Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

From The Bible

From The Bible

Greetings, Pontificator readers.  I spent the day today calling the cell phones of famous folks from the Bible.  Though no one was available to answer my calls, I did hear several interesting voice mail greetings which I’ve transcribed below for your reading pleasure.  Enjoy.

1.) Moses

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I'm gettin' senile an' will most likely erase the god damn before....God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn't want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to...End of message.

Oy Vey! Leave a god damn message already! I’m gettin’ senile an’ will most likely erase the god damn thing before….God dammit!!! I just stepped in dog crap!!! Zipporah!!! I told you I didn’t want the dog left in the living room!!!! Son of a bitch!!!! I swear to…Beep!

2.) The Holy Spirit

You've reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can't take your call right now because I'm out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord's seed. Leave a message after the beep, and if I'm not too worn out when I get home, I'll call you back.

You’ve reached the voice mail of The Holy Spirit. I can’t take your call right now because I’m out impregnating 13 year old virgin gals with The Lord’s seed. Leave a message after the beep, and, if I’m not too worn out when I get home, I’ll call you back.  Beep!

3.) St. Paul

Um, hello? You've reached Paul. I'm, um..out right now....Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You'd think makin' up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.

Um, hello? You’ve reached Paul. I’m, um..out right now….Jesus Christ, already! This is hard. I made up a whole god damn religion off the top of my head. You’d think makin’ up one of these greetings would be easy. Oh, fuck it all to hell! Just leave a message after the beep.  Beep!

4.) Baby Jesus

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can't come to the phone right now now cause...well...cause I'm a baby and can't talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for worthless evil ass, and return from the grave, I'll return your call if I deem you a good Christian.

Hey all, Baby Jesus here. I can’t come to the phone right now cause…well…cause I’m a baby and can’t talk on phones yet. So, just leave me a message and, after I grow up, get tortured, die for your worthless evil ass, and rise from the dead, I’ll return your call if I deem you worthy.  Beep!

5.) Mary Magdalene

Hey there studs and studettes. You've made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave a message, I'll return your call later. bye now.

Hey there studs and studettes. You’ve made contact with the cell phone of Mary Magdalene. JC and I are at the movies right now, but if you leave me a message, I’ll return your call later. Bye now.

6.) Yahweh

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin' me? Ain't you read yer Bible? Don't you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I'd want to talk to you? Just piss off and don't bother leaving a message.

What! What do you want? Why the hell you callin’ me? Ain’t you read yer Bible? Don’t you know what an unhappy, miserable, vengeful shit I am? What in My Own Name makes you think I’d want to talk to you? Just piss off and don’t bother leaving a message. I ain’t gonna listen to it!  Beep!

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20 thoughts on “Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible

  1. Holy crap! I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna pee myself. My bet is on Baby Jesus. When he doesn’t return my call, because I’m not worthy, then at least he will have kept his promise.

    Brilliant writing!

  2. Pingback: Voice Mail Greetings From The Bible | Scotties Toy Box

  3. crying

  4. I had a good laugh at this

  5. I was a total non-believer in biblical wireless communication until I got to Mary Magdalene. I need to study up on my thou thee thoust doest thuses so I don’t sound like an idiot when I tweet her. (lightning just struck my garden gnome so I’m going to have to say I was just kidding. I promise not to talk like that when I tweet her) 😛

  6. Would make a brilliant live sketch

  7. Hilarious!!!

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