1.) Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Republicans don’t do menial labor. They hire undocumented workers to do it for five cents an hour.
2.) Q: What’s the hardest thing most Republicans will ever have to do?
A: Wait til their 18th birthday to gain access to their trust fund.
3.) Q: How do Republicans acquire land?
A: They wait for their relatives to die.
4.) Q: What’s the name of the first bank Republicans borrow money from without having to pay it back?
A: Mommy and Daddy’s Loans Unlimited
5.) Q: Besides a cornea operation without anesthesia, name three things Republicans hate most.
A: The poor, the disabled, and the social programs that help keep them alive.
Our resident reporter on all things Republican, Dr. Duncan “Tiny” Dicky, stopped by our offices today with some spiffy keen pics he’d taken of various Republican infants. We present them below for your viewing and reading pleasure. We also think you’ll be amused to see that Republicans do not grow up to become douche-bags, they’re born that way.
I’m A Christian. So I’m Only Doing This Cause I Need To Eat. I’m Not Even Remotely Enjoying It.
Wow, Mom, This Blood Of The Poor & Needy Soup You Cooked Up Is DELICIOUS!
These Special Glasses Shield My Eyes From The Reality Of Things Like Global Warming & Poverty.
I Saw Two Women Walking Down The Street Holding Hands Saying They Wanted To Get Married! That’s NOT What Jesus Wants!
So, Like, This Black Dude In A Hoodie Bumps Into My Dad, And My Dad, Like, Stood His Ground And Blew The Fucker’s Head Off.
Hmm. Let’s See, If We Drastically Cut SSDI & Medicare, We Can Easily Afford To Give Corporations Making Over 2 Billion A Quarter Huge Tax Breaks.
The Pediatrician Was A Mexican, AND She TOUCHED Me!
So, You’re Telling Me The 15 Undocumented Hispanic Workers My Folks Have Tending The Mansion Should Make MORE Than 6 Dollars A Day?
A Christian Conservative Nightmare Come True
As Christian Conservatives and Tea Party members have been warning, the legalization of gay marriage has indeed proven to be a slippery slope leading to demands for the legalization of other forms of nontraditional sexual behavior, at least it has in Illinois. Just over a year after Illinois voted to make gay marriage legal, hundreds of thousands of people, paired with horses and other animals of various sizes, arrived at the doors of the State Capital demanding they be allowed to legally marry the animals they’ve been secretly fornicating with for years. “If Harry can marry Jim, and Sally can marry Susie, then why can’t I marry the man or woman I love, though they be a sheep?” said Peter P. Enis, spokesmen for the group, Animals Do It Better.
“We animal fornicators are happy the slope to human depravity has been so well lubricated for us by gay men and women seeking the legal benefits of marriage for themselves and their partners. Now we, too, are asking that the same benefits be given to us and our beloved cows, dogs, dingoes, horses, and ostriches. What’s wrong with that, I ask?”
The Tea Party responded to this development by stating it happened as a direct result of legalized gay marriage, Obama Care, and the continued denial by Democrats, Liberals, and Jews that Jesus truly does hate fags, and, occasionally, lesbians.
In a story sure to shock children and grown ups alike, Santa has declared he’s become a staunch conservative and joined the Tea Party of America. He also said he was forced to fire half of his staff because of issues pertaining to Obama Care and Liberals in general.
Santa Firing Hermie The Elf
“Look,” said Santa, “I’m running a business up North here, not a friggin’ soup kitchen. Obama Care clearly is not designed to help conservative, white business owners, such as myself, increase their profit margins. And if a law hasn’t been created to help you, then it’s been created to hurt you and must be eliminated. President Bush and Darth Vader taught me that. It’s because of Obama and his Liberal hordes that I fired hundreds of elves, reindeer, and snow-men yesterday. I couldn’t fire Obama, and I couldn’t fire his Liberal hordes, but I could fire my own workers who live hand-to-mouth and desperately needed their jobs, so I did. It made me feel good too, seeing the kind of power I wield over people. It temporarily satiated the hatred and anger I have for Obama and Liberals.
So I’m A Prick. Wadda Ya Gonna Do About It?
In a twisted kind of way, I actually hurt THEM by hurting the people they’re most concerned with helping. Oh, BTW, I feel totally at ease admitting these things publicly, too. Because, you see, I’m Santa, and I represent the greatest holiday in the history of Capitalism, Christmas. Nothing I can ever do or say will stop people from spending money and filling my pockets at this time of year. Nothing. People may hate me for my political beliefs and devious business practices, but it won’t prevent them from telling their kids ‘Santa’s coming soon, and he’s bringing lots of presents!’ Presents your parents spent their hard-earned money on kiddies! Keeping Santa fat and rich! God bless America! I fucking love you!”
Smoldering Hole Where Texas Once Was
An angry giant monster, bearing a haunting resemblance to Bill Clinton, rose up out of the Gulf of Mexico this morning and aborted the entire state of Texas from the North American continent. The giant beast used what appeared to be a massive blender and literally pulverized the entire state into mush with it. Nothing remains of the state now except a smoldering hole where it once was, and a cowboy hat believed to have been worn by George Bush Sr the night George Jr was conceived. The giant Clinton-like monster returned to the Gulf when it was done and vanished as quickly as it had appeared. The Tea Party released a brief statement blaming the entire event on Obama Care and gay marriage.