Jodie Foster married her girlfriend, photographer Alexandra Hedison, last weekend and the bigoted world of Christendom has remained silent about it. Knowing full well of the hatred, fear and disdain many Christians have toward homosexuals, and gay marriage in particular, I was curious as to why this was. So I contacted Reverend Tom Diddelsman, a spokesman for the Texas-based anti-gay organization, “Christians United In Love To Hate Fags,” to ask him why this was. Here’s what he said.

Newly Weds Jodie Foster And Alexandra Hedison

“In case you haven’t noticed, you pontificating know it all, Jodie Foster isn’t a faggot. Hell, man, she ain’t even a dyke! Look at ‘er! She’s pretty. And so’s the gal she’s taking turns munching carpets with. That ain’t gross. That’s hot! You gotta be some kind of a penis hungry faggot not to see how hot it is. That kinda thing we need more of. God didn’t smash Sodom to rubble and kill every man, woman, and child in it cause hot babes were sixty-ninin’! He did it cause groups of faggot men were gang rapin’ male visitors to the city. Hell, they even tried rapin’ the damn angels God sent to destroy it! Friggin’ faggots! Make me sick.

Good Kiss

Only thing that we Christians hate almost, and I emphasize ALMOST, as much as faggots are bull dykes. You know, carpet munchin’ ladies who look more like men than women. Them we hate. But pretty, feminine lookin’ women who carpet munch? No sir, them we definitely do not hate. It’s all logical once you see what Jesus wants. He wants what makes the cocks of heterosexual Christian males tingle with lust to be accepted and what doesn’t to be despised. It’s only marriages between two faggots that we’re against cause, shit, it’s gross imagining two buff, sweaty, naked, hunks pounding their long, thick erect penises in and out of each others gaping man holes in a loving, wedded relationship

Bad Kiss

Who could think such a scenario is acceptable? But marriage between two smokin’ hot babes who live for no other purpose than to make each other writhe in orgasm via long, slow, wet cunnilingus, is completely acceptable and, in many cases, quite desirable. Hope this has been helpful, and be sure to let me know if you need clarification on anything else that Jesus wants. Have a great day basking in Christ’s love. A love which he shines equally on all God’s people. Amen.”