A Day In The Life Of The Holy Spirit


From The Journal of The Holy Spirit

20 November, 2014

8:15 AM: Awoke with a hangover the size of Asia. No more late night bar hopping with Jesus. Ever since Mary Magdalene dumped him for St. Peter, he’s been on a non-stop bender. He’s toxic to be around right now, and I’ve things that I need to do with a clear head.

10:00 AM: Went to pick up God’s dry cleaning only it wasn’t ready when we were told it would be. He’s gonna be PISSED! I guess the folks who own the dry cleaner we use haven’t read The Old Testament. They’re gonna be sorry they didn’t.

12:00 PM: Flew into the window of an eighteen year old virgin French gal and told her God had sent me to impregnate her with another son of His. I was lying, of course, but she didn’t know that. We had some awesome sex, then I took her out for lunch. We had brats and beer. Nice gal, but I forgot her name already. I’ve been doing shit like this every few days for 3000 years now, and my memory isn’t what it used to be.

4:00 PM: Drove Moses to a dentist appointment. Dude’s getting senile in his old age and tried to eat a shelled walnut with his teeth. He cracked a molar down to the root. Dentist says it’ll be at least three more visits before it’s fixed.

7:00 PM: Jesus called and wanted me to go out drinking with him again. I said no, and he started crying. I said no again, and he threatened to kill himself by jumping off a bridge. It wouldn’t work, but God would be pissed if I let him just jump, so I’m on my way to pick him up now.

10:00 PM: Dropped Jesus off at his condo and put him to bed with his favorite Teddy Bear and a glass of warm milk. Told him Mary Magdalene was a bitch for dumping him, and there were more fish in the sea for him to date once he felt up to it. He fell asleep and I drove home.

11:30 PM: Brushed my teeth with my new Superman electric tooth-brush; slipped into my satin robe, and settled down with a fine glass of Merlot. Tomorrow I’m going with God to help Him pick out a new SUV, so I’m nodding off now. I’ll need my rest if I’m to help Him haggle with car salesmen over prices. Pure evil those guys are. Good night.

20 thoughts on “A Day In The Life Of The Holy Spirit

  1. That was some damn good reading, man 🙂 Anyway, come on, HS, get a backbone. Tell Jesus, he can’t guilt you like that!


  2. that angel has a busy schedule but seems to be doing all the heavenly work. It doesn’t get any help?


  3. What?! He didn’t attend Mass? No Communion?


  4. What a gig the Holy Spirit has – I mean I had him marked down as God’s right hand man yet doubling up as God’s knob as well…awesome!


  5. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s the sidekick Holy Spirit!


  6. Merlot, yes. That seems exactly right.


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