The After-Life, Heaven. In a twist of fate that can only be described as poetically ironic, Christopher Hitchens, writer, journalist, and self-described anti-theist signed a copy of his book, God Is Not Great, for none other than God Himsef last night at a Barnes & Noble in Heaven. “God’s one my biggest fans up here,” Mr. Hitchens told reporters during the signing event which was held to help him promote his newest book, When Being Wrong Is Better Than Being Right. “I got a call from Him the minute I first arrived here at the end of 2011. I was pleasantly surprised, to put it mildly, that I was mistaken about my certainty of His non-existence. He told me He loved my work and that I’d often convinced even Him at times that He didn’t exist. Then He invited me over to His place for martinis and cigarettes and we ended up talking, drinking and smoking until the wee small hours of the morning.” Mr.Hitchens finished by saying God has great taste in art and literature, and loves science as much as anyone he’s ever meet. “He’d make one hell of a convincing atheist if it weren’t for the fact that He is, indeed, God,” Mr. Hitchens concluded.
TACP is very proud to present: “A Christmas Carol,” with Pat Robertson as Scrooge, Barack Obama as The Ghost of Christmas Past, and the ghost of Christopher Hitchens as The Ghost of Christmases yet to come. The film opens on Christmas Eve. Get your tickets early, cause this movie is gonna rock! Brief scenes from the script by Quintin Tarantino will be presented on an ongoing basis right here to whet your appetite for the movie. The film was co-directed by Martin Scorsese and Lars Von Trier and features a sound track by John Williams.
Scene one: Scrooge’s bedroom, dusk. Scrooge is tossing darts at a dart board with the words “Obama Care” written in the bull’s-eye. The Ghost of Christmas Past enters by crawling through an open window, startling Scrooge.
Scrooge: What in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, do you think you’re doing crawling into my house, black person? One call and your humbug butt gets arrested; then found guilty, and then executed for being a black man who crawled into a white man’s house through the window.
Ghost: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past, and I have come to show you how past Christmases have helped turn you into the grouchy-ass racist mother fucker you are today, Mr. Scrooge.
Scrooge: Racist? I’m not racist. Two of my septic tank cleaners are black, and another is an illegal alien who I pay a whopping 15 cents a day to. Humbug, I say! Humbug! I’m about as progressive as you can get after surpassing a certain tax bracket. I’m conservative, a Tea Party member, a Christian, white, and rich. You, know, a real American.
Ghost: Believe me, sir, you are far from being progressive on anything. Now, take my hand and I’ll transport you back to earlier Christmases so you can see how the mother fucker you are today was formed.
Scrooge: Hand? I have to touch you to do this? But you’re black. I might catch something. Have you done this before?
Ghost: Just take my fucking hand before I kick your old white ass all over the damn room.
Scrooge takes the Ghost’s hand and we fade to black.
End of part one.
Elmer Fudd, the beloved Warner Bros cartoon character, announced today that he will no longer hunt for his elusive arch nemesis, Bugs Bunny. Instead, Mr. Fudd stated, he will point his rifle at targets easier to hit, namely, liberals, a-theists and anyone having ever read a book by Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins. “Bugs was just too hard to kill,” Mr. Fudd said. “Wiberals and dose who don’t beeweeve in our Ward Jeebus Chwist are easier to kill and deserb to die fer der horrible beweefs.”
It’s uncertain how seriously Mr. Fudd’s threat should be taken, however, because he is only a cartoon character firing cartoon bullets. Thus, the likelihood of anyone actually being hurt by him is practically nonexistent.
In the Vatican Sunday, Pope Francis announced the canonization of two new Saints, Pope St. John Paul II and Pope St. John XXIII. What a bloody yawn fest! I mean, really, is anyone surprised by this? No? I didn’t think so. Typical Catholic BS, canonizing two of their own into sainthood while ignoring all the other, non-traditional, less Catholic, candidates out there who’d make terrific saints given the chance. I’ve put together a list of five unique people I feel Pope Francis simply must consider for sainthood. Most, if not all, have displayed some sort of miraculous power at one time or another, too, which should make the Pope’s decision to canonize them a no brainer. Here they are.
1.) Obi-Wan Kenobi: Obi-Wan fought alongside Princess Leia’s father, Bail Organa, during the Clone Wars and started Luke Skywalker on his path to becoming a powerful Jedi Knight. He can do cool Jesus-like shit through his mastery of the Force, and would be an awesome Saint to help God in his fight against the Devil.
2.) Arthur (The Fonz) Fonzarelli: What else is there to say about the Fonz except that he is the King of Cool! His ability to calm rambunctious teenagers who are hopped up on hormones and narcotics with just a raise of his thumbs and an utterance of his patented, “Cool It!” makes him the perfect choice to become a Saint so cool even atheists will love him.
3.) Gandalf: Not to award Gandalf with the title of Saint after all he’s done to help both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins in their battles to keep Middle Earth free of evil would be akin to reforging the One Ring and turning every Hobbit in the Shire into a flesh-eating ghoul with it. As well, Gandalf’s magic would be most helpful in finding and killing the demons of Hell that hide under our beds at night, should he become canonized.
4.) Christopher Hitchens: If Hitch were canonized, it would piss off both the atheists, who insist there’s no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in, and the Christians, whom Hitchens outraged by telling them there was no god and no Heaven to be a Saint in. I get a huge grin just thinking about the irony of it. Also, if God does exist, a canonized Hitch would be great company for him. Both of ’em are argumentative know-it-alls and could keep each other occupied for weeks fighting over benign, meaningless shit that no one cares about but them.
5.) Thor: I love Thor. He’d be a kick-ass Saint and would strike fear into the hearts of Satan and his hideously evil minions by blasting them with lightning from his hammer Mjolnir. Plus, Thor’s already a God, so making him a Saint, too, should not be a problem for the Pope.
PZ Myers, internet guru and troll, said today he has abandoned skeptical thinking completely. “Fuck it!” Myers said. “I quit the skeptic movement a year or so ago, and people STILL insist on not accepting me as their god. So from now on, I refuse to be skeptical about ANYTHING! Now if you’ll excuse me, I just purchased the Golden Gate Bridge and I’m off to ‘Frisco to claim it.”
We here TACP wish Mr. Myers all the best, and thank him for all the memories, as this is most likely the last post about him we’ll ever write. Well, maybe not THE last, but ONE of the last at least.
Forgot to do this earlier in the week, but I predicted last year that this would happen, so it simply adds to my confirmation bias that I’m an infallible genius because I said so. Anyway, I am an excellent psychic because I am a man of Faith. The one true Faith: Mine. Here are my predictions for 2014 which will happen, and if they don’t, I’ll say they did anyway and those who doubt me will be dubbed Faithless, a-theist bastards. And all Faithless, a-theist bastards will be burned at the stake for doubting me. Faith, my friends, is all you need.
The President will chastise the Nobel Prize Committee for not yet awarding me my Nobel Prize. He will then give me my own drone to intimidate them with until they do.
Ken Ham will kick Bill Nye’s ass during their debate forcing the ghost of Christopher Hitchens to return from the dead and drag Ken Ham back with him into Hell.
PZ Myers will be outed as a clown school drop out who’s only major accomplishment in life was to learn his ABC’s correctly way back in the 1st grade.
Tea Party members will continue to be rich, white, Christian, and irritating. However, those in the party owning guns, will all accidentally shoot themselves in the right foot during a routine barrel cleaning and proclaim, “Good God! Liberals have rigged my weapon to attack me somehow!”
Man-induced global warming will continue to increase until new strands of flesh-eating bacteria all but wipe out humanity. This will induce Republicans to proclaim,” Good God! Liberals have created new strands of flesh-eating bacteria and released them on us!”
Mitt Romney will still be pissed off about the election he lost to a black man.
Little boy Catholic priest rapists will be accused of embezzling funds from the Vatican bank prompting authorities to finally admit there is a definite problem in the Catholic Church with little boy priest rapists.
Sarah Palin will be abducted by a Yeti in Alaska and disappear for 9 months. When found, it will be learned she has become the proud mother of Yeti twins, a boy and a girl.
Jesus will return to Earth and slap the shit out of Christian religious leaders; he’ll then return to Heaven without once having uttered a single word.
Theology will be banned as an academic study and those seeking to study it will be placed in an empty, pitch-black room and told if they can find the raccoon in it, they can get some candy and go to heaven.
And now, so the drinking can begin, the conclusion of “Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation: New Year On Hold.” A story “Time” magazine has called, “An unclassifiable assemblage of English words, sentences, and paragraphs so far beyond necessity, one can’t help but feel they must surely mean SOMETHING to SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE.
“Moses: OK, Kid. Listen up. There’s one thing you’ve got going for you here that no Right Wing, Tea Bangin’, Christian Conservative Texan can deny: You, Kiddo, are an unborn fetus! You don’t “officially” get born into this realm until midnight tonight, when Old Year 2013 gets sent packing to the Palooka Ville retirement home for years gone by. Just because you jumped the gun and decided to go cruising for a bit of nooky before your official, shall we say, expulsion from the womb of time, doesn’t make this any less a fact. You are a gestating timeline of an infant, and you can not be withheld from your birth into the world of existence without those preventing said birth from being labeled abortionists for doing so. Thus, to keep your perverted ass locked up here in Corpus Cristi, rather than letting you be born, is akin to killing you via an abortion.
Baby New Year: Wow. That’s awesome lawyer thinking there Moses. I’m impressed. Get me outta here, and tonight, you can join me for some of the best partying your withered old arse has or will ever see.
Moses: No thanks. Jesus and I watch “Casablanca” every New Years Eve, and I wouldn’t miss that or his special “Savior Seasoned” popcorn, for anything. I think Elvis and Christopher Hitchens are joining us this year, too. Great guys, but back to you. They’re coming to take us to see the judge in a minute or two. Just let me do ALL the talking, and we should be fine. OK?
Baby New Year: You bet yer ass Pops!
There is silence on the SETI tapes TACP used to transcribe this truth-ridden tale of the odd, for several minutes. Then a final statement is clearly heard being given by Judge Righteous M. Fukker, the judge who apparently heard Baby New Years’ case. This statement is presented below without one tiny thing about it being made up or exaggerated in the least.
Judge R.M. Fukker: Well now, don’t that all just sound like a Yankee Liberal abortionists’ wet friggin’ dream come true, eh boys? You damn Yankees go around pullin’ fetuses outta Christian women’s wombs up north like you was no more than pullin’ lice outta some youngin’s hair when it suits yer fancy ta do so. Ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth, eh boys? And now you all is gonna tell me, an honored and highly respected judge, that I shouldn’t hold this here perverted little shit-ball hooker chaser in my jail cell til his arm pit hair grows grey and chokes him to death because I’d be performin’ an ABORTION by doin’ so myself? Well ain’t that the som’bitchin’ truth of it then. Not a bad bit of lawyerin’ there old Jewish feller. Not bad at all. I’m gonna let yer little bastard buddy go with just a warnin’ this time, but fuck up in Texas again, boy, and I’ll send you away for so long there won’t be time to tell time by when yer abortion lovin’ a-theist Yankee ass gets out. Ya god dang som’bitch ya!
Moses: He’ll behave your honor. I promise you. And thank you very much, Sir.
Baby New Year: Yes. Thanks. And Happy New Year to you and to all the readers of The Arm Chair Pontificator, where cannibalism is only bad if you under cook the meat.