Ask A Cadaver

Dear Cadaver, I’ve got a bit of a conundrum I hope you can help me with.  See, this Friday, I’ve several guests coming to the Vatican for a party.  My understanding is some of these guests are vegan and others are red meat lovers.  What in the name of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ am I to serve them for dinner?  I don’t wish to offend the vegans by having red, cooked meat dripping delicious juices right next to a meatless eggplant parmesan.  I’m simply LOSING MY MIND OVER THIS!  What do you suggest I do?  Thank you, and may God bless you, Pope Francis, Vatican City, Italy

 

My dearest Pope Francis, thanks for the question.  Being a cadaver, I can readily understand your problem in dealing with dinner guests with varying palates.  You see, some people actually find my very presence at the dinner table, any dinner table, to be appalling.  “This f**kin’ dude is dead,” I often hear. “How in f**k’s name do you expect me to eat next to a decaying dead guy?  He f**kin’ SMELLS.”  The deep emotional pain these types of statements cause me is indescribable.  I’ve learned over the years, Pope Francis, that there’s no way to please everyone who’ll be at your dinner party.  Thus, I suggest you simply do what I do: serve whatever the f**k you want, and, if anyone complains about it and hurts your feelings,  puke up a handful of maggots and toss them on the table.  I f**kin’ guarantee you the last friggin’ thing your guests will be worried about after that is what’s for supper or whether or not their host is a cadaver.  I hope you find this advice helpful.  Yours in good health, a Cadaver

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Celebrity Bible Reviews

bible3Here are some celebrity reviews of The Bible I recently found in The New York Times.

 

Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore1.) This book is AWESOME.  There’s killing for the Lord, genocide in his name, infanticide, glorification of slavery, and enough misogynistic rhetoric to make any man with a small dick feel strong.   I highly recommend reading it and using it to guide your life.  Donald Trump

 

Pope Francis 6552.) This book sucks.  It’s completely unbelievable.  There’s a part where a “virgin” gets pregnant, tells her husband, “God did it,” and he believes her.  Yeah.  Right.  Blow me.   Pope Francis

 

palin3.) This book has gore, violence, and horror in it.  I’ve never read a piece of literature filled with such a lust for blood.  It needs to be BANNED from our schools and homes.  It’s anti-American.  Wait…I was thinking of The Koran.  The Bible is not like that at all.  Never mind.   Sarah Palin

 

MTIxNDI3MjkzNDE1MTc5Nzg54.) Brilliant book on truth, science, and reality.  I never knew the Earth was only 6000 years old until I read this gem of intellectual wisdom.  Republican Presidential Candidate, Ben Carson.

 

Bill-Clinton5.) I LOVED this book.  It has sex in it.  Former President, Bill Clinton.

Tonight On Pontificator TV: The Odd Couple, Staring Pope Francis And Mr. T

Tonight on Pontificator TV  we bring you a unique re-imaging of the Neil Simon classic, The Odd Couple  staring Pope Francis as Felix and Mr. T as Oscar.  Enjoy the hilarity as two men, who could not be more different, find themselves trapped together in a Manhattan studio apartment during a zombie apocalypse.   Leave their apartment and they risk being eaten alive by the living dead.   Stay in their apartment and they risk driving each other insane with their petty quirks and personality glitches.  How do they survive?  Watch tonight and laugh your ass off as you find out.

"Oscar, you left your filthy underwear on the couch again. You're more disgusting than the flesh eating ghouls roaming outside our door!"

“Oscar, you left your filthy underwear on the couch again. You’re more disgusting than the flesh-eating ghouls roaming outside our door!”

 

"Listen here, Felix! I pity the fool who moves my things, even my dirty undies, without askin' me first. Do it again, and I toss yer communion wafer eatin' ass out the front door, 'n those ghouls out there look HUNGRY!"

“Listen here, Felix!  I pity the fool who moves my things, even my dirty undies, without askin’ me first.  Do it again, and I toss yer communion wafer eatin’ ass out the door, ‘n those ghouls out there look HUNGRY!”

 

"BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS!"

“BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS!”

 

This Friday! The Ultimate UFC Event: Darth Maul vs Pope Francis

The Pope Is Nothing Compared To The Dark Side, Says Darth Maul

“The Pope Is Nothing Compared To The Dark Side Of The Force,” Says Darth Maul

Jesus Wants Me To Fight Who?! The Pope Asks His Cut Man Thursday.

“Jesus Wants Me To Fight Who?!” The Pope Asks His Cut Man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Live! From The Vatican! This Friday! “Put your money where your faith is,” say the promoters of the UFC’s biggest fight yet! Who’s the toughest man of faith in town? Pope Francis- follower of Jesus Christ, or Darth Maul- follower of the Dark Side of the Force? Find out Friday when Christ’s earthly leader to a better tomorrow meets the Dark Side’s leader to a better right now in a battle TO THE DEATH!!!!   Two men enter, one man leaves!   FRIDAY! On HBO. Live From The Vatican Dining Room!! Be There!!! 8PM Central Time.

The following broadcast is rated “R”, for violence, language, and an extreme level of disembowelment. Those under 18 really shouldn’t watch.

Pope Loses Faith After Sneezing Very Hard

Artist's Rendering Of The Sneeze That Took Pope Francis' Faith

Artist’s Rendering Of The Sneeze That Took Pope Francis’ Faith

Vatican City, Rome.  In crazy news out of the Vatican this morning, Vatican spokesman, Fr. Phil Mebuttup, has announced Pope Francis lost his faith last night after sneezing very hard. “I heard a loud, ah-choo come from the Pope’s room,” Fr. Mebuttup said, “and when I went to see if he was alright, he told me he had sneezed so hard it blew his faith in Jesus right out of his head. He told me from now on he wanted to be called Robert Malinowski. He also said he would be leaving the Vatican today to retire in Miami, Florida. He said to say goodbye to his former followers, and he wished them the best. He also wished the Church good luck in finding its next Pope. As a farewell present, some of the priests in Vatican City have given the former Pope a certificate for a lifetime supply of Kleenex and a large card which reads, God Bless You.”

Pope Converts To Islam After Near Death Experience

New Muslim, Mohammad Ali Dolli

New Muslim, And Former Pope, Mohammad Ali Dolli

The Shire, Middle Earth.   In faith shattering news out of the Vatican today, former Catholic, and Pope, Francis has announced his conversion to Islam after having a near death experience while on vacation in Hawaii last week.  “I was doing what I normally do one morning, eating a big bowl of communion wafers with sugar and milk, when one of the wafers became lodged in my wind pipe and I blacked out,” the former Pope said earlier. “My man-servant, Robert Slippery Fella, luckily noticed me lying face down, and unconscious, in the bowl of wafers and performed CPR on me until I came to.  I had actually been dead for a minute or so before being revived and, during that minute, I clearly felt my soul leave my body and begin to enter the gates of Heaven. What shocked me about this experience was that I did not see Jesus in Heaven awaiting me but Allah and 72 virgin brides wearing T-shirts with my picture on them. Allah had a big smile on his face and was waving his finger at me as if to say, ‘See, Pope Francis, you had it ALL wrong.’ But just as he was about to open his mouth and speak to me, I was pulled back into the land of the living by the life saving efforts of Mr. Slippery Fella. Needless to say, I have forsworn my former, and erroneous, life as a Catholic and Pope, and have converted to Islam, the one, true religion. I have also changed my name to Mohammad Ali Dolli and will be moving to Mecca at the end of next month. Goodbye for now.  Assalaam-O-Alaikum.”

Star Trek: The Christian Generation

Coming this Christmas to a movie theater near you: Star Trek: The Christian Generation, an Arm Chair Pontificator Production.

Directed by Martin Scorsesemartin-scorsese-1-sized

Starring:

Pope Francis as Captain Huggie Cuddles: A very human captain trying to keep a crew with various cultural and ethical differences from killing each other before their mission is complete. popefrancis1

 

Sam Harris as First Officer, Commander Tu’Smart: A Vulcan who has a great respect for science but very little respect for illogical thinking and the religious right.Sam_Harris_01

 

Mr. T as Security Chief, Piti’da’Ful: A Klingon with a bad temper and long time boyfriend to Ship’s Counselor, Lt. Annie Tight. mr t

 

Miley Cyrus as Ship’s Counselor, Lt. Annie Tight: A sexy transgendered Human babe and long time lover of Security Chief, Piti’da’Ful1368111007_miley-cyrus-lg

 

Ken Ham as Science Officer, Duddly Dullman: A Human whose wits are not always about him and whose conclusions are rarely backed by logic, reason or science.ham-ken.aurora_standalone.prod_affiliate.79

 

Ship’s Mission: To check on the status of gay marriage and the ease of access to loaded hand guns throughout the galaxy while forcing the word of Jesus onto all those encountered.

Main Antagonists: Liberals from the Liberal quadrant of the galaxy: A group of free thinking radicals who oppose the forcing of any ideology or clothing onto anyone not wanting them.

Liberals In The Clothing Optional Liberal Quadrant

Liberals In The Clothing Optional Liberal Quadrant

Tickets available now. Get yours early before they’re sold out. Hope to see you at the theater this Christmas.