Here are two recent, perfectly inerrant, logical, and anger free rants I recently had in response to comments from Trump supporters and religious nutters on another blog. I’m hoping these finally get the Nobel Committee to give me my friggin’ Nobel Prize.
1.) As a flat earth creationist, I must say, I LOVE Trump. Since his election the world has become younger and flatter almost by the hour. Thanks to one of the most devout Christians to ever hold the title of President, the love of the Lord Jesus Christ has embraced America, and soon we’ll have what I’ve always wanted: a fully functioning Christian theocracy where any and all who do not properly worship Our True Lord, Jesus Christ, will be physically put on a boat and shipped to the Middle East where they belong. I’m personally writing Trump’s mentor, Vladimir Putin, a long letter thanking him for helping Trump make America great again, just like it was in 1952 when Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ was President. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the Mexican border to use my body as a human shield to keep Mexicans out of my country until Trump gets Mexico to pay for the border wall to end all border walls. It’s the only way to keep America truly safe from Hispanic rapists and hoodlums. $Amen$
2.) Open borders are the best. Christ, I say build a friggin’ cement highway across the Atlantic to Europe and let EVERY Mooslim there drive on over in horse-drawn carriages. We need ’em fer target practice, the thievin’ buggers.
Taxes? Who needs the Dems for that, the rat, snowflake bums. Christ, the omnibus bill the Republicans/Russians just passed and Putin’s lil puppet, President Donny Bone-Spurs, just signed, jacked up our deficit by what,1.8 trillion or so? I mean COME ON, that’s got Libtard/Democrat written ALL over it. But I’m bettin’ Draft Dodge Don and his Russian/Republicans can do better than that! Why not put 8 or 9 trillion more onto that spending bill and give a 95% tax cut to the rich to jack the debt up another 6 or 7 trillion? It’ll make ya feel all warm ‘n Democrat-like inside. It will me at least
And hell, we actually need to beg more people to cross our borders. Man, just last night, I shot and killed 56 German and Polish illegals who were trying to kick in my front door. A-holes wanted food or some such crap. Can you believe that? As well, I’ve been attacked by, like, I don’t know, 89 Mexican and Italian illegals in the last month alone. They said, in really broken English, mind you, that they wanted to grab some pussy like lil Donny does and wanted me to show ’em how. ‘Course, I shot ‘n killed the bastards. Ain’t no friggin’ illegal som’bitch gonna talk to me about pussy-grabbin’. That’s for American Presidents alone to do. Ha! I sure showed them. So, let ’em keep on comin’ over. I like shootin’ ’em. Makes me almost as happy as kickin’ Dems in their privates. Almost, but not quite. BANG! Gotcha, ya’ friggin’ illegal bastard, ya’.
May the love of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the ONE TRUE GOD, be with everyone out there. May His Holy Arms wrap over you and bring you freedom from Republican omnibus bills, pussy-grabbers, traitorous political parties in line with Russian oligarchs, and deficit raisin’ conservatives who’ve lately made even the wildest, leftist Democrats look like Ronald Reagan. $Amen$