Conspiracy Expert Claims Those Claiming There’s A Jewish Conspiracy Are Themselves The Conspiracy

Tevye Says, "Up Yours!" To Conspiracy Theorists

Tevye Says, “Up Yours!” To Conspiracy Theorists

Bullshit City, Wisconsin.  In news sure to agitate anti-Semites and Tea Party members alike, Conspiracy expert, John Fulovcrap, said today that, after hundreds of hours of internet research, he has conclude there is no such thing as a “Jewish Conspiracy” running the Governments of the world.  “That would imply all Jews know each other somehow, just cause they’re Jewish,” Mr. Fulovcrap said.  “Maybe it’s just me, but I see no way that could be even remotely possible.  Therefor, knowing full well that there certainly is a conspiracy of some kind going on, I’ve come to the conclusion that it isn’t the Jews who are the conspiracy.  It’s the idiots saying the Jews are the conspiracy who are themselves the conspiracy.

You Fuckin' Conspiracy Theorists ARE The Fuckin' Conspiracy!

You Fuckin’ Conspiracy Theorists ARE The Fuckin’ Conspiracy!

Conspiracy advocates, like religious fanatics, are experts in the fine art of chosen ignorance. This, when coupled with narcissism and idiocy, creates an intellectual annoyance akin to the sound of hundreds of nails being scraped over hundreds of chalk boards hundreds of times, over and over again.  Conspiracy advocates, and here I mean to be deliberately insulting, are incapable of logic. They insist they have a divine insight, granting them the power of infallibility, when it comes to the conspiracy theory they espouse. ‘If I can think of it, it’s likely that it’s true. Those not seeing this are ignorant and blind.’   These statements form the very foundation of the ‘Conspiracy Faith’.  For that, indeed, is what these conspiracies have become: Religions. Religions built on Faith that the conspiracy is more real than reality.  To make fantastic claims, hell, to make any claim, without having solid tangible, evidence to back it up is akin to claiming a man died and came back to life, and we MUST accept this on faith alone; follow those who tell it to us blindly, and never question it because doing so is bad. Screw that. And screw conspiracy theorists. THEY are the conspiracy. Their conspiracy is to confound people, to keep them ignorant of the power a real education brings.

Please Don't Take Away My Conspiracies!

Please Don’t Take Away My Conspiracies!

The fear of the conspiracy theorist is he’ll be called out on the fact he’s really full of shit.  He fears to lose the power he has by being an expert on the bullshit he vomits out. His arrogance and self-righteous air of importance are built on fantasy and lies which will collapse like egg shells under him if more people but took the time to smell the shit oozing from his twisted pores.  The conspiracy starts and ends with the conspiracy theorist.  Take away his power, and you take away the conspiracy.  And that, my dear friends, is the divinely stated truth on that!”

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TACP Christmas Exclusive: Joseph Speaks Out

Joseph, foster-father of Jesus, stopped by TACP’s Manhattan offices this morning after picking up some bagels and lox from his favorite deli just up the street. He’s in our fantasy football pool and I’ve been after him for an interview for weeks. Today, he finally agreed.

Joseph Today. Not Too Shabby For Being Over 2000 Years Old, Eh?

Joseph: Not Too Shabby Lookin’ For Being Over 2000 Years Old, Eh?

ACP: Merry Christmas, Joseph. How’s it hanging?

Joseph: Well, first off, I’m Jewish, so my holiday at this time of year is Hanukkah. It kind of ticks me off that Christians just assume I’m Christian too. It really doesn’t take much brain power to figure out I’m not. Other than that, I’m fine. Here, have a bagel.

ACP: Thanks. It does make sense that you’d be Jewish, but you know what they say, when in Rome…..  Man! This is one great bagel! Thanks. But, hey, I gotta ask this cause a lot of people think about it this time of year, how did you handle the whole, “I’m pregnant by The Holy Ghost” story when you first heard it? What were your first thoughts?

Joseph: Well, at first, I thought my wife had too much wine with dinner and was making a crude attempt at a joke. Whatever else you could say Mary was, funny was not one of them. But when she insisted, I started to think she was losing her mind. Because I’ll tell you, 2000 years ago, for a married Jewish woman to be confessing to her husband that she’d even LOOKED at another man sexually, was almost akin to suicide.

ACP: I can imagine. The Old Testament doesn’t paint a very positive picture of women. So what happened then? Did you just ignore it, thinking she’d forget about it eventually?

Joseph: Well, yes. That’s exactly what I did. I told her to shut up about it and go to sleep and NEVER mention it again. Well, that worked for about….4 months. Then the questions started from friends, “My, Mary has really let herself go, Joseph. Can’t you get her a Health Club Membership or something?” And, of course, the fat jokes, “Know why I couldn’t see your house when we pulled up, Joseph? Mary was standing in front of it!” Everyone thought Mary was just suffering from an excess of carbohydrates, but I knew better. She had a bun cooking in her oven, and I wasn’t the cook who put it there.

ACP: Shit, dude. That had to blow.

Joseph: Could you please not be so crude and sophomoric? It’s rude. One of these days you’re going to tick off a creationist or an insane a-theist guru, and you won’t think you’re so cute then, will you?

ACP: I sure wouldn’t want that. But back to you. WHAT did you do when you knew she was pregnant, but not by you?

Joseph: I broke tables, chairs, glasses, cups, and even the Hanukkah Menorah my mother gave us for our wedding. I was not happy. She insisted, however, that the baby was put there by the Holy Ghost and she hadn’t slept with another man.

ACP: Did she convince you at some point she was telling the truth? Because I’m sure, if you wanted to, you could have made life VERY miserable for her back then.

Joseph: Did I think God sent a ghost to impregnate my wife? Would you believe something like that? Hell no I didn’t believe her! I’m a nice guy and all, and I was WAY ahead of my time on being such for the day, but I’m not an idiot. I could have done horrible things to her and no one would have thought anything of it. As a matter of fact, if people knew back then what she was telling me, they’d have stoned ME to death for not doing the same to her the MINUTE she mentioned this.

ACP: So you did nothing? You just acted like the baby was yours and lived as if everything was normal?

Joseph: Did I not just say I wasn’t an idiot? I also am not a cruel man, and Mary was 14 when we wed. She was not a pillar of great emotional stability, and she was very fragile. I stayed with her until she gave birth, then I brought her to her sister’s home in Jerusalem and went on my way. I’m a nice guy, but not SO nice as to stay with an emotional unstable woman who thought a holy ghost had impregnated her. What would be next? The Devil told her to whack off my head with an ax while I slept? Not worth the risk, man.

ACP: Dude! You’re blowing my silly ass mind! The Bible doesn’t say anything about any of this.

Joseph: It also says Jesus was crucified and returned from the dead and the Earth is only 6000 years old. You truly can not believe everything you read or simply just take things on “faith,” especially things like this, which is simply outrageously unbelievable. Trust in Faith alone is what gets buildings knocked down by planes and people killed in wars of conflicting dogmas. Think. Don’t confuse my being a decent human being with evidence for a ghost impregnating Mary. If such things aren’t happening now, they weren’t happening then. As Carl Sagan said, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence to be believed.

ACP: You sound like an a-theist. I’d never have thought this of you.

Joseph: An a-theist? I’m over 2000 years old and look 45. How many a-theists can say that and mean it? And don’t ask, cause I’m not telling you my secret.

ACP: Damn. Well, thanks, man. This was nice of you. I’d invite you for dinner, but something tells me you’d be offended by what’s on the menu. Thanks again.

Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Evidence

Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Evidence

Crazy Shit I Can Do With My Mind

I Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

I Can Do Amazing, Crazy Shit With This

 

I can do amazing shit just using the power of my mind. I haven’t mentioned this until now because I’m pathologically modest and talking about my wonderful greatness is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I decided to write down some of the more wondrous things I’ve done, and can do, with my mind because I’m a firm believer in telling the truth about oneself whenever and wherever possible. I can thus assure you that every word I write, or have ever written, is absolutely and undeniably true. Every word of it. What benefit is there in making crazy shit up anyway? Now, without further ado, I give you a list of some of the crazy, amazing shit I’ve done, and can do, with the power of my mind.

1.) Yesterday I reached 165 million years into the past with the power of my cerebral cortex and caused the dinosaurs to go extinct.

I Did This

I Did This

2.) As I write this I’m sending the entire universe far into the future, one second at a time, just by thinking about it.

I'm Sending This Far Into The Future One Second At A Time

Into The Future We Go

3.) I’m currently preventing a zombie apocalypse by willing the dead to stay in their graves.

I'm Preventing This

I’m Keeping This From Happening

4.) I’m holding the building up across the street from me by simply thinking about it.

I'm Holding This Building Up Right Now

I’m Holding This Building Up Right Now

5.) I’m preventing millions of dogs from chasing millions of cats world-wide by telepathically sending them the message, “Be nice now, guys.”

I Keep Them Friends

I’m Keeping Them Friends

6.) I’m keeping the tectonic activity of the Earth active by channeling the power of my amygdala into the Earth’s core to keep it smokin’ hot.

I Keep This Cookin'

I’m Keepin’ This Baby Cookin’

7.) Lastly, I’m moving the water around in the oceans by imagining massive winds blowing over it.

I'm Doing This Right Now

I’m The Reason This Happens

Thank you for reading. Yours in humble modesty, The Arm Chair Pontificator.

God Denies Holocaust Deniers The Right To Be Called Human

God Isn't Happy With Holocaust Deniers

God Showing His Dislike Of Holocaust Deniers

God today, from His vacation home in Naples, Florida, issued a brief statement declaring He has taken the right to be called “human” away from those who deny the Holocaust.  “Let me start by saying, for those ‘Christians’ out there who fail to understand this, that I’m a Jew, and so is Jesus, my son,” God said. “And as a Jew, I’m disgusted and sickened by the actions of those individual entities known as ‘Holocaust Deniers.’ As well, I’m just as sickened by those who debate the final numbers of Jews killed during the Holocaust, as if 5 million murders is somehow less horrific than 7.  They seek to place blame on the victims of the Nazis by suggesting they deliberately exaggerated these numbers for the purpose of gaining sympathy. What right do those who seek to wipe out the crimes of Hitler and the Nazis have to call themselves human?  The brains of Holocaust deniers are small, feeble, and weak.  They espouse untrue and blatantly anti-Semitic nonsense and are an offense to me, God. Therefor, I am denying them the right to be called human. Henceforth, they will be known simply as ‘The Nameless Ones.’ As well, I will be certain that, when they die, they spend an eternity in Hell, being gassed to death, over and over and over again, in a ghoulishly designed gas chamber which, I assure you, they will not once deny is real.  Til then, your very Jewish friend, God.”

Now For Conspiracy Weather With Dick Boikins

Dick Boikins: Conspiracy Weather Man

Dick Boikins: Conspiracy Weather Forecaster

Greetings. I’m Dick Boikins, your weather conspiracy forecaster here at TACP presses. I’m here to give you the REAL forecast for the weather you think you are experiencing. What do I mean by this, my poor brain-washed friends? Let me explain. For the past few days, local weather forecasters in Chicago have been telling people it’s sunny and pleasant there with temps in the low 70’s. Yeah, right. And I suppose Miley Cyrus ISN’T a member of the Illuminati helping pave the way for Barrack Obama to reveal his true identity as the anti-Christ either.

I'm The WHAT???

I’m The WHAT???

Idiots! Blind idiots. That’s what you are if you actually BELIEVE the lies that emanate from weather forecasting conspirators who tell you it’s pleasant and sunny outside. Fools! Do you actually trust your senses? Do you think that just because it IS sunny and pleasant outside that it truly IS sunny and pleasant outside? Idiots! You’re mere puppets to the Illuminati if you trust only that which can be proven and fail to believe that which can not. You must open your eyes and have faith in the only truth there really is: no evidence is true evidence. Thus, in reality, it isn’t sunny and pleasant in Chicago. No. It’s hot there, very hot; as is every place else on Earth. That’s how the anti-Christ wants it to be. This is the only truth there is. And it is your inability to see this truth that makes it true. So WAKE UP or die. The choice is yours. I’m Dick Boikins, and that’s the weather. The REAL weather.

 

Ignorant By Choice And Proud Of It

The pictures below are of people who wear ignorance, stupidity, and hubris on their chests as if they were badges of honor bestowed upon them by all the leaders of the world at one time. These people need to stop breeding before they and their like cause the destruction of our species. (How’s that for a blanketed, biased, heavily one-sided statement, eh?)

Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are

Cognitively Stunted Morons In Australia Proudly Illustrating How Stupid They Are

 

 

 I'm Protesting Though I Don't Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism

I’m Protesting Though I Don’t Know A Damn Thing About Global Warming Or Socialism

 

 I'm A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?

I’m A Delusional Psychotic In Need Of Hospitalization Running A Tax Exempt Business. Who Am I?

 

 

Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot

Mommy Says No To Vaccinations Because Mommy Is An Idiot

 

Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.

Not Only Am I An Idiot, I want My Idiocy To Put Our Entire Species Risk.

 

Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment

Few, If Any, Can Top Us In Stupidity, Ignorance, And Severe Cognitive Impairment

 

Conspiracy Expert Says Nothing Existed Before Yesterday

The Beginning Of Time

The Beginning Of Time

In a shocking statement made before the U.S. Supreme Court this morning, Conspiracy expert and Catholic priest, Fr.Walter Pedofile, revealed that nothing in the universe existed before yesterday. “Existence began yesterday at 12:01 AM, Central Standard time,” Fr. Pedofile said to the court. “The reason we think things have been around for 13.8 billion years is because God created us with that thought imbedded in us already. But trust me when I say, we are all but one day old. And to make matters even more nebulous, if my calculations are correct, and they always are, nothing will exist after tomorrow either. We came from nothing and we will return to nothing once again, after enjoying but a 72 hour respite. That is the way of the Lord. Ours is not to reason why, but to accept the crazy shit God does. For, in the end, if you really think hard about it, there’s not a bloody thing we can do about it. Hope you all have a great day and enjoy yourselves. It’s the last any of us will ever have.”