there was land. It was a huge-ass black sea snake named Henry who told us. He got the job of lookin’ ahead fer land after the dove who was doing it got fired for coming back drunk every time he went out. Rumor is he found an abandoned raft drifting about that had several barrels of grain alcohol on it. You know you have a drinking problem when you put your booze on a raft during a world ending rain storm before yourself. Oh, it’s later than I thought. I gotta run. Got a date with a sexy gerbil I meet yesterday.

ACP: Thanks for coming by, Ezekiel. Glad to have met you. Please don’t be a stranger, and stop by again. I’ve more questions I’d like to ask you.

Ezekiel:   I will, Bud. Take care, and thanks fer listenin’. Tootles!

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Abraham’s Babysitting Service

Abraham: Best Damn Father EVER!

Abraham: Best Damn Father EVER!

Sacrifice City, California.   Is your baby holding back your social life?  Do you need a break from all those “parental” responsibilities that are simply wearing you the fuck out?  Well, then we’ve got just the thing for you.  Abraham’s Baby Sitting Service.  Abraham, yes, THAT Abraham, has returned to Earth to offer his services as a babysitter, for the nominal fee of $65.95 per hour, to parents who need a good ole fashioned break from, well, parenting.  Who better to leave your child with than the decrepit old fart who almost killed his son because “God” told him to?   How many babysitters do you know who can even claim to have spoken to God at all, eh?  None that we can think of, that’s for sure.  So, if you feel it’s time for a break from your child, simply leave him in the hands of the guy God spoke to and said: “STOP!  Don’t cut your boy’s throat.  I was just fuckin’ with ya!”  Book an appointment to have Abe watch your child today at http://www.godtalks2abe.com, and receive, absolutely free,  a shiny new, solid silver, steak-carving knife.  Oh, and remember, tell Abe the Pontificator sent ya’.

Now A Quote From Moses

My Agent Just Called And Said They Loved My Audition, But I Didn't Look "Jewish" Enough To Play Tevye In Fiddler On The Roof. WTF Are They Looking For? I'm MOSES For Christ Sake!  You Can't Get More Jewish Than Me!

My Agent Just Called And Said They Loved My Audition, But I Wasn’t “Jewish” Enough To Play Tevye In Their Production Of Fiddler On The Roof. WTF Are They Talking About?! I’m MOSES For Christ Sake! You Can’t Get More Friggin’ Jewish Than Me!

A Day In The Life Of The Holy Spirit

Holy_Spirit

From The Journal of The Holy Spirit

20 November, 2014

8:15 AM: Awoke with a hangover the size of Asia. No more late night bar hopping with Jesus. Ever since Mary Magdalene dumped him for St. Peter, he’s been on a non-stop bender. He’s toxic to be around right now, and I’ve things that I need to do with a clear head.

10:00 AM: Went to pick up God’s dry cleaning only it wasn’t ready when we were told it would be. He’s gonna be PISSED! I guess the folks who own the dry cleaner we use haven’t read The Old Testament. They’re gonna be sorry they didn’t.

12:00 PM: Flew into the window of an eighteen year old virgin French gal and told her God had sent me to impregnate her with another son of His. I was lying, of course, but she didn’t know that. We had some awesome sex, then I took her out for lunch. We had brats and beer. Nice gal, but I forgot her name already. I’ve been doing shit like this every few days for 3000 years now, and my memory isn’t what it used to be.

4:00 PM: Drove Moses to a dentist appointment. Dude’s getting senile in his old age and tried to eat a shelled walnut with his teeth. He cracked a molar down to the root. Dentist says it’ll be at least three more visits before it’s fixed.

7:00 PM: Jesus called and wanted me to go out drinking with him again. I said no, and he started crying. I said no again, and he threatened to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. It wouldn’t work, but God would be pissed if I let him just jump, so I’m on my way to pick him up now.

10:00 PM: Dropped Jesus off at his condo and put him to bed with his favorite Teddy Bear and a glass of warm milk. Told him Mary Magdalene was a bitch for dumping him, and there were more fish in the sea for him to date once he felt up to it. He fell asleep and I drove home.

11:30 PM: Brushed my teeth with my new Superman electric tooth-brush; slipped into my satin robe, and settled down with a fine glass of Merlot. Tomorrow I’m going with God to help Him pick out a new SUV, so I’m nodding off now. I’ll need my rest if I’m to help Him haggle with car salesmen over prices. Pure evil those guys are. Good night.

Sexy Pics Of Famous People From The Bible

Robert Mapplethorpe, the erotica photographer who gained fame in the ’80’s with his photos depicting the gay BDSM lifestyle, stopped by my office today with some sexy pics of people from the Bible he’s taken since his arrival in Heaven. He heard Moses had shared some of his personal photographs with my readers, and, after first getting permission from his models, he decided he’d like to share some of his. And here they are. Hope you enjoy them.

Judas Iscariot: "Oops! The Button's Come Off My Pants. Whatever Shall I Do?"

Judas Iscariot: “Oops! The Button’s Come Off My Pants. Whatever Shall I Do?”

 

Sarah & Hagar: Hello Boys. We Were Out Hunting For Something Really, Really Big And All Our Clothes Fell Off

Sarah & Hagar: “Hello Boys. We Were Out Hunting For Something Really, Really Big When All Our Clothes Fell Off”

 

Apostle Mark: Does My Ass Look Fat In This Outfit?

Apostle Mark: “Does My Ass Look Fat In This Outfit?”

 

Jacob: Listen Up Bitches! I'm 4000 Years Old; I'll Dress As I Damn Well Please

Jacob: “Listen Up Bitches! I’m 4000 Years Old; I’ll Dress As I Damn Well Please”

 

Matthew & Luke: Meow! We're Two Little Frisky Kittens. Rub Our Bellies And We'll Purr For You

Matthew & Luke: “Meow! We’re Two Little Frisky Kittens. Rub Our Bellies And We’ll Purr For You”

 

Mary Magdalene: Jesus, I Hear You've Been A Naughty, Naughty Boy

Mary Magdalene: “Jesus, I Hear You’ve Been A Naughty, Naughty Boy”

 

God: I Fail To See How Any Of This Is Appropriate Much Less Funny

God: “I Fail To See How Any Of This Is Appropriate Much Less Funny”

Vintage Photos Of People From The Bible

Check out these vintage pics of people from the Bible that Moses dropped off at my office this morning.  He says he found them in an old sock drawer yesterday and wanted to share them. Give ’em a look; I think you’ll like ’em.

Virgin Mary's Facebook Picture, circa 1929

Virgin Mary’s Facebook Picture, circa 1929

 

Baby Lucifer Down Wind Of Baby Jesus

Baby Lucifer, Up Wind Of Baby Jesus

 

Joseph, Baby Jesus, And Mary In New York, circa 1927

Joseph, Baby Jesus, And Mary In New York, circa 1927

 

Mary Madelene: "Like What You See, Jesus?"

Mary Magdalene: “Like What You See, Jesus?”

 

God's First Wife, Rosalind, Teaching Baby Angel Gabriel How To Blow His Horn

God’s First Wife, Rosalind, Teaching A Baby Angel Gabriel How To Blow His Horn

 

Baby Moses In His Basket Seconds After Being Found.

Baby Moses, In His Basket, Seconds After Being Found in The Nile.

An Interview With Adam, The First Man…Ever, Pt 1

TACP is proud to present, for the first time in the history of humanity, an interview with Adam, the first ever man.

ACP: Welcome, Adam. And thanks for agreeing to do this interview.

Adam: Yep. No problemo, por favor, Senioritio bandito! Hey, dude. Do you mind if I fire up a dube while we’re talkin’? It’ll help me come down from all the coke I snorted last night. I’m fuckin’ jonezin’, man! JONEZING!!!

ACP: Well, this is a no smoking building, Adam, and I’m certain that policy covers refer. So please, don’t fire up the dube. I don’t want to pay a fine.

Adam, The First Man, Telling His Story

Adam, The First Man, Telling His Story

Adam: Fuck man! You are such a fuckin’ Momma’s boy! Do you ALWAYS follow the rules adults make for you? Shit. If you’d have been in Eden way back in the day, I bet your ass would have said “no” to Eve when she said, “Fuck God. He’s an asshole. Let’s eat a fucking apple.” Fuck, dude! Where’d civilization be now if some shit like that had happened? Huh? Where, dude? Where? Gone, man! Gone! And, hey, don’t worry ’bout the dube. I’ll just pop a few of these Oxycontin, and I’ll be good ta go.

ACP: I never realized you were such a fan of pharmaceuticals, Adam. What does your wife, Eve, have to say about that?

Adam: Eve? Wife? Fuck, Einstein, that bitch dumped my ass and divorced me the second we left Eden. Told me I was, “uncouth” and “lacked strong morals.” Fuckin’ hoochie momma! How dare she!? If I hadn’t told God she forced me, at gun point, mind you, to eat that fucking apple, where’d she be now, huh? Where? In Paradise with God! That’s where! In Paradise with an old man, pervert God who used to peek at ‘er when she showered AND when she peed. I know, dude! I was fuckin’ there peekin’ with him! Fuck, it was my idea even. “God,” I says ta God one day, ” Have you ever seen the ass you made for Eve up close? I mean UP CLOSE? It’s a fuckin’ MASTER PIECE, DUDE! A fuckin’ work of art worthy of a God like you, man. Come by when she’s showerin’, dude, and we’ll spy on ‘er.” So one day, God comes by while Eve’s in the shower, and the two us spy on her naked ass through a hole I made in the room adjoining the shower stall. Hot fuckin’ times, dude. Hot fuckin’ times!

ACP: So you’re telling me that you and God, The Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, spied on Eve, your wife, while she showered in Eden? Is that what you’re saying?

Adam: Yes. Why? Do you have a fuckin’ problem with it or something, momma’s boy?

End Part One