University Of I B Sorry, The Apologetic School That Apologizes For Apologetics

Yougottabkidding City, Florida.    Are you a Christian apologist who is shamed by the idiotic shit your job requires you to tell people about Jesus and the Bible?  If so, then why not take a course at the University of I B Sorry and learn how to properly apologize to your fellow human beings for it?  The University of I B Sorry was founded by William Lane Craig The Younger, the infant son of Christian apologist, William Lane Craig.  Within his first week of life, WLC The Younger realized the shit his father was spewing out to world about Jesus, the Bible, and the nature of reality was intellectually insulting and outright embarrassing.  So, he started the University of I B Sorry to help make up for it.

University Of I B Sorry Spokesman, William Lane Craig The Younger, Apologizes For The Intellectually Insulting Nonsense That Is Christian Apologetics

University Of I B Sorry Founder, William Lane Craig The Younger,  Apologizes For The Intellectually Insulting Nonsense That Is Christian Apologetics

For the nominal fee of 7 dollars a credit hour, Christian apologists who enroll at the University of I B Sorry will be taught how to properly, and politely, say to other human beings, “I’m really sorry for talkin’ all the shit my job requires me to talk.  Can you please forgive me?”  They will quickly learn that doing this makes them far better human beings than spouting apologetic B.S. about Jesus and the Bible ever could.  They will learn, too, that intellectual honesty is better than wheel-spinning and dancing around idiotic sayings found in the Bible because….well….because no matter how much spin one puts on such sayings, they’re still idiotic.   And lastly, they will learn to utter the four words most apologists avoid like the plague:  “I do not know.”  Yes, they will learn that, like the rest of humanity, they simply do not know the absolute meaning of the universe and that this is OK.  Apologists who enroll today will receive a, I Really Don’t Know Shit About Anything, T-shirt absolutely free, while supplies last.  So sign up now.  You won’t be sorry you did.

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Coming Soon, PontificatorFlix

 Stream The Brilliance Of TACP Movies Striaght To Your TV With PontificatorFlix

Stream The Brilliance Of TACP Straight To Your TV With PontificatorFlix

Here are a few original shows now in production for our new video streaming service, PontificatorFlix. It will be available starting this June for a small monthly fee of two Christian infants and a donkey not weighing less than 100 pounds. Sign up now, and receive a free set of Republican-Thumpin’ brass knuckles designed to knock even the densest Republican brain into oblivion.

1.) Another Brokeback Mountain: A 13 part mini-series that stars Creationist, Ken Ham and Christian apologist, William Lane Craig as two self-aggrandizing Christian bigots who “cute meet” at a God hates fags rally in Texas and, ironically, fall head over heels in love with each other. Watch the hilarity as Ken and William have heated discussions on who’s gonna pitch, who’s gonna catch, and what type of lube is best to avoid anal chaffing. This one’s gonna be fun for the whole family, folks!

Ken Ham & William Lane Craig Share Their First Kiss In: Another Brokeback Mountain

Ken Ham & William Lane Craig Share Their First Kiss In: Another Brokeback Mountain

2.) The Walking Fred: Freddie Mercury returns from the grave and walks the earth looking for other undead musicians in order to create a new band called, The Risen Queen.  Enjoy great music and shocking, gore-filled special effects in this soon to be classic horror show produced exclusively for PontificatorFlix.

Freddie Mercury Returns From The Dead In: The Walking Fred

Freddie Mercury Returns From The Dead In: The Walking Fred

3.) Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day: Former U.S. Vice-President and rat-bastard extraordinaire, Dick Cheney, awakes one day to discover he’s been transformed into a 30-year-old, female, Asian prostitute enslaved to a sadistic Iraqi army general named, Eval Mean Dude. Watch in joyful glee as the former V.P. embarks on a life of sexual slavery in a country he once bombed into oblivion while looking for weapons of mass destruction that never existed. This one is rated TVMA for its graphic, and repeated, use of the phrase: “Republican mother fucker, take that!”

Dick Cheney In: Dick Cheney & The Terrible, Awful, Really, Really Bad Day

Dick Cheney In: Dick Cheney & The Terrible, No Good, Very Rotten, Bad Day

That’s all for now, but check back soon for more info on more shows coming soon to PontificatorFlix.

 

Rocky Balboa Villains VS Really Annoying Christians

Coming this Spring to TACP Cable Sports Network: Three famous Rocky Balboa opponents will battle it out with three famous, and very annoying, Christians in three, twelve round boxing matches. The fights, and their contestants, are listed below. It all begins this March, so make sure your Cable subscriber carries TACP Network or you’ll miss out on what is sure to be some good old fashion ass-kicking of some really annoying, blow-hard Christians.

 Fight One

William "The Exasperator" Lane Craig

William “The Wind-Bag” Craig

                                                        VS

Clubber "I Pity Da Fool" Lang

Clubber “I Pity Da Fool” Lang

 

                                                Fight Two

Ken "The Can" Ham

Ken “The Canned” Ham

                                                         VS

Ivan "If He Dies, He, Dies" Drago

Ivan “I Must Break You” Drago

 

                                               Fight Three

Bryan "The Asshole" Fischer

Bryan “The Asshole” Fischer

                                                        VS

Apollo "No One Can Beat Me" Creed

Apollo “The King Of Sting” Creed

These fights are guaranteed to make the Bill Nye/Ken Ham debate from last year look like a wrestling match between two newborn kittens. You don’t want to miss ’em. Order ’em now so you won’t.  $Amen$

Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

Even If You Have To Make It Up

Even If You Have To Make It Up

How long would it take you to come up with an explanation as to why an apple is actually an orange? It doesn’t have to be a logical or believable explanation, just one that makes an apple an orange. It can be a magical explanation, a science fiction type of explanation, or a “mysterious” type of explanation. Doesn’t matter.

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

What matters is that you present it as absolute, undeniable fact with an extremely condescending tone toward anyone who suggests you just blew it straight out your ass. This is the type of thing you get to do every day as an Apologist for the religion of your choice. Christians and Muslims have lots of these guys. Some like doing it so much, they do it for free. This is how Noah was able to, literally, put two of each kind of animal on the Ark. An Apologist for Creationism made up a way he could have done it, and presented it as dogma to people who really, really wanted to believe it, and bravo! The Ark story, literally, happened, and now, anyone who questions the idiotic reasoning behind this belief is called a bigot who’s persecuting Creationists. Most people don’t want to be considered a bigot, so they stop asking questions. See how it works? Another benefit to being an Apologist is the enormous amount of deference and respect you’ll receive, even from those who know you’re completely full of shit. Most Americans love Faith so much, they’d rather ostracize those who question it than listen to the questions they ask. Thus, they don’t ask.

I'm An Apologist Cause I Can't Sing Or Dance

I’m An Apologist Cause I Can’t Sing Or Dance

Just mention that you’re a person of strong belief, and people you’ve never even met will ring you to see if you need help wiping your ass. Deference and respect await you as an Apologist, though you’ve not done a fucking thing to earn them. And, if you get to be a good “emergency” Apologist, one who can create enough black smoke to cover up damning questions from, say, a learned cosmologist during a debate, you may even get to be in a YouTube video that goes viral. It’s awesome when that happens because no matter how fucking ridiculous you sound, half the people who watch the video will say you kicked the cosmologist’s ass with your witty answers. So, if any of this sounds like it’s up your bullshit filled alley, give Apologetics a try. The world could always use more equivocated bullshit to believe is undeniably and infallibly true.

Random Bits Of Craziness From The Hamster In My Head

There are so many ideas bouncing around in my head sometimes, I feel there must be a hamster running on a wheel up there producing them. I felt compelled to jot down some of them today even though they’re rather disjointed. Oh, if your smoking a joint and someone pulls it violently from you, you’ve just been dis-jointed.

X-ray Of My Head

X-ray Of My Head

Random Thought One: Putin

I like the sound of Vladimir Putin’s last name: PUUU TTT INNNN! I would write a senseless paragraph with a lot of alliteration and use that name as the inspiration, if only I were a more childish and immature person. Wait! I AM a childish and VERY immature person!  Whew! Glad of that. Now I can write it!

Putin Models His Look On Daniel Craig

Putin Models His Look On Daniel Craig

And Now, A Story.

Putin’s office assistant, Ivan Ur’ass, came home from work one day to his mannish wife, who had a mustache, no front teeth, and enough hair growing under her arms to stuff a queen size mattress with, twice, and said this: “Man, I had a rough day at work, honey. I had to put up with that puddin’ head Putin puttin’ on Presley tunes while eatin’ pizza and putzin’ with a puss on his face which I got tired of placatin’; so I placed him perpendicular, like a pencil, and popped his pretty nose plenty til he plopped down on the patio pavement outside by the pool for a nap. How was yer day? Oh, hand me a pop will ya? I’m pooped.” The End

Random Thought Two: Christian Apologists

Never once have I heard a Christian apologist, during one of those Apologist guy vs Science guy debates, use these four words together in the same sentence: I COULD BE WRONG. Never. Imagine William Craig Lane admitting his intelligent designer hypothesis COULD BE WRONG? No fucking way that will happen. Or imagine Ken Ham admitting he COULD BE WRONG about the Earth only being 6000 years old? No fucking way he’d ever admit that. I apologize, but Apologists have worked very hard to earn the lack of respect I now give them freely. They behave like preteen boys, always wanting to fight over who’s stronger, Superman or Hulk, and never seeing that the answer is simple: neither character is strong because neither character is real. Fighting about things that do not exist is a sure way to waste one’s life.

Random Thought Three: My dog, Roxy

My Best Pal, Roxie

My Best Pal, Roxie

Roxy is a miniature, long hair Dachshund and has been my best pal for almost 12 years now. She’s been a better friend to me than most humans I’ve known. She’s always nice to me and I love her dearly. She’s the best thing that’s ever been in my life. Say hello to everyone, Rox.

Bye for now.

William Lane Craig VS Stan Lee: Which Hero Is Real?

As any comic book, movie, or fan of hallucinogenic compounds can tell you, the debate over which comic book super hero actually exists, Spiderman or Superman, and which does not, has been raging for decades. Well, tonight, ACP productions, in association with Disney Entertainment, is proud to present William Lane Craig and Stan Lee in a debate over this very issue. I, TACP, will be your host and moderator throughout the debate. And so, without further ado, I present to you Stan Lee, who has always claimed Spiderman is a real guy, and he, Lee, just the reporter who told his story, and William Lane Craig, the Christian Apologist who has always argued that Superman is not only real, but is Christ himself, sans beard, in a blue suit, with a big S on the chest, and a bright red cape on his back. Gentlemen, if you’ll please be seated, I’ll explain the rules and we can begin.

If Spidey Ain't Real, Then Who Paid For Reno That Night?

If Spidey Ain’t Real, Then Who Paid For Reno That Night?

Lee: Excelsior! Let’s rumble!

Craig: Has anyone seen my notebook? It has Alexander Vilenkin on the cover. Anyone? Well, if it turns up, please bring it to me. Looking at Vilenkin’s picture calms my nerves. We can begin whenever you want, Mr. Moderator, you baby eating a-theist demon, you.

Where's My Damn Note Book?

Where’s My Damn Note Book?

ACP: Why thank you, Mr. Craig. I resemble that.  Now the rules. I’ll ask each of you a question. You answer, and your opponent gets a brief rebuttal if he wants, then I move to the next man and we repeat. Got that? OK.

Craig: Wait! I’m not messing around people. I have very powerful friends! I want my god damn notebook, now!

Lee: Oh, just sit down and act like a grown up, will you, Bill? It’ll turn up. Imperious Rex!

ACP: Great. OK, Mr. Lee, you get the first question. What tangible evidence can you produce, if any, to support your claim that Spiderman is a real guy?

Lee: That’s easy. Here in this bag are two pair of authentic, Spiderman tights, which he tossed out because, as you can see, the crotch areas are entirely worn out. And, I also have this signed picture of Spidey and me at the 1988 Broadway premier of Les Miserables. He even authenticated it for me by personalizing it when he signed it. “Me and Stan at a play premier. I hate plays. Because I’m Spiderman, and I’m real, and there’s crime to fight out there. I need to be out there, not in here writing on this fucking picture of me and Stan.” Now if that ain’t proof, Bill, what is?

I'm As Real As Real Can Get

I’m As Real As Real Can Get

ACP: Mr. Craig, do you have a rebuttal?

Craig: You’ll be rebuttin’ my foot up your ass if my notebook doesn’t turn up soon, Boy! I at least need a damn 8 by 10 glossy of Alexander to hold when I talk. Have that cronie of yours over there print one off the internet for me. Please.

ACP: That cronie you’re pointing at happens to be my Mother, but I’ll ask her to get your picture. Now, do you have a rebuttal to Mr. Lee’s statement?

Craig: Tights with the crotches worn out? A picture with the whole “Moby Dick” novel written on it as a signature? In what alternate Vilenkin universe do you think that would stand as evidence for anything, let alone as proof that Spiderman is real? Crap, Stan. It’s crap. Remember, Extraordinary claims, require extraordinary evidence. What’s so hard to understand about that?

ACP: OK, Mr. Craig, time for your question. What proof do you have that Superman is real?

Craig: First off, you a-theist bastard, I have God’s word from a little book called, The Bible. Your evil ass should read it. “And the Son shall become the Father, as the Father becomes the Son, and the Father forgives the Son, as the Son goes to Earth and becomes a founding member of The Justice League of America along with Batman and Wonder Women.” How do like that Stan, eh? How do like that?!

You'll Know I'm Real When My Heat Vision Is On Your Ass

You’ll Know I’m Real When My Heat Vision Is On Your Ass

Lee: I’m using my rebuttal time to just here and peacefully fucking die! That’s how stupidly boring that answer was. You’re an idiot, Bill, and I’m scared to be in same room with you.

ACP: Here’s your picture, Mr. Craig.

Craig: God bless you, you Godless son of a whore.

ACP: You’re welcome. Now, Stan, your final question: Where is Spiderman now, and why does he choose to remain invisible to us?

Lee: Well, it’s a mystery, and it’s so big our tiny non-super hero minds could never comprehend it. Thus, we have to rely only on our “Faith” that Spiderman is real to ensure ourselves that he really is real. Take that home to your skank bitch wife and feed it to her, Bill! I just kicked your ass, and your balls, out of the ball park! Excelsior!

Craig: I don’t care Stan. I have my picture of Vilenkin to look at. Do what you want with me. All that is me is now your’s to abuse.

William Lane's Man Crush, Alexander Vilenkin

William Lane’s Man Crush, Alexander Vilenkin

ACP: OK, gentlemen. That’s enough! Time to go home. You guys have lost all signs that you just might be sane. I’ve called you both cabs and….HOLY FUCK!!!! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s FUCKING SUPERMAN! YOU’RE REAL!!!

Superman: Yes, you a-theist dog! I am. I’m going to fly these two ninnies home, then go fuck Lois’ brains out through her hot, girlish ass. Bye, Satan Spawn.

ACP: Bye Superman. Thanks for coming by to call me abusive names! I love you!

THE END