Christians Declare Trump Must Keep Shirt On In Public

Attractive. NOT!!!!

Attractive?  NOT!!!!

Christ’s Overflowing Blood City, Mississippi.   A group of devout Christians today declared Donald Trump must never be shirtless in public.  “As every TruChristian agrees, Donald Trump is God’s voice on Earth,”  spokesperson for TruChristians everywhere, Betty Closedthighs, declared earlier.  “However, he simply must never bare his chest in public as his lover, Vladimir Putin, has done because the fat, orangeness of his body is off-putting to the many Christians who love him, even though it gives Vladimir Putin a big woody.  So, Lord Donald, we, as your devout minions, pray to you, keep your shirt on in public because, objectively speaking, you look like shit without it.  Amen, and may God have mercy on all those who did not vote for the greatest man who’s ever lived, Donald J. Trump.”

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The Republican Test

test

Do you consider yourself to be a Republican?  Are you a right-wing Conservative?  Are you sure?  Take the test below to see just how much of a Republican you truly are.

1.)  A true Republican believes:  A. Allah is not a real god.  B.  Catholics are not “true” Christians.  C.  Poor people are poor because they’re lazy.  D.  Disabled people are not really disabled, they’re just pretending.  E.  All of the above.

2.)  True Republicans think:  A.  America was founded in 1952 by Jesus Christ and 4 white, elderly rich guys with the surname of Smith.  B.  Undocumented aliens are all evil except for the ones they have cleaning their homes and cooking for them for .15 cents an hour.  C.  Public schools suck and tax dollars are better spent on giving them vouchers to send their kids to fancy private schools.   D.  Inner city neighborhoods are scary because brown and black people live in them.   E.  All of the above.

3.)  True Republicans love:  A.  That a black man will no longer be President.  B.  That a woman will not be President.  C.  A Jesus who loves only wealthy, conservative white people.  D.  Their own particular take on verses cherry-picked from a bible most of them have never read.  E.  All of the above.

4.)  True Republicans do:  A. Exactly what their Party tells them to.  B.  Not believe in Global Warming.  C.  All they can to suppress the voting rights of black and Hispanic citizens.  D.  A fantastic job convincing poor, uneducated white people that voting for them is a cure-all for all that ails ’em.   E. All of the above.

5.)  True Republicans voted Trump into office because:  A.  He’s incredibly smart.  B. He’s a sexual dynamo.  C.  He is allowed to grab women by the pussy because he’s famous.  D.  He’s sleeping with Vladimir Putin.  E.  They’re fucking self-aggrandizing, wooden-brained idiots.

Trump Admits He’s Playing Xenophobic, Bully Card

trump-bully

Puffy Hair Valley, Colorado.   Donald Trump today admitted he is playing the xenophobic/bully card to help him win the Republican nomination for President.   “Let’s face it,” Trump said earlier, “I’m a xenophobe and a bully, and I’m damn proud of it.  Being that there are so many other xenophobes and bullies in the Republican Party, I’d be a fool NOT to play this card to my advantage.  We xenophobic bullies are a much maligned minority.  We face continual harassment for our bullying behavior and xenophobic approach toward life.  Just because we believe white males are more American and have more claim on this country than women, Mexicans, blacks, liberals, Asians, Native Americans, people who speak with a stutter, and those with British accents does not make us less equal than other people.  In fact, it makes us better than them.  So, yes, I’m playing the xenophobic/bully card to gain the Republican nomination for the Presidency.  And, once it’s mine, I’ll play the same card, with a dash of misogyny tossed in, to win the Presidency of the United States.  God bless America, and God bless white, male, xenophobic bullies who hate women.”

Trump Says Women Who Have Abortions Need To Be Punished

"I'm here to punish you," says Donald 'The Slime Monster' Trump To Ellen Ripley in the film, 'Slime Monster V Women'.

“I’m here to punish you,” says Donald ‘The Slime Monster’ Trump To Ellen Ripley in the film, ‘Slime Monster V Women’

Just when you think Donald Trump’s blatant misogyny could not get worse, he makes a statement like the one in this link: Pressed on an Abortion Ban, Donald Trump Sees a Penalty for Women

This dude is literally a walking slime ball with big hair that’s been stuffed into a suit.  I sure hope the GOP is proud of their soon to be Presidential candidate.  They’ve spent years growing him in their xenophobic, racist, misogynistic lab.  Good job, guys.  Good job.

Trump Is Causing The Republican Party To Implode

Check out this article from The Washington Post about what’s happening to the Republican Party because a vast majority of its fan base support the racist, xenophobic, hate-filled rhetoric spewed by their perceived savior, Donald Trump.    The Republican Party’s implosion over Donald Trump’s candidacy has arrived

All I can say is, it couldn’t be happening to a more deserving group of bigots.

Ted Cruz Says, Ladies, Your Bodies Belong To Me

"Jesus Says, And I Do, No Matter What It Is," Claims Ted Cruz

“Women’s Bodies Belong To Me,” Claims Ted Cruz

Misogyny Palace, Mississippi.    This morning, after a strategic planning session at the Pentagon to carpet bomb the Middle East out of existence, Ted Cruz declared all female bodies are his to do with as he sees fit.  “By the will of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I declare that women are to have no say whatsoever in what they can and cannot do with their bodies,” Senator Cruz said.   “As any true follower of Jesus can tell you, women are dull-witted and often do silly things, like allowing men to accidentally impregnate them, for example.   The mistake most women make when this happens is to think they have a choice in what they can do with their own bodies.  Nothing is farther from the truth.  Jesus states repeatedly, not only in the Bible, but in the U.S. Constitution, that women’s bodies belong to Christian men, not to them.  I fail to see how anyone can be remotely confused about this.  Would Jesus say such a thing if it were not true?  Of course not.  Thus, women’s bodies are not theirs.  They’re actually mine, as I’m not only the brightest Christian around, but also the biggest, sexiest bull-stud of a man America’s ever seen.  As soon as I’m President, I’ll make arrangements for me or one of my male staff members to conduct a body search of each and every female in the U.S. to be certain they’re treating my property the way I want them to.  So, America, please vote for me in November, and make me your President.   It’s what Jesus wants you to do.”

Sarah Palin Says More War Will End PTSD

"The Only Way To End PTSD Is With More War," Says Sarah Palin

“The Only Way To End PTSD Is With More War,” Says Sarah Palin

Nuttylady Town, Alaska.   Sarah Palin today, after blaming President Obama for the PTSD which supposedly made her son beat up his girlfriend, claimed the best way to end PTSD is to increase the number of wars America is involved in.  “If President Obama weren’t such a sissy, and black, we’d have destroyed ISIS already,” Governor Palin said earlier.   “He’s so weak, he’s practically a girl.  I happen to have the personal addresses of every ISIS member in the world.  I’ve offered to give these to President Obama on the condition he carpet bomb the cities where the addresses are located.  Instead of taking me up on this offer, Obama suggested I needed serious psychiatric help.  What an effeminate, liberal, black guy.  We’ll never end the PTSD that caused my son, who never saw combat, BTW, to beat the shit out of his girlfriend until we bomb the crap out of most of the world.  The only country that matters anywhere, is America.  That’s what Jesus said when he and our founding fathers wrote the U.S. Constitution sometime in the early 1950’s, and that’s the only reality I see.  Screw liberals, screw black guys who are President, and screw anyone who doesn’t want to bomb the fuck outta shit!!!! AAAAAAHHH!!!”