Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

Even If You Have To Make It Up

Even If You Have To Make It Up

How long would it take you to come up with an explanation as to why an apple is actually an orange? It doesn’t have to be a logical or believable explanation, just one that makes an apple an orange. It can be a magical explanation, a science fiction type of explanation, or a “mysterious” type of explanation. Doesn’t matter.

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

What matters is that you present it as absolute, undeniable fact with an extremely condescending tone toward anyone who suggests you just blew it straight out your ass. This is the type of thing you get to do every day as an Apologist for the religion of your choice. Christians and Muslims have lots of these guys. Some like doing it so much, they do it for free. This is how Noah was able to, literally, put two of each kind of animal on the Ark. An Apologist for Creationism made up a way he could have done it, and presented it as dogma to people who really, really wanted to believe it, and bravo! The Ark story, literally, happened, and now, anyone who questions the idiotic reasoning behind this belief is called a bigot who’s persecuting Creationists. Most people don’t want to be considered a bigot, so they stop asking questions. See how it works? Another benefit to being an Apologist is the enormous amount of deference and respect you’ll receive, even from those who know you’re completely full of shit. Most Americans love Faith so much, they’d rather ostracize those who question it than listen to the questions they ask. Thus, they don’t ask.

I'm An Apologist Cause I Can't Sing Or Dance

I’m An Apologist Cause I Can’t Sing Or Dance

Just mention that you’re a person of strong belief, and people you’ve never even met will ring you to see if you need help wiping your ass. Deference and respect await you as an Apologist, though you’ve not done a fucking thing to earn them. And, if you get to be a good “emergency” Apologist, one who can create enough black smoke to cover up damning questions from, say, a learned cosmologist during a debate, you may even get to be in a YouTube video that goes viral. It’s awesome when that happens because no matter how fucking ridiculous you sound, half the people who watch the video will say you kicked the cosmologist’s ass with your witty answers. So, if any of this sounds like it’s up your bullshit filled alley, give Apologetics a try. The world could always use more equivocated bullshit to believe is undeniably and infallibly true.

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31 thoughts on “Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

  1. Sometimes I wish I could make a living as an apologist…it’s the easiest job in the world: You merely place the burden of proof on anyone who thinks twice about getting you a cup of coffee. Seriously, how DOES one become an apologist? I’m constantly short on cash and I’m looking for people who are willing to give it to me for no sensible reason whatsoever (I’d rather prostitute Virgin Mary than myself, you see?)

    • I believe they have Theological Schools you can go to to specialize in apologetics as a Christian minister. Really, there are. It took me a very long time to realize, there really are people who call themselves apologetics and really believe literally in the Bible. Scary. I’m not criticizing people’s belief in a positive higher power or whatever it is they need to help them positively connect to the world, but the Bible and all the shit in it, taken literally, is in no way a positive thing for the world.

  2. Religious apologists are guys who make a living of lying through their teeth

  3. Sadly true, but true nevertheless…
    Been there, done that…
    Apologetics is the religious marketing of miracle questions for non-existing answers…
    Ponder on that☺

    • Ahhh! I see. A nebulous yet seemingly ambiguous statement of verisimilitude on the level of importance akin to balderdash. Good point. Let’s start a religion. They’ll be eatin’ outta our hands in no time.

    • Now hold on for a sec!
      First we have to establish the rules for eating out of our hands, the both theological and teleological meaning of hands in their original meaning, and the origins…
      Second, we’ll have to establish the soteriological meaning of the whatever they will be eating, and also the permitted and non permitted whatever that is…
      Third, we have to establish a central place of worship, far away from anyone, to make a divine worship tourism agency justifiable in order to apply for tax exempt status and public education funding…
      Fourth, we have to establish the dogmatic importance of the above, previous three points, in order to determine the holy days and festivals…
      Fifth, since you are inspiredbythedivine1 and therefore omnipotent lord god creator, can I humbly apply for Eternal Vicar of IBTD1 status, to be revised only after eternity?
      Please reply ASAP, as donations seem to be already flowing☺

    • You are the vicar. And as long as we sanctify the potato and vilify the cabbage, both hands can come together into a formal cup in which donations to said divine1 and his said vicar can be given in a tax exempt fashion, undeniably. Amen.

    • Thou have spoken, and thy word has left thy mouth into its eternal existence! Amen and Amen!

    • Imperious Rex! And a wooo woooo woooo wooo!! Coitently!!!

    • You inspire me my friend. A voice of reason and one I can call on when I have a noisy apologist on my spot

    • Honoured to be amongst your friends☺

    • Same here, my friend. Same here. I’m so glad I did this blog because I’ve met some incredibly intelligent and decent people through it. Gives me hope that our race isn’t totally fucked in the head.

    • Amen to that☺

    • And Hallelujah.

    • Apologists are so ridiculously idiotic, I thought it had to be a joke when someone told me they took their work of lying seriously. Unreal.

    • It is unbelievable

  4. An intellectual smack in the face for idiots; music to the ears of regular folk – fine post.

    • Thank you. I’m a very gentle person in person, so I use this blog to blow off steam about shit that bothers me. Apologetics are right up there on my list of shit that bugs me. Absolute idiocy.

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