Inerrant Rantings Of An Entirely Sane Pontificator

Here are two recent, perfectly inerrant, logical, and anger free rants I recently had in response to comments from Trump supporters and religious nutters on another blog.   I’m hoping these finally get the Nobel Committee to give me my friggin’ Nobel Prize.

1.)  As a flat earth creationist, I must say, I LOVE Trump. Since his election the world has become younger and flatter almost by the hour. Thanks to one of the most devout Christians to ever hold the title of President, the love of the Lord Jesus Christ has embraced America, and soon we’ll have what I’ve always wanted: a fully functioning Christian theocracy where any and all who do not properly worship Our True Lord, Jesus Christ, will be physically put on a boat and shipped to the Middle East where they belong.  I’m personally writing Trump’s mentor, Vladimir Putin, a long letter thanking him for helping Trump make America great again, just like it was in 1952 when Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ was President. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the Mexican border to use my body as a human shield to keep Mexicans out of my country until Trump gets Mexico to pay for the border wall to end all border walls.  It’s the only way to keep America truly safe from Hispanic rapists and hoodlums.  $Amen$

2.)  Open borders are the best. Christ, I say build a friggin’ cement highway across the Atlantic to Europe and let EVERY Mooslim there drive on over in horse-drawn carriages.  We need ’em fer target practice, the thievin’ buggers.
Taxes?  Who needs the Dems for that, the rat, snowflake bums.  Christ, the omnibus bill the Republicans/Russians just passed and Putin’s lil puppet, President Donny Bone-Spurs, just signed, jacked up our deficit by what,1.8 trillion or so? I mean COME ON, that’s got Libtard/Democrat written ALL over it.  But I’m bettin’ Draft Dodge Don and his Russian/Republicans can do better than that!  Why not put 8 or 9 trillion more onto that spending bill and give a 95% tax cut to the rich to jack the debt up another 6 or 7 trillion?  It’ll make ya feel all warm ‘n Democrat-like inside.  It will me at least

The GOP, Ya’ Gotta Love ‘Em!

And hell, we actually need to beg more people to cross our borders.  Man, just last night, I shot and killed 56 German and Polish illegals who were trying to kick in my front door.  A-holes wanted food or some such crap.  Can you believe that?  As well, I’ve been attacked by, like, I don’t know, 89 Mexican and Italian illegals in the last month alone.  They said, in really broken English, mind you, that they wanted to grab some pussy like lil Donny does and wanted me to show ’em how. ‘Course, I shot ‘n killed the bastards.  Ain’t no friggin’ illegal som’bitch gonna talk to me about pussy-grabbin’.  That’s for American Presidents alone to do.  Ha! I sure showed them.  So, let ’em keep on comin’ over.  I like shootin’ ’em.  Makes me almost as happy as kickin’ Dems in their privates.  Almost, but not quite.  BANG!  Gotcha, ya’ friggin’ illegal bastard, ya’.

 

May the love of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the ONE TRUE GOD, be with everyone out there.  May His Holy Arms wrap over you and bring you freedom from Republican omnibus bills, pussy-grabbers, traitorous political parties in line with Russian oligarchs, and deficit raisin’ conservatives who’ve lately made even the wildest, leftist Democrats look like Ronald Reagan. $Amen$

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Democrats Finally Grow Some Balls

It’s about fucking time.  We, progressives, liberals, Democrats, and all normal human beings, need to fight, resist, and obstruct Trump and his Putin-loving Republican cronies at every single turn.   They’re anti-American, traitorous dogs.  Fuck ’em all.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/powerpost/senate-democrats-face-a-key-test-tuesday-amid-promises-to-stand-up-to-trump/2017/01/31/1685487a-e7bd-11e6-b82f-687d6e6a3e7c_story.html

Bible Quotes Republicans Love

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1.)  “And upon learning that the sickest people in the village had no health insurance, Jesus refused to heal them and they died.”  John 22:4-5

2.)  “After turning the water into wine, Jesus proceeded to grab all the women at the wedding by the pussy because, well, because he was famous, and they could do nothing to stop him.”  Luke 44:8-9

3.)  “Jesus then created a welfare system in which the wealthiest members of society were given free handouts and tax breaks by the Government whilst the poorest members were allowed to suffer in poverty and die.”  Mark 3:67-69

4.)  “Jesus said to the stranger, ‘I cast you out because your skin is of a different hue and you speak with a weird accent.’  After he did this, there was great rejoicing amongst the people.”  Matthew 32:67-69

5.)  “And there shall come a time when King Putin will so completely have his rectum licked by a childish orange oaf that he shall do all in his power to aid the orange oaf into becoming King of his own land.”  Revelation 7:43-45

Five Jokes About Republicans

GOP_8

1.)  Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None.  Republicans don’t do menial labor.  They hire undocumented workers to do it for five cents an hour.

 

2.)  Q: What’s the hardest thing most Republicans will ever have to do?

A: Wait til their 18th birthday to gain access to their trust fund.

 

3.)  Q: How do Republicans acquire land?

A: They wait for their relatives to die.

 

4.)  Q: What’s the name of the first bank Republicans borrow money from without having to pay it back?

A: Mommy and Daddy’s Loans Unlimited

 

5.)  Q:  Besides a cornea operation without anesthesia, name three things Republicans hate most.

A:  The poor, the disabled, and the social programs that help keep them alive.

 

Donald Trump: The Next Jesus

Donald Trump Says, "Like Jesus before me, I've come to this Earth to help angst-ridden, poorly educated white guys, and a few gals, take back America from pansy-ass liberals, and Republican Presidential candidates with Wicked Witch-like noses.   It's time, my fellow racists, misogynists, and xenophobes to put America back into the hands of racists, xenophobes, and misogynists.  Vote for me, and I'll outlaw all executive orders except the ones I decree.  God bless bigotry, and God bless the white, angry, American male!"

Donald Trump Says, “Like Jesus before me, I’ve come to this Earth to help angst-ridden, poorly educated white guys, and a few gals, take back America from pansy-ass liberals, and Republican Presidential candidates with Wicked Witch-like noses. It’s time, my fellow racists, misogynists, and xenophobes to put America back into the hands of racists, xenophobes, and misogynists. Vote for me, and I’ll outlaw all executive orders except the ones I decree. God bless bigotry, and God bless the white, angry, American male!”

Republican Babies

"Donwald Twump is big, big poo-poo head. He's mean silly, and smells like pee. Don't vote for him. He'll puke on ya." Signed, 'Lil Mitt Romney

“Donwald Twump is big, big poo-poo head. He’s mean, silly, and smells like pee. Don’t vote for him. He’ll puke on ya.” Signed, ‘Lil Mitt Romney

 

"Donald Trump is a piece of glass in the middle of a cookie that cuts open your mouth when you go to eat it. He has an I.Q. lower than a newt. His mommy gives him whatever he wants, so that's why he's such a spoiled, smelly-face baby. He hasn't had a good diaper change in months. Keep far, far away from him." Signed, 'Lil John McCain

“Donald Trump is a piece of glass in the middle of a cookie that cuts open your mouth when you go to eat it. He has an I.Q. lower than a newt. His mommy gives him whatever he wants, so that’s why he’s such a spoiled, smelly face baby. He hasn’t had a good diaper change in months. Keep far, far away from him  He smells.” Signed, ‘Lil John McCain

 

"Romney and McCain are stupid dum-dums. They don't like me cause I've got this beautiful hair on my head and they're pretty much bald and wrinkly lookin'. They really peed me off by not kissing my little baby ass, so when I'm President, I'm gonna carpet bomb them and everyone they know into radioactive dust piles. Don't fudge with the "D" man!" Signed, 'Lil Donald Trump

“Romney and McCain are stupid dumdums. They don’t like me cause I’ve got this beautiful hair on my head and they’re pretty much bald and wrinkly lookin’. They really peed me off by not kissing my little baby ass, so when I’m President, I’m gonna carpet bomb them and everyone they know into radioactive dust piles. Don’t fudge with the “D” man!” Signed, ‘Lil Donald Trump

Tiny Donald Trump Clones Invade Chicago Candy Factory

Trump-ettes

Trump-ettes

Trump City, Illinois.   A group of half-sized Donald Trump clones, known scientifically as “Trump-ettes” invaded and took over a Chicago candy factory today.   “We’re doing this to ensure every piece of candy made in this factory goes directly into the mouths of white children whose parents make over seven figures a year,” the Trump-ettes shouted as they bodily removed every worker from the plant.   “Our Lord and Master, Herr Donald, heard that this factory was selling candy to poor, disabled, black, Mexican and Muslim kids.  You can’t get more UN-American than that, so we were sent to put an end to it.   God bless America; God bless freedom, and God bless our God, Donald Trump.”