Republican Apes

Bloodville, Transylvania.  Here are some wonderful pictures of Republican apes that were taken by our resident zoologist and pastry chef, Don T. Givashit.

1.) A Republican ape on global warming.

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I'm NOT Going To Listen!

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I’m NOT Going To Listen!

2.) A Republican porn star ape.

You Won't Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

You Won’t Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

3.) A Ronald Reagan era Republican ape.

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I'd Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There's A LOT More Bananas For Me!

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I’d Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There’s A LOT More Bananas For Me!

4.) A hypnotist Republican ape.

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, "Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy."

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, “Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy.”

5.) A Republican ape with his favorite pet.

Democrats Make Great House Pets And Servants, Says This Republican Orangutan.

Undocumented, Liberal Puppies Like This One Make Great House Pets And Servants, And All They’ll Cost You Are A Few Table Scraps. Now Go Fetch Me The Wall Street Journal, Boy!

fini

Advertisements

France To Invade Iraq Over Charlie Hebdo

The Ice Planet, Hoth.  Though freely admitting that it had absolutely nothing to do with the terrorist attack on Charlie Hebdo last week, one French military official is, nevertheless, calling for an invasion of Iraq anyway.

General Pierre Petite Pe'Pe

General Pierre Petite Pe’Pe

“If zee Americans kin do it, zo kin vee,” said General Pierre Petite Pe’Pe of the French Liberation Front. “It iz entirely pozzib’al zat zere are veaponz ov mass destruc’ee’oon zee Americans overlooked ven zay vere in Iraq zat may still poze zee threat to zee peoplez ov France. If zee Americans kin launch zee invaz’ee’on ov Iraq, because zay vere pizzed ovv after 9/11, zo kin vee after zis tragedy. It iz, af’zer all, only fair to allow us to do az zay did. Vee, too, vill tell zee United Nat’ee’oonz to pizz ovv if zay tellz uz not to do zis. Vive la France!”

The staff of The Arm Chair Pontificator’s French office will continue to keep you abreast of this situation as it develops; so, please, check back with us throughout the day.

An Interview With Darth Vader

While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff.  A transcript of the interview is presented below.

Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader

Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader

Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.

Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.

Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?

Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.

Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?

Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith.  As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?

Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?

Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE!  It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility.  And for that I say, thank you America.   Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.

Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.

Islamic Law Now Official Law Of U.S.

The New U.S. Constitution

The New U.S. Constitution

In order to keep up with the demand that god and faith become more incorporated, legally speaking, into the daily lives of Americans, Congress today voted that Islamic Law now become the ONLY law in America. “Yeah,” said Congressman and Sheikh, Joe Doohicky of Virginia, “we in Congress just got tired of all this bitchin’ and moanin’ over what exactly is and what exactly isn’t separation of church and state. So, we decided to toss out the state part all together and make America Islamic by law. Things are just bloody simpler this way. Why Islam, you ask? The answer is easy: because there is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. Let me repeat that for you, just so there’s no confusion, OK? There is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. This means, that as of tomorrow, July fourth, no religion but Islam can be practiced or even mentioned by any American citizen ever again. Anyone doing so will be immediately stoned to death. As well, every American female will now keep her face completely covered when in public. We don’t want women, the temptresses of Satan, encouraging decent men to rape them with their demonic faces and seductive eyes. Women not following this law will be put to death by stoning. Immediately.

Follow The Law Or Else

Follow The Law, Or Else

Remember this, and all will be well: there is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. We followers of Allah, who make up the Congress of the United States, have killed every member of the Supreme Court and the President. As well, we’ve taken total control of the military and will nuke any state that does not comply with this new law. We, your Islamic Congress, are now everything to you, America, like it or not. We wish you, and your loved ones, a very blessed, Islamic, Fourth of July. It is the day America will remember as the day it truly became one nation under one god, Allah. The right religion has finally been made into the law of the land. There is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet.”

Elmer Fudd Says, “Be Verwee, Verwee Quite. I’m Hunting Wiberals!”

Elmer Fudd, the beloved Warner Bros cartoon character, announced today that he will no longer hunt for his elusive arch nemesis, Bugs Bunny. Instead, Mr. Fudd stated, he will point his rifle at targets easier to hit, namely, liberals, a-theists and anyone having ever read a book by Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins. “Bugs was just too hard to kill,” Mr. Fudd said. “Wiberals and dose who don’t beeweeve in our Ward Jeebus Chwist are easier to kill and deserb to die fer der horrible beweefs.”

Be Verwee Quite! I'm Hunting Wiberals!

Be Verwee Quite! I’m Hunting Wiberals!

It’s uncertain how seriously Mr. Fudd’s threat should be taken, however, because he is only a cartoon character firing cartoon bullets. Thus, the likelihood of anyone actually being hurt by him is practically nonexistent.

Time For Texas To Be Removed From The U.S.

Texas In Space And Free Of Liberals At Last

Texas In Space And Free Of Liberals At Last

Like a date who keeps sticking her tongue in your mouth while you’re trying to watch a movie, it is time Texas be asked to go sit on another couch. Really, enough already. Our ancestors didn’t come out of a fucking cave to eventually be forced back into one. If Texas were gone, it would not only be better for the rest of America, but for it as well. Texas would be free of pesky-ass, liberal assholes like me who think the death penalty is wrong, women actually have a right to their own bodies, and guns need to be banned. They could lock chastity devices on women, make everyone go to church, the RIGHT church of course, and they could freely kill any person they deemed was evil or wearing a hoodie. And I have come up with a great idea on how we can cut Texas free that will make everyone involved happy.

Let’s put rockets under the bedrock of Texas and blast it off into space!!! It would never have to see us again, and we’d never have to see it. It would be its own planet practically. And if this works, and why wouldn’t it, we could do the same thing to Florida too. Amen and Hallelujah!

Shocking Study Reveals Tea Party Members Have No Genitalia

Tea Party Members Have No Genitalia

Tea Party Members Lack Genitalia

In shocking news today, The University of Chicago’s School of Really Neat But Useless Shit released findings on a 3 year study to determine if and how the genitals of Tea Party members differed from those of normal, less wealthy, not-as-white, human beings. “UNFUCKIN’ BELIEVABLE!!” said Useless Shit Professor, Veronica Easypie, this morning. “I’ve been involved with this study from the very beginning, and I was expecting some really fucked up results to come from it, but this? I mean, these tight-ass, rich, mostly white, douche bags have NO EXTERNAL REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS! No wonder they’re so hung up on who’s sleeping with who and who’s outy belongs with who’s inny. They can’t FUCK!! Can you imagine the pent-up hostility they must have toward normal people?! I myself do not believe in a divine being or a god, but if one does exists, it sure as hell fucked these bastards over big time. I still hate the self-righteous shit-bags, but at least now I get why they are such dicks to the rest of us. Wow.”