Tag Archives: Thor

04.13.15
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St. Paul Cast In Avengers: Age Of Ultron

St. Paul With The Script To Avengers Movie

St. Paul With The Script To Age of Ultron

Stop Picking On Me, Shouts Thor

“Stop Picking On Me, St. Paul,” Shouts Thor

Marvel Studios and Heaven announced today that St. Paul, the dude who spread Christianity like butter during the first century, has been cast as a comedic nemesis to Thor in Avengers: Age of Ultron. “It’s gonna be great,” said St. Paul today. “It’s a HILARIOUS part I have.  I play myself and pop up at unexpected moments in the film to taunt Thor about the fact there’s only one god, and it’s Jesus, not him.  There’s a scene where Thor is doing his business in the bathroom and I enter the stall next to him.  I burst into this annoying song they wrote for me while I toss bibles over the top of the stall at him. He gets really pissed and calls his hammer which smashes down half the bathroom to get to him. Then I run away shouting that this is just the beginning of what I’m going to do to him. Funny, people, really funny stuff.  Oh, the song I sing is to the tune of If I Were A Rich Man and goes something like this: If I were a true man, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle winkle, tinkle wink.  All day long I’d say I’m not a god, and that I am a dirty, lying fink.”

Avengers: Age of Ultron opens on Friday, May 1st and is sure to be another hit for Marvel Studios, especially now that St. Paul is in it.

01.02.15
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Thor’s Hammer Replaced With Small Screw Driver

I'm Not Taking THAT Into Battle!

I’m Not Taking THAT Into Battle!

“This is bullshit!” an angry Thor yelled today from Avengers Mansion. “My hammer goes missing, I ask Odin for a decent replacement, and he sends me a god damn child size screw driver!? WTF?!  I’m NOT going into a battle with that fucking thing! I’ll be laughed off the planet!

Thor's New Weapon

Thor’s New Weapon

Odin is punishing me for misplacing it. That’s what this is all about.  This has happened before and he’s pissed at me about it. I get so wound up when I throw my hammer, sometimes it winds up going much farther than I intended, and it takes it awhile to find its way back. One time it wound up in Texas, and they refused to give it back until I attended three bar-b-Que tasting contests there. Kinda yummy, actually. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes, eh? But a fuckin’ tiny screw driver! I mean COME ON, POP!!! Loki’s the shit heel, not me! I sure as hell hope that hammer makes its way back here soon. The humiliation of this is fucking killing me.”

12.03.14
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Bill Maher Declares: The Arm Chair Pontificator Is Brilliant! Nobel Prize Long Over Due

Bill Maher Says Everyone Should Read T.A.C.P.

Bill Maher Says Everyone Should Read T.A.C.P.

Comedian and talk show host, Bill Maher said today that T.A.C.P. is the most brilliantly written and meticulously researched source of pertinent, meaningful information he has ever had the privilege of reading. “I’ve read many excellent books and articles on things like science, religion, and superheroes in my time, but none compare to the exhaustively researched, painstakingly balanced essays here on T.A.C.P.,” Maher said. “Some of the essays I’ve read here are written with such clarity and depth of understanding for human nature, they caused me to drop to my knees while reading them and weep like a baby.  The post where Jesus gives his solution to the problem of pedophile rapist priests is so evenly balanced in its writing style that I not only wept while reading it, I wet myself.  The posts on Thor are also outstanding. They’re written with such respect and love for this thickly muscled man/god, you feel compelled to find him and suck him off each time you read one.

Fuck You, Nobel Committee, For Not Yet Awarding A Prize To T.A.C.P.

Fuck You, Nobel Committee, For Not Yet Awarding A Prize To T.A.C.P.

How the Nobel Prize committee can be so blatantly ignorant as to have not yet given a Nobel for overall brilliance to this blog’s writer is a travesty of justice I pledge my life to see corrected.  I will see “inspiredbythedivine1″ get his due, or I’ll die trying! This I swear!”

08.13.14
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Thor To File Harassment Suit Against Hulk

An Angry Thor Tired Of Hulk Questioning His Sexual Orientation

An Angry Thor Tired Of Hulk Questioning His Sexual Orientation

Hulk Laughing After Calling Thor A Golden Haired Girly Boy

Hulk Laughing After Calling Thor A Golden Haired Girly Boy

Mighty Thor today announced that he will be filing a personal harassment suit against The Incredible Hulk sometime next week. “That green bastard has been prank calling me and sending me anonymous derogatory letters for months now,” the God of Thunder said. “In the last month alone I’ve received 20 crayon scribbled letters with multiple spelling and grammatical errors in them questioning my sexual orientation and my penis size. In addition to this, almost nightly, I receive 3 or 4 prank phone calls from someone with a growling deep voice calling me a girly boy and a sissy. It’s Hulk. He knows it and I know it. I’m a god, damn it! I won’t put up with this kind of silliness. It isn’t funny! I’ve asked him to stop, and he won’t, so next week I’m filing suit to make him stop. We’ll see who’s laughing then my jade skin pal, won’t we?”

07.18.14
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Christian Apologist Apologies For Being Chowder Head

Stanley Clueless: An Apologizing Christian Apologist

Stanley Clueless: Apologizing For Being A Chowder Head

Nome, Alaska.   A Christian apologist named Stanley Clueless today said he was very sorry for all the years he wasted being a chowder head. “I’d like to apologize to my wife, Cindy, my daughter, Bertha, and our pet turtle, Clyde, for wasting not only my time, but theirs in my attempts to make the blithering nonsense that is in the Christian Bible seem logical and true all these years,” a tear-filled Mr. Clueless said. “It dawned on me this morning that it would make more sense if I tried to rationally explain the true existence of Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, and The Hulk, than to continue my attempts at rationalizing just how true and real the stories from the Bible are. So, that’s what I’m now going to do. I’ve decided to become the world’s first Superhero Apologist. Wish me luck. I’ve a lot of work ahead of me, but, at least I know, deep down inside, I’m no longer a chowder head. Amen.”

04.27.14
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Five People Who Should Be Made Saints

In the Vatican Sunday, Pope Francis announced the canonization of two new Saints, Pope St. John Paul II and Pope St. John XXIII. What a bloody yawn fest! I mean, really, is anyone surprised by this? No? I didn’t think so. Typical Catholic BS, canonizing two of their own into sainthood while ignoring all the other, non-traditional, less Catholic, candidates out there who’d make terrific saints given the chance. I’ve put together a list of five unique people I feel Pope Francis simply must consider for sainthood. Most, if not all, have displayed some sort of miraculous power at one time or another, too, which should make the Pope’s decision to canonize them a no brainer. Here they are.

1.) Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan fought alongside Princess Leia’s father, Bail Organa, during the Clone Wars and started Luke Skywalker on his path to becoming a powerful Jedi Knight. He can do cool Jesus-like shit through his mastery of the Force, and would be an awesome Saint to help God in his fight against the Devil.

St. Obi-Wan Kenobi Of The Jedi

St. Obi-Wan Kenobi Of The Jedi

2.) Arthur (The Fonz) Fonzarelli: What else is there to say about the Fonz except that he is the King of Cool! His ability to calm rambunctious teenagers who are hopped up on hormones and narcotics with just a raise of his thumbs and an utterance of his patented, “Cool It!” makes him the perfect choice to become a Saint so cool even atheists will love him.

St. Arthur Of The Order Fonzarelli

St. Arthur Of The Order Fonzarelli

3.) Gandalf: Not to award Gandalf with the title of Saint after all he’s done to help both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins in their battles to keep Middle Earth free of evil would be akin to reforging the One Ring and turning every Hobbit in the Shire into a flesh-eating ghoul with it. As well, Gandalf’s magic would be most helpful in finding and killing the demons of Hell that hide under our beds at night, should he become canonized.St. Gandalf The White

4.) Christopher Hitchens: If Hitch were canonized, it would piss off both the atheists, who insist there’s no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in, and the Christians, whom Hitchens outraged by telling them there was no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in. I get a huge grin just thinking about the irony of it. Also, if God does exist, a canonized Hitch would be great company for him. Both of ’em are argumentative know-it-alls and could keep each other occupied for weeks fighting over benign, meaningless shit that no one cares about but them.

St. Hitchens The Non-Believer: "You're Kidding, Right?"

St. Hitchens The Non-Believer: “You’re Kidding, Right?”

5.) Thor: I love Thor. He’d be a kick-ass Saint and would strike fear into the hearts of Satan and his hideously evil minions by blasting them with lightning from his hammer Mjolnir. Plus, Thor’s already a God, so making him a Saint, too, should not be a problem for the Pope.

St. Thor Of Asgard

St. Thor Of Asgard

04.15.14
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New Hero, Prurient Man, To Debut In Next Avengers Movie

“Prurient Man is gonna rock the world next summer when “Avengers: Age of Ultron” comes out,” said the film’s director, Joss Whedon, earlier today. “He’s like a cross between a sleazy strip club owner with yellow, rotting teeth and a really horned up Batman.

Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

Prurient Man, In Full Battle Gear, From The Back

His special power is to be so lurid and sexually inappropriate with any villain unfortunate enough to face him in a fight, the shame and revulsion the villain feels renders him completely powerless and emotionally crippled for life. To give fans an early teaser as to what they can expect from this new hero, here’s a bit of dialog between Prurient Man and Thor from when they first meet, early on in the film. BTW, we’re shooting for an NC17 rating on this film, so, please, stop reading right now if you’re not 17 or over. Thank you for your cooperation!”

Thor: So, mortal, Tony Stark tells me you sent 45 twelve-inch black dildos to his girlfriend, Pepper Potts, last night with a note reading, “Suck on these baby, for practice, cause tonight I’m bringing home the entire Oakland Raiders football team to fuck you in all your womanly orifices while I watch and stroke my dick. Love always, your man with the Iron Cock, Tony.” I fail to see the humor of such a prank, mortal. And frankly, the very sight of you makes me feel as if I’ve not bathe in a whole millennium.

Prurient Man: Thor, I must tell you, I’ve often fantasized about being tied, naked, and erect, to your mighty hammer, Mjolnir, while you, naked and wet from a long hot shower you’ve just shared with your brother, Loki, toss it around trying to, shall we say, toss me “off” before we gallantly go to lather and shave the privy parts of a truly incorrigible young, lady villain garbed only in a tattered pair of pink, crotchless panties and a thick, gold clit ring.

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

A Fully Dressed Thor With Mjolnir

Thor: Odin’s beard, mortal! Do you have no shame? Still your foul tongue and say not another word, or I shall tear the accursed thing from your mouth and burn it to ash with lightning from Mjolnir!

That’s it folks. Sorry, but we gotta wait til next summer for more. However, Joss Whedon did assure us here at TACP that if you felt Prurient Man’s behavior was bad in this small scene, with a fellow hero, just wait til you see what’s in store for the villains of the film.