Fiction City, Australia. While trashing gay marriage on the Australian TV show, QandA, last night, Katy Faust of Grace Church Seattle, an anti-gay, Christian church in Washington State, admitted she will be divorcing her husband, pastor and elder of Grace Church, Ryan Faust, because she has fallen madly in love with a kangaroo named Bouncy. “I never thought I would ever find an animal attractive, let alone fall in love with one,” Mrs. Faust said earlier, “but when I met Bouncy, while touring the Outback a few days ago, all of that changed. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. He’s able to jump, like, 6 feet into the air and use his hind legs to put a serious whippin’ on anyone who disagrees with me and my bigoted views on gay people and gay marriage.
The only real issue I had with Bouncy was that he was a Jew, and I find Jews to be almost as distasteful as I do gays. BLOODY CHRIST KILLERS! However, because he loves me so much, Bouncy agreed to convert to my particular sect of Christianity and has joined me in my worldwide campaign to stomp, get it stomp, out gay marriage wherever it rears its ugly head. So, wish us luck, and please, support us in our efforts to find acceptance in a world that, all too cruelly, shuns those who are different. Thanks, and have a hoppin’ day.”
Liar Land, Washington. Disciple for Christ and gay genitalia specialist, Jack M’Cockov, has been hired by Grace Church Seattle’s very own Katy Faust to inspect the anuses and privy parts of every Church member to be certain they are not gay, lesbian, trans-gendered, liberal, or Democrats. The first person who will have his anus and privy parts examined for signs of gayness will be none other than the senior pastor and elder of the Church, Ryan Faust, Katy’s husband. “I know this may seem a bit odd for anyone who isn’t a devout, loving follower of the Lord, Jesus Christ,” Mr. M’Cockov said earlier, “but Jesus hates fags, and he’s personally given Mrs. Faust the task to ensure they are discriminated against, legally and publicly, as much as humanly possible, throughout the world. Recently, whilst in the midst of practicing one of her tyrannical and fib-filled speeches about the horrors of gay marriage with her husband, who also hates gays, she noticed that he, himself, kinda looked…well, he kinda looked…..gay. Mrs. Faust immediately called me after noticing this because….well….because you can’t very well go around bashing gays and gay marriage if your gay-hating, proselytizing husband is secretly gay. Imagine the shame and embarrassment of that?! She also realized, that, even though Grace Church Seattle members are assumed to not be gay when they join the Church, it’s entirely possible some of them might be gay anyway. Again, we can’t have that. So, I was hired to sniff the anuses and genitalia of every Church member to check them for the scent of gayness.”
Gay Genitalia Specialist, Jack M’Cockov, Relaxing Before Inspecting The Anuses And Privy Parts Of Grace Church Seattle Members.
“I learned my gay-sniffing skill from a Catholic priest who used to take me camping when I was 10,” Mr. M’Cockov said. “He’d have me crawl into a sleeping bag with him and play, Sniff The Weenie And The Poopie, a game he swore would heighten my senses and protect me from perverts and gays throughout my entire life. Well, it worked. And it’s now a skill Mrs. Faust has hired me to use to sniff out the gays and perverts who might very well be lurking within the doors of her very own Church. Let’s hope Mr. Faust isn’t one of them, however. I can’t imagine Katy spreading her vile form of bigotry and hatred without his help. I’ll be publishing a very public paper on my findings when I’m finished sniffing around, so watch for it. Until then, may the all-encompassing love of Jesus Christ surround you, and keep you free from prejudice, each and every day of your lives. Amen”