Greetings, Pontificator readers. I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible. Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.
2.) The Holy Spirit
3.) St. Paul
4.) Baby Jesus
5.) Mary Magdalene
Planet Vulcan. Biblical scholar, Reverend Pheal MeKiddies, unknown throughout the world, dropped by the Hong Kong office of TACP today to show us some lovely pictures he’d found in Istanbul of famous Bible butts. So, without further wordplay, we present them for you below.
1.) First, we have this fine picture of Yahweh’s favorite, and only, son, Jesus, performing one of his patented miracles.
2.) Next, we present this unique photo which proves that even God Himself has been known to litter from time to time.
3.) Here we have a rather interesting pic of Mary Magdalene’s exquisite derriere just after she had it tattooed.
4.) This one speaks for itself.
5.) As does this one.
6.) And, of course, we saved the best for last.
SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.
Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!
Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!
Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?
Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.
Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….
Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!
“Funny you should ask,” said Moses during a break today from promoting his new book, ‘Dating Tips for the Biblically Ancient’. ” I just so happen to have brought my Christmas want list with me. I’ve learned over the years that if I don’t loudly tell people what I want I won’t get anything. Some folks assume because I’m Jewish I don’t celebrate Christmas. To them I say, nonsense, Jesus has been my golfing partner for, like, 1500 years. I think the least I could do is celebrate the dude’s birthday.” Moses then went on to list a multitude of items he wanted from his rocky list. Since most of these items haven’t existed for almost 4000 years, so we won’t bother to list them here.
*Moses and the Biblical inhabitants of the after-life would like to wish the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator a very Merry Christmas, and a very drunk, but safe New Year.