Dear Christians, It Is Not Your God I Hate, It’s You

I came across this cognitively impaired article yesterday which addresses an issue some Christians seem to think non-believing bastards like me have with their god and/or the Biblical figure of Jesus. They claim we hate them:

Not Your Made Up God

Not Your Made Up God

Apparently, the omnipotent, all-knowing Christian who wrote this article knows every atheist personally, and he knows with absolute certainty that every single one of them, including me, hates the specific god he believes in. This hatred is evident because, in this idiot’s damaged mind, disbelief in his god equates with hatred of his god. Interesting. I don’t believe in Allah, Thor, Zeus, Osiris, or Athena either. Does that mean I hate them too? No. No, you asshole, it does not mean anything of the sort. I do not hate your god, you fuck head. I do not believe in gods, yours include. Thus, you have no god for me to hate. Also, I do not hate Jesus. I like him, actually. However, I see absolutely nothing of Jesus in you, nor in any Christian I’ve ever known.

Gandhi Said It Too, Asshole

Gandhi Said It Too, Asshole

There is nothing of Jesus in Christianity. Nothing whatsoever. So, let me be frank, you fucking asshole, it is not some non-existent god of yours I hate. It’s you. I hate you, you fucking dog-ass licker. Just you. I hate you because you’ve gone out of your way to insult my intelligence and my integrity with your article about non-believers. I’m taking your generalizations very personally, ass-face. And, now, I’m crudely insulting you, you fucking tampon, because, unlike you, I admit I’m a petty person.

So Now I'm Gonna Show You

So Now I’m Gonna Show You

And I take great satisfaction from saying petty, mean things to insulting pieces of Christian shit like you. You went out of your way to insult me with your generalizations about non-believers in your article. You’ve never even met me, you fucking cock sucker. You’re spineless, and I direct all of my hate right at you and only you. You are a meaningless, pointless, waste of life. The next time you write insulting, derogatory lies about non-believers, I’m going to find out who and where you are and come after you. And when I find you, I’m going to beat you so hard and for so long that you’ll promise me you’ll suck my cock just to make me stop. And I will stop. I’ll stop, and I’ll make you suck me off until I cum down your lying throat, you miserable fucking asshole. Now, go spank yourself with a long, braided belt. You’ve been a very nasty fucking bitch today. How do you feel now, shit ball? Hated? Good. Cause you are.

Carl Sagan Returns From The Dead Via Wormhole

Carl Sagan returned from the dead a few hours ago. Here’s what he had to say about it.

“In spite of the billions and billions of odds against it, I’ve come back from the dead via the wormhole you see behind me in the picture below:

I'm Baaaack!

I’m Baaaack!

I had a hypothesis that traveling between the realms of the living and the dead might be possible provided you had a nice, fat wormhole connecting them that you could crawl through to do it. But before I had the opportunity to make or buy such a wormhole to test that hypothesis, I died. Once that happened, I assumed I no longer existed. Until I realized, if I’m still able to make such an assumption after I’ve already died, then obviously I still exist or I wouldn’t be able to make the assumption I didn’t.  Thus, having established for myself I did, in fact, still exist, even though I had died, I set about the business of making a big, fat wormhole to see if I could crawl through it and return to the realm of the living. And guess what? I can.  And now that I am here, I think I’ll help my old friend Neil deGrasse Tyson co-host ‘Cosmos.’ That should send its ratings into the stratosphere as well as freak out fundamentalist, knowledge-fearing, Christians. I always enjoyed it whenever I could do that. That’s all for now folks. I gotta crawl back through the wormhole. I think I may have left my stove on.”