Here are some celebrity reviews of The Bible I recently found in The New York Times.
1.) This book is AWESOME. There’s killing for the Lord, genocide in his name, infanticide, glorification of slavery, and enough misogynistic rhetoric to make any man with a small dick feel strong. I highly recommend reading it and using it to guide your life. Donald Trump
2.) This book sucks. It’s completely unbelievable. There’s a part where a “virgin” gets pregnant, tells her husband, “God did it,” and he believes her. Yeah. Right. Blow me. Pope Francis
3.) This book has gore, violence, and horror in it. I’ve never read a piece of literature filled with such a lust for blood. It needs to be BANNED from our schools and homes. It’s anti-American. Wait…I was thinking of The Koran. The Bible is not like that at all. Never mind. Sarah Palin
4.) Brilliant book on truth, science, and reality. I never knew the Earth was only 6000 years old until I read this gem of intellectual wisdom. Republican Presidential Candidate, Ben Carson.
5.) I LOVED this book. It has sex in it. Former President, Bill Clinton.
Tonight on Pontificator TV we bring you a unique re-imaging of the Neil Simon classic, The Odd Couple staring Pope Francis as Felix and Mr. T as Oscar. Enjoy the hilarity as two men, who could not be more different, find themselves trapped together in a Manhattan studio apartment during a zombie apocalypse. Leave their apartment and they risk being eaten alive by the living dead. Stay in their apartment and they risk driving each other insane with their petty quirks and personality glitches. How do they survive? Watch tonight and laugh your ass off as you find out.
Live! From The Vatican! This Friday! “Put your money where your faith is,” say the promoters of the UFC’s biggest fight yet! Who’s the toughest man of faith in town? Pope Francis- follower of Jesus Christ, or Darth Maul- follower of the Dark Side of the Force? Find out Friday when Christ’s earthly leader to a better tomorrow meets the Dark Side’s leader to a better right now in a battle TO THE DEATH!!!! Two men enter, one man leaves! FRIDAY! On HBO. Live From The Vatican Dining Room!! Be There!!! 8PM Central Time.
The following broadcast is rated “R”, for violence, language, and an extreme level of disembowelment. Those under 18 really shouldn’t watch.
Vatican City, Rome. In crazy news out of the Vatican this morning, Vatican spokesman, Fr. Phil Mebuttup, has announced Pope Francis lost his faith last night after sneezing very hard. “I heard a loud, ah-choo come from the Pope’s room,” Fr. Mebuttup said, “and when I went to see if he was alright, he told me he had sneezed so hard it blew his faith in Jesus right out of his head. He told me from now on he wanted to be called Robert Malinowski. He also said he would be leaving the Vatican today to retire in Miami, Florida. He said to say goodbye to his former followers, and he wished them the best. He also wished the Church good luck in finding its next Pope. As a farewell present, some of the priests in Vatican City have given the former Pope a certificate for a lifetime supply of Kleenex and a large card which reads, God Bless You.”
The Shire, Middle Earth. In faith shattering news out of the Vatican today, former Catholic, and Pope, Francis has announced his conversion to Islam after having a near death experience while on vacation in Hawaii last week. “I was doing what I normally do one morning, eating a big bowl of communion wafers with sugar and milk, when one of the wafers became lodged in my wind pipe and I blacked out,” the former Pope said earlier. “My man-servant, Robert Slippery Fella, luckily noticed me lying face down, and unconscious, in the bowl of wafers and performed CPR on me until I came to. I had actually been dead for a minute or so before being revived and, during that minute, I clearly felt my soul leave my body and begin to enter the gates of Heaven. What shocked me about this experience was that I did not see Jesus in Heaven awaiting me but Allah and 72 virgin brides wearing T-shirts with my picture on them. Allah had a big smile on his face and was waving his finger at me as if to say, ‘See, Pope Francis, you had it ALL wrong.’ But just as he was about to open his mouth and speak to me, I was pulled back into the land of the living by the life saving efforts of Mr. Slippery Fella. Needless to say, I have forsworn my former, and erroneous, life as a Catholic and Pope, and have converted to Islam, the one, true religion. I have also changed my name to Mohammad Ali Dolli and will be moving to Mecca at the end of next month. Goodbye for now. Assalaam-O-Alaikum.”
Coming this Christmas to a movie theater near you: Star Trek: The Christian Generation, an Arm Chair Pontificator Production.
Ship’s Mission: To check on the status of gay marriage and the ease of access to loaded hand guns throughout the galaxy while forcing the word of Jesus onto all those encountered.
Main Antagonists: Liberals from the Liberal quadrant of the galaxy: A group of free thinking radicals who oppose the forcing of any ideology or clothing onto anyone not wanting them.
Tickets available now. Get yours early before they’re sold out. Hope to see you at the theater this Christmas.