Famous Marriage Proposals From History

Here are some famous marriage proposals from history that are as absolutely true now as they were the minute I made ’em up.

1.)  The Holy Spirit to Mary

"Mary, I know you're only 12 and a virgin, but I was sent here by myself in the guise of a dove to impregnate you with myself so that I can be born as my own son and then be tortured to death so that I can forgive humanity for Adam and Eve eating an apple. Hope this all doesn't freak you out cause it's happening whether you want it to or not. OK?"

“Mary, I know you’re only 12 and a virgin, but I was sent here by myself in the guise of a dove to marry you and impregnate you with myself so that I can be born as my own son and then be tortured to death so that I can forgive humanity for Adam and Eve eating an apple. Hope this all doesn’t freak you out cause it’s happening whether you want it to or not. OK?”

 

2.) George Washington to Martha

"Martha, you're an absolute, super hot, bitchin' babe. Will you marry me so we can make the beast with two backs on a regular, nightly basis?"

“Martha, you’re an absolute, super hot, bitchin’ babe. Will you marry me so we can make the beast with two backs on a regular, nightly basis?”

 

3.) King Kong to Fay Wray

"Fay, I know there will be...well...difficulties in regards to our...physical relationship, BUT, in spite of that, will you marry me?"

“Fay, I know there will be…well…difficulties in regards to our…physical relationship, BUT, in spite of that, will you marry me?”

 

4.) Anne Boleyn to Henry the Eighth

"Henry, please, do WHATEVER you have to do to divorce Catherine of Aragon and marry me. It will be GREAT for you, and, I just KNOW, deep down inside, that it will be the best, greatest thing that could ever, ever happen to me. I just KNOW my future with you will be safe, comfy, and secure."

“Henry, please, do WHATEVER you have to do to divorce Catherine of Aragon and marry me. It will be GREAT for you, and, I just KNOW, deep down inside, that it will be the best, greatest thing that could ever, ever happen to me. I just KNOW my future with you will be safe, comfy, and secure once we’re wed.”

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Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

What If Bible Characters Were Animals?

Because my sanity is not at all stable, I often get ridiculously nonsensical ideas that I turn into blog posts. This is one them. If famous characters from the Bible were animals, here’s what they’d look like. Hallelujah!

1.) Here’s God just after he, unexpectedly, created the first humans.

I Didn't Think I could Actually Make Humans. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do With 'Em Now?

I Didn’t Think It Would Really Work. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do Now?

2.) And here’s his number one bad-ass of a son, Jesus.

I'm Not Only The Only God There Is, I'm The Strongest!

I Told Ya I Could Lift It, Pa. Didn’t I? Well, Didn’t I?

3.) And now, to help us round out the three gods who are, somehow, actually only one, here’s The Holy Spirit.

Say, Jesus, I'm Gonna Use Your Pool. Hope You Don't Mind.

Say, Jesus, I Dropped By To Use Your Pool. Hope You Don’t Mind.

4.) John the Baptist’s freshly decapitated head is next.

What The Fuck Are You Lookin' At?

What The Fuck Are You Lookin’ At?

5.) A group shot of the 12 Apostles arriving at Jesus’ place for the last supper.

OK, Jesus, We're Here. What's For Supper?

OK, Jesus, We’re Here. Where’s The Eats?

6.) Eve, the first woman, in a rather compromising position.

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don't Bite Into It For Christ's Sake!

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don’t Bite Into It For Christ’s Sake, OK?

7.) And, here’s Adam and Eve suffering the consequences of Adam not following Eve’s instructions from the above picture.

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin' Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin’ Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

8.) Lastly, we have this lovely picture of Allah, the great god of the Koran, as he moves into his new home.

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Isn't You Yahweh!

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Ain’t You, Yahweh!

Fini

Baby Jesus Makes Shocking Confession: I’m A Methamphetamine Addict

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Baby, And Methamphetamine Addict, Jesus

Just in time for Christmas, the Baby Jesus today made a stunning, and somewhat surreal announcement: “I’m a hard-core methamphetamine addict and have been for many years.  It isn’t easy saying this knowing that there are so many children who look up to me and want to be like me, hoping that they, too, can be brutally tortured and killed one day for the sins of people not yet born.  But I can’t fight the demons that make me chase the elusive methamphetamine dragon by myself anymore.  So I’ve decided to take this Christmas off from my usual duties of lying around in mangers and cooing cutely while folks pass by. Instead, I’ll be focusing on working the 12 steps of my N.A. program with the help of my sponsor, The Holy Spirit.  His battle with alcohol is legendary up here in Heaven, and I gotta believe, if he learned to live without vodka, I certainly can learn to live without a continual methamphetamine buzz.  In the mean time, Baby New Year will be filling in for me and covering all my Christmas responsibilities for the year.  He ain’t too happy about it though, having to start work a month earlier than usual. Thus, you may notice a bit more crankiness from the Baby Jesuses you encounter this year. He’ll pull through, though, and, by next year, I’ll be meth free and back to the old grind like usual.  So to all my fans, Merry Christmas, and please, keep me and my battle with methamphetamine in your thoughts throughout this blessed season.  Best always, The Baby Jesus.  Heaven, 12/03/2014.”

A Day In The Life Of The Holy Spirit

Holy_Spirit

From The Journal of The Holy Spirit

20 November, 2014

8:15 AM: Awoke with a hangover the size of Asia. No more late night bar hopping with Jesus. Ever since Mary Magdalene dumped him for St. Peter, he’s been on a non-stop bender. He’s toxic to be around right now, and I’ve things that I need to do with a clear head.

10:00 AM: Went to pick up God’s dry cleaning only it wasn’t ready when we were told it would be. He’s gonna be PISSED! I guess the folks who own the dry cleaner we use haven’t read The Old Testament. They’re gonna be sorry they didn’t.

12:00 PM: Flew into the window of an eighteen year old virgin French gal and told her God had sent me to impregnate her with another son of His. I was lying, of course, but she didn’t know that. We had some awesome sex, then I took her out for lunch. We had brats and beer. Nice gal, but I forgot her name already. I’ve been doing shit like this every few days for 3000 years now, and my memory isn’t what it used to be.

4:00 PM: Drove Moses to a dentist appointment. Dude’s getting senile in his old age and tried to eat a shelled walnut with his teeth. He cracked a molar down to the root. Dentist says it’ll be at least three more visits before it’s fixed.

7:00 PM: Jesus called and wanted me to go out drinking with him again. I said no, and he started crying. I said no again, and he threatened to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. It wouldn’t work, but God would be pissed if I let him just jump, so I’m on my way to pick him up now.

10:00 PM: Dropped Jesus off at his condo and put him to bed with his favorite Teddy Bear and a glass of warm milk. Told him Mary Magdalene was a bitch for dumping him, and there were more fish in the sea for him to date once he felt up to it. He fell asleep and I drove home.

11:30 PM: Brushed my teeth with my new Superman electric tooth-brush; slipped into my satin robe, and settled down with a fine glass of Merlot. Tomorrow I’m going with God to help Him pick out a new SUV, so I’m nodding off now. I’ll need my rest if I’m to help Him haggle with car salesmen over prices. Pure evil those guys are. Good night.