“The poor are needy, pesky, and demanding,” Republican Texas Senator, Bill “Big Gun” McDraw said today, “and they smell bad. Now that we Conservatives control the House, the Senate, and the Supreme Court, we believe it is time we speak out about our true feelings. Besides, why hide what everyone already knows, we truly, deeply, and honestly hate poor people. Not all poor people mind, just those we don’t have under our direct influence. Those working for pennies as our maids, gardeners, and nannies are just fine, at least the ones who don’t complain about their pay are. We do, unfortunately, need some of them. Otherwise, we’d have to get our hands dirty doing menial work. UNTHINKABLE! Jesus would kick our asses outta Christianity if we showed up to a Sunday service with soil under our nails or callouses on our hands. No. It’s poor people who want things like Medicare, Social Security, Obama Care, and food stamps that aggravate the bejesus outta us. They are a drain on our gross profits and require us to pay higher taxes. We just HATE taxes.
The demise of those earning below $20,000 a year would greatly benefit us. It would also make Jesus very, very happy. You see, Jesus only loves those who love themselves enough to not be poor. All were given the free will to choose not to be poor. Being poor is akin to being lazy, and being lazy is evil. Thus, the poor are evil and need to be eradicated. The Republican Party hereby declares to do all in its power to eliminate poverty in America by systematically wiping out every Government program that aids the poor in any way. Every single one of them. The only thing that can stop us is people gathering together and voting us out of office before we can do it. But, as the last election showed, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that ever happening. God bless you Conservative America. God bless you one and all.”