Historical Figures Who Were “Like Smart People”

Trump-Apologist City, New York.   Donald Trump recently stated that he does not need to receive security briefings because he’s “like a smart person.”   There are a few other famous people who also claimed they were “like a smart person”.   Here are a few of them.

1.)  Humpty Dumpty:  Humpty proclaimed loudly, as he sat upon the wall, “I know I won’t fall because I’m like a smart person who would never do anything to endanger himself.”

Oh My God! I Didn't Realize How F**kin' Narrow This Wall Was!

Oh My God! I Didn’t Realize How F**kin’ Narrow This Wall Was!

2.)  Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars:  Emperor Palpatine once said to Darth Vader, “Darth, I, like a smart person, trust you with my life completely.  I know you’d never do anything to hurt me, like toss me down a power shaft, for example.”

But...You Were My Only Friend. AHHHHH!!!!!

But…You Were My Only Friend.  AHHHHH!!!!!

3.)  Richard Nixon:  President Nixon said to his wife, Pat, once, “Pat, I’m like a smart person.  I’d never place a bug to spy on my political enemies anyplace where it would EVER be found.”

Just Put The Tape Recorder In The Desk Drawer. No One Will EVER Think To Look There For It.

Just Put The Bug In The Light Fixture. No One Will EVER Think To Look For It There.

4.)  Anthony Weiner:  Weiner once said to his 16-year-old girlfriend, “Don’t worry, babe.  No one will EVER find out I’ve been texting you pics of my hardened genitals.”

But She Said She Was 18!

But She Said She Was 18!

5.)  Kellyanne Conway:  Kellyanne recently said to THE Donald, “Donnie, I’m like a smart person, too.  I know damn well I’ll be fondly remembered throughout history for helping you become President and for being an apologist who continually defends all the dangerous, treasonous, stupid shit you do.”

You People Are All Very Dumbly. Me 'N Donald Are Like....Well, We're Like Smart People!

You People Are All Very Dumbly. Me ‘N Donald Are Like….Well, We’re Like Smart People!

6.)  Bill Clinton:  Bill once said to Monica Lewinsky, “Monica, hand me that cigar.  Oh, and don’t worry about us fuckin’ around like this in the White House.  I’m like a smart person, and I can assure you, no one will EVER find out.”

No, I Assure You, We'll Never Get Caught.

Just Trust Me, Baby.  I’d Never Do Anything To Humiliate You In Front Of The Nation.

Celebrity Bible Reviews

bible3Here are some celebrity reviews of The Bible I recently found in The New York Times.


Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore1.) This book is AWESOME.  There’s killing for the Lord, genocide in his name, infanticide, glorification of slavery, and enough misogynistic rhetoric to make any man with a small dick feel strong.   I highly recommend reading it and using it to guide your life.  Donald Trump


Pope Francis 6552.) This book sucks.  It’s completely unbelievable.  There’s a part where a “virgin” gets pregnant, tells her husband, “God did it,” and he believes her.  Yeah.  Right.  Blow me.   Pope Francis


palin3.) This book has gore, violence, and horror in it.  I’ve never read a piece of literature filled with such a lust for blood.  It needs to be BANNED from our schools and homes.  It’s anti-American.  Wait…I was thinking of The Koran.  The Bible is not like that at all.  Never mind.   Sarah Palin


MTIxNDI3MjkzNDE1MTc5Nzg54.) Brilliant book on truth, science, and reality.  I never knew the Earth was only 6000 years old until I read this gem of intellectual wisdom.  Republican Presidential Candidate, Ben Carson.


Bill-Clinton5.) I LOVED this book.  It has sex in it.  Former President, Bill Clinton.

Famous Quotes No One Ever Said

That No One Ever Said

That Were Never Said

Here’s a list of some truly amazing quotes attributed to famous people who actually never said them. I know they never said them because I just made them up right now.


jesusoncross11.) Jesus: “Hey! You! Centurion! Yes, you! Would you mind scratching my balls for me? My hands are nailed to this cross, and I can’t get to ’em.”


billclinton62.) Bill Clinton: “No, my dear, I’m not going to light the cigar. I’m just going to poke it in and out for a bit. OK?”


georgewbbush3.) George W. Bush: “All we have to do is tell the idiots Saddam was behind 9/11, and they won’t see we’re committing a war crime.”


rudolph14.) Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer: “Your goddamn nose would be red too if you did as much blow as I do, Frosty. So bugger off before I stick you in a microwave and make soup outta ya!”


JabbaTheHutt5.) Jabba The Hutt: “Baa wanga watta, wampa poopy wanga peep bongo! Haaa! Haaa! Hunggotta me wunga wee-wee small een ga! Haaa!”

‘Nuff said for now!

Giant Monster Resembling Bill Clinton Aborts Texas From U.S.

 Smoldering Hole Where Texas Once Was

Smoldering Hole Where Texas Once Was

An angry giant monster, bearing a haunting resemblance to Bill Clinton, rose up out of the Gulf of Mexico this morning and aborted the entire state of Texas from the North American continent.  The giant beast used what appeared to be a massive blender and literally pulverized the entire state into mush with it.  Nothing remains of the state now except a smoldering hole where it once was, and a cowboy hat believed to have been worn by George Bush Sr the night George Jr was conceived.  The giant Clinton-like monster returned to the Gulf when it was done and vanished as quickly as it had appeared.  The Tea Party released a brief statement blaming the entire event on Obama Care and gay marriage.