And Now, Mental Health Advice From Moses

Dear Moses, my name is Veronica Precious. I'm 16 years old, and I'm simply plagued by anxiety over boys. I want to date and have fun like other girls my age, but whenever a boy tries to ask me out, I get so nervous, I always say no. Can you give me some mental health advice so I came overcome this problem? Thanks in advance, Veronica Precious, an anxious 16 year girl.

Dear Moses, my name is Veronica Precious. I’m 16 years old, and I’m simply plagued by anxiety over boys. I want to date and have fun like other girls my age, but whenever a boy tries to ask me out, I get so nervous, I always say no. Can you give me some mental health advice so I can overcome this problem?   Thanks in advance, Veronica Precious, an anxious 16 year girl.

 

Veronica, GET OVER YOURSELF! Anxiety? Over boys? Let me tell you about anxiety, young lady. Have you ever tried leading 2.5 million Jews through a friggin' desert for 40 years? Have you? Well, I have. Let me tell you, the amount of whining and bitching I had to put up with would drive the calmest person insane with anxiety. "Are we there yet, Moses?" "Moses, can we stop? I gotta pee." "Moses. can I sleep in your tent tonight? I'm scared." "I got sand in my eye, Moses." "How many commandments are there again, Moses?" They drove me BATS!!! Bats, I tellz ya'! So, get over yourself, Veronica and go out with a boy already. In my day, at 16, a girl would have had 3 kids already. Imagine THAT anxiety. Hope this was helpful. Yours in good mental health, Moses

Veronica, GET OVER YOURSELF! Anxiety? Over boys? Let me tell you about anxiety, young lady. Have you ever tried leading 2.5 million Jews through a friggin’ desert for 40 years? Have you? Well, I have. And let me tell you, the amount of whining and bitching I had to put up with would drive the calmest person insane with anxiety.  “Are we there yet, Moses?”  “Moses, can we stop? I gotta pee.”  “Moses. can I sleep in your tent tonight? I’m scared.”  “I got sand in my eyes, Moses.”  “How many commandments are there again, Moses?”  They drove me BATS!!!  Bats, I tellz ya’!  So, get over yourself, Veronica and go out with a boy already.  In my day, at 16, a girl would have had 3 kids already. Imagine THAT anxiety.   Hope this was helpful.     Yours in good mental health, Moses.

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Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

A Tale From The Book Of Exodus

 As Moses Was Walking Down The Road To Leave Egypt, A Sharp Stone Slipped Into His Sandal Cutting His Foot Badly.   Moses Then Cried Out, "GOD DAMN IT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! MY FOOT!!! THESE FRIGGIN" EGYPTIAN SANDALS ARE FOR SHIT!!!! SON OF A GOD DAMN BITCH THIS HURTS!!!"  Exodus, 23:24:25

As Moses Was Walking Down The Road Leaving Egypt, A Sharp Stone Slipped Into His Sandal Cutting His Foot Badly.  Moses Then Cried Out, “GOD DAMN IT!!! SON OF A BITCH!!! MY FOOT!!! THESE FRIGGIN” EGYPTIAN SANDALS ARE FOR SHIT!!!! SON OF A GOD DAMN BITCH THIS HURTS!!!”
Exodus, 23:24-25

Now A Quote From Moses

My Agent Just Called And Said They Loved My Audition, But I Didn't Look "Jewish" Enough To Play Tevye In Fiddler On The Roof. WTF Are They Looking For? I'm MOSES For Christ Sake!  You Can't Get More Jewish Than Me!

My Agent Just Called And Said They Loved My Audition, But I Wasn’t “Jewish” Enough To Play Tevye In Their Production Of Fiddler On The Roof. WTF Are They Talking About?! I’m MOSES For Christ Sake! You Can’t Get More Friggin’ Jewish Than Me!

Famous Bible Butts

Planet Vulcan.  Biblical scholar, Reverend Pheal MeKiddies, unknown throughout the world, dropped by the Hong Kong office of TACP today to show us some lovely pictures he’d found in Istanbul of famous Bible butts. So, without further wordplay, we present them for you below.

1.) First, we have this fine picture of Yahweh’s favorite, and only, son, Jesus, performing one of his patented miracles.

Jesus Turning One Butt Into Many

Jesus Turns One Butt Into Many

2.) Next, we present this unique photo which proves that even God Himself has been known to litter from time to time.

Cigar Butt Left On A Rainbow By God

Cigar Butt Left On A Rainbow By God

3.) Here we have a rather interesting pic of Mary Magdalene’s exquisite derriere just after she had it tattooed.

Mary Magdalene's Freshly Tattooed Butt. Meow!

Mary Magdalene’s Freshly Tattooed Butt. Meow!

4.) This one speaks for itself.

 Mose's Horse, "Nazi Stomper", Shows Us What He Thinks Of Nazis

Moses’ Horse, “Nazi Stomper”, Shows Us What He Thinks Of Nazis

5.) As does this one.

Saints Peter & Paul Show Their Wares Whilst Bowing Before Their Master

Saints Peter & Paul Show Their Wares Whilst Bowing Before Their Master

6.) And, of course, we saved the best for last.

 The Son Of Man's Divine Butt

The Son Of Man’s Divine, Freshly Shaven, Butt

The End

Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!

What Does Moses Want For Christmas?

Moses Reads His Christmas Wish List

Moses Reads His Christmas Wish List

“Funny you should ask,” said Moses during a break today from promoting his new book, ‘Dating Tips for the Biblically Ancient’.  ” I just so happen to have brought my Christmas want list with me.  I’ve learned over the years that if I don’t loudly tell people what I want I won’t get anything.  Some folks assume because I’m Jewish I don’t celebrate Christmas.  To them I say, nonsense, Jesus has been my golfing partner for, like, 1500 years.  I think the least I could do is celebrate the dude’s birthday.”   Moses then went on to list a multitude of items he wanted from his rocky list.  Since most of these items haven’t existed for almost 4000 years, so we won’t bother to list them here.

*Moses and the Biblical inhabitants of the after-life would like to wish the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator a very Merry Christmas, and a very drunk, but safe New Year.