I’m Now A Follower Of Ayn Rand And Objectivism

I’ve become a follower of Ayn Rand and objectivism.   If you think there is anything wrong with this stance, you’re 100% wrong.  There is right, and there is wrong.  There is black, and there is white.  Nothing is in between.   To think there is, and worse yet, act like there is, only invites problems.  Let me give you an example of how pure, unadulterated objectivism, as it applies not just to morality but to EVERYTHING else, too, would make life much better–well, much better for me, anyway.

There should be no taxes.  Absolutely none.  This is an objective fact.  I’ve worked very hard from the time I was 5 or 6 years old to now to build myself a fortune.   I’m worth over 978 million dollars, and I earned every penny of it myself.  I started with a lemonade stand when I was 5, and now I own a major beverage factory that ships soda pop everywhere in the known world.  So, why should I be giving ANY of my money in taxes to a government, any government, especially one on the Federal level?  I do not need a “government”.  They did not help me in any way and should not get any of my money.   None.  I have my own security guards to protect me from criminals and bad guys, a small army, actually.  I have my own version of a fire department; my own construction company to build roads I may need, and my own small farm, with workers, mostly documented, to grow the food I need for myself, my family, and my friends.  Why should I pay taxes for police, fire departments, road construction, and a national army when I have all I need around me due to my own hard work?   I do not care if others can not afford these things, I can.   If others are too lazy to work as hard as I did to earn money to pay for these things, it is not my problem.  It’s theirs, and I should not be paying taxes to pay for the things others are too lazy to work for themselves.  It’s an OUTRAGE!  I do not need, and there should not be, a government of any kind.  I do not need it.  I’ve earned money, by myself, to pay for all I’ll ever need.  The utter weakness and laziness of most people in America is disgusting.  “Gimme a fire department!  Gimme police!  Gimme roads!  Gimme an army!  Gimme, gimme, gimme!”  It makes me SICK!!!   I truly do not care if individuals are robbed, shot, or raped because they were too lazy to work as hard as I have to hire their own 24 hour security guards.  RIDICULOUS!!  If your house burns down because you do not have the money to pay for your own fire department, I can give a f$$k!  Too bad, so sad, ya’ lazy prick, ya’.  Pull up your bootstraps and GET TO WORK!!!  I did it.  You can, too.  I think it is sickening that I am taxed so the Government can have a standing army.  I have my own!  I do not need theirs!   My money is MINE!!!  I earned it, and I should not have a Government filled with sissies and weakling leftist bastards taxing me because they are too weak-minded to care for their own needs. So, I hope this begins to clarify for my readers why I have now dedicated myself to the writings of Ayn Rand and her ideas on objectivism.   Have I taken them to an extreme level?  Perhaps, but I’m a very wealthy mother f$$ker, and I can buy everything I’ll ever need to live a long, peaceful, uneventful life.  That’s really all that matters to me.  My money was earned.  It is MINE!  You want to tax me?  Then f$$k you!  Go live in Russia or some commie community with crying, baby liberals and leave me, and other Americans who’ve earned their OWN money the f**k alone.  $Amen$

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Republican Apes

Bloodville, Transylvania.  Here are some wonderful pictures of Republican apes that were taken by our resident zoologist and pastry chef, Don T. Givashit.

1.) A Republican ape on global warming.

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I'm NOT Going To Listen!

You Can Talk All You Want About Global Warming, But I’m NOT Going To Listen!

2.) A Republican porn star ape.

You Won't Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

You Won’t Find Balls Like This On A Sissy Democrat, Baby. If You Want A Real Man With Real Balls, You Gotta Go Republican.

3.) A Ronald Reagan era Republican ape.

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I'd Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There's A LOT More Bananas For Me!

I Told The Other Apes If They Gave Me All Their Bananas, I’d Let Some Of Them Trickle Down So That Everyone Could Eat. They Listened. I Got Fat, And Most Of Them Died. Now There’s A LOT More Bananas For Me!

4.) A hypnotist Republican ape.

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, "Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy."

Look Closely Into My Eyes, Poor Person, And Repeat After Me, “Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy. Tax Breaks For The Wealthy Are Healthy.”

5.) A Republican ape with his favorite pet.

Democrats Make Great House Pets And Servants, Says This Republican Orangutan.

Undocumented, Liberal Puppies Like This One Make Great House Pets And Servants, And All They’ll Cost You Are A Few Table Scraps. Now Go Fetch Me The Wall Street Journal, Boy!

fini

New Product Keeps Your Family Safe From Liberals

The Tea Party announced today they’ve created a new product which is guaranteed to keep you, and your loved ones, safe from the pestilence of liberals forever. “Many of us in the Tea Party have grown weary of pointy nosed liberals poisoning our wells, eating our children, and voting in our elections,” said Tea Party member and former Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney.

Keep Your  Children Safe- Use Liberal Away

Liberal Away Kills Liberals Dead

“The Tea Party pulled together its vast resources and paid millions to Igor Flopdick, a former KGB agent who specializes in unique ‘pest’ elimination problems, to create Liberal Away for us. He did not disappoint. Liberal Away kills liberals on contact, yet remains completely harmless to Conservatives and Tea Party members. It is a new type of smart poison that, once sprayed, drifts in the air, harmlessly, until it comes into contact with a liberal. Once it does, he or she has less than 3 minutes to live. Thanks to the efforts of Mr.Flopdick, and the Tea Party, we now have an effective way to keep our children, our pets, and our elderly safe from the stench and filth of liberals forever. Amen to that I say. Amen to that.”

Prophecies For 2015 From Nostradamus

predictions

Dr. Miballs R. Akin, curator of the Nostradamus Museum in Gary, Indiana, announced today that he has uncovered some previously unknown prophecies of Nostradamus pertaining specifically to 2015. A few of these are listed below along with interpretations of them provided by Dr. Akin.

Prophesy One: “And there shall drift in from the East a pinkish cloud, covered in smiley faces, which the underclassmen shall name, ‘Bob’. Then a great white bear shall devour a fish named ‘Limpett’ causing the blue sea to turn red and bleed from the corners of eyes it does not have. So sayeth Nostradamus, the unambiguous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: What Nostradamus is so very clearly predicting here is the complete collapse of the McDonald’s restaurant franchise in 2015. The cloud and the blue sea represent Ronald McDonald’s makeup pouring down his face from the tears he’s shedding over the loss of his beloved franchise. The fish being eaten by the bear represents the Red Lobster restaurant franchise. It will take over all McDonald’s store fronts by August. So has it been foretold; so too will it come to pass.

Prophesy Two: “A darkness darker than pitch and thicker than hot tar shall pour over the land of the kitties who will be too weak and too lazy to band together as one to shine a light into the blackness before it devours all they hold dear with its perpetual, ever-deepening evil. So sayeth Nostradamus, the non-nebulous one.”

Dr. Akin’s Interpretation: Without a doubt, this prophesy speaks of the immanent takeover of the American Government by the evil Republican party and the pussy-ass Liberals who will continue to passively stand by and watch it happen. This trend will continue, unchallenged, throughout all of 2015 and well into 2016, when the total annihilation of the Democratic Party is finalized with the crowning of the first Republican Emperor of The United States. So has it been foreseen; so too shall it come to pass.

Fini, for now.

Baby New Year Arrested For Solicitation In Texas: New Year On Hold

SETI scientists intercepted the following conversation this afternoon between Biblical all-star, and apparent lawyer, Moses, and the Baby New Year held inside a Corpus Christi, Texas jail cell. We here at TACP are publishing it because our motto is “People Need To Know The Truth,” and this is as full of it as you can get, folks. A transcript of the intercepted conversation appears below.

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Baby New Year Imprisoned In Texas

Moses: Texas! For Christ sake kid, if you were looking for a hooker, why pick Texas as a place to look!? Nevada’s a stone’s toss away and prostitution is legal there, AND, it’s NOT crawling with Tea Party, gun totin’ good ‘ole boys lookin’ to arrest perverts like you!

Baby New Year: Listen you old fart-filled relic, I can do whatever the hell I want. I’m the New Year, get it? I’m a YEAR, not a belief system or a political dogma. Belief in me and my existence is not optional. I’m needed or existence comes to a bloody stand still. And if I want me some Texas hooker poo-tang to make me happy, then, dammit, that’s what I’m gettin’!

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses Has His Legal Hands Full This Time, Eh?

Moses: Really? Then how’d you wind up in a friggin’ jail cell, numb-nuts? Oh, wait! Hold the press! Numb-nuts New Year must have thought Texas was somehow connected to the rest of the 21st century, and the same laws of logic and physics that effect EVERYTHING else are the same here. WRONG, Einstein! This is Texas. This friggin’ place hasn’t had a new thought since mammoth went off the damn menu several thousand years ago. The whole state operates in some sort of worm hole that destroys anything liberal or liberating long before it can enter the atmosphere. The year 2015 means no more to people in Texas than carbon dating does to creationists. You f’ ed up New Year. Big time. Your lucky Jesus likes you and sent me down here to help your stupid ass. He really was considering making this New Years Eve, “The End Of Days.” But he decided not to because he really has no idea what that actually means, and, regardless of what it does mean, it seems like it would involve way more work than he’s remotely willing to do. So let’s quit the smart talk and work on getting you out of here so the rest of the world can get drunk on New Year’s Eve. OK?

Baby New Year: OK. But only because of how well you articulated all that. I’m impressed. Now if you could ever figure out where the Ark of the Covenant is, I might think you’ve half a brain working.

Moses: Just wait til I get you outta here numb-nuts. Now, here’s how we’re going to do just that….

Come back tomorrow to find out if Baby New Year will be freed in time for the New Year to be rung in!

Santa Joins The Tea Party Then Fires Half His Staff

In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America.  He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

Santa Firing Hermie The Elf

“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated.  President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that.  It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did.  It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.

So I'm A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?

In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping.  Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too.  Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas.  Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing.  People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’  Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich!  God bless America! I fucking love you!”

Conservatives Get Law Passed Which Bans Nudity 24/7

 Republican About To Shower In  Non-Nude Suit

Republican About To Shower In Non-Nude Suit

A bill which makes being naked for any reason at any time illegal was passed into law today by the United States House and Senate. “Being naked is the pathway to perversions like homosexuality, masturbation, bestiality, and sex out of wed-lock,” said Republican Senator, Hee Haw Johnson of Texas. “From now on, if any American is ever naked for any reason, they will be strip searched, cavity searched, arrested, and held without bond until they confess to their sick prurient lust for children and pets. Lastly, anyone taking a shower is now required to wear an outfit like the one shown above. Those found showering nude will be summarily executed on the spot,” Senator Hee Haw said.