Tips For Surviving The Republican Apocalypse

Republican Apocalypse Now

Republican Apocalypse Now

Now that the Republican Apocalypse is upon us in America, we here at The Arm Chair Pontificator have put together a list for our readers on how to best survive it. Remember, everything you read here is absolutely true. Not a single thing has been changed to protect the innocence of anyone

1.) If confronted by a Republican and you’re armed, shot it in the wallet. The best way to weaken a Republican is to wipe out its immediate access to money.

2.) Once you’ve shot its wallet, simply punch the Republican in the nose, then watch it run away crying. Without their money, Republicans are the biggest pussies you’ll ever meet.

3.) If you are not armed, and a Republican approaches you, simply tell it you are a TruChristian and want to receive a copy of the Bible from it to improve your gay-hating skills. When it turns to retrieve a Bible from its bag, run like hell away from it. Republicans are, by their nature, in horrible shape and lack the stamina to chase after even the slowest of prey. They’re used to undocumented immigrants, whom they publicly claim to hate, doing all their manual labor for them. The thought of doing it themselves is reprehensible to them.

4.) If you are near a TruChristian Church and find droves of well-dressed white folk gathered around it, stay the fuck away, or run the risk of being sucked into a blubbering hole so filled with Christian gibberish and religious righteousness that no liberal could ever hope to escape with his sanity intact.

VERY DANGEROUS: Herd Of Republicans Gathering At Church

VERY DANGEROUS: A Republican Herd Gathering At Church

5.) The best places to hide from roaming herds of hungry self-aggrandizing Republicans are Hispanic and African-American neighborhoods. You’re as likely to see a wealthy group of lily-white Republicans wandering around one of these neighborhoods as you are to see Richard Dawkins joining hands in prayer with Ken Ham.

6.) One last survival tip for today: If you have brown or black skin and are a male under the age of 60 do not, and I mean DO NOT, wear a hoodie in ANY white neighborhood whilst walking through it. Even though a few such neighborhoods have been know to contain non-Republicans on occasion, the vast majority of them are literally crawling with the beasts. So, for your own safety, do as I advise. Ain’t met a Republican yet that wasn’t armed and lookin’ to “stand its ground” against brown skin hoodie wearers.

Potentially Dangerous Outerwear For Brown Skin Males

Potentially Dangerous Outerwear For Brown Skin Males

 

 

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21 thoughts on “Tips For Surviving The Republican Apocalypse

  1. You didn’t advice them to buy themselves guns, you don’t think that’s necessary?

  2. I’m going to get #1-4 put on an index card for quick retrieval! One never knows 🙂

  3. >You’re as likely to see a wealthy group of lily-white Republicans wandering around one of these neighborhoods as you are to see Richard Dawkins joining hands in prayer with Ken Ham.

    The latter is far more likely than the former.

  4. Reblogged this on The Secular Jurist and commented:
    For the Thanksgiving holiday, I am thankful for witty political satire such as this fine piece. It’s both hilarious and prophetic, because a “Republican apocalypse” really is about to strike America. Might as well laugh while we still can.

  5. Guns aside you’re getting close to our vile UKIP party with this one – only they’re further to the right. Changing the subject, whilst on the Eurotunnel train just yesterday coming back from France and deep into the Channel Tunnel where we were all parked up in a train carriage some prat played over his vehicle sound system at high volume what sounded like ‘the call to prayer’! Just about scared the shit out of us all – I’ve the underpants to prove it! The power of religion in these times of potential religious born terrorism! ‘Good wheeze’ though thinking about it the day after.

    • Yes. UKIP party is frightening. And the power of blind faith to the dogmas of a religion is even more frightening. I’m very disappointed, however, in the UKIP because they don’t have the gun rights bullshit to bitch over like the lunatic right-wingers do here. They need it. They lack something without it. Evil works better armed. The Western World is setting itself up for some horrific times. It is so sad no one learns from history. Of course, in America, almost no one reads about it or cares to. So when liberty is taken away from people, like it soon will be, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.

    • It is odd that we have unarmed police here – a good tradition. If we lose that one day……it’ll all go to worms. There is some great anti UKIP satire over here yet satire these days seems to be reactive thus its power is almost without point. Look a Michael Moore. Whatever you think of him he still didn’t stop Bush getting a second term and Moore was at least using proactive satire.

    • True. In America, 2/3rds of the folks don’t even understand satire. I find it odd, as Mark Twain was American, and he’s the best satirist of all time, IMO. I’ve such a feeling of powerlessness over what’s happening. Well, at least I have an endless supply of idiocy to satirize and laugh at.

    • The bottom line is that the vast masses of Joe Public are self centred idiots who only want to look after themselves when the economic shit hits the fan and they can justify it by claiming JC was a Republican in your case and a right wing twat in mine! Bollocks to the lot of them.

    • Agreed.

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