While in town to promote his new cologne, “Scent of An Iron Lung,” Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, took a few minutes to answer questions for “Tribune” political reporter, Sally Getmeoff. A transcript of the interview is presented below.
Tribune Political Reporter, Sally Getmeoff With Darth Vader
Sally: Thank you for letting me interview you, Lord Vader.
Vader: Your thanks are not required. But your loyalty to the Dark Side of the Force is.
Sally: That is actually a good lead in for my first question. Many Conservative Christians see the legalization of gay marriage as a dark, almost evil occurrence. What are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Vader: Gay marriage is insignificant compared to the POWER of the FORCE! To the Sith, POWER is all that matters. We do not attempt to hide that fact behind a smoke screen of self-righteous intent as your “Christians” do. They foolishly believe their faith makes them powerful when, in fact, it shows them for the weak, imbecilic fools they truly are.
Sally: Fascinating. For my next question, I’d like you to give us your thoughts on Obama Care. Do you agree with many conservatives that it boarders on socialism or even fascism by the Obama administration?
Vader: When it comes to dictatorial forms of government, conservatives are but the learners, and I AM THEIR MASTER! They will all kneel before me when I proclaim myself Emperor and Master of their pathetic world. THIS is the way of the Sith. As is providing decent medical coverage to everyone in said Empire. For what good is an Empire that doesn’t provide decent medical coverage for all its subjects, rich and poor?
Sally: Good question, Lord Vader. Good question, indeed. Now for my last question. What is your opinion on the use of armed drones in the fight against terrorism in the Middle East?
Vader: To kill that coldly, with an unmanned aircraft piloted safely from thousands of miles away, is truly the path to the Dark Side of the Force. I can FEEL the ANGER these drones create in their victims. It gives them FOCUS. It makes them POWERFUL. It fuels their desire for REVENGE! It makes an end to senseless killing a complete impossibility. And for that I say, thank you America. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to meet my son, Luke, for dinner, and I need to polish my helmet before I do. A pristine image is always a must for the Sith.
Sally: Thank you again, Lord Vader, and good luck in your ongoing war with the Jedi.