Two Liberals Attacked By Pile Of MAGA Hats At Target

MAGA Hats Have Become Sentient And Violent

Trump City, Russia.   In a stunning development, a pile of MAGA hats yesterday attacked, and severely bruised, two liberals who were shopping at a local Target store.    “It was awful,” said Bethany Bigbody, one of the liberals attacked.  “My friend, Billy Tightcheeks, and I were at Target taking advantage of the Black Friday sales and talking about how much we missed Obama when an entire pile of MAGA hats leaped at us from a hat rack and shouted, ‘DOWN WITH LIBERAL SCUM!’  We were then covered in a sea of MAGA hats that repeatedly smashed their brims against our faces.   It was utterly terrifying, and if not for the quick work of a store clerk who grabbed a huge trash bag and tossed the raging hats into it, I’m certain we would have been beaten unconscious or worse.  Needless to say, my friend and I will be damned careful what we say from now on when stacks of MAGA hats are nearby.”

Bethany Bigbody With The Black Eye She Received From A Violent Group Of MAGA Hats

When The Armchair Pontificator contacted the Chinese manufacturer of MAGA hats, We Make ‘Em, You Buy ‘Em, for a comment on the violent, and sentient, nature of their hats, we were told to speak with Trump’s lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who, when we did contact him, promptly threatened to sic a gross of MAGA hats on us if we didn’t stop asking questions.   Therefor, we can only suggest, that if you are a liberal, be very careful what it is you say when passing by MAGA hats in stores.  You may very well be beaten up if you aren’t.

Thoughts On Gun Violence In America

The Media And Liberals Are The Cause Of Mass Shootings In America Not Guns

I have come up with some Nobel Prize winning thoughts on gun violence in America: what its causes are and how to best end it.  I’m including these flawless thoughts in my platform as I run for the US Senate in 2020.  I am the only solution to the problem that is a liberal-infested, media-haunted America.  Anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and a libtard.  Period.

The media should be required, under penalty of death, to report only what our government WANTS us to know. Turn each shooting into a “Candy Given Away To Hungry Kids” headline, and all will be well.  Shootings will stop, and a happy bliss will fall over America.   Hell, don’t cover ANY shootings and INCREASE the ease with which people can purchase weapons–THAT will surely solve the problem.  To further my argument, let me list the following, true, causes of gun violence in America.

1.) Media coverage of shootings is, first and foremost, the main reason gun violence exists in America.  Period.   2.) Video games. These, without a doubt, are making mass shooters out of our youth. There is NO argument against this that even begins to make sense.  3.) Comic books and violent films.  Again, it is inarguable that THESE things are a MAJOR cause of mass shootings in America.  Only sissified liberals argue differently.  4.) Media coverage of mass shootings. (I know, this is also reason one, but it is SO much a reason as to why these shootings happen, I felt I just HAD to mention it again. OK?)  5.) Liberals who are demanding stricter gun sales.  These sissified, anti-American a-holes are a MASSIVE cause of mass shootings because they rouse trouble wherever they go by talking their leftist, commie bullshit.  This enrages true Americans who then read comic books and play video games; this then leads them to use their otherwise safe semi-automatic weapons to kill hundreds.  Science supports me on this, as does the internet.  Look it up if you don’t believe me.

To conclude, there are few horrid things that happen in America today that aren’t caused by liberals, the media and their disgusting disregard for the truth the rest of us Christ-loving Americans are so proud of.   Like Sally Field once said to Burt Reynolds, “Burt, if the media ignored libtards and mass shootings and only told us about the happier things in life, we’d have nothing to ever worry about.”  Wiser words have never been spoken.  Think about it: If you don’t hear about a blood-filled mass shooting that happened in a city across the country from you, did it really even happen?

I’m Now A Follower Of Ayn Rand And Objectivism

I’ve become a follower of Ayn Rand and objectivism.   If you think there is anything wrong with this stance, you’re 100% wrong.  There is right, and there is wrong.  There is black, and there is white.  Nothing is in between.   To think there is, and worse yet, act like there is, only invites problems.  Let me give you an example of how pure, unadulterated objectivism, as it applies not just to morality but to EVERYTHING else, too, would make life much better–well, much better for me, anyway.

There should be no taxes.  Absolutely none.  This is an objective fact.  I’ve worked very hard from the time I was 5 or 6 years old to now to build myself a fortune.   I’m worth over 978 million dollars, and I earned every penny of it myself.  I started with a lemonade stand when I was 5, and now I own a major beverage factory that ships soda pop everywhere in the known world.  So, why should I be giving ANY of my money in taxes to a government, any government, especially one on the Federal level?  I do not need a “government”.  They did not help me in any way and should not get any of my money.   None.  I have my own security guards to protect me from criminals and bad guys, a small army, actually.  I have my own version of a fire department; my own construction company to build roads I may need, and my own small farm, with workers, mostly documented, to grow the food I need for myself, my family, and my friends.  Why should I pay taxes for police, fire departments, road construction, and a national army when I have all I need around me due to my own hard work?   I do not care if others can not afford these things, I can.   If others are too lazy to work as hard as I did to earn money to pay for these things, it is not my problem.  It’s theirs, and I should not be paying taxes to pay for the things others are too lazy to work for themselves.  It’s an OUTRAGE!  I do not need, and there should not be, a government of any kind.  I do not need it.  I’ve earned money, by myself, to pay for all I’ll ever need.  The utter weakness and laziness of most people in America is disgusting.  “Gimme a fire department!  Gimme police!  Gimme roads!  Gimme an army!  Gimme, gimme, gimme!”  It makes me SICK!!!   I truly do not care if individuals are robbed, shot, or raped because they were too lazy to work as hard as I have to hire their own 24 hour security guards.  RIDICULOUS!!  If your house burns down because you do not have the money to pay for your own fire department, I can give a f$$k!  Too bad, so sad, ya’ lazy prick, ya’.  Pull up your bootstraps and GET TO WORK!!!  I did it.  You can, too.  I think it is sickening that I am taxed so the Government can have a standing army.  I have my own!  I do not need theirs!   My money is MINE!!!  I earned it, and I should not have a Government filled with sissies and weakling leftist bastards taxing me because they are too weak-minded to care for their own needs. So, I hope this begins to clarify for my readers why I have now dedicated myself to the writings of Ayn Rand and her ideas on objectivism.   Have I taken them to an extreme level?  Perhaps, but I’m a very wealthy mother f$$ker, and I can buy everything I’ll ever need to live a long, peaceful, uneventful life.  That’s really all that matters to me.  My money was earned.  It is MINE!  You want to tax me?  Then f$$k you!  Go live in Russia or some commie community with crying, baby liberals and leave me, and other Americans who’ve earned their OWN money the f**k alone.  $Amen$

Republican Apes

Bloodville, Transylvania.  Here are some wonderful pictures of Republican apes that were taken by our resident zoologist and pastry chef, Don T. Givashit.

1.) A Republican ape on global warming.

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I'm NOT Going To Listen!

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I’m NOT Going To Listen!

2.) A Republican porn star ape.

You Won't Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

You Won’t Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

3.) A Ronald Reagan era Republican ape.

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I'd Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There's A LOT More Bananas For Me!

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I’d Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There’s A LOT More Bananas For Me!

4.) A hypnotist Republican ape.

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, "Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy."

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, “Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy.”

5.) A Republican ape with his favorite pet.

Democrats Make Great House Pets And Servants, Says This Republican Orangutan.

Undocumented, Liberal Puppies Like This One Make Great House Pets And Servants, And All They’ll Cost You Are A Few Table Scraps. Now Go Fetch Me The Wall Street Journal, Boy!


New Product Keeps Your Family Safe From Liberals

The Tea Party announced today they’ve created a new product which is guaranteed to keep you, and your loved ones, safe from the pestilence of liberals forever. “Many of us in the Tea Party have grown weary of pointy nosed liberals poisoning our wells, eating our children, and voting in our elections,” said Tea Party member and former Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.

Keep Your  Children Safe- Use Liberal Away

Liberal Away Kills Liberals Dead

“The Tea Party pulled together its vast resources and paid millions to Igor Flopdick, a former KGB agent who specializes in unique ‘pest’ elimination problems, to create Liberal Away for us. He did not disappoint. Liberal Away kills liberals on contact, yet remains completely harmless to Conservatives and Tea Party members. It is a new type of smart poison that, once sprayed, drifts in the air, harmlessly, until it comes into contact with a liberal. Once it does, he or she has less than 3 minutes to live. Thanks to the efforts of Mr.Flopdick, and the Tea Party, we now have an effective way to keep our children, our pets, and our elderly safe from the stench and filth of liberals forever. Amen to that I say. Amen to that.”

Prophecies For 2015 From Nostradamus


Dr. Miballs R. Akin, curator of the Nostradamus Museum in Gary, Indiana, announced today that he has uncovered some previously unknown prophecies of Nostradamus pertaining specifically to 2015. A few of these are listed below along with interpretations of them provided by Dr. Akin.

Prophesy One: “And there shall drift in from the East a pinkish cloud, covered in smiley faces, which the underclassmen shall name, ‘Bob’. Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red and bleed from the corners of eyes it does not have. So sayeth Nostradamus, the unambiguous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: What Nostradamus is so very clearly predicting here is the complete collapse of the McDonald’s restaurant franchise in 2015. The cloud and the blue sea represent Ronald McDonald’s makeup pouring down his face from the tears he’s shedding over the loss of his beloved franchise. The fish being eaten by the bear represents the Red Lobster restaurant franchise. It will take over all McDonald’s store fronts by August. So has it been foretold; so too will it come to pass.

Prophesy Two: “A darkness darker than pitch and thicker than hot tar shall pour over the land of the kitties who will be too weak and too lazy to band together as one to shine a light into the blackness before it devours all they hold dear with its perpetual, ever-deepening evil. So sayeth Nostradamus, the non-nebulous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: Without a doubt, this prophesy speaks of the immanent takeover of the American Government by the evil Republican party and the pussy-ass Liberals who will continue to passively stand by and watch it happen. This trend will continue, unchallenged, throughout all of 2015 and well into 2016, when the total annihilation of the Democratic Party is finalized with the crowning of the first Republican Emperor of The United States. So has it been foreseen; so too shall it come to pass.

Fini, for now.

Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!