Global warming? Global warming?! Let me f**ckin’ tell YOU about global warming! I’m a globe and I haven’t been warm, EVER!!! The idiots who own me put me near a shaded window that NEVER gets above 60 degrees Fahrenheit, and that’s on a good day! I’m f**ckin’ FREEZING!!! So, the next time you talk about global warming, think of me, a real globe that’s been freezing cold for years. Goddamn, this SUCKS!!!!
Bloodville, Transylvania. Here are some wonderful pictures of Republican apes that were taken by our resident zoologist and pastry chef, Don T. Givashit.
1.) A Republican ape on global warming.
You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I’m NOT Going To Listen!
2.) A Republican porn star ape.
You Won’t Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.
3.) A Ronald Reagan era Republican ape.
I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I’d Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There’s A LOT More Bananas For Me!
4.) A hypnotist Republican ape.
Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, “Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy.”
5.) A Republican ape with his favorite pet.
Undocumented, Liberal Puppies Like This One Make Great House Pets And Servants, And All They’ll Cost You Are A Few Table Scraps. Now Go Fetch Me The Wall Street Journal, Boy!
fini
What Would Hulk Do?
This is the first in a series of highly intelligent posts where I, The Arm Chair Pontificator, ask various Marvel and DC comic book superheroes one simple question: What Would Hulk Do? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, how fucking original. Mr. self-declared Nobel Prize winner thinks he’s clever by doing a silly ass take on the old, what would Jesus do bit. What a dork!” To those readers who are thinking this, all I can say is, you’re absolutely right!! So sit back and enjoy the completely useless shit my brain comes up with when I stay up too late watching naked stuff on the internet.
I asked the following question to 3 famous superheroes: The climate grows warmer each year because of human activity, and yet conservative groups, such as the Tea Party, refuse to accept this and do nothing to help the situation. What would Hulk do? Below are the names of each hero I asked and their individual responses.
Robin, The Boy Wonder: Why are you asking me this? Why? Do I look smart or cool to you? I’m 15 years old, and I’m wearing a red and yellow bathing suit with white tights. I follow around a 45-year-old psychopath who’s taken it upon himself to beat the snot out of “bad guys.” How fucking stable does any of that sound to you? What Would Hulk Do? How the fuck would I know! I don’t know him. If you do, then ask HIM, you fuckin’ shit heal.
Superman: What Would Hulk Do? Screw Hulk! How about, What would Superman do?! Well, I’ll tell you what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna become a Conservative Christian’s worse nightmare and declare himself God. That’s what he’s gonna do. And I will fry any bastard who refuses to accept this with my heat vision. Global warming be damned! It will be an after thought once the world has me as its one and only God. Screw the Hulk. The damn pansy!
Fini, for now.
Here’s a list of crazy shit I think about because, well, I’m crazy.
1.) How do the people of Humpty Dumpty’s species mate without breaking?
How Did Mommy & Daddy Make Me Without Breaking?
2.) How can theists claim, with absolute certainty, that a god or gods exist when I, being an atheist, can not claim, with absolute certainty, they do not? BTW, I also can not claim, with absolute certainty, that Superman doesn’t really exist, though I highly doubt it.
Go Ahead, Prove I’m NOT Real!
3.) If theists are so confident in a beautiful afterlife, why fear death and fight to stay alive? Hell, if I knew I had paradise waiting for me, with absolute certainty, I’d be eager to die, and happy to get cancer. Perhaps, just perhaps, deep down, we all instinctively know this is it, and we are all afraid to die because we know this. Perhaps. 
4.) Did Elmer Fudd’s parents speak like him, or did he develop his particular speech impediment as he grew up? Does his desire to kill rabbits cause it, perhaps, or did he inherit it genetically from his parents? A nature vs nurture question in its purest form.
Why Do I Have Dis Weally Funny Voice?
5.) If Bugs Bunny had a fist fight with Woody Woodpecker, who’d win? My bets are on Woody. He’d peck Bugs’ eyes out.
Woody v Bugs
6.) In a hundred years, will our descendents be happy with the Conservative stance that global warming isn’t happening, and it’s a waste of energy to care about it? Just wondering. 
That’s all for now. Have a pleasant day, and remember, it’s always darkest just before the lights come on. Hallelujah!
I’m A Planet, Damn It!
I bumped into the Earth coming out of a McDonald’s restroom the other day and asked it if it would let me interview it for my site while we ate. Well, lucky for you, it agreed. So without further ado, TACP presents the first ever interview with the Earth.
ACP: “Well, I must say, Earth, I’m very grateful you decided to talk to me today. I’m honored. Oh, BTW, if you’re not going to eat all of your fries, can I have them? McDonald’s has the best fries.”
Earth: “Sure. Go ahead. I’m watching my figure anyway. Now, what would you like to know about me?”
ACP: “First off, I’m wondering what your thoughts are on global warming. Are humans responsible for it, and how does it make you feel?”
Earth: “I don’t care about it.”
ACP: “What? You don’t care about it? But if the globe is warming, aren’t YOU warming? Doesn’t it make you sick if the climate gets too warm?”
Earth: “No.”
ACP: “No. That’s all you have to say? I mean conservatives and liberals are battling like flies over the last piece of shit on the planet over this issue and you don’t care about it at all? It doesn’t affect you at all?”
Earth: “No. It doesn’t affect me at all. I’m a planet, like Jupiter and Venus are planets. Nothing you fuck heads do will change that or hurt my self-esteem. I’m a fucking planet. I was a planet long before you idiots ever existed and I’ll be one long after you’re gone. I do not need liquid water to exist. Nor do I need a liquid iron core, a magnetic field, ozone, oxygen, plants, animals, or stupid-ass fucking humans. I do NOT need ANY of that shit to exist as who and what I am: a planet. You shit-heads may need some of those things, but not me. So to answer your question, no, I do not give a tiny squirt of elephant piss about global warming, global cooling, or global anything. I’m a fucking PLANET, asshole! Why would you think I’d give a fuck about what humans need anyway? Why? If there’s something I have that you need, then you need to make sure you have it. I fucking do not care about you, your offspring, or your species. No one cares about you, you narcissistic fucks. So if you’re not going to take care of yourselves and what you need to survive, you’ll all die. And nothing else in the whole of existence will care, especially not a fucking bad-ass planet like me. Get it? Now if you’ll excuse me, Mars and I have a date. Adios amigo!”
ACP: “Well, goodbye, Earth. Thanks for sharing. I’m sure my readers will be thrilled you did.”
The End
The pictures below are of people who wear ignorance, stupidity, and hubris on their chests as if they were badges of honor bestowed upon them by all the leaders of the world at one time. These people need to stop breeding before they and their like cause the destruction of our species. (How’s that for a blanketed, biased, heavily one-sided statement, eh?)
Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are
I’m Protesting Though I Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism
I’m A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?
Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot
Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.
Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment
Below I’ve provide but a small sampling of links to articles which illustrate the dumbness of Americans. I love being an American and value greatly the rights I have as one. But there is no excuse for the most powerful and the wealthiest nation on the planet to have so many of its citizens so lacking in knowledge and critical reasoning skills. No bloody excuse at all.
https://uk.news.yahoo.com/one-three-americans-not-believe-evolution-152201367.html#mInKFms
http://grist.org/politics/wyoming-doesnt-want-its-kids-to-learn-about-climate-change/
http://www.courant.com/news/connecticut/hc-climate-change-connecticut-20140422,0,3199830.story
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