Now that the Republican Apocalypse is upon us in America, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have put together a list for our readers on how to best survive it. Remember, everything you read here is absolutely true. Not a single thing has been changed to protect the innocence of anyone
1.) If confronted by a Republican and you’re armed, shot it in the wallet. The best way to weaken a Republican is to wipe out its immediate access to money.
2.) Once you’ve shot its wallet, simply punch the Republican in the nose, then watch it run away crying. Without their money, Republicans are the biggest pussies you’ll ever meet.
3.) If you are not armed, and a Republican approaches you, simply tell it you are a TruChristian and want to receive a copy of the Bible from it to improve your gay-hating skills. When it turns to retrieve a Bible from its bag, run like hell away from it. Republicans are, by their nature, in horrible shape and lack the stamina to chase after even the slowest of prey. They’re used to undocumented immigrants, whom they publicly claim to hate, doing all their manual labor for them. The thought of doing it themselves is reprehensible to them.
4.) If you are near a TruChristian Church and find droves of well-dressed white folk gathered around it, stay the fuck away, or run the risk of being sucked into a blubbering hole so filled with Christian gibberish and religious righteousness that no liberal could ever hope to escape with his sanity intact.
5.) The best places to hide from roaming herds of hungry self-aggrandizing Republicans are Hispanic and African-American neighborhoods. You’re as likely to see a wealthy group of lily-white Republicans wandering around one of these neighborhoods as you are to see Richard Dawkins joining hands in prayer with Ken Ham.
6.) One last survival tip for today: If you have brown or black skin and are a male under the age of 60 do not, and I mean DO NOT, wear a hoodie in ANY white neighborhood whilst walking through it. Even though a few such neighborhoods have been know to contain non-Republicans on occasion, the vast majority of them are literally crawling with the beasts. So, for your own safety, do as I advise. Ain’t met a Republican yet that wasn’t armed and lookin’ to “stand its ground” against brown skin hoodie wearers.