Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

Even If You Have To Make It Up

Even If You Have To Make It Up

How long would it take you to come up with an explanation as to why an apple is actually an orange? It doesn’t have to be a logical or believable explanation, just one that makes an apple an orange. It can be a magical explanation, a science fiction type of explanation, or a “mysterious” type of explanation. Doesn’t matter.

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

Wanted By Vatican To Make Little Boy Rape Holy

What matters is that you present it as absolute, undeniable fact with an extremely condescending tone toward anyone who suggests you just blew it straight out your ass. This is the type of thing you get to do every day as an Apologist for the religion of your choice. Christians and Muslims have lots of these guys. Some like doing it so much, they do it for free. This is how Noah was able to, literally, put two of each kind of animal on the Ark. An Apologist for Creationism made up a way he could have done it, and presented it as dogma to people who really, really wanted to believe it, and bravo! The Ark story, literally, happened, and now, anyone who questions the idiotic reasoning behind this belief is called a bigot who’s persecuting Creationists. Most people don’t want to be considered a bigot, so they stop asking questions. See how it works? Another benefit to being an Apologist is the enormous amount of deference and respect you’ll receive, even from those who know you’re completely full of shit. Most Americans love Faith so much, they’d rather ostracize those who question it than listen to the questions they ask. Thus, they don’t ask.

I'm An Apologist Cause I Can't Sing Or Dance

I’m An Apologist Cause I Can’t Sing Or Dance

Just mention that you’re a person of strong belief, and people you’ve never even met will ring you to see if you need help wiping your ass. Deference and respect await you as an Apologist, though you’ve not done a fucking thing to earn them. And, if you get to be a good “emergency” Apologist, one who can create enough black smoke to cover up damning questions from, say, a learned cosmologist during a debate, you may even get to be in a YouTube video that goes viral. It’s awesome when that happens because no matter how fucking ridiculous you sound, half the people who watch the video will say you kicked the cosmologist’s ass with your witty answers. So, if any of this sounds like it’s up your bullshit filled alley, give Apologetics a try. The world could always use more equivocated bullshit to believe is undeniably and infallibly true.

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31 thoughts on “Apologetics: The Art Of Equivocating Bullshit Into Dogma

  1. Sometimes I wish I could make a living as an apologist…it’s the easiest job in the world: You merely place the burden of proof on anyone who thinks twice about getting you a cup of coffee. Seriously, how DOES one become an apologist? I’m constantly short on cash and I’m looking for people who are willing to give it to me for no sensible reason whatsoever (I’d rather prostitute Virgin Mary than myself, you see?)

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    • I believe they have Theological Schools you can go to to specialize in apologetics as a Christian minister. Really, there are. It took me a very long time to realize, there really are people who call themselves apologetics and really believe literally in the Bible. Scary. I’m not criticizing people’s belief in a positive higher power or whatever it is they need to help them positively connect to the world, but the Bible and all the shit in it, taken literally, is in no way a positive thing for the world.

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  2. Religious apologists are guys who make a living of lying through their teeth

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  3. Sadly true, but true nevertheless…
    Been there, done that…
    Apologetics is the religious marketing of miracle questions for non-existing answers…
    Ponder on that☺

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  4. An intellectual smack in the face for idiots; music to the ears of regular folk – fine post.

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    • Thank you. I’m a very gentle person in person, so I use this blog to blow off steam about shit that bothers me. Apologetics are right up there on my list of shit that bugs me. Absolute idiocy.

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